How To Succeed On The X Factor
Sing 'I Will Always Love You' at every available opportunity - stretch the notes and warble a lot. Alternate with theme from Titanic as necessary.
Repeatedly declare that 'this' is your only dream even if, up till now, the most you have ever done is sing in the bathroom to your toothbrush.
Have a good sob-story - widowed mother, dying father, near-death experience, victim of bullying, tropical disease etc.
Be extremely lachrymose - cry uncontrollably at every available opportunity.
Say 'Please Simon' repeatedly in plaintive, self-pitying whine.
If you have children announce that you are doing 'it' all for them so that you can, presumably, 'take good care' of them (which you are supposed to be doing anyway but never mind).
Claim allegiance to Scotland (distant ancestry is hard to disprove) and wear a bit of tartan - partisan voting is useful.
Be an underdog - low paid, ordinary, everyday bloke works well.
Remember this might get you on the telly at least - then hey and indeed presto - you are a celebrity of sorts which, lets face it, was all you really wanted in the first place otherwise you wouldn't waste your time trying to mould yourself into a performing, packaged android.
Anyone got any other helpful tips?
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Be
pretty.
Don't sing a single note. . .
where five will do (hi, Jerry! RIP).
I like...
the dedication. Sing the song, damn it!
It's a guilty pleasure...
...it's car-crash TV and I can't take my eyes off the wreckage. It's the blandest ones that usually win, the ones that are least likely to complain about the bland MOR material they are offered.
I remember Rod Stewart's hypocritical turn as a guest where he played the luvvie and said he was 'particularly proud of the Scottish contingent' (who were a duff duo called The Macdonald Brothers, I seem to recall!) and then apparently went on the radio slagging them all off, not knowing the microphone was still on (allegedly...).
Also, don't forget the pukesome power ballad (invariably by Westlife or Whitney Houston) playing in the background whenever a contestant is put through.
Having a family member
out in Iraq or Afghanistan won't do your chances any harm either. Be sure to carry a photograph of them with you, though.
Remember...
The X Factor isn't a talent contest - it's "a journey". If you progress far enough into the competition it becomes "an amazing journey".
Curse you, Sir
You beat me to it. That is exactly what I was going to say.
I've just watched the final part of the programme about Mark Beaumont, The Man Who Cycled The World. Strangely, he didn't say at the end that it had been an amazing journey, when it clearly had been.
And then...
As soon as you're out it's a "learning curve".
remember to tell
the judges that you respect everything they say and you will put it all into practice if you get through to next week...
then pretend one hand is a strange looking phone and waive it around near your ear.
Don't be too good
Otherwise Mr Showbusiness will vote you off and then secretly sign you up to a 4-album deal before Louie gets to sign you up to a management deal.
Tell the Cowell demon...
that he is an attractive man, not an evil, reptilian defiler of culture.
Say
you're going to use the winnings to pay off yer mam's mortgage (she's had such a hard life and has done so much for you etc etc, sob sob).
don't forget to give 110%
apparently giving 100% just won't cut the mustard.
snare crack...
how to win the x-factor in one easy lesson.
Do a version of Whitney Houston's cover of Dolly Parton's 'I will always love you', pitch perfect and in perfect time to the original and ACE the key change.
Then the production team will take great pleasure in using your version as they do with every other hopeless fecker that 'gets through' to punctuate 'You've got four yes(es) - you're through to the next round' with that snare crack ...ack ....ack....ack...
It will of course help if you a) burst into tears and b) have just lost your dog.
You should then ask all your relatives to go into slow motion as you hug eachother.
At least one of your relatives must have glasses that are obviously too thick to see through and two teeth.
I thank you..
Wouldn't it be refreshing...
if a relative of some no-hoper contestant was seen begging said offspring not to audition...
"Just think about what you're doing! You can't sing for toffee! You sell double glazing! You're not a pop star! You want to make an absolute idiot of yourself in front of millions of people? Be my guest! But don't come crying to me when they tell you you're useless!"
Offspring, blinded by the lure of celebrity, ingnores advice and makes total tit of him/herself.
Spot on timing
"Comedian Peter Kay is returning to Channel 4 with a new comedy poking fun at TV talent shows such as X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing.
Kay has written and directed Britain's Got The Pop Factor And Possibly A New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice.
Former Popstars and Pop Idol judges Nicki Chapman and Pete Waterman, as well as Dr Fox, play judges in the comedy.
Phoenix Nights star Kay, 35, plays two contestants, a solo act called Geraldine and another who is part of the foursome Two Up Two Down."
It wasn't meant to be taken literally
Apparently someone on last week's show had a great, heart-rending, tearjerking yarn about having been fostered as a baby and wanting to make his real parents proud (or some such twaddle). All completely untrue so I am informed. I bet Hughie Green would have rumbled him!