married to my wife

I tell Mrs Crout exactly what I think,usually in Czech and quietly. I've said my piece and she's non the wiser.Everybody's happy.

Never slag off your ex to your children.

I'd never say anything like that to my child, and if that's really what you said to yours, I think that's pretty crass, and doing nobody any favours.

Or won't equivocate in the interests of young ears? Seems harsh to me, and unwise.

My kids are more likely to ask me why their mother and I *are* together, unlike their friends' parents. Or why I don't have their names tattooed on my person.

Seriously though, if you genuinely did call your son's mother a bitch in front of him, I'd say that's bad form.

Least of all in front of my children.

Least of all about their mother.

And if that sounds judgmental, it kind of is. Sorry about that. I'll just have to hope you were joking.

How does she describe you, Niscum?

Had a somewhat difficult morning. My ex and I explained to our two daughters that we were separating, and that they'd have two houses from now on. (I've been separated from my husband for a while, but the house sale's taken a while to sort so domestic arrangements have remained unchanged).

My parents divorced when I was grown up. I had to tell my mum to stop bitching to me about the my dad, and vice versa. I found it all deeply unpleasant when they slagged each other off. Makes me determined to keep things civil with my ex. He might be completely the wrong man for me, but he is the father of my girls and a good dad come to that.

Whatever I think of my ex, whatever his faults, my girls love him, as it should be.

... in my opinion, that's a terrible thing to do to your son.

Surely it would have been better, for your son's sake, to explain the split without apportioning blame in the way that you have done?

In my opinion, one of the duties of a parent in this situation is to strive to protect the children as much as possible from (the inevitable) psychological fallout and to patiently guide a way through the huge rush of confusing emotions the children will be feeling.

It's probable that your son really looks up to you, and wants to please you in that way that lads do with their fathers - particularly if you are the "absent" parent. And now you may well have started him off down the road of having severely torn loyalties and a self-loathing - how long before he starts slagging his Mum off, to garner your approval? And then beats himself up about doing so?

In my opinion, you have put your own needs first, and not those of your son.

IMO, not a wise thing to say, and remember this truism: You are your son's Father, BUT his Mother is his Mother, and 99% of the time a child's bond will be greater with his or hers Ma than Pa. It's a fact I'm afraid.
My son is my son, and also perhaps my closest friend (he 31) and he has always been a Daddies boy, but when my Ex pulled off what I thought was an outrageous stunt a few years ago, a stunt which caused me a great deal of annoyance and hurt, my Laddie took the side of his Mother,as did my two daughters. Why? Because she is their Mother.
Tread warily my friend, and do not burn bridges which may need to be crossed, if not now, then in future years.

but tact and discretion have to be applied. Slim Chance's point about not slagging off the ex is on the money, but they also need to understand why it's happened. I assume Hannah's morning was calm, honest and very painful; it's a bad situation but it can easily be made worse. Hannah, I feel for you, although your fantastic attitude towards your kids' well-being should see you as right as it's possible to be.

My own situation is a bit different. I had a fairly god-awful childhood with my parents (who are still together) that I've only started to come to terms with in the last two years or so. Part of the problem is that my mum and dad won't discuss it and simply act as if there's no issue. Any time I've brought it up the subject has been changed, deflected or ignored, which simply makes the situation worse. (I've pretty much stopped bothering.) However, they also had a pretty awful time with their parents, so I can kind of understand why they won't deal with it. Doesn't help a lot though.

As has been said by many people in many places, all families are a bit weird on some level. If you've got an open, happy and loving relationship with them (parents and kids), you've got a great thing, you're incredibly lucky, and that shouldn't be taken for granted.

of this thread but I understand where Niscum is coming from. I have spoken often of my love for my family but my kids are not fools and to patronise them about our situation would not be the way to go. Would I go as far as Niscum? No. Do I understand the frustration and anger that might lead to it being said? Yes. I've spoken before of my admiration for Hannah and the handling of her situation I cannot claim the same. Some of the moral high ground taken here might be from people who haven't lived through the torment of a broken marriage in front of your children, it can make you do strange things I assure you.

()

I'm not saying its ok to speak ill of his mother but if, say, he's a teenager then he will be only too aware of any conflict. Furthermore, is the conflict down to her personality or something else? Here at BP Towers we have, over the years, had conflict exacerbated by post natal depression amongst other things as well as inconsiderate behaviour on both sides. Glad to report things are good now though.

May tomorrow be a better one.

...your son?

My Dad and I had a similar chat earlier in the year, during which he asked me if I blamed him for their divorce. Of course, I could easily judge him, call him all sorts of names and criticise his actions but he's ended up with the woman he loved and I can't blame anyone for that. The world isn't perfect, but if it takes my Dad two marriages to find happiness then I'm not going to fall out with him over it. I told him, I'd have been annoyed if the affair was meaningless etc.

I don't know your situation, Niscum, but I actually hope your son manages to maintain close, strong relationships with both you and his mother. Sometimes your feelings are irrelevent, no matter how easy it seems to have a pop at your ex. If he's old enough, mature enough, he'll form his own opion of his mother, and work these things out for himself.

my ex and I basically decided to present our daughter (now 13) with a united front as parents, and spare her whatever turmoil we were going through as a former couple. She doesn't need our emotional evaluation of the situation rammed down her throat. In fact, it's worked out quite well and, looking back, we could hardly have done it more reasonably. Still hurts though, time is not the great healer it's cracked up to be.

Niscum, I appreciate your striving for honesty, but too much frankness is likely to be a burden: you really shouldn't have done the bitch thing with your son, especially as his dynamic with her is presumably unique to the two of them. Don't be surprised if it backfires, sooner or later.

Hannah, sounds like you are going a similar way (to me) and best of luck to you and all your family. It's a wrenching time for everyone but being civilized now will pay dividends later. Kids grow up so quickly and don't need to take sides if they aren't forced to. Please accept a virtual hug of support.

My evil stepfather used to tell me every night at bedtime, "I'm only staying because of you."

He did worse - very, very much worse, in years to come - but I cannot begin to describe the guilt and ruin that simple bedtime message caused, and its destructive impact on my future relationships.

Do the right thing.

You've just proved yourself extraordinarily selfish. I do hope you're pleased.

I really wish we could see who's Upped certain comments.

It's your right to deal with what is a very difficult situation however you see fit. You know your wife, you know your boy and you know your collective situation.

That said, I can't help wondering what sort of reaction you could possibly have been expecting to the OP. My suspicion is that you said no such thing to the kid and you're smart enough to realise much of what has been said on this thread for yourself without needing to be told. I therefore won't deign for pass further comment - others have already spoken a lot of sense, so my tuppence would barely even pay the tip.

What I will say is that the whole situation sounds awful and you have my sympathies. However you're handling it, I hope you manage to get through it and that you can let go of whatever anger you have towards your ex, because in my (limited) experience that does seem to be the key.

Son and heir is 7 1/2. His mother and I split when he was about a year and a half.

We haven't had that conversation yet, although he's touched on it "do you love Mommy, Dad?". he introduced me to his new dog as "her new daddy". He also understands that his Mom and I will not be getting together.

I don't know what age your kid is. But it strikes me that S&H wants to know that it's nothing to do with him.
He also loves her unconditionally - which he should. The fact that she and I couldn't get on - and it WAS bad - does not give me the right to bad mouth her. She's a good Mom; I like to think I'm a good absentee father. Our messed up dynamic, or my version of it doesn't need to be foisted on him.

All he needs t know is that we don't love each other the way that we did when we had him, and that both of us love him.

I'm going to mimic Bob and be judgmental: you indulged yourself there. You owe your kid better.

I'm thirty. I only went with your Mummy 'cos she's dirty

But I do know you should be doing all you can for your son to protect him from the damaging effects of a decision YOU and YOUR partner have foisted upon him. Difficult as it may be you should bite your tongue for his sake, grow up and make an effort to act like a civilised mature human being.

comes to mind. However, he did write 'they don't mean to, but they do.' Your behaviour appears selfish, self-pitying and juvenile. Not a good example to set.

My parents split when I was 6. I remember every last bit of bitterness and blame and guilt tripping and pure sadness. And those years shaped my adult view of relationships for a very very long time. Actually they still do, but where in the past it was a negative effect, these days it's a positive one.

Negative comments about one parent by another generally only backfire against the person making the comments. It's not honesty it's mean. Whatever is between two adults should not be spread throughout the rest of the family in my opinion.

I don't doubt the poster's intelligence but I do doubt his judgement on this issue, both in terms of how to address such an issue with his son and the subsequent decision to make that public on here in such a cold and blase manner.

However, setting aside any doubts I may have about the OP's veracity or the intentions of the writer in phrasing it the way he has I'll instead take it at face value and answer the question.

Parents shouldn't lie to their children but being honest is more than dumping your shit onto someone else, particularly when that person is either a minor or a dependent. A family isn't a democracy, there is no equal sharing of emotional and psychological burdens among its members and therefore as the authority figures in the family parents have a duty of care to not abuse their position and to guide their children to an understanding of the truth in terms that children can understand and, more importantly, that children can carry themselves as their own manageable burden. Divorce or separation might change the dynamics of family life but it doesn't alter or diminish the burden of responsibility and duty of care.

Parents shouldn't hide the truth from their children but they should protect them from the damaging effects of it as much as possible.

(assuming you have actually had this conversation, and that your son is a "minor").

It's entirely understandable why you might have said what you did: having been there myself, I'm not about to spring in self-righteous judgement on you. I know how infuriating it can be to see the complete [insert appropriate derogatory remark] of an ex be still seen as a loving kind parent by your child.

However, I think another talk along the lines of "sometimes daddy says things he doesn't really mean because he's in a bad mood at the time" might be a good idea: you'd be surprised how positively that could be received by a young child.

I think you owe it to your son, and your future self, to do a bit of damage limitation here.

.

Am I the only one who thinks that some censoring (pruning, editing, whatever) has been going on on this thread?

I am sure I posted here yesterday & now I cant find it? Its no big deal in itself, but I am confused as to who may have done it, & why they did.

If I am just being a numpty, & am acting a bit paranoid, then I apologise up front.

to the numerous lovely people who've sent me words of wisdom & messages of support both here in this thread, and via DM. Much appreciated. It's been a difficult weekend, but the girls seem to be doing ok so far. And, I think, I am doing ok as well.

Hannah x

... did you post this when drunk?

Two people in a similar situation, engendering very different reactions.

Come on, it's blooming Christmas after all.

and not knowing Niscum, has anybody asked Niscum whether he actually said what he implies he said in the OP (or indeed anything similar)or if he's just fishing for reactions?

Which isn't to criticise anybody's genuine reactions to this, I'm just wondering if Niscum has overstated the case for effect?

'It's A Wonderful Life' this evening.
I don't need to now.