I'd never even heard of half the things they asked.

Can I have an outboard cabin? (for the sea view)

It's certainly not common knowledge.

Where we going? Can you drop me off somewhere warm?

I failed too. I'll settle for a hammock. Are we going somewhere sunny?

do we get first class travel on our way to the sun!

That's the worst pub quiz ever. Where were the rock and pop questions?

12 out of 24

Wonder how many Cameron would have got - always come across as a bit of a thicko so would be good to see.

Sod that. Why can't it be 40 like at Uni? I thought this country tolerated coasting and mediocrity. I'm off!

I passed. Now get out of my country.

I was hoping it'd be more along the lines of:

Q1: What food is traditionally served with chips?

But to be fair, I didn't revise or nuffink

Shall I pack my trunks?

barely 50%. So feel free to disregard any of my thoughts on the UK.

17 for me.
14 for Mrs U.

Can we have a twin cabin please?

Christ, there's a knock on the door. I'm hiding under the table, hope to be back soon.

and get 13 points. Bagsy a spot next to the porthole.

Thank goodness I passed my US citizenship test in January.

18.
And I'm Irish, living in Ireland.
I'll stay here, thanks, so someone who got heaved out can take my place.
Tiernan

Looking forward to receiving your postcards from foreign climes

Is the statement below TRUE or FALSE: you can attend a hospital without a GP's letter only in the case of an emergency

The answer they give is TRUE. However I find that I can attend a hospital if I have an appointment, so the answer has to be FALSE.

How many parliamentary constituencies are there?

464, 564, 646, or 664? The official parliamentary website says there 650!

http://www.parliament.uk/about/how/elections-and-voting/constituencies/

And about 5 of them were guesses. Maybe it's time to go back to Scotland.

That's unpossible

I am so not English. And a bit thick.

I'm technically half Scottish though, so, er, I blame that.

I got 18, though a lot of mine were more or less random guesses, and a couple were educated guesses. The thought I'm left with is: what a ridiculous test.

Looks like there's enough of us illegals to form our own breakaway country: Wordistan

but I´m Irish and I don't live in the UK. Will I be allowed visit ?

I'll get my boat

I'll get my coat as well!

but I've been away for a while

It's a plot I tell ya! They want to stop everyone coming in and deport all Word readers!

the wife got 12. Can we go to California please?

On a serious note, I've no problem with requiring immigrants who want British citizenship to pass the test, provided that every current British citizen is required to pass it, say as a requirement to be able to vote.

If I'd been given the opportunity to revise I'm confident that I would've done waaay better :-D

but they got wiped off with the grease from my authentic Briddish Fish and Chips.

I think that makes me third in line to the throne.

I seem to be in good company.

Do I have time to pack or are they on their way now?

yahoo!!!! cruise time!

(crikey, 13 ou of 24. not impressive.)

Polish, Urdu, Mandarin or simplified English version of the test paper? What am I supposed to do - learn English or sumfink?

And all but two of those were guesses.

Just over 50% is surely enough to allow me to stay in the country?

Does this mean I don't have to go down the pub now to support my national football team who I have convinced myself can beat the world champions?

I'm not leaving though....not until I can get the podcast overseas.

To the woods....or maybe the hills.

...clearly academic qualifications count for nought and be very afraid, I teach overseas students!

Somewhere hot and sunny please!

Still can't work out why there's a question about Trick or Treat - a Stateside tradition, surely?

we got 19 Wife staying in the country for the summer and I get the winter.

after question 7. There didn't seem much point in prolonging the agony.

Maybe it's lucky I have Swedish citizenship as well.

Does that mean I'm also off to Sweden? Who's got my coat?

and I guessed most of those.

Nothing about pop music or sport. Without those two things, Britain would be rubbish. All right, perhaps just the pop music.

As a UK citizen I have at some point acted in the way described in the last three answers i.e. given money, sweets or ignored the little shits but never called the police.

Does this make me a bad citizen?

If so, how?

Just glad I got in when I did. Now, about that Italian passport...

My favourite was the one that went:

"How might you stop young people playing tricks on you at Halloween?"

To which the correct answer is of course, tell them to "FUCK OFF and stop imitating the colonials".

A borderline fail, so show me to the border.

It looks as if Richard Thompson's UK record sales are going to slump, doesn't it?

Its not far to Scotland fortunately

But I *can* name six current or former members of Uriah Heep, including two of the bass players.

Will the last one turn off the lights etc

*packs worldly goods into a red and white spotty hanky and ties it to stick^

c'mon,easy peasy. But wait ! technically i'm an immigrant,i was 4 years old when we came to the UK,My old man wouldn't have passed a test like that.

A mere 13. Gulp!

I'll get my cat.

You'll miss me, you hear....

Im pleased, i never did that well at school and lets face it the nights are creeping in. Can somebody drop me off in the Bahamas please apparently i have a very distant relative, will keep you posted if she has any spare room.

Bugger. Well, it looks like I'll be leaving the UK as well which included Scotland last time I checked but who knows? Given my woeful performance I shouldn't take anything for granted.

I'm a bit nonplussed about being kicked out because I didn't know the results of the Census are secret for 100 years (apart from the stuff splattered all over the media as soon as it's published), that schools have to open for 190 days a year (rather than 200 as i guessed), and that I thought kids aged 13-16 could only work 10 hours a school week (when they can actually be brutally exploited for 12). I'm not fit to be UKanian.

I'm out and travelling in steerage, unless they follow with a supplementary quiz relating to the lyrics of David Bowie from 1970 through to 1984.

Surely a long time resident or native getting a low score says more about how rubbish the test is than anything else. I couldn't be bothered to answer all the questions because I found myself guessing and then realising that if I don't know the answer then you don't need to know the answer. I guess it needs to be treated like any other exam though. If you want a good score then you need to revise and once you walk out of the room you may never need the info again... but you might just remember something from the swotting! lets hope that if they learn anything, it's the speed limit on a single carriageway (which does matter because it's not actually displayed anywhere and not the official title of the governing body of the EU which surely only matters to somebody that works there.

Seriously though, I think these dice are loaded.

I won't be giving up my Norwegian passport any time soon.

Can I still visit the UK a couple of times a year?

Not many passes on these boards, looks like the country is going to be very empty.

...and as part of her preparation for taking this very test (she passed), last Christmas we had a grand family citizenship quiz based on the UK and Oz tests. Well, we have to make our own entertainment here in Cornwall.

Four people took it, two UK and 2 Oz - I was the Magnus Magnusson. (For our alien friends, he was a popular quizmaster on a TV show called Mastermind.) With no preparation, all four got full marks in the Oz test, all four failed the UK test miserably.

We decided that the UK test was framed by civil servants who had absolutely no interest in welcoming anybody foreign to this fine country of ours. David Cameron has announced today that they're going to incorporate history questions in the test for the first time. This is so Brits can fail it even more miserably.

Only lived here for 61 years since birth with a degree and a professional job - shit, I'm in trouble. Joking aside, my company lost a damn good IT bloke lately because of the new immigration rules - this really all stinks IMHO...

15. Crikey. Not so good. My excuse is I didn't read the questions properly. That didn't work for my O levels so doubt it would work now.

A fail of course but not bad considering I come from one of your more far-flung colonies and have spent a total of about a month in the UK ever.
All it proves is I'm a pretty good guesser but not a great one. I knew exactly three answers, the trick or treat one, Hansard and thanks to Yes Minister I know what a quango is. Although why you'd spell it with a U is beyond me.

I'm part French so I guess I'll soon be all French. I'm hoping that the French citizenship questionnaire consists of lots of questions to which the answers are "England" or The English". Any ideas?

and, apart from the odd smart-ass, we all failed (I got 14 and quite a few of those were guesses). Good one Dave, did you choose the questions yourself?

C'MON YOU F*CKING TORIES! KICK ME OUT! I DARE YOU!

Sorry folks, I came over all funny there.

I've always wondered, when I get back to Blighty from some far distant land, and I saunter towards passport control, what happens if they say no. I live here, I always have. Does this ever happen to born and bred UK citizens?

and - similar to many here - a lot were guesses. Bizarro questions, anyway!

Being Scottish (as I am) seems to be emerging as a standard excuse/explanation, though, so that offers me some succour.

But screw you, government, I already live outside the UK so what are you going to do now? In YOUR face, Cameron.

Send a postcard folks - and don't forget to turn the lights off

My, it's going to be quiet around here soon

I remember when all these fields were houses....

12. It appears you have to prepare buy reading a book available from HM Stationary Office for £9.99. So one assumed with a little revision it must be pretty easy since it's all multiple choice and fact based. Then, as note above, you can forget it all and get on with life. Strikes me a test in being able to speak English would be much more useful.

Just passed.

One of the few that I was sure was correct: there are 650 members of the HoC according to this test appears to be incorrect.

But then, I'm a terrorist plotting the overthrow of British civilisation. So I don't care.

A couple of years ago my now wife was taking this test (she's from South Africa) and I read the book that you learn from. Most of it was news to me, I have to say!

She got 23/24.

of the UK leaving the European Union, resulting in me having to apply for a visa to stay in Bavaria.

There'll be some sort of Bayerische Prüfung, where the invigilator will lay out ten different types of bread roll and I'll have to name them all.

"Erm … Vollkornmohnnußsemmel?"

...I've spent a lot of time on Planet UK Border Agency (mantra: 'firm but fair')in the last two or three years, in the labyrinthine (and expensive) process of trying to make sure the Australian woman I had the bad taste to fall in love isn't kicked out of the country. (Don't even get me started on the fact that if she'd been Hungarian she could just have strolled right in. Sorry. Daily Mail moment.)

A citizenship test that is consistently failed by UK citizens who have lived here all their lives is clearly not fit for purpose - I've always assumed they got the idea from one of those more-Brit-than-the-Brits sketches on Goodness Gracious Me. (It's typical of the random whimsicality of the whole experience that it costs £50 to take the test and you can ONLY pay in cash. Forget to go to the cashpoint and you're screwed.)But that's only a small part of it. There's endless and complicated form-filling, hunting down of supporting documentation, getting stuff validated, etc etc, all based on the assumption that you're planning to pull the wool over their eyes. It's all unbelievably stressful, especially once you realise that if you make a mistake, however trivial, the application will be refused and your ££ won't be refunded (oh, and your wife packed off to the other side of the world). There's also the novel experience, if you're a solvent and law-abiding Brit, of being treated as though you're a criminal planning to import asylum seekers by the truckload.

Anyway, I could rant for hours about all this, and frequently have, so I'll shut up. Now that Jen has her Indefinite Leave to Remain it all seems like a bad dream. In my case the Fun Prevention Officers work for the UKBA.

15 out of 24 - oh, i'm going to barbados!

that, of the posters on here, to this point I think eight (8) have passed. I failed too, having scored a mere 14. As others have said, this tells us more about the test than anything else, as I'd say from previous experience in these precincts, that the composition of this board is not a random sample of the UK's population. I'd go as far as to say that, if articulacy were an indicator, we were working a bit higher up the bell curve than 50th percentile. If we're not getting these questions right, what would the general score among the indigenous population be? I don't think they'd manage 75%, for a start. I think our average is bumping around the 60-65% mark. Maybe that might be a better pass score to start with.

And the questions are useless. you don't need to know exactly how many seats there are in the Commons. You might need to know who your own MP is, what party he or she belongs to, which is the party in government and there are a bit over 600 MPs in Parliament. That's it really, isn't it?

As for the "How many people up to 19 years old" question. Does it make the slightest bit of difference if you answer 13 or 14 million, as long as you know it's roughly around 1 in 5?

Basically, it's finnicky and it's bollocks and doesn't do what it's designed to do properly

But then, that's not what having it is about, is it?

the majority are in, here's the plan.

A boat this big is too expensive to build so..

All those that passed will go to live on the Isle of Wight. Those that failed will stay on the mainland and get towed to the Arctic where most of what was Great Britain will help plug the hole in the melting icecaps. Pack a cardigan.

with 18/24

although that included a couple of lucky guesses.

The questions on the first census and when did women get right to divorce questions are about as relevant to modern life as :

"what was the highest position "I am a cider drinker" by The Wurzels reached in the official BBC charts ?".

If this deportation boat is going somewhere nice can I retake the test and fail it this time ?

Plainly if you know about 19th century British foreign policy then you're stuffed but if you know about 19th century British social history then you're okay. If you have studied contemporary UK demographics then that's fine but if you have interesting opinions about the West Lothian Question then you're surplus to requirements. Echoing illuminatus a couple of comments back, it's bollocks.

So what should it be about? Concepts around community, democracy, fairness, liberty, self-reliance and tolerance - cherry-pick your own desired value - might be more useful than knowing when the first Census happened...

Which way to steerage?

12 here also... but then I was (voluntarily) deported 18 years ago and only come back once a year or so.....

but if I took it again right now, it would be a different score.

Where are we all being deported to?

for me and the FPO. She's happier given she's not British.

reading our fine, decent Britisher magazines with their foreigner eyes. Clicking their foreigner keyboards with their podgie little pasty coloured (or long, thin unBritisher brown) fingers. Smelling of their garlicky and unpotato accommpanied and unboiled or unfried food.

It makes my blood boil, it really does. I'm off to make an unsolicited donation to Mr Nick Grffin.

He's un upright Britisher son of Albion who can be trusted to spend it wisely I';m sure.

My mum was Irish, when my last UK passport expired I was so fed up with the way Tony Blair etc had behaved about Iraq that the best way I could protest was to change my nationality to Irish. If I could have a joint Welsh / Irish passport I would.

Interesting that this test seems to have done a far better job of creating a spirit of "we're all in it together" than all "Dave's" other efforts - even if we're all in a boat sailing away from these shores...

and my hat, shoes, socks and anything else I can lug aboard the good ship deportee.

16 out of 24.

The FPO works at the Borders Agency so I should get some nice personal treatment as I'm waved bye bye.

Someone has posted a REAL citizenship test, rather than all that nonsense about constitutions, etc.

http://realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php?n=1

So I only got 9. Or rather, I know they are TV presenters but don't know which is which. But I left the UK in 1982 so I suppose I'm excused. Got 12/24 in the original, bollocksy one.

...took three attempts though!

16/25 I'm packing my bags!

You've got to find me first, maybe I try to live with Dale Farm chappies in civilsed manner and get public sympathy and own tv show.

pissed it. Swotty cow.She kept asking me random questions when studying, all of which I failed abysmally, to much Oriental cackling.