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I Have Never..

Tom's picture

I'm a music lover and yet I've never owned a vinyl record, nor do I have any interest in doing so.

I've bought only a handful of singles.

0

I have never eaten dove...

but I'm open to persuasion.

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Patrick Crowther | 23 January 2011 - 11:53pm

It has

a very soapy taste.

3
Brookster | 24 January 2011 - 10:22am

Isn't that...

...Joan Armatrading ?

0
ainsley009 | 24 January 2011 - 1:43pm

Oh...

yes.

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Patrick Crowther | 24 January 2011 - 4:59pm

What? You've eaten Joan Armatrading?

You could write a memoir based around that.

0
Steve Turner | 24 January 2011 - 6:57pm

I think Valerie Singleton...

already has that covered.

0
Patrick Crowther | 24 January 2011 - 7:39pm

Was going to make a gag about how

both this activity and chewing soap leave you with pubes stuck in your teeth but decided not to as it's in bad taste...

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STD | 24 January 2011 - 7:58pm

Yes,

I'd definitely leave that one out...

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Black Type | 26 January 2011 - 1:38am

Depending on your age

is that unusual? CDs were dominant by the early 90s, so there must be millions like you.

Or am I missing something?

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Johan | 24 January 2011 - 12:01am

I have never

seen the Sound of Music for more than 5 minutes or heard a Bruce Sprinsteen track for more than 30 seconds (knowingly).

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Axekeith | 24 January 2011 - 12:11am

Ditto on "The Sound of

Ditto on "The Sound of Music." I've also never seen "Mary Poppins," "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," any of the "Star Wars" films or a complete episode of "Star Trek."

In the case of the former few, I've deliberately avoided them. There's just something about Julie Andrews which makes me want to punch kittens.

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Wardour | 24 January 2011 - 12:26am

This calls for a slight reworking...

"Raindrops on roses and punches on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things"

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Black Type | 24 January 2011 - 12:44am

That's because

you're the same age as me. I've got lots of music, most of it on CD, but probably have only ever bought a dozen singles and I've never owned a record.

However, I do have an interest in doing so. I've promised myself that when I buy my first house (which is likely to be some time in the next century), I'll treat myself with some proper speakers and a turntable. Then, the first album I'll buy is Syd Barrett's The Madcap Laughs. I've never heard that album and nor do I intend to until I actually own a vinyl copy.

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Joe R | 24 January 2011 - 9:46am

I used to have a wall of vinyl

but I sold it all and bought most of it back on CD. I actually prefer CD. Yes, vinyl had nice big covers but, lest we forget, it also crackled and jumped like a bastard. And you had to flip 'em over. And CDs are smaller.

I mean, I could go on.

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eddie g | 24 January 2011 - 9:55am

I have never

regretted losing the wall of vinyl. CDs have gone the same way now.

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Helena Handcart | 24 January 2011 - 10:00am

Speaking as

someone who has worked in music retail for years, it's interesting to note how the CD backlash has grown and attitudes towards records (or "vinyls" as some people annoyingly insist on calling them these days) have changed.

For decades the biggest curse of the record buyer/seller was the dreaded snap, crackle and pop. People would bring LPs back and vociferously complain at the merest hint of surface noise.

Then, in the 90s we find producers regularly adding fake record crackle to CD tracks.

Jump ahead to the present decade and newly converted vinyl buyers have become almost evangelical in their praise for records. Not only do they not care about a certain amount of crackle ("it adds a touch of authenticity, mate") but they will tell you that their records sound better than CDs.

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mojoworking | 24 January 2011 - 10:18am

Music Retail

I worked for Virgin Retail for several years many moons ago. One of the funniest things I saw was somebody trying to return a copy of the Jesus And Mary Chain debut because it was a bad pressing - "it's all distorted and noisy"

He couldn't understand why I thought that was hilarious. And he got even more upset when he asked to speak to my manager, who also thought it was hilarious.

Record shop staff were nothing if not full of the joys of good customer service.

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SimonL | 24 January 2011 - 11:44am

Hey Jude

Apparently a similar thing happened with the Hey Jude single.
On the Monday after release record shops were inundated with people complaining about the distortion on the B-side, 'Revolution'.
Can anyone verify this happening?

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ranger | 24 January 2011 - 11:50am

Steeleye Span - Rave On

Bet that caused a few returns. It has the sound of a stylus sticking and jumping built into the recording.

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Beany | 24 January 2011 - 12:00pm

My Mum

took back a copy of Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite because of all the crackling and hissing at the beginning.

Oh, did I not mention that this was on CD?

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Joe R | 24 January 2011 - 12:02pm

We had a woman

who brought back a Madonna CD single because one of the tracks started with fake record crackle.

"It's scratched!" she announced.

It wasn't your mum, was it Joe?

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mojoworking | 24 January 2011 - 1:28pm

The flipside to this tale

On my copy of Generation Terrorists, the closing track "Condemned to Rock n Roll" crackles, hisses and pops from halfway in. I thought this was some sort of artistic 'statement' but on listening to a friend's copy several years later, realised that my CD was just fucked.

0
Spartacus Mills | 24 January 2011 - 2:15pm

To my shame

When I bought the original vinyl release of Costello's "Get Happy", I tried to refuse the copy the assistant picked off the shelf for me because "the cover's all scuffed".

1
Paul Waring | 24 January 2011 - 2:18pm

Oh GOD.

Anyone naming an album "Urban Hang Suite" really does deserve to be roundly beaten with a bike chain, don't they?

0
Bob | 24 January 2011 - 2:21pm

It's actually

really good as are all his records

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Pat Carty | 24 January 2011 - 2:29pm

I'll never know as I Have Never...

...bought an album where the title, artist name or artwork actively pisses me off.

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Bob | 24 January 2011 - 2:35pm

A very fair point

and well made

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Pat Carty | 24 January 2011 - 2:40pm

:-D

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Bob | 24 January 2011 - 2:47pm

Urban Hang Suite

I've not heard of this record, or the artist, but I'll guess that he's the sort of guy who gets an acoustic guitar out at parties.

Am I right?

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Spartacus Mills | 24 January 2011 - 2:48pm

Wouldn't think so

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Pat Carty | 24 January 2011 - 4:03pm

Flipping Over

The way album tracks used to be sequenced is about the only thing (barring big cover art) that I miss from vinyl albums. A good vinyl album was sequenced with an impactful (is that a word?) side 1-track 1 to drag you in and a side1-final track that made you want to hear the other side. A good few not-quite-great vinyl albums had all or most of the best tracks on side 1, which was handy because you never needed to hear the sub-par side 2 material if you didn't want to.
Very many CDs are far too long. Just because you Can get nearly 81 minutes of music on a CD, it doesn't mean you've Got To.
Even with those rare albums whereon every single track is a gem, it's sometimes nice to have a pause half way through, which the act of flipping over provides without any distracting conscious effort from the listener.

Of course the frequency response of 12" vinyl dance singles is an entirely different kettle of bananas. Get hold of a 12" of Tom Browne's "Funkin' For Jamaica" and play it loud. You'll feel what I mean, especially if your living room has a wooden floor.

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Mike_H | 24 January 2011 - 12:46pm

On Tom Petty's "Full Moon Fever" CD

(I think it was this one) there's a wonderful interlude where, at the point where the vinyl version would be at the end of side 1, The Great Man suggests we just pause for a minute while those listening on vinyl would be getting up, changing over, dropping the needle, sitting back down and... off we go with the rest of the CD. It makes me grin every time!

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Mark JF | 24 January 2011 - 2:09pm

Smash Hits

I never bought, or have read, a single issue of Smash Hits.

Sorry markanddave.

1
Paul Waring | 24 January 2011 - 10:01am

Ditto

What he said.

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Mike_H | 24 January 2011 - 12:47pm

me neither

look at the covers to see why.

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Twangothan | 24 January 2011 - 7:51pm

I have never

...watched a James Bond film.

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cradlerock | 24 January 2011 - 10:15am

I've never

seen The Godfather.

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Prestonia | 24 January 2011 - 10:19am

I've seen only two

Bond films. Both at the cinema on first release:

Goldfinger - just for the Aston Martin DB5

Live And Let Die - purely in order to hear the epic Macca song through a giant sound system (hey, it was 1973, we made our own entertainment back then).

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mojoworking | 24 January 2011 - 10:24am

I was persuaded to go and

I was persuaded to go and see "The Living Daylights" at the cinema during the school holidays when it first came out.

I have actively avoided watching any James Bond film ever since. (Cf. the famous-in-our-family story where my father cut the plug off our telly one Christmas day to prevent a visiting uncle from forcing us to watch "Dr. No.")

1
Wardour | 24 January 2011 - 4:58pm

I have never

watched a TV soap. Lot's of vinyl though.

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pedr0 | 24 January 2011 - 10:19am

I have never

watched The Sopranos, The Wire or The West Wing.

I know I'm probably missing out but there's so much of them it all seems like such a commitment!

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doubleyoubee | 24 January 2011 - 10:35am

Me neither

For better or worse, I'm in the same boat WB

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Curtis from Ohio | 24 January 2011 - 7:38pm

I have never been to me

Or Spain. I have never owned a gramaphone player or an 8-track cartridge player but somewhere in all my junk, er collectibles, I have a 78rpm disc and an Elton John cartridge. Why? Because I can.

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Beany | 24 January 2011 - 11:25am

I have never

read a novel by Stephen King

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murrance | 24 January 2011 - 12:40pm

I have never

broken a bone. Though I did dream I'd broken my wrist. What can it mean?

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Five-Centres | 24 January 2011 - 12:48pm

I have never

"got" R.E.M. A few tracks are O.K.-to-good but there's not enough there to make me commit.
Likewise The Clash. Some good stuff but mostly they just whizz past me...

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Mike_H | 24 January 2011 - 12:53pm

I've never had a nose-bleed

They always look quite painful to me, but I'm told they're not.

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Uncle Monty | 24 January 2011 - 12:53pm

The only painful bit

is trying to stop it bleeding by pinching the bridge of the nose, particulary if your nose is bleeding because someone has punched and broken it.

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murrance | 24 January 2011 - 1:17pm

not painful

but bloody (sort of pun intended)irritating especially when driving one handed down the M6 with blood pouring from my nose.

It got so bad I had to have the missus take me to hospital. The first two questions were

- are you an habitual cocaine user? No!
- have you recently take viagra? No!

So there's two more things I've never done.

I'll tell you what does hurt. Having a nosebleed cauterized.

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cradlerock | 24 January 2011 - 5:12pm

Cauterization

Oh yes. Having your nostrils pulled apart actually hurt more than the cauterization itself. It does seem to have worked though.

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Malc | 24 January 2011 - 6:45pm

Not painful, just inconvenient

I used to get them all the time as a bairn. Numerous inspections by varied doctors, consultants and specialists amounted to a diagnosis of "You've got a weak blood vessel at the top of your nose. You'll probably grow out of it". Luckily I did, but not until my mid-teens.

As I understand it, bleeding itself isn't painful, it just usually happens when you have done something painful to yourself (cutting, grazing, breaking etc.), so people assume escaping blood = pain.

0
Cadabra | 24 January 2011 - 10:26pm

I have never heard

half the new bands I slag off.

But I usually hate the half I have.

1
eddie g | 24 January 2011 - 12:53pm

Oh yeah

Old bands too. I love to slag off Rush and Yes without ever having listened to them. Why would I listen to them? They're rubbish.

5
Captain Underpants | 24 January 2011 - 1:51pm

Tell us do!

Which ones haven't you heard?

I've been known to slag off films I've never seen, such as Forrest Gump (eventually saw it, and was relieved that it really was as egregious as I'd been telling people...). I also count Peter Greenaway as one of my most hated filmmakers, despite only having seen two of his works.

Slagging off bands you haven't heard, though - that's just wrong!

;-)

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Rosbif | 24 January 2011 - 6:39pm

Well in my case

I feel, from experience, that I can write off a band without ever hearing them if I have reason to suspect the presence of five or more of the following:

- Bass solos
- Capes
- Albums named after imaginary lands
- Grown men screeching about elves
- Triple albums
- Triple bloody concept albums
- Songs with parts which have their own names
- Satin tour jackets
- Multi-necked guitars
- Songs which last longer than a Ramones album
- Any member named 'Geddy'

2
Captain Underpants | 24 January 2011 - 10:57pm

Capes...

... triple concept things, grown men screeching about imaginary creatures, chapters with their own names and a bloke called Geddy Behindmesatan ... that King James Bible is pish

/rented garment

1
Glenbervie | 25 January 2011 - 1:29am

Slag off's.....

I’m rather partial to long tunes about elves and goblins but I will irrationally and joyfully slag off -

Bearded American bands wearing bullet-belts who mumble on about some ‘bad outlaw who done me down’ and who call themselves ‘alt country’ simply because they don’t have the melodic gift to be ‘country’. Also

New singer songwriters

New singer songwriters with fucking harps

Anybody who gets ‘CD of the Week’ in the Sunday papers

Mouthy bands in the NME who are 12 and who know nothing and who probably sound like Oasis

All hip-hop

And rap

And horrible, brainless, thumpy-thumpy ‘let’s go fucking crazy man’ dance crap.

Horrible, brainless, thumpy-thumpy ‘let’s go fucking crazy man’ dance crap which gets good reviews in the rock press.

Anybody who is, or has, ever been associated in any way with the anti-Christ they call ‘Sting’.

Sting’s latest.

Oh, and is it too early to say that I hate the new series of ‘Rock Follies’?

( One for the vintage NME readers there….. )

1
eddie g | 25 January 2011 - 10:15am

I have

Never laid my head down without a hand to hold.
Never made my bed out in the cold.
Never lost my temper when I got hit in a bar room fight.
Never lost my woman overnight.

(RIP John Martyn.)

4
Mark JF | 24 January 2011 - 2:15pm

I have never

watched an episode of "Eastenders", or "Crossroads" and I don´t know what "The Archers" are. I have never got to the end of "Trout Mask Replica" or succesfully baked a cake

0
On The Fence | 24 January 2011 - 2:45pm

I've never

owned an 8 track, drank Party 7 or seen the Lorraine Chase Luton Airport advert. That's because I'm not fifty.

0
jimmyshoes01 | 24 January 2011 - 5:23pm

I have never

knowingly eaten beetroot, and never will. It's the work of the devil.

See also any pickles.

0
Black Type | 24 January 2011 - 6:07pm

I will make you beetroot risotto

And you will think differently. Secret ingredient: a good splash of vodka at the end.

1
Uncle Monty | 24 January 2011 - 6:31pm

I have never

Managed more than two minutes of "I'm sorry I haven't a clue", most recently tonight on the way home - in fact it is probably still on!

0
Twangothan | 24 January 2011 - 7:53pm

you missed the joke about

Samantha and her 36 bees then...

0
Glenbervie | 25 January 2011 - 1:33am

I have never

been to me.

1
Crowdedmouse | 24 January 2011 - 9:52pm

I've never, ever

had a coffee.

0
Helena Handcart | 24 January 2011 - 10:39pm

What heinous effect would it have?

...

0
Glenbervie | 25 January 2011 - 1:31am

Bleurgh

...the smell's bad enough.

I was in my 30s before I started drinking tea. Black and very weak.

Can't drink anything I can't see through.

0
Helena Handcart | 25 January 2011 - 1:38am

Never..

seen a hurling match, although I'm Irish and do like sport. Wrong end of the country, okay, but still. Not even on TV.

Still hoping.

0
Declan | 24 January 2011 - 11:58pm

I've never.....

played a fruit machine (wouldn't know where to start and suspect i'm missing nothing).
....been paintballing,...been to a karaoke night,....read any Harry Potter books,.....laughed at a Jo Brand joke.

0
jonnyartist | 25 January 2011 - 12:49am

On a Depeche Mode forum

A young fan once asked whether 1990's Violator had ever been released on vinyl. Made me feel about 100 years old.

0
Austin | 25 January 2011 - 3:55am

As we are being confessional

I have never read Word. It's not sold where I live, and as the local postal service is horrific, subscription is not an option. I was introduced to all of this via the podcast. Am I now to be cast into utter darkness, banished as a freeloading interloper?

Of less moment, I have never seen an episode of The Wire.

0
Prunesquallor | 26 January 2011 - 4:45am
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