"Take My Wife .............I wish someone would" (Les Dawson)

I still use it now and again, although my Italian in-laws just look bemused when I translate it literally.

"I met the wife on the Tunnel of Love. She was digging it."

Apparently he once watched a match at Lords. At the Lunch break someone asked if he was enjoying it. He replied "Sure. But when do they start playing?".

..."outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read"

"Men, you're fighting for this woman's honour. Which is more than she ever did."

I am devoted to the works of Marx and Lennon.

"These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

Waiter: Sure.
Well give them some black coffee, That'll sober them up.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

At the anti-Semitic country club, they told him he couldn't use the pool. Groucho asked "Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in up to her knees?"

or my watch has stopped.

It's five dollars an ounce!

On second thoughts, I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

Say, that's a nice nose, did you pick it yourself?

You may go, Jamieson.

… the mice throw themselves on the traps.

© Les Dawson

while I have a strange interlude.

"It says here you have nine children."
"Well, I love my husband."
"I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth sometimes."

(Groucho is flirting heavily with a gangater's moll in a plush stateroom on an ocean liner. There's a knock on the door.)

Moll: 'Oh, that'll be Mugsy! Quick, duck behind the sofa'

(Groucho hides behind sofa)

(Gangster enters and is immediatley suspicious. Moll persuades him she's alone and he's on the point of leaving)

(Groucho pops up) 'Say! There's no duck behind this sofa!'