Entertainment For Lively Minds
I'll never forget old whats-her-face
Posted by Gatz on 10 April 2011 - 5:27pm.
Reading the coverage of the News of the World phone hacking scandal in the papers yesterday I spotted a picture of Tessa Jowell. 'Ah', I said, 'It's Jessa'. This naturally puzzled my girlfriend, so I had to explain that when I had reason to mention the politician some years ago I inadvertently spoonerised her as ‘Jessa Towell’, since when I have been unable to see her mentioned without thinking of her as Jessa.
My girlfriend says that this is hardly surprising as I‘m such a spoon, an observation which she found more amusing than I did.
Anyway, is there anyone in the public eye whom you are unable to think of as someone else entirely, or even a whole new person of your own linguistic creation?
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Jan Dildo.
The late lamented Jill Dando will always be Jan Dildo in our house. And the house of all my friends, I imagine.
And her brother Bob, nee Zimmerman.
This infuriated me so much and so continually in the record shop where I worked that our manager sent me and Steve, whose amusing bon mot it was, upstairs to clean the video section and told us not to come down until we'd sorted it out.
The bass player in our band shares the same name as a Top Gear presenter and is habitually tardy, and as such is known as The Late Richard Hammond.
Burly
Chassis for a certain Welsh chanteuse
My dad always called her that...
... and Dusty was always Rusty Springboard in our house when I was growing up.
In more recent times there's 'The Boss' who will always be known as Loose Windscreen.
Thanks to some anagram sketch...
...Two Ronnies probably, Dusty Springfield was always Gipsy Stunfiddler in our house.
Congrats...
On hit on Google for Gipsy Stunfiddler - this one.
We also had a tendency...
...when at uni to refer to minor slebs as if they had affected a ridiculous inverted nickname, e.g Nicky "Campbell Nicky" Campbell. Naturally, airquotes were always employed. I still do it occasionally today. It amuses me and my mate Nick, and that really is it.
John Humphrys...
... has been John Harrumphrys in my house for some time. We also yell "Say penis" when he starts getting aggressive. This is because of a hysterical interview he did a couple of years ago about sex education when he pressed the interviewee very hard about what precise terminology could be used by teachers in class. "But what actual words will be used." He seemed so determined to get the person to say "penis" on air that we've never quite gotten over it.
Truly the laughter never stops round here...
Justin Bieboos
...my six-year-old son's favourite spoonerism.
For some reason...
..he's become Justin Beaver in our house.
Kind of makes sense
Biber is German for beaver. Almost the same pronunciation.
Sir Andre Previn
will always be Mr Andrew Preview.
That still makes me laugh
After all those years and so many viewings.
"In the second movement,
not too heavy on the banjos"
My favourite misprint...
...Billy Furry.
Many years ago the Radio Times ran a listing for The Last Waltz
where they called the bass player Rick Donko. That one stuck.
Possibly the first time this name has been used here
Barry Manilow was re-christened Mandy Barrilow, and then following The Two Ronnies Top of The Pops doo-dah it become Barely Manenough.
Shirley Bassey became Burley Chassis.
Growing up in a house like that, is it any wonder I'm unable to call things by their real earwig?
He was always
Manny Barrowload to me.
Mangy Bendylegs in our house.
Mary Bendytoes
At our school
My mum
always mixes up Rick Wakeman with Alan Rickman, and on one special occasion, "Rick Mansworth".
It's like DLT never went away
King of the 'Olivia Neutron Bomb' school of comedy.
Didn't Morecambe and Wise called Faye Dunaway Faye Dunawaywith?
He will always be
Dave O'Leary Tomkins to me. DOLT.
(c) the late great Keith Moon and a Radio One show he hosted.
And
popular eighties DJ Gary Davis was always called Ooh Gary Davis as per his jingle.
Likewise
Pat Sharp is always followed with a "Whoop Whoop!" even though I've only heard this second hand.
My entire family
refer to Cliff Richard as "Cliffy Pilchard." To this day, I'm still not entirely sure why...
Part of the answer..
may be that the Record Mirror, way way back, used to do spoof interviews with people with "humourous" names. A few of these have stuck with me for 40 years: Bull McCartlidge, Joe Lemon, Grisly Swill Trash & Dung, and yes, Riff Pilchard.
Possibly a connection there, Joe.
Stiff
I've always known Sir Harry Webb as -Stiff- Pilchard. Seems appropriate.
Then there's former Gong guitarist Steve Ullage and his album "Bile Rising" and of course John, Paul, George and Bongo.
National Trust
For about twenty years the GLW and I have lurked in the National Trust (Phew! Rock and Roll!). We invariably refer to it as the National Front. No satire intended. Occasional hasty retractions are necessary.
It'll always be the National
It'll always be the National Truss to me.
Did I get this from here?
I pronounce Lady Gaga Lady G'ga - it amuses me no end. Yes, Justin is a Beaver here too and Miley Cyrus is Smiley Virus - which I think came from Mark Kermode. The kids I teach think I'm absolutely hilaire.
I like the Lady G'ga thing
Do you also, Charlie Brooker style, attempt to pronounce JLS as one word, so it sounds sort of like "juhluhs"?
Jizzle
as I believe they are known in certain circles.
They're known as 'Jills' around here.
or even The Jills when I'm trying to wind up the younger Stimpette.
Lank Frampard
A friend of mine has been deliberately spoonerising him (ooer) for years.
Another friend liked to refer to Craig DAAAvid as David Craig just to be uncool.
I find both of these make me chuckle more than they really should.
Not a spoonerism
But someone told me Lampard in Dutch meant 'lame horse'. I can't get rid of the association.
Another footballer
Graham Lesaux: I always thought it was spelt 'le seau', making him Graham The Bucket.
He's always been
Lee Socks to me.
Not a person, but...
I recently Spoonerised Harvey's Bristol Cream into "Harvey's Crystal..."
I realised my mistake before I could say "bream." My friend then completed the sentence for me, with a twist.
As a consequence, on those very rare occasions that sherry is called for in our house, it is now offered as "Harvey's Crystal Meth."
Britney Spears
is always referred to in our household as Britney Spears Spits In Your Beer.
And Cheryl Cole is inevitably Cherry Cola.
The Strolling Bones
is how I tend to think of Mick, Keef et al today.
Chefs..
Jamie Oliver will always be JFO
Hugh Fearnley-Whatsit is always Hugh Fearnley-Dropdrawers
Also known as
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingham-Twittingham
Heston Blumenthal => Heston Services or Heston Bloomineck
Greg Wallace & John Torode - Baldy Egg Head Barrow Boy & The Scarecrow
Huge Furry Whippingstool
Thanks to Lee and Herring.
Surely...
... Hugh Fearnley Shittingstool? I thought everyone called him that?
Jamie Oliver is still known as...
The FTMC...
yuppity
- here also.
FTMC?
Fat-Tongued Mockney Chap?
Or something like that.
Close enough :-)
In many ways it's a shame that the nickname stuck as he's turned out to be a seemingly decent chap with genuine concerns about the quality of our food.
He probably hates the scooter-riding, Toploader-playing, banister-sliding, 'pukka tukka for my great mates' caricature from 20 years ago as much as we do.
The Sheperd's Bush Empire
I once successfully spoonerised into The Sheperd's Pie Ambush.
It's been called that for the past decade amongst those who refuse to let me forget it.
This doesn't involve slebs but it's sorta relevant...
... I worked for a small company in Cheltenham many years ago, delivering to shops large & small around the country. The secretary, lovely girl though she was, couldn't type for toffee hence delivery notes addressed to someone on the Fulman Road, Top Court Road and that big department store in Knightsbridge was, and shall remain forever, Harold's.
My mum...
...used to work for an insurance company. She used to love the health claims that came up to her from the people answering the phones.
There was one claim which she couldn't make head or tail of. The box detailing the claimant's illness simply said:
No explanation, nothing. My mum thought at least this represented an uptick in the usual spelling standard but it didn't make sense, so she followed it up with a call to the claimant's GP.
Turned out it was "anal fissure".
Dame Judi and the Hamster
I’ve never quite been able to take Judi Dench seriously since I met the woman who became my FPO, who routinely refers to her as Judi Dentures. I don’t know why, but it makes her (and me) laugh.
Also, many years ago, when I was a student journalist, an aristocratic chap called William Hamilton-Dalrymple was a lead writer on our rival publication. We duly cut him down to size by altering his name in an amusing way, and to this day, when I see a review of a new publication on India by the award-winning travel writer, I think to myself: ‘Ah, so Hamster-Dimple’s got a new book out.’
Haddaway
The What Is Love hitmaker was known round our way as Haddaway And Shite (Man), usually in a very bad Jimmy Nail accent.
Not quite the same thing
But we have a 'lean, mean, grillin' machine' in our house that is invariably referred to as the 'George Formby'.
Father and son window-replacement service...
... Julio and Enrique Double-Glasias.
This household have also been long-term fans of Baldly-Drawn Boy (would explain the hat thing) and Mary J Bilge (bilge by name, bilge by etc etc).
Mary J Bilge
I do that one too! Let us not forget Beyoncé's former band, Density's Child, either.
A few more
Jamie Cullum is always 'Jazz Hobbit Jamie Cullum'
Justin Timberlake = Dustbin Trousersnake
Cheryl Cole must always be referred to in full as 'Luvely Loo Lady Lampin' Cheryl Cole'
Davina McCall (I think appropriated from a previous post here) is Davina FcAll
Cheryl Cole
I always refer to her by her full title: Noted Celebrity Raci[SNIP! Libel Ed.]
Davina
- t'was me! MWHID!
Billy Ocean Colour Scene
One of Mark Radcliffe's I think. I used it recently; hilarity ensued.
Good old Radcliffe!
Heard Dave Pearce is starting a show on Radio 2 soon or something like that, and immediately thought of Gaptoothed Gypsy Dave.
After watching Glee on Monday
I'm now always going to refer to Ke$ha as, "Key Dollar Sign Ha"
The Original Pop Star Breaking Wind
Is 'Michael Bubble' in Waring Towers.
The Glastonbury 2011 Final Night Headliner is known as 'Bouncy' therein as well.
Rizla Teeth
.. the newsreader. You'll know who I mean if you live in London. There's also her mate, Alice Band -a-kravi.
I'm with you
It's Alice Band Of Gypsies in our house
Round these parts
We have our variation of Cliff as Winker Pilchard or Cliffy Bastard (a la Rik in The Young Ones)
Tv "Star"and former Eastender is always Nick Fuc*in' Berry thanks to Paul Calf/Steve Coogan
Billy Ocean is Sir William of Ocean (Smash Hits c 1986 I think)
Duran Duran are Dooran Dooran in style of commercial radio dj and in the same context the HJH are always The Beedles
Robert Palmer is forever Batley Bob
My dad used to refer to Queen as The Bouncing Bulsara Boys
and any mention of Kirsty MacColl is always followed with the phrase 'God rest her soul'
Thanks to Cassette Boy [ ***RUDENESS WARNING*** ]
I get a kneejerk mental phrasing of "Hi I'm Dooran Dooran. Joo are a todal whore". I'd be amazed if anyone else knows what I'm on about.
Similar thing for a friend of mine: If you mention Sandy Toksvig to him he verbally responds with "Right up to the elbow!" I think it's from Brass Eye or something and I do not understand what it means at all.
...
He did this once during an important meeting.
I didn't make it up...
...but they're always Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young, Gifted and Black to me.
Les Garcons de la Plage.
same source.
And then of course...
..There's always Ron Splodgesmith
Charles
Aznovoice (courtesy of Benny Hill)
Worreva appened to
Rodagh Clodgers?
A woman...
... at work is referred to as Kelly Smunt - but I've no idea why.
I know it's wrong
but typing the name Mary Hinge is making me lol!
Very similar
I used to work with a perfectly lovely woman called Mary Higgins.
While referring to her with other colleagues I unintentionally spoonerised her name into Hairy Miggins.
This has since become a euphemism amongst some of us for Those Parts Of A Lady One Only Sees On Honeymoon.
Phil Coulter
Prolific piano tinkling composer of Eurovision hits and rugby anthems from Norn Iron forever enshrined as "Cool Filter" down our way.
Hootie
and the Blowjobs, as my brother's mother in law once called them.
Bloatie And The Hootfish in this house.
Benny Hill
I remember Benny Hill doing a gag about the social embarrassment of introducing his elderly spoonerism-prone mother to the Queen after a Royal Variety show. " So who's your favourite comedian other than your son?" asked Her Madge. " Timmy Jarbuck" replied Benny Hill's mum.
( Hill added "Thank God it wasn't Marty Feldman..." )
Peter Schmeichel
Followed in a Jackie Mason/Mel Brooks style, "Michael, Schmeichel, you're breaking your mother's heart"
Patsy K
Thanks to a Viz magazine a long long time ago, every time I hear / see the name Patsy Kensit I mentally add the phrase "Tits like fried eggs".
Every single time.