"Apologies to my wife. She was correct about the dress code. I can't see anyone else in here (Westminster Abbey) wearing a replica shirt."

Absolutely hilarious stuff.

Masterful. He's the reason Twitter was invented; in your face, Stephen so-called Fry!

Reception getting less and less salubrious by the minute. Thought this was queue for tables. Turns out to be queue for trays. Trays!

Enormous queues to get at tables now. Wife bit miffed reception not as "exclusive" as I'd boasted. Just saw Aston Villa.

Shuffling along line-up of food. Its hard to see what's coming and am passing things I quite like. Whoa! Todd Rundgren being thrown out.

This is not what I imagined. Walking about with tray of cold stroganoff trying to find a table. And its SO noisy. Are there TWO receptions?

Sachets of sauce! The last straw. Thought we must have wandered in wrong reception but just saw Princess Anne. It really is just big cafe.

Now I know there's a secret "proper" reception somewhere. It wasn't Princess Anne we saw but Leo Sayer. People already drifting away here.

Private Reception Menu: Jellied Grapes, Bung Ho In Syrup, Dahomey Mushroom, Nocnocs, Witchita Lineman, Horse Peas, Yops-Forced-Under-Mica.

To Follow: Bolivian Ginger, Dwarf Whelks, Gillick, Oyster-In-Ointments, Raven Egg Coulee, Marsha Hunt, Ripened Delta Kwak, Iced Bowie Eyes.

From The Trolley: Echo Bread w/ Butter Jelly, Cough-killer, Wrapped Umber, 39/6, Ridicule de Ganache, Boot Halves, Clergyman's Roe On Toast.

And..

Mole at Reception: Goody bags include: Spa voucher, walnuts, silver money clip, T-shirt, compass, pen & quarter bottle of Greil Marcus '57.

Mole says first record DJ has put on at Royal disco is "Hi Ho Silver Lining". and it's DYING. I'm sure it is - he's gone too early there.

DJ really struggling. EW&F's "Fantasy" followed by Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein" then "Karma Chameleon". This guy sounds all over the place.

Oldies empty dance floor at Palace. Kraftwerk's "The Model"? Melba Moore's "This Is It"? Now "You Can't Touch This"? Where's the flow there?

Oh OK. Now it makes sense. Not a DJ at all but just some cassette Prince Andrew has brought along. Dulling the room now with Haircut 100.