/generic

To fuck off

Riposte: "Obviously, as it appears I'm spending time with you"(add arsehole here if appropriate)

If I want to listen to an arsehole, I'll fart.

Me

with your thumbs and index fingers, and then with your right hand (same fingers) make an 'L' shape against your forehead. It seems to work for the kids in playground at my school.

Would be my bon mot of choice in this situation.

but I've got windows to stare out of for a bit before going downstairs and then upstairs again in an effort to remember what I came upstairs for in the first place. That should put their gas on a peep, as the saying goes.

One who tries to force time is pushed back by time but one who surrenders to time finds time on his side. 

or just text CU L8R yeah?

Riposte: Not if there's more (insert arseholes here if appropriate) like you out here I don't!

... often works for me.....especially when trying to remain dignified and professional about it.

Oh do come with me, 8.45 at the school-gate tomorrow morning. I'm preparing a special little exposition with which to lure them in...

When I want your F***ing advice, I'll ask for it.

or

'Thank you for that pearl (or nugget)of wisdom, now get back in your box'.

or (patronisingly) 'Oh, I just make time, don't you?'

or 'You'll have to learn to manage your own time better!'

Cory Doctorow has answered this one already:

"That guy has too much spare time" is one of the most odious, intellectually dishonest, dismissive things a person can say. It disguises a vicious ad-hominem attack as a lighthearted verbal shrug. The subtext of the remark is that the subject's passions -- this remark is almost always directed at someone engaged in some labor of love -- are so meritless that their specific shortcomings don't even warrant discussion. The subtext is that any sane person who considers these passions will immediately see their total worthlessness. To direct this remark at someone is to utterly dismiss their personal fire and so their ability to distinguish between the worthy and the unworthy.

...Really, is there anything fulfilling about life that didn't start out on the fringes, didn't start out as a waste of time?

http://boingboing.net/2002/02/03/too-much-time-on-his.html

I think these are subtly insulting but stay this side of civil:

"You've got too much time on your hands"
"I'm just interested in lots of different things! What can I do?"

"You need to get out more"
"Yes I do! That's the answer! Thank you so much."

"Not really. It's called culture. Perhaps you've heard of it?"

"No, I think you've got that wrong. I've got too little time and too much curiosity."

"Better time on my hands than hair on my palms".

Though maybe not.

That should do it. Cue embarrassed shuffling of feet.

"You can lead a whore to culture,but you can't make her think."

"And just how do you survive in a mind that small?"

or

"I see that all your time is taken up just by remembering to breathe. Try closing your mouth while you do it, just to add a degree of difficulty".

Try enthusing about Half Man Half Biscuit singing " is your child hyperactive, or is he in fact just a twat?". You're pretty much guaranteed that anyone still speaking to you after won't be saying daft stuff.

F*** off you red-nosed c***.

I'm sorry but I've forgotten the context it was used in, but it was very funny at the time and everyone laughed.

is to say, "Can I just stop you there?". Then, while they're waiting for you to say something further, maintain silence and eye contact for about two seconds, then turn round and walk off.

killed

When I start taking my little boy to school you're *exactly* the sort of Mum I hope to bump into at the gates.

don't detain them from X-Factor a second longer than necessary.

"oh, poo to you with knobs on"

"Oh. I'm sorry you feel like that".

and then I'd go and find some nice new friends. (easier said than done, I know).

The school-run's an interresting one. The fellow mums at my daughter's school are mostly lovely, but many of them are terrifyingly well-kept and groomed, sporting hangbags that cost more than my monthly grocery allowance. Me? I've not brushed my hair in a week. You could probably sum up my style as "somewhat dishevelled".

Actually, it's sometimes been a bit of a struggle to keep my identity, while still being a full-time mum with two small kids. I keep busy, we go to lots of groups, but I rarely meet anyone that I've actually got anything in common with. I can do the small talk with other parents about kids, schools, childcare, but I'd much rather be nattering about music, books, cakes and nonsense. One of the reasons I spend a lot of time here.

Now, if the Word magazine could start its own mother and baby group, we'd be laughing. Rusks and The Rutles, anyone?

say, Look! A Unicorn!'

Then tweak their nipple and run away.

The cultural heritage and reputation of this great country was founded and built by those who took time to appreciate art, literature and music. It would be churlish of me not to appreciate those efforts and to add to our collective knowledge if I can.

So fuck off Dumb Ass!

"Hmm, that's a thought. How lonely it must be in that head of yours."

'Oooh, you are awful. But I like you'

Push them on the shoulder then walk away, tripping up on purpose.

I have done that at least once.

that to me would be treated with pity after I had got over my anger. Presumably, if you changed the discourse to "I got rat-arsed last night and locked the kids out", they might think better of you. There is nothing finer than exchanging banter and sharing knowledge about books, music, art and this site is a testament to that. You're the more rounded person and then you can tell them to sod off & get a life - not very subtle but sometimes a metaphorical slap in the face works better than anything too subtle.

and they're running out of you.

of the Seinfeld episode where George gets humiliated and goes to ridiculous lengths to try and deliver a comeback?

"You may heckle me now, but I'm safe in the knowledge that when I get home I have a lovely roast chicken in the oven."

'I really tried hard with X Factor/Celebrity (or any other banal programme of choice) but couldnt connect with it intellectually so had to go back to my own books/records etc'
They won't even know you are taking the piss.

...
"Yes. And I appear to be wasting it right now..."

but worth sharing. A friend's elderly mother received indifferent and inattentive service in a well known London department store. After biting her tongue for a while she leant across the counter and enquired of the foolish sales assistant,

"Could you get me the person who can have you sacked?"

Never quite had the nerve to use it myself

"You're opinion means nothing to me"

I saw that one floor a goth at five paces. Alternatively, consider that it's just one of those things that people say when they feel they should say *something* but aren't sufficiently informed to make a worthwhile comment. Smile, whistle a happy tune and think "Go fuck yourself!"

...such as a coma?

"You've got too much time on your hands."
"No, I have just enough time to keep up with the amount of intellect that I've been given. But for you it would be a bit overwhelming, I'm sure."