Entertainment For Lively Minds
I Have Never..
Posted by Tom on 23 January 2011 - 11:44pm.
I'm a music lover and yet I've never owned a vinyl record, nor do I have any interest in doing so.
I've bought only a handful of singles.
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I have never eaten dove...
but I'm open to persuasion.
It has
a very soapy taste.
Isn't that...
...Joan Armatrading ?
Oh...
yes.
What? You've eaten Joan Armatrading?
You could write a memoir based around that.
I think Valerie Singleton...
already has that covered.
Was going to make a gag about how
both this activity and chewing soap leave you with pubes stuck in your teeth but decided not to as it's in bad taste...
Yes,
I'd definitely leave that one out...
Depending on your age
is that unusual? CDs were dominant by the early 90s, so there must be millions like you.
Or am I missing something?
I have never
seen the Sound of Music for more than 5 minutes or heard a Bruce Sprinsteen track for more than 30 seconds (knowingly).
Ditto on "The Sound of
Ditto on "The Sound of Music." I've also never seen "Mary Poppins," "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," any of the "Star Wars" films or a complete episode of "Star Trek."
In the case of the former few, I've deliberately avoided them. There's just something about Julie Andrews which makes me want to punch kittens.
This calls for a slight reworking...
"Raindrops on roses and punches on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things"
That's because
you're the same age as me. I've got lots of music, most of it on CD, but probably have only ever bought a dozen singles and I've never owned a record.
However, I do have an interest in doing so. I've promised myself that when I buy my first house (which is likely to be some time in the next century), I'll treat myself with some proper speakers and a turntable. Then, the first album I'll buy is Syd Barrett's The Madcap Laughs. I've never heard that album and nor do I intend to until I actually own a vinyl copy.
I used to have a wall of vinyl
but I sold it all and bought most of it back on CD. I actually prefer CD. Yes, vinyl had nice big covers but, lest we forget, it also crackled and jumped like a bastard. And you had to flip 'em over. And CDs are smaller.
I mean, I could go on.
I have never
regretted losing the wall of vinyl. CDs have gone the same way now.
Speaking as
someone who has worked in music retail for years, it's interesting to note how the CD backlash has grown and attitudes towards records (or "vinyls" as some people annoyingly insist on calling them these days) have changed.
For decades the biggest curse of the record buyer/seller was the dreaded snap, crackle and pop. People would bring LPs back and vociferously complain at the merest hint of surface noise.
Then, in the 90s we find producers regularly adding fake record crackle to CD tracks.
Jump ahead to the present decade and newly converted vinyl buyers have become almost evangelical in their praise for records. Not only do they not care about a certain amount of crackle ("it adds a touch of authenticity, mate") but they will tell you that their records sound better than CDs.
Music Retail
I worked for Virgin Retail for several years many moons ago. One of the funniest things I saw was somebody trying to return a copy of the Jesus And Mary Chain debut because it was a bad pressing - "it's all distorted and noisy"
He couldn't understand why I thought that was hilarious. And he got even more upset when he asked to speak to my manager, who also thought it was hilarious.
Record shop staff were nothing if not full of the joys of good customer service.
Hey Jude
Apparently a similar thing happened with the Hey Jude single.
On the Monday after release record shops were inundated with people complaining about the distortion on the B-side, 'Revolution'.
Can anyone verify this happening?
Steeleye Span - Rave On
Bet that caused a few returns. It has the sound of a stylus sticking and jumping built into the recording.
My Mum
took back a copy of Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite because of all the crackling and hissing at the beginning.
Oh, did I not mention that this was on CD?
We had a woman
who brought back a Madonna CD single because one of the tracks started with fake record crackle.
"It's scratched!" she announced.
It wasn't your mum, was it Joe?
The flipside to this tale
On my copy of Generation Terrorists, the closing track "Condemned to Rock n Roll" crackles, hisses and pops from halfway in. I thought this was some sort of artistic 'statement' but on listening to a friend's copy several years later, realised that my CD was just fucked.
To my shame
When I bought the original vinyl release of Costello's "Get Happy", I tried to refuse the copy the assistant picked off the shelf for me because "the cover's all scuffed".
Oh GOD.
Anyone naming an album "Urban Hang Suite" really does deserve to be roundly beaten with a bike chain, don't they?
It's actually
really good as are all his records
I'll never know as I Have Never...
...bought an album where the title, artist name or artwork actively pisses me off.
A very fair point
and well made
:-D
Urban Hang Suite
I've not heard of this record, or the artist, but I'll guess that he's the sort of guy who gets an acoustic guitar out at parties.
Am I right?
Wouldn't think so
Flipping Over
The way album tracks used to be sequenced is about the only thing (barring big cover art) that I miss from vinyl albums. A good vinyl album was sequenced with an impactful (is that a word?) side 1-track 1 to drag you in and a side1-final track that made you want to hear the other side. A good few not-quite-great vinyl albums had all or most of the best tracks on side 1, which was handy because you never needed to hear the sub-par side 2 material if you didn't want to.
Very many CDs are far too long. Just because you Can get nearly 81 minutes of music on a CD, it doesn't mean you've Got To.
Even with those rare albums whereon every single track is a gem, it's sometimes nice to have a pause half way through, which the act of flipping over provides without any distracting conscious effort from the listener.
Of course the frequency response of 12" vinyl dance singles is an entirely different kettle of bananas. Get hold of a 12" of Tom Browne's "Funkin' For Jamaica" and play it loud. You'll feel what I mean, especially if your living room has a wooden floor.
On Tom Petty's "Full Moon Fever" CD
(I think it was this one) there's a wonderful interlude where, at the point where the vinyl version would be at the end of side 1, The Great Man suggests we just pause for a minute while those listening on vinyl would be getting up, changing over, dropping the needle, sitting back down and... off we go with the rest of the CD. It makes me grin every time!
Smash Hits
I never bought, or have read, a single issue of Smash Hits.
Sorry markanddave.
Ditto
What he said.
me neither
look at the covers to see why.
I have never
...watched a James Bond film.
I've never
seen The Godfather.
I've seen only two
Bond films. Both at the cinema on first release:
Goldfinger - just for the Aston Martin DB5
Live And Let Die - purely in order to hear the epic Macca song through a giant sound system (hey, it was 1973, we made our own entertainment back then).
I was persuaded to go and
I was persuaded to go and see "The Living Daylights" at the cinema during the school holidays when it first came out.
I have actively avoided watching any James Bond film ever since. (Cf. the famous-in-our-family story where my father cut the plug off our telly one Christmas day to prevent a visiting uncle from forcing us to watch "Dr. No.")
I have never
watched a TV soap. Lot's of vinyl though.
I have never
watched The Sopranos, The Wire or The West Wing.
I know I'm probably missing out but there's so much of them it all seems like such a commitment!
Me neither
For better or worse, I'm in the same boat WB
I have never been to me
Or Spain. I have never owned a gramaphone player or an 8-track cartridge player but somewhere in all my junk, er collectibles, I have a 78rpm disc and an Elton John cartridge. Why? Because I can.
I have never
read a novel by Stephen King
I have never
broken a bone. Though I did dream I'd broken my wrist. What can it mean?
I have never
"got" R.E.M. A few tracks are O.K.-to-good but there's not enough there to make me commit.
Likewise The Clash. Some good stuff but mostly they just whizz past me...
I've never had a nose-bleed
They always look quite painful to me, but I'm told they're not.
The only painful bit
is trying to stop it bleeding by pinching the bridge of the nose, particulary if your nose is bleeding because someone has punched and broken it.
not painful
but bloody (sort of pun intended)irritating especially when driving one handed down the M6 with blood pouring from my nose.
It got so bad I had to have the missus take me to hospital. The first two questions were
- are you an habitual cocaine user? No!
- have you recently take viagra? No!
So there's two more things I've never done.
I'll tell you what does hurt. Having a nosebleed cauterized.
Cauterization
Oh yes. Having your nostrils pulled apart actually hurt more than the cauterization itself. It does seem to have worked though.
Not painful, just inconvenient
I used to get them all the time as a bairn. Numerous inspections by varied doctors, consultants and specialists amounted to a diagnosis of "You've got a weak blood vessel at the top of your nose. You'll probably grow out of it". Luckily I did, but not until my mid-teens.
As I understand it, bleeding itself isn't painful, it just usually happens when you have done something painful to yourself (cutting, grazing, breaking etc.), so people assume escaping blood = pain.
I have never heard
half the new bands I slag off.
But I usually hate the half I have.
Oh yeah
Old bands too. I love to slag off Rush and Yes without ever having listened to them. Why would I listen to them? They're rubbish.
Tell us do!
Which ones haven't you heard?
I've been known to slag off films I've never seen, such as Forrest Gump (eventually saw it, and was relieved that it really was as egregious as I'd been telling people...). I also count Peter Greenaway as one of my most hated filmmakers, despite only having seen two of his works.
Slagging off bands you haven't heard, though - that's just wrong!
;-)
Well in my case
I feel, from experience, that I can write off a band without ever hearing them if I have reason to suspect the presence of five or more of the following:
- Bass solos
- Capes
- Albums named after imaginary lands
- Grown men screeching about elves
- Triple albums
- Triple bloody concept albums
- Songs with parts which have their own names
- Satin tour jackets
- Multi-necked guitars
- Songs which last longer than a Ramones album
- Any member named 'Geddy'
Capes...
... triple concept things, grown men screeching about imaginary creatures, chapters with their own names and a bloke called Geddy Behindmesatan ... that King James Bible is pish
/rented garment
Slag off's.....
I’m rather partial to long tunes about elves and goblins but I will irrationally and joyfully slag off -
Bearded American bands wearing bullet-belts who mumble on about some ‘bad outlaw who done me down’ and who call themselves ‘alt country’ simply because they don’t have the melodic gift to be ‘country’. Also
New singer songwriters
New singer songwriters with fucking harps
Anybody who gets ‘CD of the Week’ in the Sunday papers
Mouthy bands in the NME who are 12 and who know nothing and who probably sound like Oasis
All hip-hop
And rap
And horrible, brainless, thumpy-thumpy ‘let’s go fucking crazy man’ dance crap.
Horrible, brainless, thumpy-thumpy ‘let’s go fucking crazy man’ dance crap which gets good reviews in the rock press.
Anybody who is, or has, ever been associated in any way with the anti-Christ they call ‘Sting’.
Sting’s latest.
Oh, and is it too early to say that I hate the new series of ‘Rock Follies’?
( One for the vintage NME readers there….. )
I have
Never laid my head down without a hand to hold.
Never made my bed out in the cold.
Never lost my temper when I got hit in a bar room fight.
Never lost my woman overnight.
(RIP John Martyn.)
I have never
watched an episode of "Eastenders", or "Crossroads" and I don´t know what "The Archers" are. I have never got to the end of "Trout Mask Replica" or succesfully baked a cake
I've never
owned an 8 track, drank Party 7 or seen the Lorraine Chase Luton Airport advert. That's because I'm not fifty.
I have never
knowingly eaten beetroot, and never will. It's the work of the devil.
See also any pickles.
I will make you beetroot risotto
And you will think differently. Secret ingredient: a good splash of vodka at the end.
I have never
Managed more than two minutes of "I'm sorry I haven't a clue", most recently tonight on the way home - in fact it is probably still on!
you missed the joke about
Samantha and her 36 bees then...
I have never
been to me.
I've never, ever
had a coffee.
What heinous effect would it have?
...
Bleurgh
...the smell's bad enough.
I was in my 30s before I started drinking tea. Black and very weak.
Can't drink anything I can't see through.
Never..
seen a hurling match, although I'm Irish and do like sport. Wrong end of the country, okay, but still. Not even on TV.
Still hoping.
I've never.....
played a fruit machine (wouldn't know where to start and suspect i'm missing nothing).
....been paintballing,...been to a karaoke night,....read any Harry Potter books,.....laughed at a Jo Brand joke.
On a Depeche Mode forum
A young fan once asked whether 1990's Violator had ever been released on vinyl. Made me feel about 100 years old.
As we are being confessional
I have never read Word. It's not sold where I live, and as the local postal service is horrific, subscription is not an option. I was introduced to all of this via the podcast. Am I now to be cast into utter darkness, banished as a freeloading interloper?
Of less moment, I have never seen an episode of The Wire.