is the enormous 'KAPOW!' sound that occurs when someone punches someone else. I have very little experience of physical violence, but I can say with little fear of contradiction that this does not happen in real life.

is COMPLETELY divorced from reality.

If you haven't seen it, don't.

Time and time again, Jimmy Bond will be running from a man who's spraying machine gun fire, yet not a single bullet ever ventures near our hero. You always see the bullets peppering the ground - even when the villainous sort is about two yards from Bond when firing.

unscathed. Pretty much impossible I think. I have a very nasty scar to prove it.

and perky young women, with no sign of a big bank account in sight.

It's not completely impossible, but it normally involves a huge amount of alcohol...

So I've been told.

from a single gunshot. just not true,don't ask how i know,i just do.

The number of times you see a man take a hefty kick to the nuts and instead of curling up in agony just come up swinging is ridiculous.
The only film I know of that shows the reality of such a low blow is the Coen brothers' first film Blood Simple.

in bed in the morning hair, face and makeup immaculate. How many people have you ever woken up with that look the same as when they went to bed 8 hours earlier?

The cars never seem to hit lamposts, pedestrians or large immovable objects - bit they always seem to find that big immaculately stacked pile of cardboard boxes (fruit optional).

Why would anyone DO that?

particularly in US movies, the drill is just stop talking and hang up ... no sign off, no goodbye, nothing. If I were on the other end I think I'd ring back and tell them how rude they were, or write to the Daily Telegraph about the decline in modern manners. Possibly.

half consumed.
Any bag, crate or sack never looking heavy enough.
Hot wiring modern cars.
The fluidity and ease in which computer systems work downloading vital secrets in seconds.
plus nobody on films uses MS word in "state of play" at the end Russel Crowe seems to be writing up his vital story on some weird ancient white on black word pro(maybe newspaper still use this sort of thing).
Oh and american actors teeth are too perfect for cowboys.

... and tells you to switch on the television not only will it be tuned to the channel the caller intended, but the newsreader will be just at the point of the story where you can receive the relevant information, despite the time lag in your colleague noticing the news item and calling you.

...switch it off in disgust, even though the relevant news item hasn't actually finished.

People lobbing Zippo lighters onto puddles of petrol to blow up petrol stations (there's a good YouTube video where a bloke forlornly lobs matches into a tray of petrol and every single one goes out with a fizzle). The worst example had to be a Steven Seagal film I saw, where he managed to set a bloke on fire by firing a vodka-filled water pistol through a cigarette lighter.

Ditto cars rolling off cliffs and blowing up.

A staple of 'gangsta' movies.

At what point did Hollywood (or, indeed, real life) decide a gun was more accurate if you held it with the handle horizontal rather than vertical?

Pressing a key; a flashing cursor… almost guaranteed to emit a beeping noise. If that really happened it would be quite annoying.

in his right mind would choose Andi McDowell over Kristin Scott-Thomas

This doesn't really happen, does it?

... without wincing, but as soon as 'the girl' cleans his wounds with antiseptic - he's all twitchy and acting like a 5 year-old.

Suitcases that dangle as if there's nothing in them.

If there's ever a cat, there will be a sound of a meow once the cat is out of shot. Most cats don't meow unless they're after something.

But the biggest reality hole has to be Emmerdale. How can a village with less than a dozen houses, not on a main road, and with no tourist attractions sustain a pub, village shop and café?

with the 555 area code - I know it's cos it doesn't exist but still, does it matter whether they use a real code?

- slightly off topic, but I remember going to see Twister years ago, and the heroes figure out that if they can fashion a load of mini propellers from empty pop cans they can attach sensors to these which will be 'swallowed' up by the tornado and enable them to plot it's course. They gather together every can in a whole neighbourhood. Every one is a Pepsi manufactured brand. Not a single Coca Cola can to be seen.

and are at the desktop within a second of the power button being pressed.

NCIS/Law and Order type programmes have people watching video footage. Someone says stop and points at the incriminating moment on the screen (such as the bad guy walking past a window or a car driving past the camera). The thing is, in order for anyone to see it they would have to rewind the tape by a few seconds which never happens.

No one ever removes their glasses with two hands. Although in fairness no one seems to use both hands in real life.

the studios were worried about being sued by US citizens tired of getting rung by fans hoping to get through to their favourite stars.

They try to knock Bill Pullman out Hollywood-style with a blow to the head with a lump of wood.

Bill goes "OW" and remains resolutely conscious.

Another reason why this is such a good film.

Thing in films which annoy me: Too many to mention. It's why I don't watch many Hollywood films. My wife gets fed up with me shouting all the time. Gets embarassing in the cinema, apparently.

with incredible accuracy over 100 yards. Yeah, ok...

and its flawless execution (no pun intended). Two things happen: a) the baddie is conveniently incapacitated and incapable of firing back / pushing the detonator / executing his hostage etc; and also b) never gets hit in a major artery thus causing him to haemorage to death in the next 90 seconds.

Corpses that should be stiff with rigor mortis can have their limbs manipulated with ease. Impossible! Also closing the eyes of someone who just died - don't think this would work.

Funny how when there is a conversation the otherwise noisy, background is strangely muted and the speech is easily heard, whereas it should be necessary to shout in someone's ear, as in a night club or similar.

and then ringing it again without giving the person sufficient time to answer the door. Calm down - they might be doing stuff!

at odds with reality?'

Just about everything, I've always thought. But I only let it get in the way if the film's rubbish...

In any foot-chase scene, one of the people being chased always stumbles and falls at some point. If there's a woman in the chased pair or group, she will always be the one to fall, and the man will help her up.

If anyone coughs, they will invariably die before the film ends.

You will rarely see anyone thanking a waiter or waitress. Notable exception: January Jones in The Three Burials Of Melquiades Estrada, where we see a bit of character development expressed through her becoming more polite to a waitress.

When anyone has to rewind a CCTV or sound recording, they always manage to rewind to exactly the right place, even if they're doing it "blind" (or deaf) - I know from experience how difficult this is.

or any other actor for that matter. How no one, in any of his films, says to him, "anyone ever told you you're the double of Robert De Niro?".

and you jump into your car to escape - it will NEVER start.
364 days of the year - no problem, starts straight away and off you go - but no, never on that one day when a psycho is trying to scalp you.

How many bloody times do you see that?

you know to the place were it's hardest to escape from the top of any building....

come I only need to brush passed the bike in the hallway with my ipod headphones and they get so tangled up in the wheeel I have top dismantle the bike to free them but the hero of any film takes at least 3 attempts to attach a grappling iron to the right ledge etc at the crucial moment.

that aren't poured properly. Just half a cup and yet the recipient doesn't moan.

Oh and actors doing the actor smoking thing. Big old tense lug on the ciggie and then an immediate blow out of smoke. I'd rather they didn't smoke than do it crap.

rushes up to a news stand to read the evening edition of a NY newspaper he finds his father's attack covered in depth on the front page instead of the uncritical reporting of the "news" that the second daughter of a one hit wonder/charity campaigner/breakfast tv producer being thrown out of night club (exclusive pictures on page 3...)

please move on

filled with empty boxes or other soft landing materials at the exact moment hero is required to jump from bridge on to passing traffic?

... in the bedroom, it just goes slightly less bright - instead of pitch black.

And whenever someone comes in from the shops, there always seems to be a French stick poking out of the top of the bag.

stealing uniforms I sometimes can't find things to fit in large clothing stores with hundreds of racks of items let alone in a small janitors closet

Pizza delivery men who always strike it lucky with two or more bikini-clad lovelies.

Whaddya mean, we're not talking about that kind of movie?

During interior car scenes when one of the characters is shown driving why aren't they swerving all over the road?

Because they should be. All that bloody twisting of the driving wheel from left to right.

Is there something wrong with the tracking? They need to pull into Kwik-Fit if you ask me.

If I did that in my car I'd be in a ditch within moments.

can you really flick the odd switch, pump the odd nob and then take off in anything more complicated than say gypsy moth?
also I can't even get Itunes music files to play easily on my non apple mp3 player let alone upload a virus into a alien computer system (independence day) do aliens use usb thumb drives? I know this isn't the only inconsistency in independence day in the scene we first see Geoff Goldblums dad he's playing chess and the board clearly shows his character has already lost due to being checked by....

coordinated "attractive" underwear.

and not only knowing any number off by heart, but getting through immediately.

Also, big big type on computer screens. Not real. I can barely make out words sitting right in front of mine.

In an English language film that features action based in a non-English speaking country - I'd much rather see the actors speaking the correct language and have subtitles.

Foreign people do not speak English to each other in their own countries in comedy accents that sound like Manuel from Fawlty Towers guesting in an episode of 'Allo 'Allo.

In shooting movies, when someone has emptied a gun of all the ammo and have no bullets left - they discard the weapon and select the next of the umpteen weapons they have on them.

Why not just put said gun pack in pocket or over back ? Guns are expensive and also discarded ones could be picked up by a minor or criminal !! And when do they get the time to put all those bullets in the magazines and are the magazines thrown away too ?

....and at the time of a big explosion (look out for the obligatory rocket powered oil drums) why does the actor always do a big leap and never get blown up ?!

never fall in love in movies.
It is unlikely that a wedding in a rom-com will go off without incident.
No British film will have a normal police man as it's hero.
Have you tried opening train door windows lately even to get some fresh air let alone say your tearful goodbyes to a long lost love or drag on board an escaping buddy.
when was the last time it snowed really heavily in southern england like in richard curtis films (oh earlier this year I remember now).

always run out of battery just at the moment when the whole flimsy plot would collapse if someone could just get a message to the hero.

Plays and films have always relied on the audience knowing something the protagonist doesn't, and this is becoming harder to accept.

It's is going to become even more of a problem as communications improve. Soon we'll need ever-more ridiculous plot devices to make sure the hero's in-ear transceiver isn't working. Or something.

http://tinyurl.com/mmvror (It takes you to the book "Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics") which covers gunshots, explosions, igniting petrol, jumping, falling and etc and is a most entertaining read.

This applies to TV series like 24 as well as to films: when the hero is single-handedly (and highly plausibly) taking out a score of baddies, the chief baddy is always the last baddie standing, and either gets offed by the hero, or escapes, despite back-up arriving and a perimeter being thrown around the scene.

just kill Bond when they have the chance?

Everyone who dials 911 in Hollywood gets put on hold or dismissed.

Tom Cruise is an actor.

Mention of Tom Cruise makes me realise how often flms give a false impression of how tall the actors are. Even in a film like Eyes Wide Shut, made by Kubrick who is regarded as being outside of the Hollywood system, you got the impression that Cruise and Nicole Kidman were the same height, which I don't think is quite right.

On the other hand, I had never quite realised how big - tall and broad - Clint Eastwood is until I saw him outside of the context of a film on The Daily Show. So big, that he had to sit at an angle to the desk, and looked about twice the size of Jon Stewart.

Reading the Henry Allingham related thread reminded me that a guy who was a submariner in the war once told me that the Hollywood (& British cinema) way of attacking a ship was utter tosh - where the captain spots a target on the horizon, readies torpedos, fire and a minute later boom. He told me it was a really long process of estimating the target speed, distance to the target, estimating the torpedo trajectory and then manoeuvering the sub. Probably about an hour. Then you'd be as likely as not to miss as hit.
Of course that wouldn't make good cinema.

is always available within a few hours in NCIS,CSI etc. Also perfect fingerprints, no smears.

If I was a cop bursting into an apartment, shouting "Police!" with my gun at-the-ready - the first thing I would do in a dark apartment is turn on the lights. Instead they sneak around, back to the wall and then get shot by someone hiding inside a slatted wardrobe that they hadn't noticed because it's dark.

Generally, though - life at home with most urban Americans appears to feature the people involved sitting around in the dark with only the glow of a TV or fridge lighting the place up.

And how come people in films "max out" other people's credit cards? Sometimes, reckless offspring will take the hapless, put-upon father's credit card and go shopping. How does that work?

the same people that re elected Bush? Being fooled by a 15 year old girl should be walk in the park after that.

call their high-powered lawyers immediately?
Are they always arrogant and off-hand and walk out of police interviews after 5 minutes saying 'We're done here'?

...someone WILL cut the rope.

Made worse by 'Touching The Void' - finally, a mountaineering film that is authentic and gets all the gear & techniques right; and in the climactic scene, Simon Yates... cuts the rope.

D'oh!

What to expect when making a movie:

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. (Take note Mr Reid).

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants have perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps

probably not of his making, but so true

the explosives expert will be Polish and probably called Kowalski.

ATV productions:
in 70s British TV programmes, if any actor gets into a car while there is another actor outside talking to them, the car window will always be always open

global:
all friendly alien lifeforms speak American English, it is written so it must be done

are unfailingly polite and always respond to upheaval or danger by going to bed when asked just after saying "I love you, daddy" in a heart-tugging fashion.

In real life, it's more like this exchange yesterday:

Me to my son (aged 4): "you're a great boy and I love you very much"

Him in response: "Can we get that Transformers I want?"

..out of cars, then rolling for about ten yards then dusting themselves down.
My mate Gordon fell out of one going about 25mph, and broke both his arms, pelvis, and dislocated both shoulders...

Working out wot the password is on the villians computer... I can never work out wot MY password is after logging out of a dodgy site after a night on the sauce.

Whenever anybody makes an arrangement, they never, ever specify a time. They say "Great, see you later," or "Ok, it's a date." HOW can it be a date if the don't arrange a TIME TO MEET? It annoys me profoundly. Are they psychic?

A bit Off-Topic I know, but also worth a read.

http://funnies.paco.to/cartoon.html

I do love the bits where they de-construct the form - characters removing sprocket holes, painting new frames in the 'film and interfering with the film transport etc.

That tyre squealing noise that Hollywood / TV cars make when they move off or change direction. Even on dirt roads. Why doesn't my Micra make squealing noise? Maybe it would make squealing noise if I ran over a Foley artist.
Rain. It never rains but it pours. No celtic mist, no gentle rain that falls from Heaven. When it rains on screen it really pisses down. Gallons of the stuff, torrents of it pouring down in an unrelentingly biblical fashion.
Guns. Fiercely accurate handguns those. Moving target, bad light, long range. No problem. Bang. Gottem. Yeah! And when did people start holding handguns at that funny angle? I must have been asleep.
Death. People just die. Like that. Like turning off a switch. One moment alive, the next dead. Neat, clean and quiet.

can always smash them on a handy rock as they clearly made of some brittle, sub-standard metal. Not remotely likely in real life I am informed.

any actor in any country whilst smoking weed the spliff will be no longer than an inch

anyone in USA can always say which direction they
or anyone else is driving or running - 'he's
going east on 22nd, now heading south
on 12th' etc. How can they tell?

dull, illiterate, ineffectual etc. In films you will encounter a whole variety of 'characters' who scheme and manipulate their way through 'the system'.

but at night? Surely easier anytime to say left or
right?

Start of the film: Capable, smart, sassy career girl. Only a mild vulnerability or quirk.

When the going gets tough: Screeching homebody totally incapable of decision making, defending herself or even putting one foot in front of the other a lot of the time. How come I learnt by the time I was 11 that a punch, knee, elbow or even pinch to the groin would be a better bet against a kidnapper than flapping my arms and legs around yet these women fight like they don't really mean it?

Cars in historical films (or TV) are always spotlessly clean

Thunderclaps that happen at the same time as the flashes of lightning that are related to them--no delay between the two whatsoever. You see this all the time. It's as if, in every film, every thunderstorm is directly overhead.

Especially for those that require the use of a bow, if you get a frontal view of an actor playing one, it's instantly obvious they're faking. It's impossible to look like you're actually playing one if you don't know how. As a trained cellist, I cringe every time I watch the scene of David Bowie playing the cello in "The Hunger."

They wave a stethoscope in the general direction of the incoming patient and immediately diagnose "a flail chest with collapsed lung and paradoxical breathing." A huge list of investigations will be ordered which will be done immediately by the abundant the nursing staff in attendance. I could go on...

...usually after someone has left in dramatic fashion.

Also, phone conversations where questions are helpfully repeated back. No-one ever just says yes or no like they would in real life. OK, dramatic licence!

... in the dreadful film "Deep Impact", Tea Leoni knows that an asteroid is hurtling towards earth, meaning certain doom for the planet in about 15 minutes. At this point, she decides that she must see her estranged father. Natural impulse - nothing wrong with that.

But she goes into the street and hails one of many available taxis! Now, I admire the average taxi driver's devotion to their job - but surely in these circumstances, taxi cabs would be thin on the ground?

Being able to pass yourself off as an identical facsimile of someone else by using only a prosthetic mask.

...all snogs in films are done without dribble-strings, toothbangs, chewing gum removal or clumsy left-right negotiation. Furthermore, bouncy girl-on-top "lurve" scenes never have those bits where the man's tummy boomerang pops out of his ladyfriend's passion-purse, or those occasionally excruciating moments where it gets bent from having her sit funny. Dare I also mention the complete absence of the fanny fart in the history of "romantic" cinema? Too late...

...Hollywood man-to-man urinal conferences are short, sharp, "unzip-piss-rezip" affairs with nary a trace of leakage. You never here an on-screen tinkle sound, you never see them attempting to propel that pink soap thing from side to side with their weestream, you never see them looking at an imaginary object in their side vision to avoid accidentially checking out their friend's peepee, and everyone forgets that once you get past 40, every loo visit consists of 1 part actual urination to 4 parts frustrated rocking back-and-forward to let people know that you're a bona-fide waiting wee-wee'er and not a cottager, and 5 parts largely-fruitless shakification of your after-dribble.

A friend of mine once shouted "hello sexy!" and gave me a playful wolf-whistle in a packed gents toilet in Hyde Park one summer afternoon. I pretended - quite convincingly I thought - that I had no idea who he was and other blokes in there were preparing to square up to him. I have never seen a face that was more red than his. Cackle.

...they duck into a nearby car , and INSTANTLY start it up and are on the go !
What , nobody in movies went to driving school , let alone anything else , where they tell you " Always lock your car and CERTAINLY don't leave your keys in !!!!!!!!! " ?
I once read something regarding someone telling Ian Fleming that , every time someone is KO'd , they throw up - vomit - upon waking up , and , IIRC , he hence had James Bond do that every time Mr. Bond " woke up " in the novels .
I
HAven't
Read
Every
Post here ,
so please excuse if I repeat...

would have ended his days somewhat shaken and quite possibly a little stirred. A regular stumble-bum with loss of memory, peculiar gait and strange speech patterns. Not like Sean Connery at all then really?

I've never witnessed this myself on TV but it is said that in a lot of soft porn movies, where the 2 protagonists are engaged in intercourse of a canine fashion, the male usually looks like he must have a member shaped like a 12 inch hinged banana in order to achieve the penetration of the female from the position adopted on the bed or couch. most implausible indeed.

... we'll have to take your word for that won't we?