Yes I know. Unlike Eccles cakes, they are unambiguously shit. They are full of salt and leave a nasty taste/texture in the cakehole. I think it's because I used to sup 'em a lot in my early teenage years. I think I'm having the cheapest mid-life crisis imaginable.

I had a mini pork pie on the way back from Waitrose the other day. Bad move. I know I'll have another next time I go. Do they put crack in them?

now that the weather's turned. I do this every year until I'm sick of the stuff.

I know the health risks but they are my...coronary artery disease contributing food of choice.

But I only eat them 3-4 times a year!

So I reckon i will survive.

where has it been all my life?

Yes in the sea, probably

MMMMMmmmmmmmmhhhhh healthy sweets.

didn't you bring one for me...."

Having studiously avoided contact with them for over 50 years, I recently was recently persuaded to try one after having performed my godfatherly duties for my delightful 4 year old nephew Lewis. Strangely, despite the apparently Scottish heritage of Empire Biscuits, my epiphany occurred in the lovely Yorkshire village of Clayton West. Baked by Sarah (mother of Lewis), the 4 I had went down a treat with lashings of coffee. I even persuaded Sarah to bake another batch before I left Yorkshire to return to Scotland a few days later. Email requests for new supplies are currently being studiously ignored.

Made by a company called Willy Wonka, sold from a stand in the shopping precinct at Bury promising "American import candies."

£1.50 a box, regularly polished off in an afternoon.

They're hardly everlasting but they taste bloody lovely.

Porridge.

Made with milk. Not sugared but laced with either a smidge of honey or maple syrup.

My mother once made me porridge when I was very young. It appalled me. It was slimy, tasteless, newly poured concrete to my junior tastes. Consequently I wouldn't entertain the stuff for over 25 years.

Then I sneaked a taste of a bowlful my wife had made herself a while ago. Angels started singing.

I have to have it at least once a week now and it has become a genuine treat.

The king of savoury pickles - great with roast dinners and sublime with cheese.

I'm mad keen on chopped herring as well - they do a very nice chopped herring in M&S, great on a fresh bagel.

There's only so much Granola a man can eat

And I also polished off an entire bag of Cadbury's Chocolate Eclairs the other night. All by myself.

I feel a yearning for mint Viscount biscuits coming on. Crinkly green foil and everything.

As served in St. John Restaurant. It's a really great pairing and absolute minimum of prep.

Warning... might clog arteries even more.

Shredded York cabbage, steamed, with smoked bacon bits.
I might try sprouts next.

When crumpets just aren't crispy enough

Totally unhealthy and have the potential to cause catastrophic damage to my crumbling teeth every time I pop one into my mouth, but I can barely drive past a shop that I know sells them! Help me!

Homemade, tinned, restaurant side dish: Can't get enough of it.