Half Man Half Biscuit. I refer you to:

All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague Away Kit, and
I Was a Teenage Armchair Honved Fan, to name but two.

The only other decent football tune, as opposed to song, is of course the Z-Cars theme.

Other sports are far better served. My three favourites:

Whan an Old Cricketer Leaves The Crease - Roy Harper
Backfield in Motion - Mel & Tim
The Ball Game - Sister Wynona Carr

Billy Bragg wrote two songs about football, one about a player and one about the unpleasant side of football supporters.

God's Fotballer

God's footballer hears the voices of angels
Above the choir at molineux
God's footballer stands on the doorstep
And brings the good news of the kingdom to come
While the crowd sings 'rock of ages'
The goals bring weekly wages
Yet the glory of the sports pages
Is but the worship of false idols and tempts him not

God's footballer turns on a sixpence
And brings the great crowd to their feet in praise of him
God's footballer quotes from the gospels
While knocking on doors in black country back streets
He scores goals on a saturday
And saves souls on a sunday
For the lord says these are the last days
Prepare thyself for the judgement yet to come

His career will be over soon
And the rituals of a saturday afternoon
Bid him a reluctant farewell
For he knows beyond the sport lies the spiritual

The Few

At night the Baby Brotherhood and the Inter City Crew
fill their pockets up with calling cards
and paint their faces red, white and blue
Then they go out seeking different coloured faces
and anyone else that they can scare
And they salute the foes their fathers fought
by raising their right arms in the air
Oh look out my country's patriots are hunting down below
What do they know of England who only England know
From the stands of the Empire Stadium
come the heralds to the New Dark Age
With the simplicities of bigotry
And to whom all the world's a stage
These little John Bullshits know that the press
will glorify their feats
So that the general public fear them
and the authorities say give 'em all seats
And the wasted seed of the bulldog
breed is chanting here we go
What do they know of England who only England know
Our neighbours shake their heads
and take their valuables inside
While my countrymen piss in the fountains
to express our national pride
And to prove to the world that England
is just as rotten as she looks
They repeat the lies that caught their eyes
at school in history books
But the wars they think they're
fighting were all over long ago
What do they know of England who only England know
And the society that spawned them
Just cries out Who's to blame?
And then wraps itself in the Union Jack
And just carries on the same
Oh look out my country's patriots are hunting down below
What do they know of England who only England know

I like this on so many levels. It reminds me of the greatest midfield ever to grace the top division in English football (Strachan, McAllister, Speed & Batty). It reminds me of Leeds when thay were great. It reminds me of a row I had with a girlfriend when I was watching Leeds in an FA Cup semi (which was a rare event - the cup run not the row). And its about Gordon Strachan who does not get the respect and recognition he deserves generally but here he gets his own song. And its a cracking song as well:

Strachan

She waited for the match to start
to start a fight up with me.
She said, "what's that you're watching?",
"It's a Programme about art".
She said, "A Programme about art?", I said
"A programme about art" and then the greatest
midfield artist of them all walked out onto the park.
The crowd were on their feet and they whistled and
they cheered for the tiny wee Scotsman
with the copper coloured hair.
She said, "You just don't care, You never listen you know"
Lukic out to Wetherall and Wetherall to Dorigo.
Dorigo knocks it on to Fairclough, Fairclough looks for Speed.
Now she's ranting like a lunatic, "I'm switching off that telly".
"Look at me while I'm talking to you!"
To Strachan now -puts Kelly through
There's one man pulling all the strings and twenty-two
know damn well who.
The air begins to thicken. Inside the box Strachan has stricken
The gap unfilled -he makes the kill -One-Nil

She waited for the match to start
to start a fight up with me.
She said, "what's that you're watching?",
"It's a Programme about art".
She said, "A Programme about art?", I said
"A programme about art" and then the artist
tackles perfectly and floats over the park
to the waiting Rodney Wallace who knocks
it back in to Deane and now the Deane Machine
to McAllister and McAllister's just seen
that Gordon Strachan slipped his marker
and he's free now in space
he's got 'em pouring forward spraying the ball
all over the place.
Now Gary Speed is involved again, he steadies the ball.
"am I talking to myself?", she says, "or talking to the wall?"
"Will you look at me while I'm talking to you!"
To Strachan now -puts Fairclough through
There's one man pulling all the strings and twenty-two
know damn well who.
The air gets even thicker.
The 'keepers quick -Gordon Strachan's quicker.
The gap unfilled -he makes the kill -Two-Nil.

She waited for the match to start
to start a fight up with me.
She said, "what's that you're watching?",
"It's a Programme about art".
"If you don't take your grief and bad vibes and get out of my face
I'm gonna sit right here and whistle my way through Melrose Place"

You could've lit the air in the room with a matchstick,
McAllisters cross sets up Strachans hat-trick
The gap unfilled -Strachans skill -Three-Nil

A couple of scans from 77/78 Admiral catalogue when they were the Kings of club kits. I've got the full brochure and there are some real gems in there - this is the weekend casual gear though.

And a manbag to match - marvellous

As for tunes would Keith Mansfield's 'Young Scene' theme to the Big Match qualify?

I have an album from Zimbabwe band (I think) Real Sounds. One track is a 13 minute commentary of a match called Tornados-Dynamos (3-3)I think. Rather good.

I remember a great song about the Cameroon team and their 36 year old star player Milla "running round fellows half his age" - circa 1991? Anyone remember it?

Dear Twangothan

Do you think the Saw doctors were actually singing about Gaelic football ?

.. fall knock off and peel faves had an lp track call "3 english football grounds" which listed the benefits of 3 eng.... I think craven cottage was one of them.
Other faves sharp a needle by the Barmy Army, the anfield rap and of course an entire lp of the Kop chorus..

... I'd like to nominate The Proclaimers' "Joyful Kilmarnock Blues", as it's one of her favourites, and she sat uncomplainingly with me watching Celtic retain the League on Thursday night, surrounded by 50-odd emotional, ahem, drinkers in a less-than-salubrious boozer in Leicester.

(Kenton, lately of this fine forum, rang me during the first-half to complain about projector trouble while he was watching the new Indy flick, but got off the phone sharpish when I explained where I was and what I was doing. Bless.)

The Joyful Kilmarnock Blues

I'm not going to talk about doubts and confusion
On a night when I can see with my eyes shut
I'd never been to Ayrshire
I hitched down one Saturday
Sixty miles to Kilmarnock
To see hibernian play
The day was bright and sunny
But the game I won't relay
And there was no Kilmarnock bunnet
To make me want to stay

But I'm not going to talk about it
On a night when I can see with my eyes shut
When I started walking at Wishaw
My eyes obscured my vision
After five miles on my way
I began to learn to listen

I walked through the country
I walked through the town
I held my head up
And I didn't look down
The question doesn't matter
The answer's always aye
The best view of all
Is where the land meets the sky.

"Boil every footballers head in oil" by Shamus Monkey and the Derivatives, ultra rare pressing on red vinyl, no catalogue number.
It isn't very good, but I admire the sentiment.

Don't Come Home Too Soon. Lovely song but not what you want your players to be humming before a big game against Costa Rica.

So long, go on and do your best,
Let all friends have whiskey on its breath,
The world may not be shaking yet but you might prove them wrong,
Even long shots make it

So go then, out into history,
And show them how easy it can be,
You might not believe it yet but pretty soon youll see,
Even long shots make it,

Just dont come home too soon,
Just dont come home too soon,

And I dont care what people say,
We can laugh it all away,
But if I have a dream at all for once you wont be on that stupid plane

And the world may not be shaking yet,
But you might prove them wrong,
Even long shots make it

Just dont come home too soon,
Just dont come home too soon,
I dont care what people say (just dont come home too soon)
Were gonna laugh it all the way (just dont come home too soon)
I dont care what people say (just dont come home too soon)
Were gonna laugh it all the way (just dont come home too soon)
I dont care what people say (just dont come home too soon)
Were gonna laugh it all the way (just dont come home too soon)
I dont care what people say (just dont come home too soon)
Were gonna laugh it all the way (just dont come home too soon)

Roy's Stanley is an ode to Stanley Matthews and not a bad song at all. You can find it on Born In Captivity if you can locate a copy.

Joxter Goes to Stuttgart. A splendid tune of travelling and football.

I'm patricularly keen on the version from the Live At The Point CD.

Marcos Valle's Paz E Futebol is probably musically the best football song I can think of (I don't understand Portuguese, though.)

But does anyone remember the great Flair compilation of 'official' football songs by the likes of Fisher Athletic, Norwich City ('backed by Accent') and my favourite, Fantastico by Leyton Orient?
'You've got to believe in a team they call fantastico...'

Mano Negro, them with Manu Chao as frontman, had a song bout that old handy-man, Maradona, in French with interspersed football chants and roaring crowds. The most authentic footie song ever

I nominate "Love on The Terraces" by Serious Drinking. I'm willing to bet that it's the only football song to mention the Cockney Rejects and A Certain Ratio.