Pick Up The Pieces (But Please Remember To Bend Your Knees And Keep Your Back Straight As You Do So) by The Average White Band.

(please drink responsibly) by Bad Manners

Weld (Please Wear Safety Goggles At All Times) by Neil Young.

I Threw It All Away (In The Appropriate Recycling Bins) by Bob Dylan.

My Mummy's Dead (If You Have Any Problems Or Issues Resulting From Listening To This Song, Please Text MUMRIP to 99999) by John Lennon.

Manic Depression (If You Or Someone Close To You Is Showing Symptoms Of This Condition Please Contact Your Medical Practitioner Immediately) by The Jimi Hendrix Experience.

Car on a Hill (Please Don't Forget To Use Your Handbrake) by Joni Mitchell.

Driving With Your Eyes Closed (Is An Offence Under The Highways Act Of 1979) by Don Henley.

Gates Of Babylon (Will Close At 7pm Mon-Sat, 5pm Sundays) by Rainbow.

Before They Make Me Run (I Will Have Completed Around 10 Minutes Of Warm-Up Exercises) by The Rolling Stones.

Rock N' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution (This Is Subject To Review In May 2010) by AC/DC.

in a Tube Station At Midnight (never alone, carry your phone and can of mace spray)

Maxwell's Silver Hammer (has been removed on Health & Safety Grounds)

The same applies to Small Axe

Mind how you go. You could have someone's eye out with that

...as long as you carry with you sensible clothing for all weathers, sturdy climbing equipment, GPS and distress flares. Once you have ticked off your list, you can move to spontaneous frantic lovemaking after checking your partner's full sexual history and only using Durex's "Mallory" condom that can withstand sub-zero temperatures and can be applied with giant mittens on.

but use protection.

So who'd you have do this surfacing for you? Dear me, no... this is all coming up... can't see the parking restrictions, can yer? And we've told you to keep those dogs of society under control an' all...

do you have a permit to busk here?

(is inadvisable) - TV on the Radio

only on approval from the local highways department.
Apply 3-12 weeks in advance.

light my fire

then retire to a safe distance

... have you ever thought of sweeteners?

We are sorry to announce that "Running Up That Hill" is only permissible under suitable supervision by course marshalls, with the St John's Ambulance in attendance, and where all participants have signed the approved Risk Assessment.

We have not been able to approve the Risk Assessment for "Up The Hill Backwards" - this event is therefore postponed indefinitely. While we realise that Mr Bowie will be disappointed, safety is paramount.

... if you're gonna do that, it would be wise to use durex ultra-strength. I'll get my coat.

they will be dispersed by police.

so make sure you get regular sexual health checks.

... have had to install safety fencing to prevent anyone getting too Close To the Edge

Can the gentleman who is currently Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay please return to the Harbourmaster's office, where we will provide him with a lifejacket and instructions on how to put it on and, in the event of entry to the water, how to use the whistle to attract sailors. I mean, to attract the help of the emergency services. Now, please sign the Risk Assesment and disclaimer here ... and here ... and here ....

'A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall (Please Wear Your Hard Hat)'
'Dancing On The Ceiling (Is Actually Impossible... Do Not Try This At Home)'
'Does Your Mother Know? (Yes, by means of the GPS chip she had implanted under my skin)'

so please put on your hard hats, walk in single file and stay within the railings.

For all those who are planned to be "By The Rivers Of Babylon", ensure that you read the risk assessment and wear your Personal Protective Equipment, including lifejacket and hard hat at all times. We do not believe that it is safe to "sit down and weep" - if you feel the need to weep, withdraw a safe distance from the riverbank. If this is a regular occurrence in your life, please contact our very discreet Employee Welfare Officers, who operate in strict confidence. We do not condone weeping in the modern workplace.

Follow the marked path at all times.

just don't forget our 'safe' word.

may be recorded and used for training purposes.

Smash It Up - with due care and attention to others in the vicinity

(by Oasis)

whilst observing statutory break entitlements.

Arctic Monkeys – Dangerous Animals (Should be kept in secure accommodation and treated in accordance with the Dangerous Animals Act)

Bright Eyes – Hot Knives (Should be allowed to cool before being placed in a knife block beyond the reach of children)

The Geraldine Fibbers - I Killed the Cuckoo (For causing the death of an animal on the Endangered Species List I can expect a fine or even a jail sentence)

Green Day - Give me Novocaine (I will use it in accordance with my GP’s instructions to manage a pre-existing medical condition)

The Gun Club - Secret Fires (When left unattended can turn into public fires that rage uncontrollably for days or even weeks, causing extensive damage to surrounding property and loss of life)

Plush - Take a Chance (Having first performed a thorough risk assessment and given appropriate consideration to any local laws and customs)

Prolapse - Every Night I’m Mentally Crucified (7000 Times) (A safety word agreed with my partner beforehand means that I can stop the proceedings at any time)

...wearing sturdy, thick-soled boots.

Take Me To The River (Observe all 'no swimming' notices; beware all watercraft; minors should not swim unaccompanied; rivers are a drowning hazard) by Al Green

Good Vibrations (The Beach Boys, Sea Of Tunes Publishing and/or the employees of Capitol Records cannot be held responsible for any side effects caused by over-exposure to vibrations, good or otherwise, pursuant to H&SE order 43.2.1) by The Beach Boys

Smash It Up (Always wear protective gloves & safety goggles before smashing anything up; beware flying particles) by The Damned

under trained supervision and within a controlled environment.

(CORGI registered installation.)

...Mr Thompson's recent admission that he's "been tired" has resulted in Work/Life balance questionnaires being sent to all staff. The tour has been cancelled until all questionnaires are complete and it has been satisfactorily established that all staff are sufficiently rested.

Mr Thompson is currently undergoing workplace reintegration training after he openly admitted wanting to be a "debaser", "sail away on a wave of mutilation" and "ride the tiger down the River Euphrates". Wilful debasement, advocation of self-harm and the domestication of wild felines for use in sport are all against company health and safety Best Practice guidelines and any staff found to be indulging in these practices, let alone "gouging away", will find themselves subject to disciplinary proceedings.

Because all staff have been fully trained, HSE, COSHH and IRMER(e) folders are available for your perusal and appropriate safety notices are displayed.

(but only if you are the named driver on my insurance policy).

You Shook Me All Night Long (fortunately, I was wearing a crash helmet and protective knee and elbow pads, which minimised the impact of any unintended knocks).

If not please complete the relevant training courses before undertaking any work.

Yes, it can be an addiction just like alcoholism or drug related dependancies. If you think you may have issues in this area or have been affected after watching the video - please ring the number on screen now.

so we advise using the appropriate protective clothing in all cases.

fully harnessed.

Children Of The Grave (Should Be Supervised At All Times) by Black Sabbath.

We Built This City (However It May Have To Be Demolished As The Addendum 'On Rock N' Roll' Contravenes The 1984 'Suitable Building Foundations' Act) by Starship.

subject to terms and conditions.

you must ensure you identify the fire exits.

may be dangerous and should only be used by authorised personnel with appropriate training and supervision.

is not recognised medical advice. We suggest you try simple analgesia and rest, and consult a doctor if it doesn't resolve.

Restrict access to the area.
Wear protective gloves.
Use disposable towels to soak up fluids.
Use appropriate disinfectant solution.
Dispose of all materials safely.
Chamone.

Pursuant to EU regulations, and Control of Hazardous Substances (COHS) legislation, this is now "Milk". We have informed Dr Feelgood's legal advisers.

We are in discussion with UB40 as we have yet to establish resolution on their similarly challenged "Red Red Wine". Their appeal was based on blaming Neil Diamond, but failed.

Many other cases are pending, including the estate of John Lee Hooker, for "One Scotch, One Bourbon, One Beer" : in addition to COHS, this is binge drinking, per medical guidelines.

(They have been removed due to a high pollen count).

Dancing in the dark (until the emergency lighting is activated).

Paint It Black (With suitable low odour, lead free, water based emulsion).

(will be removed in a jiffy, once I've sterilized these tweezers).

Cigarettes and Coffee (may be a contributory factor in high blood pressure, increasing your chances of a stroke - perhaps have a nice cup of camomile tea instead?).

Until we have resolved the potential for transference of localised diseases, the bat in question will not be going anywhere : it will stay in quarantine.

Our veterinary staff are in discussion with Mr Lucifer's veterinary experts to reach a common understanding of the diseases and any other relevant issues.

We will keep Mr Steinman and Mr Loaf informed.

can only be used with the correct guard, gloves and goggles.

The Back of Love is banned. Love can only be from the front in full view of all concerned to prevent potential misunderstanding.

'I Drove All Night (Taking Rest Breaks Where Appropriate)'

'Fixing A Hole (Whilst Wearing A Hard Hat)'

'I'll Follow The Sun (Being careful not to look directly at it, even when wearing sunglasses)'

'Roll Over Beethoven (Though only if it is safe to do so, and put him in the recovery position)'

'Drive My Car (only if fully qualified, and paying due care and attention to other road users)'

'Ashes to Ashes, Papers and Recyclables to the Blue Bin, Garden Waste to the Green Bin, and so on'

'Knock on Wood (But be careful to watch for splinters, and if possible, wear protective gloves)'

'Get Off My Cloud (But take care doing so, grip the sides of the ladder firmly, and try to ensure someone holds it steady at the bottom)'

Our original findings on this have been challenged on what we see as a frivolous technicality. While Mr Lowe's legal team are technically correct in their assertion that the sound of breaking glass is not dangerous, per se, we still believe that any activity in the area of glass must be undertaken with due caution, especially where breaking glass is possible. We further believe that their obstinance in accepting our revision - "I approve of Safety Glass for all applications" - shows a flagrant disregard for the safety of all in the world of pop and rock.

during daylight hours is not recommended as direct exposure to sunlight can result in damage to optic nerves.

"We all feel better in the dark" - affected by SAD? Please ring the number below.

"Can You Feel It?" - is not a term to be used during any exchange with a minor or young adult.

As mentioned in our national ad campaign,due to a concern over the effectiveness of your vehicles brakes, we are writing to advise you to return your Prius to your local Toyota Network Dealer as soon as is conveniently possible. A replacement hire car may be made available if one is avaiable.

We await the response from the estate of Dwight Pullem, and also from The Cramps - while we have taken great steps to encourage safe practice in terms of protective eye-wear in the presence of hazards, whether these are chemical or from the sun's rays, we suspect that our messages have become confused in the mind of the public. For the avoidance of doubt, we do not advise the wearing of sunglasses after dark.

We have proposed the more suitable "Sunglasses in bright sunshine, Safety glasses where indicated by Risk Assessment".

Warning: band name contains nuts

U2 - I Will Follow (While keeping in mind safe braking distances in wet weather)

Simon & Garfunkel - Hey Little Schoolgirl (Now that I have been made aware of your age I regret that I must end this online conversation)

Black Flag - I Can See You (Thanks to your high-visibility cycling vest)

Five-a-Day in The Life

Mind the gap.

... That's the idea!

Sammy Hagar – I Can’t Drive 55 (In a 30mph zone without endangering the lives of pedestrians and other road users)

Bryan Ferry – The Ship’s Cruel Captain (has been sent on mandatory sensitivity training)

'Cum On Feel the Noize (within safe EU limits)'

'Great Balls of Fire (should not be tackled by individuals unless they feel safe and competent enough with a fire extinguisher to do so)'

'The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get (Pay attention when crossing busy roads)'

'Another One Bites the Dust (warning - dust may contain toxic substances, and consuming it is not advised)'

'Love is the Drug (do not exceed the stated dosage)'

'Whiskey in the Jar (please enjoy responsibly)'

'Baby, It's Cold Outside (so don't make any journey unless you absolutely have to)'

'Cold Turkey (if not consumed within three days, throw away to avoid risk of food poisoning)'

'Girls on Film (please ensure you have the permission of the girls, or indeed any other individuals who may be caught on film, before you begin)'

'Are "Friends" Electric? (and if so, do they have the requisite electrical safety certificate, with checks performed on a six-monthly basis)'

... fully insured and MOTed

Freefalling

...having completed an extensive training course

In the correct segregated bins, and through approved disposal routes

...on building-reg compliant foundations.

...may cause bowel difficulties.

just as soon as the ground crew complete the maintenance checks and refuelling, the cabin crew cross reference the passenger manifest with the flight security briefing and the pilot gets authorisation for take off.

...primly presents his reworked MOR classic (Trip) Hazard.

... if the proprietor has not complied with accessibility legislation.

...by all means, but use caution.

This Madness record may contain nuts.

needs to report immediately to his line manager to discuss appropriate clothing in the workplace.

suicide is painless.Just don't do it in an unsafe manner.

in contravention of the European Working Hours Directive

You must be at least THIS TALL to ride the Helter Skelter

are requested to conform to personal protective equipment regulations and safe procedures of work before performing the Safety Dance.

.....if I'm displaying flu-like symptoms.

I would, of course, adhere strictly to the Woodworking Warranty and the Waste Warranty outlined in my Employers' & Public Liability insurance policies under the heading 'Special Conditions', paragraphs 6 & 7 of section 2(a).

I would, naturally, ensure that I held the appropriate liability insurance to indemnify any third parties whose property I might damage through my negligence (subject to a £250 third party property damage excess).

I would, definitely, prominently display my Employers' Liability certificate of insurance as well as the latest edition of the Factories Act and the offices, Shops & Railway Premises Act (1969). I should probably also organise the appropriate Products Liability insurance - just in case I happen to poison any of my valued customers.

is closed until further notice. This is due to a bizarre overnight chemical reaction apparently associated with a process of overheating leading to a liquefying of various parts of the facility. Furthermore, various items of soft sweet food comprising, flour, eggs and sugar are causing a slipping risk due to recent inclement weather. The park owner is suffering a stress-related condition due to this and has given up his position as a master baker. In a recent press statement he was heard to say 'I'll never have that recipe again'.

Oh No.....

Sun Ra - I'm Gonna Unmask the Batman (Vigilante justice, whatever the motivation or outcome, has no place in civilised society)

Alice In Chains - Check My Brain (As part of my annual health assessment)

(terms and conditions apply)

Use me (in accordance with written instructions and before the date indicated)

*WARNING* Close proximity to kryptonite may cause drowsiness and/or loss of energy levels. Do not drive, operate machinery or attempt to fly faster than a speeding bullet.

Whilst the BBC respect the rights of artists to explore the norms and mores of society, we must equally also be respectful, aware and sensitive to those sections of society which have deeply held beliefs that will be affronted by Mr/Ms County's somewhat direct language and approach.

Whilst we should not be afraid to be controversial or - indeed - seek to avoid the challenge, our judgment is that having a balanced represenation of the issues would take dialogue forward...

Please read the full statement at http://www.bbc.co.uk

(because you haven't obtained the requisite planning permission, and its structure does not conform to EU safety standards for children's products).

Why Don't We Do It In The Road? (Because we might get run over, we would be causing an obstruction in contravention of the Road Traffic Act, we could sustain mild grazing... need I go on?).

...naked flames must be supervised at all times by a responsible adult.

Let 'Em In...
If someone's knocking at the door, or indeed, ringing the bell, do yourself a favour and check their identification card before effecting ingress.

She Bangs the Drums
But not in a built up area between the hours of 11pm and 7am

Repetitive strain injury and upper limb disorder.

I've tried to resist, really I have, but I just can't keep away from this any longer...there have been some very funny posts so far.

Here are some progressive rock album suggestions:

Close To The Edge (harnesses, safety nets and handrails to be in place, as well as a risk assessment undertaken)

Trespass (all trespassers will be prosecuted)

Brain Salad Surgery (only to be performed by qualified staff in a germ-free environment)

In A Glass House (only possible if the structure conforms to accepted construction standards; this is a hard hat area; the throwing of stones is not permitted)

Songs From The Lions Cage (not recommended, particularly if the animals have not been fed)

Sleeping in Traffic (again, not recommended without hazard lights and and an appropriate warning sign).

by Men Without Hats (though that wouldn't get by a risk assessment now, would it?)

EDIT - Oops, someone got there first. Bummocks.

.

*Ne Pas Avaler*Do Not Drink*Niet Drinkbaar*

but only in a playful manner without using any force with one of those softy foam ones and if said brat doesn't wish to continue with this harmless role play, desist forthwith. Oh yeah, oh Yeah - oh -oh

Please remember to extinguish all cigarettes before falling asleep and keep those electric blankets on a low heat!

Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand - ensuring the "taker" has full CRB clearance before making any such arrangements

Bike - Pink Floyd - Please check bell, basket and full ownership details of the offerer before "riding it, if you like".

and a suitable hand rail has not yet been erected.

*this phonecall may be recorded for quality and training purposes. Please listen carefully to the following three options. To speak to Sylvia, please press 1 on your telephone keypad.To speak to her Mother, please press 2. To speak to anyone else in the Avery household, please press 3.*