I've had friends who have died prematurely and one who was found dead in bed by his mother, but I've not had to experience such trauma as directly as you. My thoughts go out to his family and friends and hope that the formalities are concluded with minimal suffering.

What a horrible thing. Nothing to say past wishing you all the very best. It sounds like you were a wonderful friend to him.

All my condolences, again.

Bob

My dear friend, my thoughts and love are with you.

Please, please don't feel that you "prolonged his agony". Honestly, that's not how it works. Far from it. I know you were a good friend to him; the best we can do is support the ones we love, and that's what you did for him. My dad first tried to kill himself when I was 18, and he eventually succeeded just before my 30th birthday. He was alive for an extra 12 years that I might not have had with him otherwise, and I'm incredibly grateful I had that bonus time with him. Similarly, for your friend.

It took a long long time until I understood - and genuinely believed - that I wasn't to blame, in any way, for my father's death. I know you'll come to the same understanding eventually; this wasn't your fault.

Unfortunately when someone has their mind set to take their own life, you cannot stop them. You have to respect their right to take ultimate control over their life, however appalling and unnatural it feels to do that.

I'm glad I got to meet your friend last month. He was a lovely guy and I really enjoyed talking to him. It was clear to me then how fond you two were of each other. He's lucky he had such supportive friends in you and your mum; not everyone in his situation would have had such good friends in their life.

For anyone else reading this, I want to second Stick's comments about contacting your friends who've had bad news. Many of my friends melted away in the aftermath of my dad's suicide. One person, who I thought was a good friend, didn't contact me even once. Three months later, he sent an email apologising for not having been in touch, but that he just didn't know what to say. That actually really hurt; it's better to say *something*, rather than nothing, believe me.

Please - if you have someone you love who's going through something traumatic - and not just bereavement, but illness, divorce, any major life event - keep in touch and let them know you're thinking of them. I promise they'll appreciate it more than you know.

Stick, my friend, take care of yourself. I'll speak to you very soon, please please let me know if I can be any practical help at all with all the paperwork. Whenever you need a sympathetic ear, you know where I am. And know that I'm thinking of you constantly; I vividly remember crying through the small hours of the endless nights when sleep stubbornly refused to come. But I'm there with you in spirit.

lots of love
Hannah xxxx

..no one should have to endure what you've been through. We're thinking of you - and stay in touch, we'll be listening.

You and your Mum extended the hand of friendship to a gentleman who was obviously finding life quite a trial. To have done so elevates you both to a realm sadly occupied by only very few. You should both be proud of yourselves that in this cold hard world you were not left wanting for decency above and beyond what most would feel able to give.
My most sincere condolences to you, your Mum and of course your friends family.
Be kind to yourselves. You really couldn't have done more.

and it was absolutely right for you to try to help him. Also, you gave us the sense that he was a good man who lost faith and hope. That must be a tough thing to bear. If that should ever happen to me, I hope I will have friends like you to help me through it. Wishing you better and happier times ahead.

You (and your Mum) have been utterly perfect friends. Your friendship and support in the last two years will have meant the world to him, I'm sure. Your post is great reminder for some of us to appreciate what we have and that some people have it much, much tougher.

My best wishes and look after yourself and your Mum.

That's terrible Stick, my thoughts go out to you. I still remember my phone ringing in the middle of the night in 1991 and my Dad telling me my younger brother had killed himself. He was a bit of a mess - supposedly recovering heroin addict, but rumour has it he started again and couldn't face it so he took the easy way out. Suicide seems such a fucking waste doesn't it, though I guess we can't even guess what is going on in those people's minds, for which we should be grateful. Try to remember the good times.

I echo what was has been said before, you were a good friend and support to him, and that was over and above what anybody could do.

Stay strong and think of the good times you and your friend had.

Best wishes

Thanks for sharing that Stick, it must have been hard.

It is a great reminder that we should all make sure we do the best we can for our friends in times of need.

It sounds to me like you did everything a good friend can do for another person and yet still I can only imagine the guilt you are feeling. Personally, I hope you realise that he was very lucky to have you and your mum with him for the last 2 years.

I hope he is happy with "what comes next" and I hope you can recover from the shock enough to remember the good times without pain.

It's a terrible thing to go through to lose someone, and worse in a case when you feel like you could've done something more, no matter how much you did.

It's important to remember that you were there and you did what you could. Having lost my mother to cancer two years ago - and holding her hand through the whole chemo ordeal - I know you can think you should've done more, or could've done more. That thinking doesn't help, and it's misguided and hurtful to you. The best thing you can do is be stronger for it and love life that much more. Easier said than done, but it does happen, sooner or later.

I hope the words everyone has left you are of some help. And I know it takes time to get over, if you ever really do. The most important thing seems to be doing what you're already doing - honoring a memory of someone with the things that person loved. I can't imagine a more beautiful homage. Please be well. My condolences to you and your family, and best wishes to all of you.

other than to wish you and your mum all the best in such trying times and to thank you for showing that there are still decent, loving people in the world.

David

all best wishes to you and your mum

It must have been agony to write, but what hope it gives me for the human race.

Thinking of you and your mum at this time.

and I am so sorry for your loss. It seems to me that your friend had true friends in you and your mother and that he would have appreciated that friendship deeply.

*sends big hug in Stick's direction*

I've been through similar and while it's different for everybody make the most of your friends, talk about it, and, don't be freaked if some friends can't cope. Some people just can't deal with it. I lost a good friend of mine when I was in my teens and some other friends just disappeared. I've not seen them since.

Similar thing happened when my mum died. I think it makes some people realise how close these things are to all of us.

You sound like you've been a really good friend, it's all you can hope to be sometimes.

a beautiful and moving book over the weekend by Kay Gilderdale regarding her life looking after her chronically sick daughter, Lynn, who she was eventually charged with assisting in her suicide last year. I'm turning into a soppy old git in my old age and I was crying my way through parts of it. Really moving.

The pain is in the separation and not the ending of this ife. Some people just know that they cannot go on - they are too broken. That decision is less painful to them than to those that cared about them I think.

All the best with your grief.

to what's already been said, but I send my condolences, and the hope that whatever came next for your friend was better than the private hell he had found himself in, in this life. And I hope you and your Mum, good people both, appreciate that you did all you could for your friend and you can be proud of that.

Stick. Nothing to add to what's already been written above but it has galvanised me to get in touch with a close friend who is going through a traumatic time. Love Toffee

...except my good wishes & sympathies.

Life is cruel sometimes, but as everyone else says, you & your mother did all you could.

Very sad, but I do think you did everything you could. I don't think you prolonged any agony. I think that it can be one's ultimate indifference to the kindness of others or the existence of reasons to live that helps make a decision as to whether to act or seek help. You did the absolute best thing by your mate and I hope you come to believe that too.

A horrible thing to have to deal with on every level.

That is a wonderful and moving tribute and obituary to your friend! You do his memory proud! I hope you and your mum are keeping strong!

loss and grief. No, make that a hundred thousand. When someone has ended their own existence it's a particularly cruel form of grief to endure, and even a hundred thousand words cannot capture the pain. I wish you and your family, and his family, a graceful recovery from these difficult times. My condolences to you all.

You've been a real brick. Knowing someone who experienced a similar event, the shock is awful now and will only be marginally less awful for a while. Try and remember the good times with this thoughtful and interesting man and the pain will ease more quickly.

Oh, and well done to the Massive for their customary kind reception to Stick's post. What a lovely lot you are.

You offered friendship warmth and some solace.

It must be, obviously, an immense shock in so many ways but I think you've proved yourself a great friend to the poor man.

Much sympathy and condolence to you, your mother and all close to the tragedy.

You were a good friend in his hour of need, which is admirable.

I have witnessed this in my family too and I share your sense of helplessness. I had to tell my wife that her younger brother had taken his life. Without doubt the worst thing I have ever had to do.He did so in his mothers house and the questioning by the authorities whilst understandable is truly upsetting to the family. Surely there must be a more humane and less accusatory way of doing this?
I genuinely feel for you as I know the pain and anguish that you will be going through in the coming weeks and months. We are all different but I agree with Hannah that you need friends around you who will talk about it as it is part of the healing process. I hope you and your mum can find some solace in the fact that you gave your friend something that had been missing in his life however fleeting.
Take care and look after your mum.

I'm fortunate enough to know you personally, so you know that I - like everyone else on here - is thinking of you a great deal. Nonetheless, it's important to keep saying it.

Take care.

So sorry to hear about your loss. You and your mum's friendship will have made such a difference to your friend's life. Take care.

Though it might be of scant consolation now, you should be proud of how you and your mum helped him..

I'm really sorry to hear what's happened.

Someone quite close to me made several attempts on their own life. None were successful, but each got a little closer than the one before. A phone call late at night still makes me sick to my stomach - ten years on. For more than a year I was scared to play music loud in the house in case I couldn't hear the phone ring. In case it was another one of "those" calls.

It took a long time and more than a little counselling to grasp what Hannah says above - you can't stop someone who is determined. My attempts to conduct a self appointed suicide watch ultimately had a terrible effect on my life and did little for anyone else. I was repeatedly told it's the ultimate act of desperation, and the ultimate act of selfishness.

You were a good friend and went out of your way to lend a helping hand. There's not enough like you around.

I can only echo what has been said so well above..you were a good friend
who did what he could..take solace in that fact..love and peace Bingham

At least you and your mum showed him kindness. All the best to you both.

Dear Stick,

How utterly utterly awful. Please please be kind to yourself. Your friend sounds a lovely and thoughtful person, the very least he would want is for you to be kind to yourself.

Wish I could give you a hug.

What a terrible time for you, Stick, and what a good friend you were to somebody in need. My sympathies to you and yours.

just hope you and your mum get through this soon - you're both obviously special people.

That is a wonderful, deep and moving eulogy to someone who none of us here met, but we see everyday. I mean all of those we pass swiftly by, those down on their luck, anonymous, fallen through the cracks, and invisible to the world at large. So I want to thank you for taking the trouble to write such a heartfelt, insightful piece which will make me think twice about the people you notice who exist on the margins, and what their story is. You did the decent thing, tried to help someone who was probably beyond what you, or anyone, could offer. But no kindness goes unrecognised, and he probably appreciated it more than he ever told you. Certainly, by telling it so eloquently here, your kindness will affect other people, and ripple out from there. So be sad for your friend, but be glad you did what you did.

Hope you get over this as best you can. You were a good friend.

Thats a terrible thing to happen.

You certainly didn't prolong anyones suffering, you provided relief from it.
And your post has now reminded a lot of people of friends lost, and of the friends that we still have and should value and give our love to while we still can.
That's a small comfort to your great loss, but it can be of great help to many others.
I wish you peace of mind, and better times ahead.

I'm so sorry.
Like others here, I think your kindness and support made life better for a man who struggled to live it.
You did everything you could. Knowing this may not ease your pain now - but in the future, it will. You've just got to get there.

Thank you for posting this Stick.
I hope to catch up with you soon for one of those tipsy Russian Inn-keeper bear hugs.
Take care. You were a good friend to your friend.

Thank you so, so much. I hadn't dared check back here since posting, as I was too embarrassed about blurting out everything in the middle of the night.

Been left a bit traumatised, to be honest, after discovering my mate's body, and am finding it quite hard to cope. My DCI friend tells me that not even seasoned coppers really get used to it, and only cope because it's generally strangers they find, not their friends. Erm. So I'm going to be a bit fucked up for a bit. Can't really be left alone at nights, sort of thing. It'll get better, I guess.

Probably won't be around for a bit, but just wanted to say thank you so much for all your thoughts and messages, incredibly, incredibly appreciated. As Danny Baker recently phrased it, this place is bloody decent. Going to collect some beta blockers from the doc now.
Cheers x

That nobody will ever see this - particularly if I post it in the middle of the night, giving plenty of time for subsequent posts to drive it back down the Recently Updated column...

here's a song I've written for my friend, to perform at his funeral memorial service today. Talk about a captive audience...

I hope you and your Mum are feeling better able to cope now. It must have been a terribly traumatic time for you both. Thinking of you mate.

Hope today goes well. Best wishes.

Hope the service goes well.

And what a great friend you were to him.
Best wishes.

Hope the winter sun kisses the heads of all at the memorial service today.