until I was about 25. I thought he was a brush.

Have to admit this is news to me. I never quite got the hang of the whole business. Thanks for the eggs-up!

[coat, door, etc]

... "a neatly encapsulated hen's period"

I was on a bus about five years ago, sitting behind a group of teenage girls. One of them was being mercilessly ribbed by the others, and quite rightly, because she had only just discovered that cheese ... comes from cows.
Wait, It gets worse.
The girl went on to say, with that rising inflection at the end of each statement, 'And I was eating chesse? When I was vegan? For, like, two years?'

When I was in my teens I used to think 'Les Paul' was pronounced in a French way (Lay Paul).

I thought this despite owning one.

(i) In another lifetime, I was in mid Wales doing an outdoor pursuit thing with a bunch of 15 yo big-city lads...one teases the other by saying; "you are a right donkey - baa baa" Despite being picked up on the comment by the manager of the centre, the lad could not see what was wrong with his comment.

(ii) A friend's son goes to a local primary school. He is in year 6 (10-11 yo). The teacher was asking for homonyms - i.e. words that sound the same sound but have two meanings, like left (as in to have gone) and left (as in not right). One lad put his hand up and suggested chicken as it was a nice fluffy bird and the name of the nuggets you get in Maccy Dees. He was devastated to find they were, in fact, the same thing.

I took me several weeks to work out why there were so many Midland Banks in the city.

The song goes "The Wombles from Wimbledon Common are we".

My confusion was about whether "common" had a capital "C" or not, i.e. "From Wimbledon Common" or "From Wimbledon and common (ordinary, everyday, vulgar etc.)"?

I laboured under the misunderstanding that Harold was the name of God and that the three kings were made of Holly and Tar.I also thought that if I shut my eyes and couldn't see people they couldn't see me.I'd like to think that I'm less confused now I'm all grown up but my wife tells me that's not true, but If I shut my eyes she can't see me to tell me so.Job's a good un.

As in the PM's country hise. For around ten years I just assumed Chequers was a nickname and wondered what it was really called. Chequerton? Chequerfordshire? Chequellsfield?

and pronounced the word 'Xmas' as it is spelt. I had no idea it had anything to do with Christmas.

Also when I was at school I attended Mass in our local church, despite not being a Catholic. I saw that people were being given things to eat and drink so I joined the queue. Having received my wafeur and booze I felt like some more and went back again. I was then informed by the holy man in the dress that seconds weren't part of this particular ritual...

Took me a number of years to realise that Quixote was pronounced "key-ho-tee" and that Mr Kwikzote's first name wasn't Donald...

read these words often before I heard them and I always assumed they were pronounced jewed and jig

Les Amis... I thought that was the owners/chefs name.......

to thinking George Harrison played 'led' guitar for the Beatles.

I've told this somewhere else on this site so apologies if I bore some of you again.

As a child I would listen to football match commentaries on the radio. My tiny little mind would reel if any game went into injury time. For a long long, and I mean long, time I thought it meant the players from each team could simply injure each other with impunity. A cheeky sideslip and a belt in the cakehole, etc.

I recall watching Match Of The Day as a teenage lad when suddenly the truth dawned. It was time added on. Nothing more. You have no idea how stupid I felt at that moment.

An acoustic guitar
Then it meant that you were
A Protest Singer
Oh, I can smile about it now
But at the time it was terrible

I was about 30 before I realised that it was a real place. Which wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been living in Southport and working in Liverpool for a few years by then.

OK, so I was born in '68 so the fella in question was a little bit before my time and seeing as my musical tastes were set in stone on seeing Kraftwerk on Tomorrow's World and various electronic acts on TOTP in the late 70s, I can say it wasn't until well into my 30s that I'd heard any of this Irish character's stuff.

Therefore, I was vaguely aware of Van Morrison when growing up as merely a 'singer from the 60s' and had somehow come to the conclusion that he was American, and then somehow at a later date came up with the equally erroneous assumption that he had been in The Doors, and hence formed the conclusion that 'Jesus Jones, that bloke's not aged well'. Still, Van looks in a finer fettle these days than Jim probably does!

And I still don't know if going through a purple patch is a good or a bad thing!

BR
FT

...My housemate at university. He was most surprised when I informed him that the earth went around the sun and not vice versa. Not information that he attached great import to, either.

For me *blushes* - an innocent explanation from a grandfather to a young child left me believing for rather a long time that thunder was "the clouds banging together".

Aged about 30 I was watching the credits of Bonanza and it suddenly dawned on me that the star "Lorne Green" had a stage name...."Hang on a second, that's a joke that is!"

I did guess Rip Torn though.

that, as a youth, thought euthanasia referred to young people in a certain continent.

I could never work out why they were so controversial...

Whenever I saw the word HAZCHEM alongside the word DANGER on a public building, I always assumed Hazchem was just a foreign word - possibly German or Arabic - for Danger, rather than the abbreviation for Hazardous Chemicals.

I was 25 (twenty five) when I found out that 'awry' is pronounced 'a-rye' and not 'or-ree.'

For years I used to think it was pronounced 'portaka-bin' and wondered why anyone would give something such a stupid name. Luckily I never actually said it out loud to anyone.

I also have no idea how to pronounce the phrase at the bottom of this page ...

... why Judy Garland wanted to "weigh a pie" in Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

A man is helping police with their enquiries, I used to think, oh that's kind, because I bet the police could do with a hand with stuff like that and they can solve the case more quickly.

I have a friend who believes that lead guitar is so-called because it has a lead plugged in.

Until I had kids and read animal fact books to them, I'd have said that tigers were from Africa, co-habiting with lions, wilderbeast and all that lot.

Until the age of 12 I thought that dogs were the "men" and cats the "women" and that cats and dogs were pairs.
Rather embarrassingly a girl had to explain to me when she asked if our new pooch was a dog or a bitch.

I'm not the only one, but it only dawned on me a couple of years ago that Jool's Hootenany wasn't live. My best mate is one of his sax players, I thought he was having me on when he said they were recording it in mid December. Talk about a let down - on the same scale as finding out Santa isn't real (or have I been double bluffed on that one?)

When people say this, do they mean "I'll hang for him" or "I'll try to hit him". I used to think the former, but now I'm not so sure. For some reason I hope I was right the first time.

I worked a few years for the Navy Army Airforce Institute (NAAFI), and one guy who used to deliver stuff was called "The Dutchman". Could not understand it as he had a fine Hampshire accent....UNTIL I asked the question as to why. Odd looks, and the problem solved... Naafi Van Driver!

this particular breed of horse on board ?

Caution Horses

Apparently tricky to distinguish from other breeds of horse.....

I seriously thought all those fancy clothes & stuff were called "vers-ace".

(Actually, I'm quite proud of that.)

absolutely believed that newsprint was a cure for nausea. When challenged on this she cited her dad as evidence as "he made us sit on newspaper on long car journeys so we wouldn't get carsick". I actually felt quite bad as I saw the penny drop. She thought he was being so considerate.

(though 'mate' is questionable) thought that there were 3 Allman Brothers: Gregg, Duane and 'dooann'

goal and gaol were pronounced the same - as in scoring a ...

my mate and I went on a French grape-picking holiday. We didn't know the exact destination, until he got the tickets delivered and said we were going to a place called "Mon Augusti": only later, after consulting maps without success and asking him to bring the tickets to my house, did we discover it was the date we were going; Monday, August 1st

When I was younger, my step-dad told me that jockeys used the horses' blinkers to steer them - i.e. close the left eye and the horse goes right (and vice versa).

The GLW still likes to remind me of the time she put me right on that!

Voodoo Chile was in the charts... I thought it was something to do with South American wizardry.

It`s 1984, somewhere in East Anglia and Americas finest fast food burger outlet has finally arrived...we felt gratefull.
I`ll have some chips or "fries" as they are now to be known.
"Certainly Sir, medium or large?"
"Um, I don`t mind what size"
"No Sir, medium or large"
"But I dont mind what size!"
"Sir...

And so on until the penny drops. I can still feel my face reddening

I prefered Norfolk Fried Turkey anyway

Yes you know but I was young.

A work aquaintance once told me about a film she'd seen, Titanic, and went on to tell me the story. However, when she revealed to me what happened at the end she clapped her hand to her mouth and said 'Oh sorry I've spoilt the ending'
Never did see that movie.

We read 'Brave New World' at school and our teacher recommended that we also read 'Eyeless in Gaza'. I never did. If I had, it would have disabused me of my belief, which I held for some years, that the title was the name of the main character -'Isla Singaza' (like Isla St Clair).

once told a story of a female friend of his who, as a small girl, would sing the church hymn 'Glady The Cross I'd Bear' as 'Gladly The Cross-Eyed Bear'

She thought it was all about a teddy called Gladly who couldn't see very well.

My ex Missus came out with one of the funniest statements ever...

We hadn't been together very long and were watching the ten o'clock news when the football results came on;

Newscaster, "Barcelona 2, Partizan Belgrade 1. Barcelona won 3-1 on aggregate.

My ex wife, "On aggregate? Why didn't they play on grass?"

Dear oh dear

confused me. It was probably due to the trial of some high tech, modern technology, i.e. a reel-to-reel tape recorder and some posters. Tricky stuff for a class that was used to blackboards and dusters.

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?" asks the tape as teacher points at the picture of a door.

"La porte!" we all chirrup.

"Oui, c'est la porte" encourages the tape.

For weeks and weeks I was convinced the tape was saying "We say 'la porte'" in the sense of, "We the French say 'la porte' to mean door." It took me ages to realise it was just, "Yes, it is..." In my defense, after that dodgy start I did become a bit of a francophile, lived in France for a few years and now speak it well enough to hold business meetings en francais. (Voir what je did there?)

Did my catechism & 1st Holy Comunion (Catholic) at my French school. Was absolutely hilarious, as the French word for sinner & fisherman are one and the same (pêcheur). The nun teaching us had to endlessly explain that Christ's disciples where fishermen AND sinners (imagine umpteen variations on this). Also we were sometimes asked to draw pictures of key new testament events & aspects of religion, and there was invariably some child or other who drew pictures of fishermen instead of sinners, and then we had to go through the whole explanation again: Yes probably all fishermen (pêcheurs) are sinners (pêcheurs), and yet not all sinners (pêcheurs) are fishermen (pêcheurs)... I think in fact the explanation usually confused 1 or 2 kids who`d managed to get their heads around the concept, and thus the cycle was perpetuated...

Unless one is careful to pronounce double consonants, certain words can lead to embarrassment.

"Felice anno nuovo" (happy new year) comes out as "Happy new anus"

and

"Vendete penne?" (Do you sell pens?) comes out as "Do you sell penis?"

I am fairly certain I have said both.

For some time in my very early youth I thought that the 'consolation goal' often mentioned in news reports was simply awarded to a team who had been roundly thrashed

When I was a nipper, gazing at my Dad's guitar hanging on the wall, I thought the dots on the neck were where you're supposed to put your fingers.

When I was a nipper, gazing at my Dad's guitar hanging on the wall, I thought the dots on the neck were where you're supposed to put your fingers. in Fact they sinly tell you which fret it is - 3rd, 5th etc.

When I was a nipper, gazing at my Dad's guitar hanging on the wall, I thought the dots on the neck were where you're supposed to put your fingers. in Fact they simply tell you which fret it is - 3rd, 5th etc.

When I was a nipper, gazing at my Dad's guitar hanging on the wall, I thought the dots on the neck were where you're supposed to put your fingers. In fact they simply tell you which fret it is - 3rd, 5th etc.

...If I'd have realised sooner that the "Prince Oygen" constantly referred to by my teacher, was actually the same person as "Prince Eugene" who featured heavily in the textbook, but was mysteriously never mentioned in class... a real "lightbulb" moment for me.

I was very surprised when I saw water buffalos in southern Italy. D'oh, so that's why they call it buffalo mozzarella.

...actually thought the singer out of Del Amitri was called Del - as in Derrick.
She also thought MC Hammer was a black scottish rapping clansman.

When we were at school my mate and I were great fans of James Bond. Sean Connery was our hero (When hero meant hero) We pronounced his name Seen Connery. Shawn was Shawn, Sean was Seen. We carried on with that pronounciation for years. Then when we heard that Sean was pronounced Shawn we couldn't relate to it. Seen sounded so much tougher to us. (No offence to all the Sean's out there)

While I'm here, Samuel Pepys. Is that Peppies, Peeps,Peps...? I've never known.

I wondered for about 9 months why a local mirror shop I used to go past every day was called Mirrorcles. In my head it was pronounced "mirrorclees" and some sort of classical allusion.

Then the penny dropped. Dur.

It took me a long time to realize that Jimi Hendrix was not in fact singing about a religious practice in South America...

I take fierce pride in not being interested in the Olympics but even so Mrs T was amazed when Steve Redgrave got knighted and I had no idea who he was (and still is, I suppose).

When I worked at a local hospital radio station, there was an elderly volunteer who used to go round the wards taking patients' requests. I was highly amused when he came back one day saying he'd had a written request for 'Mary's Boy Child' by a group he pronounced as 'Bonim' (Boney M).

... maybe 5 or 6 years old, I imagined "coloured people" had faces with red, blue, yellow, purple & orange stripes. I even told my mum I'd never seen a "coloured person."

and this is very un-PC so do excuse me...

When I was little we were given bright yellow stickers at school that said 'mind that child, they might be deaf' and we put it up in our shed window(?) and for years I would look at it and think it was warning me that a deaf child was liable to lash out violently at any minute!

Also - WH Smith I pronounced as 'whiffsmith' for years and thought To Let signs were all public toilets.

As an aspiring student DJ, I used to happily talk about ‘seeging’ from one track to the next. It was some time before I found out it was actually pronounced ‘seg-way’. No wonder no one knew what I was on about.

..there was a verbal accident waiting to happen..

When I was very small, my father told me they got bigger and smaller. I believed him. Later, as a teenager, it became obvious that many of the things he told me were made up on the spot, so I relinquished this particular canard, burying it in the hole at the bottom of the garden along with my short trousers.

Not THAT long ago, I was watching TV, and damn me - the buggers DO get bigger and smaller. If he were still around I should apologize.

That said, this is the same parent who swore blind that the actual, dictionary definition of "picturesque" was

picturesque (adj.) it looks very nice but I wouldn't like to live there.

Mr Lewry we have a Spamboid which picks up the word g*rlfriend surely? Hence various other old blog posts 'recently updated'.

I was well into my late twenties before I realised that, spelling-wise, the Fab Four weren't insects of the Order Coleoptera.

Yesterday I realised East Anglia isn't a county. We were watching the 7 ages of Britain and the title said "Cambridge, East Anglia"...no it's not, quoth I - it's in Cambridgeshire. Fortunately Mrs.T thought I was joking.

For far too long in my youth I failed to see the connection between Celtic (with a soft ‘C’) the football team, and celtic (with a hard ‘C’) meaning ‘of the celts’.

I never saw the team name written down, so I just assumed Seltick was a town in Scotland, like Partick.

How she had to dissuade a young mother from calling her new baby girl 'Chlamydia', because it was "such a nice-sounding name."

I had some friends over after I came back from a trip to San Francisco. As I was showing them photos of Alcatraz prison, a friend's fiance enquired if "this was the same prison where they kept the Count Monte Cristo?".

Needless to say her husband has from then on been affectionately referred to as "The Count".

and who used only to hear sports news on the car radio, I spent a couple of years thinking that the England cricket team featured a pair of brothers - Andrew and Freddie Flintoff.

Thought miniseries was a posh word for an episodic tv show , a hyphen cleared that one up

but I remember a comedian telling a gag about how he got lost when he tried to follow his girlfriend's map of the Norfolk B Roads.