Scientific studies that prove make up is XX times better..."Volumised lashes" my arse..

In small print "Based on 99 people".

If I based any survey on 99 people I would be shot down in flames.

I've just realised this was meant to be about entertainment...

Well, you see them on TV, and that's supposed to be entertaining

* Robert Peston, BBC Business Editor. He loves the misery. He loves the sound of his own voice; I hate the sound of his voice. And the fact that he is always introduced as "the man who broke the Northern Rock story" even 12 months on.

* "Funny" emails from listeners on 5Live. Bloody Hell.

* Traffic reporters on the radio given a bigger part. Sally bloody traffic.

* Jools Holland joining in with anyone.

* The angled head and pursed lips of Deborah Meedon after she has said "...and that's why I'm not going to invest. I'm out."

Seriously, what is the point of these? If they're any good, please include them with the rest of the album. If they're not, don't bother, I don't want to listen to it.

Plus, they're hardly well-hidden are they. If the last track is twenty minutes long but after three and a half you can hear your own watch ticking then you know what's coming in a mere thirteen minutes time. They're even more annoying now in this age of ripping tracks and mp3 players.

By the way, you're not 'crowdsourcing' for the best and worst lists in the mag are you, Mr H?!

I'm not railing against the 'cult' of celebrity (or rather, I could, but that's not what DH is asking about) but just the use of the word where previously it would have jarred; now it appears wholly acceptable anywhere.

As I understood the word, a person is either a Celebrity or they're not, and the word stands alone, not needing qualification, or to qualify another word.

Paul McCartney is not a 'Celebrity Pop Star', nor Jeremy Clarkson a 'Celebrity Television presenter'. Both could also be called Celebrities.

But would somebody Explain to me the notion of the 'Celebrity Chef'.

The other thing...there was an advertisement on some time ago for a cosmetic product of some ilk, and the lady fronting the advertisement was, if I recall, described as the 'Celebrity Beauty Editor' for a certain magazine. But she wasn't famous, so it dawned on me that actually it was her job to collate the assorted pictures of, I dunno, Jade Goody and the like.

To further compound matters, during that same ad, mention was made of this product being reasonably costed, except that wasn't the turn of phrase used. What was said was something along the lines of

"For something this good, you'd expect to pay Celebrity prices..."

CELEBRITY PRICES?!?!?

What in the name of Jesus is a "Celebrity Price"? And the first smart-alec to mention Jordan...I'll find you and kill you in your sleep.

Here...

Chris Moyles

George Lamb

Fat lazy people who eat bad getting TV funded makeover

Dirty lazy people who don't clean getting TV funded deep clean

The sneaky way Channel 4 have added an extra set of adverts into an hour

Stickers on books, cd's etc. that won't come off

That stuff on the free CD that rips the cover of The Word

Magazines that have four different collectors covers. I'll collect my four over a period of four months thanks very much

Sky TV guide not saying if the programme is a repeat or not on the main channels (I realise everything else is a repeat)

Q magazine (that's by way of an apology for my earlier post)

Foreign films with dubbed soundtracks (I can read subtitles)

Any competition to find someone for a crap musical

ITV comedy

Best 100 type programmes

Jools Holland if he is talking

I could go on.

Here in the US they have those sticky cellophane strips running along the top of the CD case that are impossible to remove in one piece. There is a little sign saying "pull here". You pull and a one millilmetre piece of plastic comes away in your fingers. I have yet to remove one in its entirety. Even when removed they leave behind a sticky residue that requires the attention of a scouring pad and washing up liquid. Cleaning scratches the case, leaving you in no mood for the music within. It's a frustrating shambles.

Somehow, I've managed to get through almost 40 years of life without having to worry about "pentapeptides", whatever they are, so I don't need endless adverts featuring "celebrity beauty editors" rammed down my throat.

On a similar ranting topic, is it possible to ban Heat and any other mag that does nothing but focus on women's body shapes: This week, Women So Fat They Shouldn't Be Allowed On A Beach Unless Greenpeace Are Around To Put Them Back Into The Sea; next week, The Stars Who're So Slim We're Going To Put Them On The Cover And Make Them Even More Self-Conscious And Turn Even More Teenage Girls Into Body-Obsessed Anorexics.

There is also a place on the same plane of Hell reserved for those who think we're interested in Jade: My Struggle; Jordan: My Marriage Misery/Joy/Apathy/Whatever Line Will Sell This Week; Posh'n'Becks: We're In Love/We Hate Each Other, etc.

Phew! Glad I got that out of my system. It's time for my medication.

...for the programme that follows, which will be starting in 30 seconds or so, anyway.

...for the next episode of the programme you've just watched, thus providing instant unwelcome spoilers.

Naked Gun 2 and a half's poster read "From the brother of the director of Ghost". Which it was.

...

...

... pause before announcing the next person to be booted off, or the winner of, pretty much any reality show contest.

"...raised in this programme, phone this number in confidence."

You've just watched a TV drama about a mildly disturbing subject. Get over it.

on the sides of uncomplicated Consumer Products

"Hello, is that the Coca Cola Customer Line?"

"Why Yes it is..."

"Right, i've got the can, i've opened it, what do i do now..."

...for the second half of the 30-minute programme you're watching, just before the commercial break. Closely followed, after the break, by a recap of what happened in the first half, and a preview of what's going to happen in the rest of the second half. And of course, the program starts by previewing highlights of itself, too, so by the time the program ends, you're in a kind of haunted, deja-vu limbo of inconsequential snippets you've heard often enough (in the space of 30 minutes) to recite by heart.

"Prequels". They never work.

you've opened a can of worms now.

One of my pet peeves. So-called newspapers that peddle filth but call it "news". I don't give a damn what Paris, Britney, Nicole, Lindsey, Madonna or bloody Pamela Anderson are doing to or with each other, IT'S NOT NEWS!

And don't get me started on Pete Doherty & Amy Winehouse. Drugs are illegal and kill people. If that's what you want to do jump off Beachy Head.

Greatest Hits Collections at full price when the previous identical Collection is in the bargain bin around the corner.

Non-entity "autobiographies" - see Chantelle, Jade Goody, etc.

but really its just wallowing in someone elses misery. And then hearing them say (yes you Ross Kemp) that we have a 'rule to not interfere'. What's sticking a camera in peoples face and getting locals to show you round drug holes and gang war zones if not interference.

that fill up entire pages with brain-fuckingly inane space filler in which it is revealed that people off the telly buy food in shops, walk their dogs or breath air.

that start and then have the titles then stop for the ads, then stop for more ads. No wonder the writings so good each epsidoes only five minutes long!
1. can i add.
car ads showing cars not stuck in jams.
the one show.
2. Music festival highlight programmes where they don't show the band playing to the crowd but have special acoustic sessions on some bales of hay.
3. The hyperbole that could announce Bolton versus Norwich as a midweek clash.
4. the use of "rennaisance" man for any actor who also writes plays and can walk and chew gum.
5. the extension of the Holby city/casualtiy brand waht next holby vets, holby plasterers.
6. the making of films take onto the end of bluie planet etc to hide the fact that to get them made 7. the bbc had to cut them to 45 mins to show in american and si left with 15 minute gap in scheduels see also Dr who and the set wales with the bloke from the musicals.
9. cookery programmes where they cook wearing sports jackets.

called Dave

that are so clever/complicated you haven't the slightest smigeon of a Danny which item is currently highlighted.

that allow their celebrity guests to promote their hugely expensive new age psuedo-science products without daring to mention the fact that they're talking complete arse for fear of upsetting the stars.

If someone from afar landed in the UK and watched TV for a while they would undoubtedly find it impossible to believe this is the country that gave birth to some of the greatest art, poetry, literature and music in history.

The country of Shakespeare, Pinter and Constable has become a place where wholly talentless non-entities like Jade Goody become multi-millionaires, where Amy Winehouse's slide towards her inevitable death earns daily newspaper coverage, and where Simon Cowell decides what is music.

Instead of children wanting to grow up to be a successful footballer, nurse, stewardess or whatever, now they just want to be famous, with all the perks and none of the pitfalls it brings.

If we had a whip-round, could we buy some prime-time advertising space on ITV and just say to people that there is more to life than reality programmes, "talent" shows and anything media-related that features the word "celebrity"? Or, to quote something from when TV used to be a little more varied: "Why don't you switch off your TV set and go and do something less boring instead?"

Currently out of work I'm stunned by the relentless numbers of commercials shown on daytime tv for car insurance comparison websites.

I try and keep the TV off but when it is on it appears to be a cavalcade of these things. That and Claims Direct-style let us screw a few quid out of anyone that gave you as much as a chinese burn in the last 15 years legal services.

I can understand that customers for claims may be lying in a Carry On Nurse attitude swathed in plaster from head-to-toe with little else to think about but it strikes me that most car owners are out and about. Having already driven them to work. Why are they on when the majority of their potential customer base aren't sat on their arses watching bloody 'Dave'?

Also, whichever ad agency came up with the Hastings Direct knight character wants to be shown a Tex Avery cartoon and then drowned in a sack. Good afternoon.

* Books packaged to look like the follow-up to a blockbuster rather than what it actually is: something written and rejected by 17 major publishers in 1994. (Hi, Dan!)

* Paying way over the odds for an imported DVD only to discover that it's NTSC/Region 1 only. (Hi, Madrid record shop who sold me Born to Boogie - may Sister Ray's fate be with you.)

* Microsoft telling me every morning that I may be a victim of software piracy (No, you're the victim, Bill - I'm pleased to report that I've come out of the experience unscathed.)

* DVDs that have only 5.1 audio and when played on a standard tele or through a regular stereo have all the dialogue as an inaudible whisper while every footstep goes BOOM!

* The word "enhanced" on any audiovisual product, since its presence guarantees that whatever it is will sound and/or look measurably crappier than it did before.

* Blog commenters whose only comment is to point out with pride that they are the first to comment.

* Now 'n' happenin' hacks who lop off the end of set phrases because they think they're being big and.

Like, like.

forward.

One male, one female, one "of colour"

TV documentaries built around "reconstructions" shot in black and white with lots of close-ups of cigarettes in ashtrays and ears listening to phone receivers.

with a cookery book to promote being paid megabucks to tell us how to cook cheap food during the "credit crunch".

According to BBC Breakfast TV this morning there are 800 books released this week. Nothing to do with Christmas you suppose? Try reviewing all them, with or without stars, Mr or Ms Word-book-wizard. Pah!

I want, at most, one for things I watch and one for things I listen to. I do not want to become a technical wizard in order to watch a film or listen to an album. The specifications of the electronics do not add utility to my enjoyment.

What? Extreme Pharoahs. . . again?

Radio stations who promise to cover "all the build-up to the big game". There is nothing to "cover". If there's any building up going on, they're doing it.

...that features the words 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' when you use it.
Any electrical equipment that beeps at you to tell you it's finished.

On so-called modern and edgy programs, it simply isn't enough to focus the camera on the subject, oh no. It has to go to close-ups, in and out of focus, unusual angles, zooming in and out etc.

Case in point, whenever that fella who presents Dragons' Den does a piece to camera, I feel dizzy.

Radio stations that promise "we'll be across that story for you".

Just from a personal point of view. We can't get Sky because we live in a tiny village surrounded by trees and rolling hills - beautiful to look at but our TV reception is buggered. So to see the lovely Kelly Brook telling us how fabulous Sky+ is, and how it can do everything you could ever want, just feels like they're taking the mickey.

Back to Freeview (and the few channels we can get) it is for us...

Perhaps its only in Spain but it now appears illegal to mention sportspeople without calling them 'our hero/es'.
Basketball players - our heroes.
Footballers - our heroes.
Tennis players - our heroes.
Athletes - our heroes.
No they're bloody not. They play sport.