Myra Hindley's out there.

I have mate called Howard Jones who shared a desk with Adamski which caused daily "amusement" to callers. Not the other day I met a Mick Jagger.
Oh and one of our friends married a Irish chap and ended up being called Olive Doyle.

I went to school with a kid whose parents named him Richard Nixon. Seriously. The guy's about 50 now. Imagine 50 years of those jokes.

and, tragically, he's young enough to have been called after the actor.

I've never once seen him cool his head with a bottle of milk.

it's Apairov

He really likes that.

My brother used to go out with a Tina Turner.

But I do know a Michael Hunt. Poor lamb. He's very definitely MICHAEL. No abbreviations allowed.

I used to work with a lad called Bradley Walsh. He was constantly being told to 'Spin that wheel!'

.. "any relation?"

"Yes I've got 2 brothers and two sisters".

Or when I've to give my details for any reason,

"Surname?"
"Dyson"
"Oh, like the Hoover?"
"No, my name is Neil Dyson not Neil Hoover"
"I meant the Dyson Hoover"
"What's that then?", etc.

Kevin Keegan - it was worst when the Brut adverts were always on for him - "Splash it all over " etc

One of my best friends is James Mason. A lovely Scottish Idiot who I shared a house with in South London. The most surprising thing is that he really does have a fame connection; he went to Morrison's Academy with Ewan MacGregor and - so he says - played in the same band whilst there.

We both know another splendid chap called John Craven. Commonly known to us as 'Newsround' or sometimes less charmingly as 'Countryfile'

They both swear that, whilst on holiday in America, they fell in drinking with a chap called Dean Martin. I'm willing to believe it.

Once employed a chap called Robert Smith. He loved cats. Which tickles me even now.

.... a former flatmate met and married a lovely bloke called Michael Cane. It took all kinds of self control everytime I met him not to launch into Get Carter lines.

Oh and I'm not the Mike Todd that married a young Elizabeth Taylor, sadly.

There was a chap called Nick Leason racing in the British Touring Car Championship recently. When he made a mistake, the commentator would say 'he's lost his bearings there'. It never got old.

A boy named Rocky Wann.

Mark Chapman. Perhaps he'd like to meet your friend, Captain. He got a lot of sly asides at school.
My brother knows a bloke called George Harrison. Obviously he is known to all as "Bongo".

When your name is Parker you have to live with inevitable 'jokes'.
What is annoying is not people telling me, but that they seem to think I've got through more than 50 years and never heard it before.
My friend Finlay suffers from the same problem.

You wouldn't believe how many barbers think that they're the first to notice it.

a Mike Cox who worked with an Anne Knocker. Also the funeral director in our village was rather wonderfuly named "D'eath".

not that one, obviously. Or maybe it was, and he was straightening himself by a taking a rigorous course in the dismal science. Certainly, the post seventies output of the ISTSH shows signs of being by someone who knows about the law of diminishing marginal utility. (Sorry, best I could do - If you got it you're probably George Osborne.)

but what about us? How hard must it be when you meet one of these poor unfortunates not to mention the obvious? It reminds me of this clip from Early Doors - Fast forward to 1 minute

Ok, that was somewhat tenuous, but any excuse..

I have a very good mate by the name of Roy Rogers.

...is Alice Cooper. She was born in 1971, and her parents would have had no idea who Alice Cooper was even she had been born post-fame.

Her life did improve post-education, but the end of July term is still tricky for her.

I have an unusual surname, which can be easily riffed on to make a swearword and believe me I've heard every joke ever. I really do find it hard to be polite, but I try and be aware people are only be friendly, and not purposely trying to irritate me.

because my first name is Humphrey. The most obvious is someone tagging the surname Bogart on to the end of it, hilarious after about 30 years! English friends of mine usually say 'watch out there's a Humphrey about', but not too often so it doesn't bother me. A friend of mine his surname is Hendrick and he usually gets 'are you anything to Jimi', despite his name not being Hendrix. I also play upright bass so am bombarded with comments (should have taken up flute/violin/recorder, is that a body in there, that's a big guitar!) every week. One of these days the papers are going to be carrying a story of a double bass related death!

Not this fine fellow though

I also know a Kevin Keegan. He was lifted during rioting in Lurgan about 30 years ago . The police asked him his name and when he told him, the cop said "well I'm John Wayne,hop into my wagon"and arrested him!The peeler though he was taking the piss and he done a few days before they believed him and let him go.

One of my chums was a Police Cadet in the Argyll town of Lochgilphead in the early 70s. He got a call from the Desk Sergeant one Sunday morning to come down to the Nick to help ID two guys who had been picked up the night before, but had seemingly given false names when spoken to but had told the Rozzers that they were from Campbeltown, where my friend was obviously from. My friend went down an looked through the peephole.
"Yup, I know these two guys."
"Their names?"
"The guy with the specs is Mick McManus, the big guy is Steve McQueen."
"Fuck. Oh fuck."
They were given a free breakfact and a lift down the 50 miles to Campbeltown for their "troubles".
The McManus guy had a friend called Jimmy Coates, who went by the moniker "Jimmy Jackets". Still find that funny, 40 years later.

with Mike Yarwood. He was crap at impressions, but he did used to answer the phone with the phrase: "This Is Me".

Will Smith but he's quite popular with the ladies and seems pretty cool so it could be much worse!

David 'Dav' Pilkey

in my class was named Kimberly Clark. She's probably married to Mr. Armitage Shanks now.

Brian Wilson. In a record shop, no less.

and I have an uncle called Gerald/ gerry

was called Janet Dance. Her father was called Maurice.

friend was christened Robert John Edward Kennedy. Embarrassing now, but if you grew up in a house like the Commitments, with pictures of the Pope on the wall alongside JFK (if not Elvis), you'd understand. It was also before any hint of scandal. Shortly afterwards the senator drove the blonde off the bridge.
Answers to Bob.

NHS Manager I once had to ring through work:
"Friday Knight"

I mean, what were the parents thinking...?

I've come across two of the three Bee Gees over the years.

One of the telephone contacts in the support department of a now defunct IT company I had to deal with was named Robin Gibb.

At the same time there was a Barry Gibb working for a nearby brewery as a rep, and he would occasionally come into my local to have a chat with the landlord.

I never met a Maurice, though.

My brother is Michael Jackson but never really had a problem of recognition until the famous one tried to become more white than him.

I get to meet a fair few diminutive 'celebrities', though I've always regretted just missing out, in my first school, on teaching Arthur Duck and (honestly - no, honestly!) Sean Beaver.

Paul McCartney works in the same council as me so maybe him and John Lennon should get together.

Stuart Little.