1 Angry Man - Van Morrison

A camping supplies firm goes bust. For 90 minutes.

Tedious studio-based documentary.

.

Two flatmates do tedious impressions of Terence Stamp in Superman II.

Tension in the kitchen of a Brittany restaurant.

and fails. Contains sexual swearwords.

Two flatmates do tedious impressions of Terence Stamp in Superman II

Documentary on futile attempt to get legendary goth bsnd to reform

My Week With Marilyn

Reconstruction of Mark Ellen anecdote

Of Simple Minds

Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) lives in a bedsit in Hounslow and has a temporary data entry job at British Telecom.

Skullduggery in the prison laundry.

....Kill me. Please.

Drama based on Apple designer Jonathan Ive.

Ive (Ewan MacGregor) faces a race against time. Can he increase the battery life on the iPad by twenty per cent, faced with an impossible deadline of seven months?

a giant shark accepts his domestic responsibilities !

Oooooh madeleines

Jack Nicholson turns into Michelle Pfeiffer's golden retriever.

(Based on an actual local-paper misprint.)

The Johnny B. Goode Friday
Sweet Little Rock n Rollerball
Brown Eyed Handsome Mant
The Year My Ding A Ling Broke
Roll Over Beethoven (y'know - the big dog)

A woman awakes from a coma after 42 years and doesn't know that the Beatles have split up. Her family have to pathetically reshuffle tracks from Macca and Lennon's solo albums to make her think that they're still together.

Sexual perversion and Roy Orbison lip-syncing in a toilet-roll factory.

Tom Hanks character looks into possibilty Justin Currie might be the second coming

Heavily urbanised sequel to Dolly Parton 80s office classic.

The Mahavishnu Orchestras latest noodlings send a drive time Kirk Douglas over the edge and on a spree of violence that culminates in a jazz fest

In which gangs of Oompa Loompahs, high on suspicious looking candies and thrashing around in the dark, accidentally produce some of the best music of the decade. Unfortunately overconfidence owing to the presence of "Charlie" in the Factory and the frankly foreseeable expense of sleeves containing golden tickets made from real gold results in closure. And now the Oompa Loompahs must keep re-packaging their greatest hits forever...

*edit*
My mistake, that should read Willy H. Wonka

(The great prequel)

with a nod to ISIHAC

Starring Bruce Sprinsteen

"I love the smell of plantain in the morning"

Mediocre mid-80's comedy double act try and follow up their Ken Russell debut 'Rock on, Tommy'

Daniel Craig is trapped by two eccentric old ladies.

Walter Matthau gets on a bus

A young Manchester kid dreams of a career in dancing but after meeting Graham Nash has those dreams dashed and spends his life as drummer in a pop group.

R'N'B songstress and a dog charter a hot air balloon over Prague.

A suicidal TV exec berates a bunch of bemused coal miners who are on an outing

Jobby

Bill Murray watches endless repeats of Mock The Week.

Will Humphrey Bogart's grizzled resistance veteran be able to win the heart of Mick Jagger's ex? Features Paul Henreid as a Boyzone-bothering twinkle eyed X-Factor judge and head of the police. "Louis, this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship".

One man brings the UK brewing industry to its knees by going round pubs and putting Dondestan on the jukebox.

Because when you run out of veins in your arms...

Directed by Lars Von Trier.

Fresh-faced ingenue with manly sideburns is spooked by ghost of cross-dressing Johnny Cash.

Mild-mannered Coldplay singer goes berserk when someone nicks his bike from outside the newsagent's. 12 mins.

H & Co try to find another 34 members to launch a new assault on the charts

Jim Morrison takes up ice-skating whilst falling helplessly in love wth Gwyneth

Silent movie about hapless husbands out shopping with their wives.

Film director enjoys some chocolate in front of Columbo.

A documentary about Bob Dylan's 1960's tour of Venice aided by Alan Price and a small ugly dwarf.

Biopic of Liam Gallagher

Unemployed actor finally gets work by dressing up as a funk bassist.

A hideous post-apocalyptic nightmare - coming soon to a reality near you.

Ex-Orb and KLF alumni Jimmy Cauty performs exorcisms on thirty-something professionals still boring everyone they meet about how great the Rave scene was in the early 90's.

Enjoy Ben's escapades as he attempts to negotiate a Junk through Britain's canal network.

John MacLane travels to 1960's Italy for Christmas with his estranged wife and foils a cunning dubbing conspiracy in his bare feet.

Documentary about the Teenage Virginity movement in America.

Richard Briars and Felicity Kendal reprise their tv roles as Tom and Barbara, in an unreleased x rated film version involving exotic fruit.

It's a pig of a movie.

Van Morrison gives us a tour of his Harmonica collection ...

Alien from drought-plagued planet lands near the most isolated city on earth, and thinks he's landed back on his own planet.

... Roger, David and Nick get together at the O2 (televised live) and play (for 2 hours) some of Mark E. Smith's most-loved songs.

I'm surprised Patrick hasn't embraced this thread - it seems right up his street.

Funky Blaxploitation private dick John Shaft teams up with uber-noodler John McLaughlin to solve music crimes - usually their own.

The Captain only gives them 24 hours to solve the case - though it seems to go on for-f**king-ever.

...the extra-curricular

Aliens in gym-kit.

Radio 4 whacky funster Graham Garden travels to Jamaica to work in a hairdressing salon alongside the cousin of Grateful Dead's guitarist ...

Animated story of a lonely & alienated waste-disposal robot named Roger and his futile attempts to get the band back together.

The wacky adventures of Noddy and co as they attempt to evade payment at the local curry house.

Where a Hawkwind rockumetary disolves into a variety of punch ups.

Marillion sack their vocalist.

Malcolm McLaren revolutionises the music scene with a sweary Jazz accapella group.

Bloke sits down to read Moby Dick. Several days later he finishes it. Directed by Andy Warhol.

Funky-hatted dancing POW twat foils Japanese transport engineering plans.

An ex Oxbridge grad becomes a minor pop star and record producer.

This however is just a lop-sided face he uses to conceal his real identity namely that of a bloke who grooms and fiddles with young boys.

A futuristic London is terrorised by Maths teachers.

One man's obsession with spreadable cheese gets him fired from a top law firm.

Super Strong Megatron let down by crumbly lower half.

The story of Rush.

Not even the mighty HMRC could get between a man and his goal.

"A very confusing film" Mark Kermode

Ex-Hue and Cry singer inherits a fortune and becomes a terrifyingly powerful newspaper magnate. "Looking For Linda" becomes the UK's national anthem.

Melismatic singer documents her love of the great outdoors

Film about a woman with an Irish accent who lives an a caravan in Redditch and does lots of washing.

Bambi Woods reprises her career defining role over a wet winter weekend in the Manx capital.

Legendary German film maker Herzog finds challenge of filming doomed expedition nowhere near as challenging as getting semi-naked songstress to pick a note and stick to it during a song

A long time ago, in a rockabilly sub-genre far, far away...

A truck-stop cafe is closed after several customers are hospitalised with ammonia poisoning.

... it's like Brokeback Mountain, except with a fountain.

Omar Shariff stars in a four-handed rubber played out on a river-boat in Thailand

1960: some Canadian lads play very bad rhythm and blues in a garage.

In a dystopian future, the overcrowded inhabitants of New York fall upon a nutritious new foodstuff introduced by the shadowy Sproyston Corporation. But it's made of...recycled baggy corduroys!

Tedious long-form documentary following a year in the life of Anita Dobson

A London gangster is defeated by contestants from the IRA in a pancake-tossing competition.

The Black Rebel Motor Cycle Club Diaries: Some people sit indoors in dark glasses repeatedly listening to The Jesus And Mary Chain's Psychocandy and scribbling notes.
Strictly Ballroom Blitz: Ill fated star vehicle for The Sweet. By the same director who previously flopped with Crouching Tiger, Hidden T Rex.
Rage Against The Bull: Zach De La Rocha travels to Spain to protest against the unnecessary cruelty of their national sport
Doctor Robert's Strange Love: In the twilight years of his success the lead singer from The Blow Monkeys overcomes his initial distaste for the new wave of Acid Dance. a.k.a. How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love D Mob.
Planet Of The Aphex: Really just the director's cut of the Windowlicker video. If you want to watch it it's constantly showing at Mu-ziq's emporium - Cinema Paradinas.

Fashionably disrespectful Lennon biopic.

Documentary of the little known feud between AC/DC and 80's singer, Paul. Inspired the end sequence to Reservoir Dogs.

Snoop & Nate take up watersports.

Directed by Guillermo del Amitri.

Woman ruins career by simulating orgasm while presenting TISWAS.

Sparks menacing keyboardist makes forlorn attempt to interview unco-operative Meg Ryan. Based on an idea by Nick Broomfield.

... Mick, Keef, Charlie and Brian hatch a plot to get rid of their shag-happy bassist by, quite literally, killing him.

... biopic of Jarvis Cocker and his chums - but it's all bollocks.

The lead singers of James and The Charlatans try out for the school athletics team.

Fictional story about 3 members of an up and coming blues band set in 'swinging sixties London' The boys are smitten by a stunning young girl they spot at a gig but to their dismay find she is only 15.

Her 16th birthday is only 3 weeks away so who will be the one who wins her over?

(Spoiler alert! At the end we find it has all been pointless as the band's bass player got to her some 3 years earlier!)

... Ben Dover remakes the Hitchcock classic - he strays from the original story-line slightly, by not having a window.

Robert Redford has a series of conversations in an underground car-park with a man with a large eyeball for a head.

A bloke from Greece talks Zebedee into letting him soup up the roundabout. It never works again, and Dougal, Dylan, Ermintrude and Zebedee have to go and doss in a crisis shelter, before splitting up amidst legal acrimony.

After outlaw leader Will Young is captured in a small town, his gang continue to threaten. Small-time singer Willie Nelson is persuaded to take Young in secret to the nearest town with a railway station to await the train to the court at Yuma. Once the two are holed up in the hotel to wait it becomes apparent the secret is out, and a battle of Wills starts.

The film is made by Neil Young using a small hand held video camera and makes no sense at all.

A devious ice-cream vendor bumps off his relatives one by one.

Peter Dinklage inherits a pile of envelopes.

A film about analgesics.

An unfortunate woman gets cornered in a room above a pub by a middle-aged man droning on about Nick Lowe.

Refugee decides he'd rather be in war torn Afghanistan than a black and white film, set in the 60s

After being shown Blur bass player's farm a group of visitors accidentally get locked in the big refrigerator used for cheese storeage......

Roger Moore, as James Bond 007, is sent to infiltrate the Tonypandy branch of the National Union of Miners.

Ropey, has been, self publicist Katie Price, goes under the cosmetic surgeons knife once again in a bid to resurrect her flagging public profile.

Fripp fires someone, again.

David Byrne and Tina Weymouth close down their sideline business making knock off perfumes after a visit from Trading Standards

Epic tale, spanning several miles of north London, about rival soft toy manufacturers.

Kevin Spacey has a midlife crisis, quits his job and takes to wearing a dress and crooning standards in his garage.

*Just obeying the unwritten house rule that all threads on this blog must at some point allude to this f***ing album

Grizzled cop holds a Magnum 44 to the head of a hen because he forgot if it had layed 6 eggs or just 5 !

three working class squaddies actually get served in a pub after 11.30 pm before being deployed to Afghanistan the next morning.

Greek man consumed with ultra libidinous sex virus shags his way across London.

A tale of revenge and competitive satellite TV channels on the Texas/Mexican border.

A BBC journalist with an irritating voice precipitates an economic crisis by scaring the shit out of everyone.

Strapline: "He's having the time of his life!"

Hippy romp set in a toothbrush factory.

Cliff Richard plays the over the hill, bitter, shallow, vain and gay Welsh tennis player Huw.

Huw wants one more crack at Wimbledon - he won it once many years ago but he can't accept he is now over the hill and he hates to see the younger players getting the fame and adulation he once enjoyed.

An unfortunate woman finds she can only have an orgasm while sucking a cough sweet.

Much hilarity ensues when a young woman hits the dance floor only to find she has forgotten to put any knickers on!

Ill-advised animated feature in which the widowed Queen Victoria shacks up with Granpaw Broon in the But an' Ben.

Flash goes home to visit his mum.

James Bond tries to avoid having a rectal examination.

Diamonds Are Forever
Sparks' former drummer and Van Halen's lead singer enter a pact with the devil to become immortal.

A documentary produced by and voiced by Bryan Ferry about the sales woman he visits when his fox hunting trips are unsuccessful.

Chris' home documentary of Pet Shop Boys' tour to Camberwell

Captain Beefheart falls in love with Noel Coward at a train station.

George Smiley is brought out of retirement to unmask the double agent responsible for supplying folk-rock to the Soviet spymaster, Carly.

FBI undercover agent exposes Mafia wars over table sauce trafficking.

an East German Stasi agent spies on a subversive playwright's fixation with synchronised swimming.

For no apparent reason, John Cusack transers his 180gm vinyl collection to some Sakura C60s from a charity shop.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all...

...oh bollocks, he's gone!

The Exerciseist -A young girl becomes possessed by the spirit of Mr Motivator.

Burger on The Orient Express -Agatha Christie Mystery about who killed "Big Mac"

Rashermon -A bacon Sandwich is eaten and four people give varying accounts of what they witnessed.

Dude, where's my cart? - medieval stoners lose their mode of transport,hilarity ensues.

On TV
Minder your Language -Arthur Daley opens a Language school and Terry pulls a French student whilst Chisholm investigates Racial Stereotyping in the Winchester.

ALthough I wish they did make it.

Terry Gilliam follows "Brazil" with a film about a German junkie. As with his previous film the ending is ambiguous - does Christiane really buy an ice cream van and travel to Mu Mu Land or is this a stylised metaphor for od'ing face down in a pissy gutter...

Michael Caine stars in a tale of cold war psychological intrigue as vast numbers of damp patches of cotton wool are stolen from primary school window sills.

Gordon Jackson still gets shot at the traffic lights in a Ford Zephyr.

Bio-pic of a small, bald advertising jingle writer.

Documentary following the trail of evidence linking the ex-Porridge and Rentaghost actor to the murder of Tupac Shakur.

What Roger Mellie was doing in the McCarthy era.

Thunders, Sylvain and co star in gritty drama set in a Welsh mining community

Rubber faced mute runs amok in the Lower Bronx

Three sailors sing and dance their way around Newcastle's landmarks, until they are beaten to a pulp by a gang of alco-popped-up lasses in the Bigg Market for being a bit puffy, like.

In which a Del Amitri fan wakes up on the moon after falling asleep in a Victorian inventor's Cavorite-fuelled spacecraft. He refuses to believe he has been transported to our nearest heavenly neighbour in the company of Lionel Jeffries,claiming instead that it's a special-effects based conspiracy.

A fresh-faced born-again Cliff Richard travels round Europe in a double-decker bus with a young Abu Qatada, played by a blacked-up Melvyn Hayes.

They go where the sun shines brightly, they go where the sea is blue, they go where they can ritually slaughter livestock whilst ensuring a swift, deep incision that cuts the front of the throat, the carotid artery, wind pipe and jugular veins but leaves the spinal cord intact.

Music by Cliff & The Shadows.

In which the Felt / Denim / Go Kart Mozart mainman joins Cheb Khaled to work on a new soundtrack to accompany the Lawrence Of Belgravia short film in the Egyptian market.

"Witless and tuneless; I expect to find hooky copies going for less than a dirham in the souks within days." - Kermode.

Marlon Brando pops out for a fizzy drink

Ted Danson, Tom Selleck and Steve Guttenberg unsuccessfully try to get off with the checkout woman at the local discount supermarket.

Richard Dreyfuss plays a proctologist whose most prolific patient moves in with his family, resulting in hilairious inappropriateness aplenty

Heavily made-up nuclear scientist buys a synthesizer and destroys the world.

Frankie Howerd tries his luck with a man in a bear suit

Set in the 1980s; the British Prime Minister creates a futuristic battle suit to combat the forces against her.

Lawrence Of Arabica
An unconventional army officer opens a gormet coffee cart.

Bespectacled Irish singer demonstrates coffee making for beginners.

Thrills, spills and laughs aplenty in a cinematic retelling of young Bill Bruford's rise to fame.

Hardcore documentary set in a sleazy Brooklyn club during the New York Biggest D**k eliminators.

Boyish singer songwriter Gilbert O'Sullivan goes on the trail of a fruit thief.

London Evening Standard "Nothing Rhymed!"

Fruitless search for the bland 80s boy band.

David Byrne stars as a cop-killing panel-beater campaigning against unnecessary car chases.

Sales Assistant tries to get promotion in cut-price clothes chain

Epic tale of a Sicilian family's unstoppable rise and eventual domination of the fish and chip trade. (Their rivals get a right battering along the way.)

James Bond has to find a copy of a hard to get Statutory Instrument.

David Byrne demands that his bandmates expel flatulence outside the dressing room.

Ingmar Bergman's retelling of Jekyll & Hyde story starring red-haired Lib Dem MP.

Bemulletted Californian teenagers take on Soviet-backed African tribesmen. With hilairious consequences.

Documentary tracking the erstwhile monarch's visionary, before it's time, but ultimately ill-fated, attempt to form a ska band.

Tea Party Vampires [tautology alert]

Billy Crystal and Robert De Niro shove things up their bottoms.

Lewis Collins commands a crack team of SAS trouser-wideners.

"You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding, you don't kneel before me..."

Yes I agree that really is enough.

You ever wanted to know about the Mahavishnu Orchestra.... but were too afraid to ask

Unconvincing Scotsmen invade Earth using discarded porridge dishes.

Pint-sized musician seduces members of his band

Rom-com/fantasy/biopic - who knows? , who cares?

Sidney Poitier meets meals on wheels

Heston Blumenthal's sci-fi shocker

Washington state suffers from a disastrous blight on its turnip harvest.

Arsene Wenger and his team fly home after 4-0 defeat in Milan.

An angel agrees with a compassionate but disillusioned businessman that life really is shit and helps him to commit suicide at Christmas.

.

About a crap maze which does not attract many tourists

The ageing male population is deprived of its favourite music

Movie classic charting rise and fall of Irish midfielder. Contains iconic Alf-Inge Haaland scene, dog walking scene and unforgettable prawn sandwich monologue. True genius !

Sean Connery & Roger Moore have a week in the wine region of California

A documentary history of the lumbar puncture.

Bono and the gang discover a love of the bouzouki and visit Demis Roussos' House

Jack Bruce & Ginger Baker star as two ageing and embittered ex-vaudevillle musicians lured out of retirement for one last show.

Jack (on Ginger): As a drummer, nobody could touch him. As a human being - nobody wanted to touch him!

Virginia Wade and Andrew Castle bicker with each other over drinks in front of the horrified Andy Murray and Elena Baltacha

Jurgen Prochnow is the manager of a chemist in Monchengladbach

In which a host of much-loved characters are killed in WW2 fighter planes.

Terrence Stamp IS the man behind the curtain.

Music by Roy Wood

Tracey Emin and Damien Hirst invent increasingly elaborate schemes to escape from a Nazi prisoner of war camp in the London Borough of Hackney - one of which wins the Turner Prize.

The Gallagher Brothers star as two ex-professional boxing champions who work as Cabin Crew whilst studying for their psychology exams.

Stars a man in a blue shirt

Leader of the Decepticons (Lou Reed) has a fight with Optimus Mime (David Bowie) over who will pay for dinner. Things get Vicious.

The 17.18 from Redhill makes it to the big smoke with no rail related mishaps on the way.

Attempt to emulate The Magical Mystery Tour but with a train journey. Interspersed with surreal fantasy sequences featuring Van and his music.

Two ladies in sensible shoes go on walking holiday, or , alternatively a grim but folksy 'Oirish' drama about poverty, sickness , drunken abusive fathers and high child mortality.

Woman exits tube train to find a sale on at Brent Cross!

Liverpudlian woman falls in love with the voice of her satellite navigation system and writes an overheated letter to the manufacturers demanding to know the name and address of the voice artist. Unsurprisingly, they don't co-operate.

Contains references and other.

Lots of stuff about the proletariat. And it's six hours long. With subtitles

Sylvester Stallone plays French poet.

Ric Ocasek loses his band

In which Winston Smith (Dermot O'Leary) plays hide and seek with a tyrannical, ranting dictator (Davina McCall). Ends with him falling through a memory hole, forgetting about the whole thing, going for a pint with his illicit lover Julia (Brian Dowling) and ending up rat-faced.

..Frat boys swap c.d,s and eat cake whilst having a toga party.

Jack Sparrow tries to find his central core.