Entertainment For Lively Minds
Imponderable questions for The Massive
Posted by Beany on 17 May 2010 - 9:49am.
Why is there such a fuss being made in the media about a coalition government when it is what the public voted for?
Why do the BBC still call a show "The Chris Evans Breakfast Show" when Chris Evans is not the presenter?
How do I set my laser printer to stun?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
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How have we managed to send men to the moon...
and yet getting the booklets out of CD cases is nigh-on impossible?
More pertinently
how did they get them in?
How have we managed to send men to the moon ...
... and yet we still make teapots which pour tea out of the lid rather than the spout?
Genius steals
Every once in a blue moon, you find a teapot that actually works. Yes, they do exist. My imponderable is why every other teapot designer doesn't blatantly copy this design. Is there some kind of engineering problem in the mass production of spouts that baffles the laws of physics? Or are they acting in collusion with the commercial laundry firms? I demand an answer, I just don't happen to know any teapot designers who I can demand it from.
My own unproveable theory
Is that somewhere in the world someone got the figures horribly wrong and produced billions of those stupid little steel teapots which, due to the oversupply, must have a wholesale price of 0.1 pence. All catering outfits everywhere simply cannot afford to buy anything else.
But *have* we managed to send men to the moon? hmm? hmm?
I'll get me spacesuit.
Paging DaveAmitri...
;-)
sorry Dave!
Edit: just realised this thread is 9 days old. Must keep up...
Why did Frank Zappa
not get a second opinion?
What was it..
that the knights in white sat in?
ROFL
I laughed out loud, actually!
So did I
after I got the joke.
Oh, that's good.
I'm stealing that, thanks Albert.
Who actually
put the 'bop' in the 'bop shoo bop shoo bop'? or the 'ram' in the 'ram-a-lama-ding-dong'?
Greg Shaw asked that question every bi-month for many years
You Did ......
Why...
...does so much of the educational establishment think that acquiring general knowledge is a bad thing? Knowing lots of randomly-acquired and useless information = a great thing. And makes me useful in pub quizzes.
are you serious about that, Mr Bear?
I remember for my two years of Primary school, our teacher devoted half an hour each day to general knowledge. We all had a copybook for (what he called) 'interesting facts' and we got tested on them regularly. I've forgotten a lot, but I still know that a codicil is an addition to a will, a fathom is six feet and that the miners safety lamp was invented by Sir Humphrey Davey. Also, you'll be thrilled to know, that Birr in Co Offaly was known as Parsonstown, Cobh, Co. Cork was Queenstown, and Dun Laoghaire in Dublin was known as Kingstown.
I'll level with you. Fuck all of these have come up on any pub trivia machine i've been near, but I still reckon that the time wasn't wasted. Is it genuinely the case that unless something is 'examinable' in some formal setting that it isn't worthy of teaching time?
I have many problems with the National Curriculum...
...but the biggest is this: anything that's not on the syllabus doesn't ever, ever get taught. The useful red herring is a deeply endangered species.
heck...
that's not good. Can't comment about the National Curriculum as I'm in Ireland; it's quite possible that there's a similar situation here nowadays. Either way, it's terribly sad.
Age coding pub quizzes
It seems like there's room for a pub quiz that tries to avoid anything that has ever been on the National Curriculum and instantly gives the young upstarts in the pub a problem. Sort of "Are you smarter than a 10 yera old" but in reverse.
Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old
The very premise of that show enrages me. Of course I fucking am! How dare they even ask!
My fondly remembered French Teacher
Used to give his pub quizzes a run out with us come the end of term. He was one for 'useless' bits of general knowledge too.
For thousands of years we've prized those people who just 'know' stuff. I loved being in a room one evening some years back, doing a quiz set by a Belgian, and being the only one to know that Baudouin II was the king of Belgium at the time. Just knowing that little bit of fluff felt nice.
One of the downsides of the last twenty years is that, the global, sprawling web has devalued 'knowing stuff' and replaced it with the ability to find stuff instead. Now, I'm in the internet business and have been online since the early 90's (before the wave started) but I lament this more than a little. I want both skills to be there. And if you don't know stuff, how can you evaluate what you've found? All the teaching in the new curricula seems to overlook this not inconsiderable issue.
Hurrah for (as some accuse me of) 'being full of shit'. Long may it continue.
Abso-blimmin-lutely.
Without knowing stuff, how could I have won the admiration and envy of all by once knowing the exact answer to the "nearest guess wins" question in a pub quiz in Acton? It was this, by the way: "Psalm 119 has the most verses of any psalm in the bible. How many?" Cue scratching of heads around the pub, whispered guesses, heated hissed arguments breaking out. Not on our team. The answer's 176, and I just knew it. Fucking brilliant. I think it might be the proudest moment of my life.
And it's not just pub quizzes - knowing stuff is a skill in itself, and as you say - people are trying to make out it doesn't matter. Well, it bloody does.
Margaret Fuller (1810-1850)
"If you have knowledge,let others light their candles at it."
176
Colour me impressed.
That one has been filed away for future reference. There may be a test later.
I was a cathedral chorister...
...in my early youth. You gets to know yer psalms. ;-)
I read that as...
"You gets to know yer palms"
That too.
They also train you in tarot and tea leaves. It's a living.
I hope
that's what you meant Stimpy, otherwise this conversation has taken a whole other new, and not altogether salubrious, direction... ;-)
Goodness me.
I was only seven at the time. Wash your mind out!
Couldn't agree with you more
My 85 year old mother, who never attended university, still manages to answer what seems like 80% of the questions on University Challenge and it still impresses me. My cap is doffed in your general direction, sir, for the psalms question. Superb stuff!
Do you believe in magic?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
What's love got to do with it?
Where did our love go?
What becomes of the broken-hearted?
There is mouse-flavoured cat food.
It's called a mouse.
and chicken flavoured cat food is called an egg.
Given that an unfertilised egg is, essentially, a neatly encapsulated chicken period, how did anyone first decide that eating one was a good idea?
Ovary long period of time?
excellent yolk
i LOLed
Is this where we start cracking egg based puns now?
.
no
we should get back to talking about rock albumens
that, in my view was wonderful
have an 'up'
Cow's milk
At what point did someone think, "you know, if I squeeze one of that cow's tits, I wonder if it will be worth tasting what might come out?"
To be followed by, "No, it's really good. Why don't you try it?"
Also followed by
a short period of time where everyone went around squeezing other animals - pigs, ducks, cats and so on - and tasting what came out.
I still can't believe that people milk sheep
...Goats, yes, they have the udders...but sheep.?!?!?
Sod the sheep...
.. DUCKS!!!
Where did all the flowers go?
.
Have you ever seen the rain?
Yes. Yes I have.
Hey!
Did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world?
And furthermore, if you did - was she crying?
Does
anyone know the way - there's got to be a way - to Blocbuster?
Yes
Go down to the lights, turn right, up past Tescos and it's on the left before the zebra.
No.
But I do know the way to San Jose.
Once you get there
Head northwest on N Market St toward W Julian St
Take the 1st left onto W Julian St
Take the ramp onto CA-87 S
Take exit 1A for State 85 S toward Gilroy
Merge onto CA-85 S
Merge onto US-101 S
Take exit 356 for 10th St/CA-152 E
Turn left at E 10th St/CA-152 E/E Pacheco Pass Rd
Continue to follow CA-152 E/E Pacheco Pass Rd
Turn right at CA-152 E/Pacheco Pass Rd
Continue to follow CA-152 E
Merge onto I-5 S via the ramp to Los Angeles
Take exit 257 for CA-58 toward Bakersfield
Turn left at Blue Star Memorial Hwy/CA-58 E/Rosedale Hwy
Turn right at CA-43 S/CA-58 E/Enos Ln
Turn left at Blue Star Memorial Hwy/CA-58 E/Rosedale Hwy
Take the ramp onto Blue Star Memorial Hwy/CA-58 E/CA-99 S
Continue to follow Blue Star Memorial Hwy/CA-58 E
Merge onto I-15 N via the ramp to Las Vegas/I-40
Continue onto I-40 E (signs for Needles)
Take exit 70 to merge onto US-287 N/US-60 E/US-87 N toward Downtown
Continue to follow US-87 N
Turn right at E Amarillo Blvd
And that is the way to Amarillo. So you can stop singing, Tony.
What are
occasional tables the rest of the time?
Why isn't stainless steel?
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Attending a James Blunt gig may answer this Zen Koan.
'swish'
Ask me another
Ok.
How much hair could a bare bear bear
If a bare bear could bear hair,
If a bare bear could bear as much hair
as bare bear could bear,
If a bare bear could bear hair?
All depends
if the plarsifarge is on the stromleywiffle
Bye tiddlybumlode.
Where in the world?
PC World!
The first two I thought of in the shower
There were three questions originally but I had a senior moment.
Oh yes. Why do footballers need to earn so much.
Yes I know all the debates about "and why not" and "it's the way of the world" or even "they only have short careers". As we saw with the list of West Ham salaries last week, even mediocre players earn more in a year than we will ever earn in a lifetime. I suppose a solution would be more pay based on performance or how often they clock in for training/playing but I'm sure the agents would gripe about that.
It might them think though, in the same way of the solution for speeding up marathon races - after every mile shoot the runner in last postion...
Also, how do you get Teflon to stick to a frying pan?
They do that (sort of) in the Tour de France
There's a van called 'Le Lanterne Rouge' which chugs along a set time behind the leader (2 hours springs to mind). Any rider who gets caught by the van stops, climbs in and their race is over.
Not quite...
Not quite, Stimpy. La Lanterne Rouge is the rider who completes the Tour in last place.
What's the name of the bus I'm thinking of?
The one that 'sweeps up' the back markers.
(3) is pretty much the premise
of Stephen King's (writing as Richard Bachman) 'The Long Walk'
Does your chewing gum lose It's flavour on the bedpost overnight
Well does It?
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
Is it anything to do with the breadcrumbs in your pocket?
"Do I not like that?"
Closely followed by "Oh shit" as (insert name of whoever England are playing) score...
Where DO the streets have no name?
Rhodes?
Someone with a side parting and a pipe
once asked the philosophical conundrum,
'If a tree falls in a forest and there is no-one there to hear it, does it make a sound?'
Look, man. What you do is make sure the tree isn't looking, set up a tape recorder, push it over, then run away.
When you return and play the tape I think you'll find an answer.
This is dead easy.
when a tree falls in the forest
do the other trees laugh at it?
Mr T
Can pity a fool in the forest, even though no-one can hear his jibber-jabber.
Now
that's funny
No, but on the other side of the world
a butterfly flaps its wings.
Why when you buy tyres for your car
are the measurements in a mixture of cms and inches, as in 235/45/17?
Whole Lotta Radial
da na na na na na na, Angus Angus etc etc
Why . . . ?
Why did they name Queen Elizabeth after a ship?
Why did they name King Edward after a potato?
Why did they name King Henry after a pub in Rotherham?
Why do they keep asking me, What is the fifth word in "bryfred fartness pigjams yegadsman truffty"? every time I want to post a comment?
tea-stained letter
You may well be right, Steerpike - let's add the nation's otherwise pristine trousers and tablecloths to the long list of innocent victims of the free market in tableware and utensils.
Schrodingers cat
What kind of sick bastard would put a wee moggie in a box with something that`s potentially fatal?
Of course...
If he ever did try it with a proper cat, on opening the box the cat wouldn't be there anyway.
Cats have this uncanny ability of managing to pass through doors, boxes and other similar impenetrable barriers unnoticed. Or at least the one that lodges at my mother's place does.
Heisenberg says
I'm uncertain about that in principle.
Coat. gathered.
From Stephen Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is the severity of the itch proportional to the reach.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime artist, would you use a silencer?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
What's a Karma error?
And why does it claim to time me out, and then not time me out?
Why waste money
advertising a Psychic Fair?
How soon...
...is now?
....and, what is a *now*?
As in when Ray Charles sings.....I wonder who's kissing her now?
or Justin Currie, on his new CD says....I can't let go of her now.
Now?
That's what I call music.
42
...
I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now
Ray was still married when he recorded that.
Here's a practical one
Why, when you're trying to reach something under the sofa, is it only slightly out of reach? You can just about get a fingertip onto it, but not get any kind of grip.
It's never way out of reach, at the back; so that you look at it and think "Oh well, I'll have to move the sofa."
No. Always just the length of an outstretched arm + 2mm, so that you spend half an hour grovelling on the floor, swearing and inhaling cat hairs. Then you move the sofa.
If you make instant coffee
in a microwave, does it go back in time?
Only if travelling
at Light Blend speed.
Last place
Why do you always find something in the last place you look?!
Because
your not going to look in any more places after you've found it.
Incidentally, has anybody ACTUALLY found what they're looking for? b ecause I still haven't. Although I'm not really sure what I'm looking for
If
you haven't already climbed the highest mountain, or run through the fields - don't bother. Waste of time.
I barked my shins...
...while scaling these bloody city walls, too. I wish I'd known.
Things are rarely
in the last place you look for them.
They're generally in one of the first places you look, but you didn't see them, because you had a Daddy Look and you should have had a Mummy Look, which involves less swearing and more moving things around, like cushions.
A related condition, Male Fridge Blindness, makes it impossible for sufferers to see a carton of milk when it's 12 inches from their nose.
I give up
Actually they're normally in the third place you're looking when you're looking for the next thing, having given up trying to find what you want about 10 days ago. The extension to this is that it will always be no more than a day after you really needed it. If you actually had to buy a replacement it will probably be found within 10 minutes of gettings back home from the shopping trip.
Is Um-Bongo
really brewed in the Congo?
No, they *drink* it in the Congo
Where it is brewed is a closely-guarded secret.
Way down deep
in the middle, so I've heard.
that's that one
sorted, thanking you
Why is it that you can beat an egg..
But you can't beat a wank?
You can't beat a shag
without the RSPB getting involved
What's the difference...
...between 'hard' and 'light'?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
Question Time
Wonder if it would be possible to get David Dimblebum, or even our own David Hepworth, to present a BBC Question Time-type session where the chosen members of the audience ask only questions of a rocular nature.
You at the back in the floppy hat and red shirt.
Does the panel think the music of The Divine Comedy should be available free on the NHS?
Over to you Elkie...
Drowsy or Non-Drowsy?
Why buy drowsy, when non-drowsy is available. Who, voluntarily, would want to be in a sort of semi-snoozy fug.
Oh I don't know
it might help on some occasions, like being forced to sit through particularly depressing episodes of Eastenders or any episode of Hollyoaks. Narcolepsy seems infinitely preferable then.
Why does it say
do not operate heavy machinery on children's medicine?
Have you seen the size & complexity of Playmobil nowadays?
Sound advice
How many buns...
...make five?
Overheard at Windsor Castle...
Some American tourists asked each other "why did they build the castle so close to Heathrow airport?" Allegedly.
Overheard in Glasgow
Two girls looking for jewellery. One says to the assistant: 'can ah hiv one o' they crosses withoot the wee man oan it?'
Are we human,
or are we dancer?
What is THIS thing called
love ?
The Alzheimer's remix
What is this thing called, Love?
What does the word F*ck mean?