Entertainment For Lively Minds
In response to ...
Posted by Rigid Digit on 12 December 2010 - 7:38pm.
Many songs ask us questions, which often remain unanswered.
In reply to the artists, I offer the following:
Elvis Costello/Nick Lowe - What's So Funny About Peace, Love & Understanding? Nothing
KLF - What Time Is Love? Usually, about 11:30 on a Friday night, and also on my birthday
Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me? Because you live in Scotland
Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers - Why Do Fools Fall In Love? Because they're fools (you've sort of answered the question yourself)
Buzzcocks - Why Can't I Touch It? Because you might break it
Simple answers - that's that sorted then
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What becomes of the brokenhearted?
They drink themselves into a stupor and think "F**k it."
There's an Art Brut lyric
What becomes of the broken hearted?
They're sad for two weeks then back where they started
What Do You Do For Money Honey?
I'm a Primary School teacher.
What's My Age Again?
You're 34, mate.
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
A factory. Or possibly a house. Depends on the size of the chimney really.
What Does Your Soul Look Like?
Behave, what a bloody stupid question.
Is she really going out with him?
'Fraid so, buddy.
What's The Frequency, Kenneth?
92–95 MHz FM.
What's He Building In There?
A kit car.
Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?
You're having a myocardial infarction.
Do You Know The Way to San Jose?
erm, no.
Why Does It Always Rain On Me?
Because you live in Tutunendo, Colombia.
Why Don't We Do It In The Road?
Any number of reasons, health and safety chief among them.
It's..
..Political correctness gone mad!
Is it love you're after or just a good time?
Let's start with the latter and see how it goes after that..
What Do You Get When You Fall In Love?
Quite a lot, going by your user name.
More questions
Queen: Is This the World We Created? - No it was the big bang followed by eons of development and evolution \God
Do You Know the Way To San Jose? I'm in Swindon mate, get a sat nav
Can I Kick It? - I believe that you can, yes
How can you mend a broken heart?
Defibrillator? bypass? transplant? Sometimes you can't.
Isn't It A Lovely Night?
It's alright.
Does Your Mother Know?
My mother is omniscient. That's why she's so scary.
Do You Love Me?
I haven't decided, but your dancing ability, past or present, is unlikely to influence my decision.
Here goes...
What's New Pussycat? - These crunchy 'Dentibit' things that keep my teeth nice and clean.
Do You Like Rock Music? - Yes, I do - I'd hardly be here otherwise now, would I?
What Do I Get? - No love, no sleep at nights, nothing that's nice, nothing at all, at all, at all...
Got Glint? - Err...don't think so. (What is this 'glint' of which you speak?)
Ou Est La Maison de Fromage? - Elle est là-bas, à côté de la boucherie.
Are We Not Men? - We are Devo!
Do You Remember the First Time? - Oh yes. Oh yes indeed. *sigh.*
What Is This Thing Called, Love?
Supply your own punch-line on this....
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?
Nah mate, 65B. The 65A is about ten minutes behind me..
Did You
Ever In Your Life See A Diver Kiss His Wife While The Bubbles Bounce About Above The Water?
Errrrrm, no
Do You Realize??
No, do you realize (sic) that using two question marks is really irritating and spoils the entire song for grammar and punctuation nerds? Do you? Bastard.
How will I know if he really loves me?
Well If he beats the shit out of you and gets you hooked on crack destroying your career in the process, that's not a good sign...
Isn't She Lovely?
You try living with her
Any requests?
Yes, shut the fuck up
Guess who just got back today?
Lord Lucan?
What am I gonna do with myself?
Probably best to take your hand out of your pants. This is a restaurant for pity's sake
When Will I Be Famous?
1987 for a month, maybe 2
Are you sure Hank done it this way?
Stop talking and get on with it
Was that you?
It was the dog
Who Let The Dogs Out?
"Greyhound Racing Starting Boxes
When you must have perfect and lure synchronised starts …
That gets the greyhounds all away at exactly the same time, every time ... you need Steriline Racing."
When will I, will I be famous?
Soon. But not for long!
(oops. beaten to it)
That could have
put a cat among the pigeons but don't worry you owe me nothing.
Life on Mars?
Doubtful. Some microbes, possibly.
Did
You Ever Have To make Up Your Mind?
Well, that depends, I mean, give me a few hours, err, I'll get back to you
How do you sleep?
Like spoons, thanks for asking.
Have I The Right?
Not since the restraining order - no.
What's Going On?
Depends on the time and place you are in and your ability to comprehend it. Simple really.
Are you experienced?
To be honest most of that stuff on my cv was made up. I've never been on the moon and I didn't really invent the internet.
Is this Love?
Not really, it's just the effect of a glass or two ish of wine. Hic
Why Can't I Be You?
Stop it. I am *not* sending my bank details or passport to Nigeria.
How long?
I know, impressive isn't it?
where do you go to my Lovely ?
as far away from you as possible,you pervy upper class twit.
Where Do Broken Hearts Go?
usually the pub until closing time.
What You Waiting For?
Customers. And I'm freezing.
Why Can't The English?
Bloated bureaucracy, cynical media and a creaking infrastructure.
Who Knows Where the Time Goes?
Have you looked down the side of the sofa?
How Soon Is Now?
...er, it was just then, mate. Yep, there it goes, fading into the past... But there'll be another 'now' along soon enough, don't worry...
When you want to live
How do you start?
Where do you go?
Who do you need to know?
Don't ask me. I'm locked in my bedroom with the curtains drawn listening to The Smiths.
What'd I Say?
...THAT's what you said. See? If only you'd waited till the next line you wouldn't have had to ask everyone else for three minutes over a funky riff. Honestly, some people...
Who Are You?
Hi Pete, I'm Stimpy, a retired drummer with an unhealthy interest in vintage synthesisers, Pygmy goats and old Land-Rovers.
Why?
I couldn't begin to tell you
Surely the answer is
Why not?
Have I the right?
Almost certainly
Don't You Want Me Baby?
Sorry Phil, I've spent 16 years bringing mine up, I don't want to take yours as well.
Beaten to it
But mine was going to be:
Don't You Want Me?
Not with that stupid bloody haircut I don't.
Have you seen her?
No. (cough) Is there a bra on the floor? can't think how that got there..
What difference does it make?
It makes none, apparently.
What Is Love For?
Oh for Gods sake I don't know, just cheer up will you Justin!
Ever
fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Yes, several times
Are you lonesome tonight...?
The FPO has retired upstairs to watch the X Factor final so thankfully, yes.
Are you experienced?
Tell me what you think in the morning.
Do You Wanna Dance?
With these knees? Sorry, mate. No can do anymore...
What's Up?
Opposite of down, innit.
Could This Be Magic?
More likely to be some form of illusion.
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
Depends if you want that donut or not.
What do you want if you don't want money?
Oh just buy me a pint. I'm sure you'll do the same for me one day.
How many friends have I really got? Two or three close ones and lot of others.
Who are you? Well, come on, who the f*** are you?
Must I paint you a picture? Please say no because I'm no good at art.
Are Friends Electric?
Quite a few of mine seem to be gas-powered.
No
but two of them are inflatable.
Why does it hurt when I pee?
Ah. perhaps you got it from a toilet seat?
Does Your Mother Know?
I expect so. Mums usually do.
Where is the love?
Well, where were you when you last had it?
Who are the brain police?
Now there you have me, sir.
Who's that girl?
Gillian McKeith...
Is Vic there?
...er, no, just me and the chickens, sorry - you must have a wrong number...
Is this the way to Amarillo?
Sure is! Just follow that dancing comedian and his ever-changing entourage. Mind how you go.
Where did our love go?
Dunno. Tescos? Hartlepool?
What do pretty girls do?
Give me a withering look these days
Is This It?
Yep, pretty much so I'm afraid.
How do you sleep?
Intermittently thanks to having two children under two!
Can you feel the love tonight?
'Fraid not, got a 5 week old baby at the end of the bed.
What's Love Got To Do It With It?
Not much darling to be honest
Therapy?
Electroshock, please! I've brought me own bite-down and jump leads!
BR
FT
Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
Oh Yeah
Do you know where you are going to ?
Yes love. It says so on the front of the Bus.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
Yes, left at Randy's Pizza Shack and straight down Hollywood Boulevard
How do you do what you do to me?
Rohypnol
tea you can really taste
I knew that tea tasted strange !
Do You Remember Walter?
Um...Black hair? No? Oh, the guy who loves Spurs? No?
Then no, I don't...
Hello! Is it me you're looking for?
...Look, Lionel, for the last time: stop ringing this number or i'll have to report you to the appropriate authorities...
Can we still be friends?
Look, you may have questioned my skills at posting photos on the blog but it's all water under the bridge now. Have a pint.
Doesn't anybody stay together anymore? Think of the children Colleen. Forget Mr Potato Head. Have a pint.
What do you want from me? Keep that lad of yours indoors Dave and get a round in. I'll have a pint.
Can I Play With Madness?
If you must, Jools, but I'd steer clear of The Fall if I were you.
Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler?
Ze English!
What have I done to deserve this?
The fact that you have to ask that question says it all! *flounce out of the room*
"Should I stay or should I go?"
Well, if you go there will be trouble, if you stay there will be double.
The best response is therefore to go.
Exactly!
There's no dilemma in that song at all. Trouble is clearly preferable to double trouble.
And they're both preferable to the Rebel MC.
I'll get me (street tuff) coat.
Why can't I touch it?
Because you've been chopping chillies, you big silly.
What would you do if I sang out of tune?
We'd limit you to just the one song per album, Ringo.
Is that all there is?
Well, it's slowing down a little, but I reckon the thread's still good for a day or two at least.
What's My Name?
Why it's John Graham Mellor, Joe.
How Do I Live?
At a guess, very nicely indeed.
Who Am I (What's My Name)?
Snoop Doggy Dogg (Snoop Doggy Dogg).
Who Says (It's Good To Be Alive)?
Anyone (who's not affecting a tiresome rock n'roll nihilism, Richard).
Is it like today?
I've, like, checked my watch and whatever, and it, like, totally is, yeah? Trippy.
Da ya think I'm sexy?
No, I find poor spelling a turn-off and I'm concerned that in the future, you'll end up releasing a seemingly endless string of albums of American standards.
Is This It?
No lads you've got a couple more albums in you yet.
Are You A Hypnotist??
Look into the eyes, straight into the eyes, not around the eyes, look into the eyes. You're under. I am NOT a hypnotist. When you wake up you will forget that you ever suspected I was a hypnotist. And you will abandon your upsetting punctuation habits.
You're back in the room.
Do you want to go to bed with me?
Um...
Are you blue or are you blind?
I'm neither Mark. I'm a Liverpool fan and I know an offside when I see it.
Who's gonna shoe your pretty little feet?
Clarks
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Um. Hang on a sec. *riffles pages* POUR ALLER À L'ARC DE TRIOMPHE S'IL VOUS PLAIT?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Look, if we're at that stage, I think it's OK to use "tu".
SLF - Is that what you fought the war for?
So it would seem. Bummer, eh?
Do You Remember Walter?
Hmm....only the wimpy looking guy from the Beano..
Is This The Way To Amarillo?
Nope - this is the way TV cheese hell unless you self edit you pompous twat.
Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?
Why do you ask, Big-nose?
Could it be magic? Unlikely, it's probably science.
How Long? 12" - but I don't use it as a rule.
"Who's going to drive you home tonight?"
I am.
Do you want the truth or something beautiful?
Well, just a change from the usual socks and slippers would be nice.
"Would I Lie To you?"
Oh yeah!
"How Soon Is Now"
As I understand it delays in our cognitive processes mean that we are always a few nanoseconds behind "now" so, technically speaking, it never arrives.
"Donald, Where's Yer Troosers?"
Erm, I seem to have misplaced them somewhere officer, thanks for pointing that out.
"Shall We Take A Trip?"
That would be lovely, Whitstable is lovely this time of year.
"Who Are You?"
I am ganglesprocket. Sorry, I'm not telling you my real name. I'd rather not be too easily googled by potential employers etc if that's ok with you?
Can You Feel It ?
Oh, put it away.
What's Wrong With This Picture?
Horizontal hold, I'd say but that's not easy to fix these days.
Whatever Happened to PJ Proby?
Search me, mate.
When Will I Ever Learn To Live In God?
When your name gets to the top of the housing list.
Did Ye Get Healed?
Yes, I did, but how did you know about that?
What Makes The Irish Heart Beat?
Christ, Van, enough with the questions!
Can you dig it?
Now look, the sixties was a long time ago so stop talking like that. OK?
Do Ya?
When the mood takes me, yes.
Do ya wanna funk?
To be honest I'm a bit tired at the moment.
Do you like my tight sweater?
Most becoming, yes.
What do I have to do?
Answer 20 questions correctly in half an hour.
Have you ever seen the rain?
Yes. For reference I have also seen snow, hail & sleet.
So What'Cha Want?
A cup of tea would be nice.
Is There Something I Should Know?
Yeah, Simon's looking a bit porky and you probably shouldn't let him near a yacht again
Can You Forgive Her?
No
Why can't I be you?
You're breaking the terms of the restraining order. Leave now or I'm calling the police.
Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear?
..'Cos you're Johnny Depp.
Are you ready to be heartbroken?
No. of couse not. Who in their right mind would want to get their heartbroken?
Are You Ready For The Country?
Depends. Wales: yes, fine. Yemen: possibly not.
And more
Just Who Is The 5 o'clock Hero? That'd be me - I always get up when the baby cries.
How Am I Supposed To Live Without You? Know what, Michael, I really don't give a tuppeny shite.
Voulez Vous? Ça Dépend!
What's In A Kiss? Not too much tongue the first time, please.
Didn't I Blow Your Mind This Time? Yes you did, but please don't spike my drink again.
Will Anything Happen? I really, really hope so, Ms Harry.
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour On The Bedpost Overnight?
a) No, but it leaves nasty stains on the velour headboard
b) Hang around long enough and you'll find out
c) That's not chewing gum
Answers on the back of a postcard or sealed envelope to Mr L Donegan.
Does It Offend You, Yeah?
More
than
you
can
POSSIBLY IMAGINE
Where's The Weekend?
Sandwiched between Friday and Monday.
Where's Da G's?
Again, sandwiched; but this time between the F's and the H's. Or the F#s and the G#s.
Whatever Happened To?
The end of your sentence?
When will I see you again?
I dunno. About quarter to six this evening? Depends on the buses.
Do You Believe in Magic?
Not since I saw the masked magician on ITV.
How does it feeeeeeel?
To be honest, Bob, it's hurting my ears a bit.
Sorry.
I should think so young man.
Go and sit over there, and have a think about what you've done.
'Like A Rolling Stone,' indeed. Pah!
can you kick it?
Yes, I can. Assuming "it" is the ball...., however if you're referring to my addiction to publicity, alchohol, cigarettes and cocaine, then I suspect it's going to be an ongoing struggle played out acros the pages of the gutter press, I'm afraid.
Who are the Mystery Girls ?
Well, if I told you it wouldn't be much of a mystery, would it ?
When can I change my clothes ?
Keep your pants on a while longer Bukka, the rinse cycle just started.
Just who is the 5 o'clock hero ?
I've been cooking for over an hour now, so if you don't know the answer to that question you're definitely sleeping on the sofa tonight...
How can anybody possibly know how I feel ?
Well, keep moaning about it in a couple of more songs and it will eventually happen.
Is it day or night ?
Girls, just open the blinds.
Is it my body ?
Well yes Alice, partly, but your face isn't that hot either...
What do you know ?
I know that you love writing songs in the form of questions, Pete.
What is my role ?
You're wise man number three. Yes, I know you wanted to play baby Jesus, but you really don't fit in that manger Edwyn!
Isn't it a pity ?
Nah, she deserved it.
Is you is or is you ain't my baby ?
Well, if you put it that way; no I is not.
What the fuck are we saying ?
Profanities apparently, Lenny.
Am I a human ?
Well now that you mention it, Sinead; that bald head and the big eyes is a bit reminiscent of E.T.
How does that grab you, darlin' ?
Ouch, let go of my nipple Nancy, that really hurts!
God ?
Shhh...don't open THAT can of worms again...!
How can I Live Without You?
Seemingly, a lot more cheaply !
How Can I Be Sure?
Have you tried changing your name by Deed Poll?
Who's Making Love To My Old Lady, While I Was Out Making Love
Mr. Rampant Rabbit ! (or maybe the lodger?)
What's Love Got To Do With I.T.?
Not much. It's mainly turning computers off and on again. Although there might be drunken fumble at the office Christmas party...
Who's Zoomin' Who?
Could well be me, could well be you. I'm not sure what it is to zoom someone, y'see.
If a Picture Paints a Thousand Words,Then Why Can't I Paint You?
Because I can't paint like Picasso, but you look like one. Bah.
War. Huuurgh. Good God. What is it good for?
Absolutely nuthin. Ain't nuthin but a heartbreaker. But something something something for the undertaker.
War. Huuurgh. Good God. What is it good for?
Well, if you happen to be a part of the military-industrial complex "profits" would be a good place to start.
Hmmm, on balance, you're right. Absolutely nuthin'. Say it again! Y'all!!
If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?
Buy me a drink first, and we'll see.
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Um, I'll get you that drink, shall I?
Why do we never get an answer
when we're knocking at the door?
They've got a peephole. Look at yourselves.
Do you want to touch me?
Oh dear God, no
Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?
Never mind my wild horses, pal, who's going to kick you in the arse for ruining a perfectly good album?
Where Did It All Go Wrong?
Be Here Now, Noel. D'you know what I mean?