...beyond sorry, man, and thanks for a lovely post. All the best.

And your post is no indulgence.

God bless him and I'm sorry for your trouble.
A brilliant, poignant post, thank you.

I lost my Dad in 97 and have missed him every day. My sympathies BT and hope you and yours come through this. What I've learned is you don't get over it but you eventually start to get used to it. Actually maybe I'm not so used to is as I'm welling a bit as I type. You'll remember the good bits though. The mind's like that. Hold them close.

you did get to know each other and have those days together

Take care.

As Twangothan says up there, you don't stop missing somebody, you just get more used to it.

Count the blessings. You got closer to him, and you shared moments. In time to come, that'll mean a lot.

That was a beautiful post! Another thing your Dad will be proud of! Good luck to you and yours!

What a blessing to get that final chance to really see each other as human beings outside the restrictions of the parent/child relationship.
So sorry about your loss, take care.

You connected. Beautiful.

How wonderful that you found your bond eventually.

My dad died five years ago this week. I still miss him hugely, but the old cliches about time are true. It never goes away but it does get easier.

All the best to you. xx

thank you for sharing. Best wishes to you and your family.

Sat here in the office, alone at the moment, and you've set me thinking...

Time is a great healer but never let the happy memories go. My dad died in 1989 at the age of 58 and spent most of his time out and about either at work or gardening (his real passion). Sometimes, especially in the summer, we'd barely see him for weeks and he wasn't one of lifes great talkers or intellectuals...probably thought an arpeggio was a type of pizza.....but do I still miss him? You bet.

Threads like this are the perfect antidote to some of the angsty stuff there's been lately. I know there's always going to be a mix of feelings and views on all subjects, but life's too short really.

Take care BT

To you and all those affected.

Like El Toro Calvo Grande, my Dad passed when he was still young, 56. Similarly, he was a quiet hard-working soul too.

Like every other Dad that was loved, he was the best.

but nice that you could discover a shared love of some music, that song will mean the world to you now I'm sure.

My dad is my hero and, touch wood, he's in rude health. However, the day I lose him is one I fear almost as much as my own passing. Your beautiful post made me contemplate it and if I can articulate my feelings as well as you've done here, that will be a good start for the healing.
Sincere thanks and so sorry for your loss BT.

A man losing his father is one of life's most difficult to bear. I hope the musical connection helps. All best.

I'm off to my friend's dad's funeral in about an hour, and unfortunately they never had time to rectify recent years' drift away from each other.

Sorry to hear the news.

stay well

Dad slipped off peacefully on the longest day of the year, dozing in his bed with a view across to Dartmoor, which was resplendent in the sunshine.

He'd been on a sharp decline from February, when he'd still been driving himself and my Mum around Plymouth in their little car, until the last three or four weeks, when he'd visibly shrunk. Although he had been confined to bed by the end, it had only been for the final week or so, and happily he'd miraculously retained all of his marbles, and a wicked sense of humour, to the last.

I was always very close to my Dad, so I haven't had the hill to climb that your relationship endured, but all the same I know your pain, and send you my best regards.

I don't know how long it will take for it all to sink in. All I know is that I was a very lucky boy.

sympathies BT. It can be a terribly desolate and lonely time, a death of a parent is like no other, though in time you will get past the sorrow. My father died before I had properly grown up & matured and I miss that adult connection we would have enjoyed, am pleased for you that you re-established an understanding. It will mean a lot.
Keep well.

I happened to be working with someone about the same age as me whose mother had died when he was 13. He told me that there would come a day when I realised that I hadn't thought about her death the day before. He was right. I can't remember how long it took, several months probably but not having it on your mind won't mean you have stopped caring.

My sympathies to you and yours

Thank you for sharing.

I hope this period of time for reflection ultimately brings you comfort and to an acceptance of your loss based on what you are thankful for rather than anything you may regret.

Really sorry to hear about your Dad, BT. My Dad died in 2004 and, no matter what age you are when it happens, it makes you take stock of your life.

and I offer you both a virtual hug from me and my Massive family. Having a favourite piece of music is something that will connect you to them throughout the coming years and remember the good times you had. Must ring my mother today just to talk.

to you and Vulpes Vulpes.

My Dad's been recovering from a brain op in hospital, and I'm getting intimations of his mortality more and more often.

I'm not close to my family at all - we all have a very dysfunctional relationship - but I'm still in occasional contact with my Dad and brother. My Dad is very much not my hero, and I'm still, after a long time, struggling to rise above a whole shitload of bad feelings towards him.

I'm hoping I can emulate you in finding some form of reconciliation and understanding, but it ain't looking good at the moment. Still, you made me feel I should keep trying and, for that, many thanks.

and to you Vulpes - you were kind enough to send me a note the other day when I posted about my Dad without mentioning your own loss. It's a bugger no doubt about it when the person you most look up to and appears invincible suddenly is not that person anymore. Fortunately my Dads operation appears to be a success and when I phoned my wife to tell her I was in floods of tears and that was the good news. When the day finally comes God knows what I will be like. They are immensely special and I am so pleased to hear BT that you managed to get back that connection. I am sure it will give you heart in the comming days.
Here's to Dads everywhere.

...to Black Type, Vulpes Vulpes, and all who've shared here. When you lose a parent (my mother died in 1992), it's as if a line is forever drawn separating before and after in your life. It's heartening to read many of our own stories here, and to know you're a fundamentally decent bunch.

Just read your post. Very sorry for your loss too. For what it's worth, it sounds like he passed on in a way we'd all like. Hold on to the memories; and remember, he lives on in you.

It just goes to show that if we can, we should cherish them while they're still around.

and my sincere condolences & best wishes go out to Black Type and Vulpes Vulpes.

As a three person unit, my parents and I were close, but they came from a generation that rarely expressed emotion and it was only when When my mum died that I felt a window had opened on dad, little knowing it would close permanently three weeks later. In those weeks I learned far more about him than in the previous 38 years. Unfortunately, there was still much to tell and much lost.

Our connections are so much part of who we are I would always implore anyone to make the most of their time to ensure they don't fade. Not for some dewy eyed nostalgia-fest, but to realise that so much can be learned and applied to our own lives. Which I guess includes friendships too.

I can now appreciate Sinatra and in particular 'Summer Wind', which was a favourite of theirs (more mum's), as one of those songs destined to be as much part of my youth as Dark Side of the Moon or Trick of the Tail.

Thoughts across the ether ...

To Black Type and Vulpes Vulpes.

I think we annoy each other a fair bit. He does annoy me and I usually feel exasperated after we have spent time together. He (in fact both my parents) are also not very good at instigating visits to us to see their grandchildren which I find annoying and my wife more so.

But reading the posts above, I will take the kids round tomorrow and try to sort out some kind of regular time to spend with my dad. I'd be a fool not to try harder (and I don't try hard enough).

Thanks to all of those who have posted above that have helped shape my view.

I wish there was something, anything I could write to make sense of losing a loved one but there isn't. Although it never gets easier, with time one learns to accept loss and live with it.
Thinking of you, stay strong. The Squeezers XX.

Sorry to hear of your loss..My Dad passed away 5 years ago after 7 years of dementia..he was a shell at the end..but Mr Twang is right..in the end you remember the good bits and carry them with you..there are truly a lot of good mates on this site and even though the majority of us never meet, they are great sources of comfort and joy ..thanks for a beautiful post...love etc
Bang Em In Bingham

and his two daughters are gonna make sure he has a great one.

Condolences to all who have experienced the loss of a parent. I hope that doesn't happen to me for a very long time...

I picked up some fish n chips on the way round, he heated up some peas, made the tea & bread & butter. Mint choc ice cream for afters too.

Over 2 years now since Mum died, and ater 52 years with her I can only imagine the struggle he's had to keep a full and active life on his own. But he's done it. He always gives me a full run down of what he's done this week - bowls, snooker, swimming, luncheon club, supper club, an old lads' trip to Salford Quays (a genteel station pub crawl across the Pennines, as far as I can make out).

He's off to York Races tomorrow with one set of grandkids, and meeting the other set tomorrow evening. They dote on him, and he on them of course.

I'm away in Vietnam for a month now, and will only see him briefly before going away for another month. Reading this thread made me appreciate how much I'll miss him.

the love you give is equal to the love you make'. Wonderful that you regained what was thought to be lost. My parents were wonderful, but were from a generation which did not show their love very much. I leave no room for doubt with my kids. I tell them how much I love them every single day.

Sorry to read about your losses. I still have both parents and know how lucky I am, and how devastated I would be to lose them. Posts like these show me why I still love coming on here. After the spats and arguments of the last few weeks, this post, and its response, shows there are still an awful lot of very nice people here.

so much for your wonderful and tender thoughts; I'm overwhelmed by your kindnesses, and truly grateful.

I would also like to extend my deepest sympathies and best wishes to Vulpes and his family for their great loss.