Regular viewers cannot have failed to notice that each time Kate Mossman appears before us with her dainty thoughts and wisdom, some fellow seems to feel obliged to heave into view, determined to share the spotlight.
As a result of months of research and testing, I have devised what we scientists are now calling, "The Ellen Filter".
This split screen technique was discovered by using the very latest in cardboard technology, and will be on sale in all leading Woolworth stores within the next week.
Retailing at £19.99, and with a free 'Ulsterspeak translator' included, this will be an essential part of your podcast/website/twitter/facebook/magazine/LastFm experience.

that turns the Blue Shirt of Death™ a different, randomly generated, colour. Today, for example, it was a striking paisley pattern in leaf green and egg-yolk yellow, which was nicely set off by Mossman's geranium red to create a rather satisfying Rastafari effect.

By the way, where can I get one of those figurines of Amy Winehouse doing her trademark "Please Miss Can I Go To The Toilet?" hem-tugging dance? Was it perhaps a promotional item that the Word office was once given with a view to encouraging a favourable review?

Dear Mr Ellen, far from being just the composer of Torchy the Battery Boy here's a great example of his work from the 1960's series 'UFO'. Your Art Director is obviously a man of impeccable taste!

I'm getting very bored of the following two, both of which were regularly employed in reviews of the last Springsteen album:

1. "Phil Spector wall of sound" as a shortcut to describe anything vaguely upbeat with lots of instruments.

2. "Beach Boys harmonies" to describe anything with, well, harmonies.

Warning: either of the above may be used in tandem with what your friendly neighbourhood reviewer may refer to as "catchy (or infectious) hooks". These people must be stopped at all costs.

I think I have a crush on Kate. I hope I won´t be tracked down and shot, because I mean no harm. I like long walks and deep philosophic discussions based on the writings of Kirkegaard.

Love those pop shields

I think Noel G may have come up with that brilliant pun before me, or something similar. I too keep a copy of Ian MacDonald's masterwork to hand on my bedside cabinet (Argos self-assembly - a drawer tends to come apart on a regular basis, must fix with wood glue) just in case that terrible moment occurs where I have just finished one novel and there are no more new books in the house as I failed to visit the library in time. I often dip in to it while waiting for the bathroom to become free, re-reading accounts of Timothy Leary and The Tibetan Book Of The Dead and how The Beatles changed the world forever. It is certainly a comfort thing.

'English Passengers' is a great read. Rather more challenging though, as modern fiction, is Laszlo Krasznahorkai's 'War & War', which comprises chapters of prose without punctuation, each one made of a vast, continuous sentence. You do need an alternative book to take a break with for that one. Though I thought it worth the work.

In a similar way to 'Revolution In The Head' I have a tatty old paperback 'NME Encyclopedia Of Rock' from 1978 I regularly go back to. It is extremely well written, and I think of it as an old friend. I once foolishly thought to attempt to keep it up to date by adding new acts from 1979, like Spizz Energi, which was a hopeless task, not helped by the fact that Spizz regularly changed their name, soon to become Athletico Spizz '80. Still, talking of reviews, interesting to note that the encyclopedia refers to Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here as being released to 'marked critical disappointment' whereas 'they returned themselves to favour with the far more positive Animals in 1977'. Not really the view held today. There's more of that kind of thing in there. Lavishly illustated, it rather strangely chooses to feature a frontispiece showing Roger Daltrey as a centaur from the cover of his album 'Ride A Rock Horse'. Not an image you would choose to give prominence in a rock encyclopedia now.

Best up-sum of the reviews of "Chinese Democracy" was the opening of Charlie Brooker's 2008 review Screenwipe..Charlie's voiceover.."The year will chiefly be remembered for three things,the election of Barack Obama, the implosion of the Global economy,and of course the release of "Guns N Roses"'Chinese Democracy" a bloke kicks back on a sofa with his i-pod,clicking and looking at it in disbelief and WTF? anger and incomprehension.
re "reviews" sounds like none of the podders present heard "sleeve Notes" http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00htmzr by Laura Barton.'twas on this saturday morning R4.Largely bemoaning the near eradication of the "sleeve note",as the "copy" got shrunk to impossibly eye-squintingly small size on the cd case. the shrink-wrapped CD with it's inner booklet,also putting the said "copy" out of reach of the browsing punter anyway.

I'd like to say I thoroughly enjoyed that podcast - I think it was the best yet. It made me want to quit my job and bang on the front door of Word Towers until you agreed to let me in and give me some sort of employment (I make a mean cuppa).

With regards to reviews, I think the rise of the Internet and, in particular, Wikipedia, has a large part to play. I would say that with a bit of research, it's possible to write a review of an artist and include the biography and review of previous work without having actually heard a note from their previous albums. In the world of amateur reviewing, people don't have access to every album going, so if I'm given the new Decemberists album to review, for example, and I haven't heard their previous work, do I go out and buy their back catalogue myself or do I do some research and write something a bit more non-committal?

Incidentally, I do write reviews and have do write 300 words on the new Prodigy album this week; I'll do my best to include the phrase "uncompromising doo-wop harmonies".

I may even listen to this one again.

Can I add a Cliche to be put out to grass (!) , In your book section we had the inclusion of the deathly phrase "powerful meditation on...". Which I think is short hand for if the books about "a Family" incest or if its about politics "corruption & incest". It's a hopeless phrase as isn't meditation a wordless consideration of a subject or in some beliefs a clearing of the mind to pass beyond things like family and politics.
When it comes down to it "powerful meditation" means it's a thick dense book with few laughs that is strangely unenlightening if you can be bothered to get to the end.

A pleasant three-quarters-of-an-hour spent in the company of Mr Mark Ellen and his long-standing colleague, Mr David Hepworth. On this occasion the pair is ably assisted by Ms Kate Mossman, who offers a welcome feminine perspective on many of the issues discussed. Sound is provided by the estimable Mr Fraser Lewry.

The style is informal, with the debate flowing randomly back and forth, and the participants often talking across each other, as has become the fashion in the podcast medium. A discussion pertaining to album reviews is turned into a joke, with Messieurs Ellen and Hepworth intimating to Ms Mossman that their conversation is in actuality an employment review! Eventually it is made clear by the jesting parties that this is not the case, after which the joke is resolved in a satisfactory manner, with good humour all round.

Later in the podcast Ms Mossman recounts her harrowing trip to the American city of Portland where she witnessed a member of the teen beat group ‘The Decemberists’ being carried off by a pack of wolves.

- George Walters (Melody Maker 1964)

I’ve used the expression ‘sun-dappled’ to describe a Saint Etienne song. In my defence I was not informed that it had joined “like _____ on acid” and “impossibly beautiful” on the reviewers blacklist. I think there should be a grace period in which amateur scribes, working in print fanzines and on the internet, are allowed limited usage of professional critics’ cast-off descriptive shorthand.

Like a lot of the regulars on this site, I’ve had a go at writing reviews for the WORD online music store. These short pieces of journalism are made to look very easy by the witty and urbane stable of in-house and freelance staff employed by the magazine. Anyone who has ever attempted to write one will know that trying to articulate the contents of an album in 100 words or less is actually very difficult. I usually end up with something three times over the word limit and strewn with random punctuation. There follows a tedious editorial process, in which I drag ponderous, run-on sentences around a word document, wondering which in a string of blurted-out hyperboles I can possibly dispense with.

My big music obsession, unlikely to ever be matched again in my lifetime, was with a spoken word album called Prison, which the poet Steven Jesse Bernstein recorded shortly before committing suicide. It spoke to me in a way that no other album has, before or since. Bernstein’s voice was like the cowed whine of a dog that had been beaten its entire life and was about to be brutally put down. Decades of pent-up rage, bile and self-hatred spilled out of him. Moments of unintended slapstick were like watching a man who had justifiably reached the end of his tether, attempting to storm out of a room with the last of his dignity, only to find himself struggling to open the door.

I was fascinated by Prison. For many years I listened to it practically everyday, usually first thing after I got up. I am convinced that it did me lasting psychological damage.

I have no desire to return to Bernstein’s final recorded words. The album was such an integral part of my life that re-listening to it would be like revisiting the person that I was back then.

Recently I did go back to another album from my youth - Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde. It’s a record whose every note, every drumbeat and vocal nuance, I have committed to memory. The reason I hardly ever play it is that there seems to be little point. A few weeks ago I overcame my cynicism and put it on. It was great. The impression that music leaves on you is never as good as the reality of hearing it.

Not being averse to foisting my opinion on the rest of the world via the review feature on amazon I usually try and stick (but often fail) to three simple rules which work when I read a review.

1. "Fans of x or y should enjoy this". This is especially useful for lesser known acts as it gives a (very) rough idea of the sound/sentiments expressed therein

2. "This follows similar lines/is a departure from, previous albums like l or m" more pertinent to longer established acts and again can give us a rough idea of what it sounds like. Whilst agreeing that albums should be reviewed solely on their merits it is pointless to ignore previous output. having said that albums deemed "poor" compared to previous output may still be "good" compared to prevalent trends at the time of release. This should also be reflected in any review.

3. What has the individual reviewer previously liked and/or disliked both by this artist and by others.

There is no point in adverts for albums saying " Q - 4* review" or "The best album ever - The Word" Magazines don't review albums, people do so it is helpful to see where individual reviewers are coming from.

On top of all this, whilst I don't agree with the "star" system per se, it can help when comparing reviews by individuals as mentioned above.

P.S I am all in favour of the three month in review, perhaps it should be a feature of the mag or maybe the e mail newsletter.

Cheers

That was certainly one of the best podcasts yet.

I'm not missing that bloke (Matt Hall?) who used to say "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" all the time.

It was indeed a marvellous podcast but the language, ooh I say, please cut it out people. I was going to send a stiff e-mail of complaint but decided to send this one instead.

... and we're meant to be depending on these guys for guidance!

P.S Enjoyable podcast yet again.

I was out posting a birthday card earlier this afternoon. To accompany me on my walk I thought I'd take along my iPod to listen to the latest mutterings from Messers Hepworth and Ellen along with Ms Mossman.
On returning from the post box I have to cross a wide and busy road with a 40mph speed limit. While crossing the road - which I did in a bit of a stupid place, I'll admit - a car came haring round the corner. I had to run to get out of it's way. "Phew" I thought to myself "I could have died there". It was only then that the thought occured to me that the last sound I would have heard in my final deathly moments would have been a Mark Ellen anecdote.
I don't know whether that would have been a comfort or not...

made me feel that Stanley Kubrick's desire to control every aspect of his films' screenings didn't seem so mad ...

I well recall Word's own David Quantick delivering the boot to the Flaming Lips' "Soft Bulletin" in Q Magazine with two desultory stars. This review arrived just before the critical consensus was in and, although I liked that record, it was nice to read something uncoloured by expectation. And David's reviews are usually funny.

The most overused cliché applied in reviews is the following formula: [ALBUM X] by [OBSCURE ARTIST A] is like [WELL KNOWN ARTIST B] and [WELL KNOWN ARTIST C] "bouncing on a bed together"/"assaulting the north face of the Eiger together"/"riding a flying horse into the sun together"/other unwieldy simile. Whenever I see this device, I want to cry.

Having read tens of thousands of album reviews I am wordblind to blank criticism, all I want to know is: is it good? You might as well go for a Danny Baker-style tour de force of language in the 148 words you have left and make the world a little brighter.

PS More K-Mo in the pod!

My irk with album reviews is when you will read the same points wherever the review appears. Presumably an artist-biog or a press release stating something that is already known by the fans of the artist or irrelevant to people new to the artist.

EGs
Morrissey's last album - recorded in Rome where he now lives.
All Charlatans album reviews mention comebacks from band tragedies.
Mercury Rev mentions of Catskill Mountains.

etc