the good folk of Hampshire?

"Takes chip from shoulder, admires way it catches light, polishes it lovingly and returns to shoulder"

Reality TV Show show following the travails of a selected group of people from North Lanarkshire, known as "The Buckfast Triangle" because most of the tonic wine produced by the monks of Buckfast Abbey is consumed there.

From violent neds from Cumbernauld, to single mothers from Airdrie and the just plain struggling from Coatbridge all human life in its infinite misery is there.

Warning, may contain religious bigotry. Also may require subtitles.

... is unlikely to become the new Essex, and for that I can only be grateful.

Round 'ere we still point at cars...

There's an element in these kinds of programmes which is belittling to those involved, and by extension, the communities in which they grow up. It's just like that 'Big Fat Gypsy Weddings' programme on Channel 4 - fascinating in many ways, and certainly quite entertaining, but essentially it boils down to pointing and laughing at these people for not being like us. And there's something rather uncomfortable about that. Particularly if these programmes are being made by and for people outside these communities, and serve to reinforce various stereotypes. Even if the stereotypes are an accurate reflection of reality, there's a bigger picture that broadcasters aren't really interested in which is never reflected in their programmes.

A reality TV series about young people in Devon, learning to drive in a field or on the beach, being amazed at the height of Debenhams in Exeter, sucking 2p coins in order to fool the breathalyzer after a low speed police chase following a night on the turps...

Spawning a new national catchphrase - 'where you to, my handsome?' - which becomes an acceptable way for men to greet their friends in public

deserves a chance to fight back...after being lampooned by Betjeman and Ricky Gervais (who's from Whitley Wood so has nothing to be snobby about...) it's now the constant butt of many a wag's hilarious repartee. If I had a quid for every time I was on a train as it pulls into Slough and some toff going to Henley On Thames says "Oh, look girls, it's Sluff, move on quickly please driver"...I'd have, well nothing really as nobody has said exactly those words but you know what I mean...
There was even a lobby by residents of Windsor and Maidenhead actively trying to get their postcode changed away from the "SL" pre-fix so as not to be tainted by their grubby neighbour.

It suffers from borderline racism too, yes, it's multicultural, but to hear some of the comments along the "how do you live there being the minority?" line, and far worse, are sometimes, actually not borderline but yes just damn racist.

But overall it's just bit frustrating that whenever it appears in the media it's with a negative connotation - I remember my mum calling me a couple of years ago "oh, I saw your street on the tele last night", "What was that mum, Midsomer Murders?", "No, Police Camera Chase Chavs on BBC3, or was it ITV2..."

Anyway, things are improving, they are demolishing the famous (and hideous) bus station seen in the opening scenes of The Office and replacing it with a sleek modern station. Cross Rail will apparently double our house-prices and we are going to get "tree-lined boulevards"! Plus we will get a new library and community centre, and we have a huge Tesco AND a Sainsburys and errr...OK I'm struggling a bit now.

So, I'd like a programme to redress the balance, showing the good work of the local community cowering beneath those "friendly bombs" of media sarcasm and snobbishness!

A riveting investigation into the disturbing phenomenon of socks worn with sandals. Featuring an in depth interview with the bloke I saw the other day wearing these with a pair of It Ain't Half Hot Mum shorts over which he was sporting a tweed jacket and a shirt and tie. Whilst walking a dachshund.

A series following the lives of a group of twenty-somethings in the Norfolk town of Diss.

What it's like to live in the Outer Hebrides.

Women with cardigans over their shoulders in pub gardens suffer in silence as their portly, rugby-shirted ruddy faced estate agent partners bray about the stag weekend they've just been on with Charlie, Jamie and David.

Meanwhile, a woman at a bus stop talks very loudly on a mobile phone.

On the estate, now 80% privately-owned, a trustafarian plots the route of his salad delivery service.

I was brought up in Essex, so I have no need to watch TOWIE and never have.

I now live in Crouch End, so, to be fair, most of the BBC and Twitter's output appears to be based on where I live (if it is not wittering about N16 instead).

Well-brought up young men and women from Cheltenham College and Cheltenham Ladies are given industrial quantities of LSD and peyote and airdropped into the Hesters Way Estate smeared in black face paint and the blood of the innocent. Their mission: to try and purchase 10 Lambert And Butler and a 2L bottle of White Lightning from Pound Saver without being detected and/or rent limb-from-limb by the terrifying denizens of Cheltenham's heart of darkness.

Tagline: SAME TOWN. ANOTHER WORLD.

The horror...

after 27 years in SW, W and TW postcode areas and can honestly say that in the 14 years I've been out this way, NEVER seen a stereotypical "Essex" character. No white heels, no Wayne and Trace, no souped up XR3i's either...I simply don't recognise the people from TOWIE as anyone I interact with or see on a day to day basis

Basildon however....

"Suffolk n' Good," a half-hour documentary about the lovely folk who inhabit Suffolk*

*Disclaimer: will not involve Ipswich.

A series on the small Ecclesfield suburb renowned for its sword dancing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grenoside

Like your vowels flat? Do you have a total disregard for the definite article? Or are you just a gormless article? Either way, don't miss Sheffield Steal, a 6 part documentary about everyday copper cable thieves in South Yorkshire, coming soon to t'BBC.

These poor people haven't had a decent football team since World War II and their local supermarkets even have an "8 teeth or less" express lane, but at least they know the price of Burberry.

Produced by some posh bastard from "That" London, narrated by Sean Bean and Mick McCarthy (sub-titles available) soundtrack by Jarvis Cocker, Arctic Monkeys and Reverend & t'Makers.

"I urge you to see this programme" - Rob Fitzpatrick, Word Magazine

*Grenoside, a suburb of Sheffield

Where Alan Carr as the modern day Frankie Howerd tries to stage a Roman farce among the concrete monstrosities surrounding Commercial Road.
The cast is made up of various burger munching teenagers trying to outdo each other in the number of zits and the largest waistline.
Teeth by Lenny Law.

As I'm sure JoLean, my fellow member of the Crouchie Clique, will confirm, our part of the world gets knocked for being more or less everything that Essex is not.

Which is a burden we must bear as we make the rounds of our boutique bakeries and coffee shops contemplating whether the loss of our book shop can ever be truly compensated for by its replacement, an ice cream parlour delivering handmade, multi flavoured semi frozen desserts.

Regulars at Bettys tea rooms, in Ilkley, go on a crash course in grime DJ-ing, rename themselves Cream T and Butt Her D'Scone and rap about the perils of getting raisins in their false teeth.

Join Bolton's non-yummy mummies in the precinct, where the young ladies – attired in ill-fitting sportswear and crop tops – show off their spare tyres and feed chips to toddlers in prams.

Later that evening, in the taxi queue on Bradshawgate, they inspire baleful cries of 'she's not worth it mate' among drunken men fighting on the pavement.

(Alice in Wonderland, you see?)

A camera crew follows the admittedly unremarkable travails of any young lady living in the perfectly hospitable village I grew up in just outside Newcastle.

It wouldn't work mainly because Ponteland isn't pronounced how you may think, in the same rhythm as 'wonderland'. The 'e' sound in the middle is stressed and elongated. Anyone heard calling it 'Pontyland' are ritually sacrificed in The Blackbird car park.

It's fucken great, man!!!!!

A brief series following locals of the Surrey town gamely trying to avoid squadrons of over-enthusiastic students dressed in branded, splashproof jackets who will encourage them into setting up direct-debits to good causes.

Each week the initial group of 10 contestants will be whittled down by a panel consisting of Glynis Barber (tv's "Makepeace"), Monty Don and Chris Choi off of Watchdog, based on how much they manage to keep their outgoings down over each episode.

A documentary in which Mecca Bingo open a high class hall in Hertfordshire.

A series based on the Quieter pubs of Stoke-on-Trent.

A short series in which we try to find the only under 65 year-olds in the village (that's us by the way!)and watch while they moan about the new Costa in the Main Street.

And a one-hour special on the refurbished Beach Shelter.

You get some red-coat/farming types to run a farming commune with a couple of Glastonbeardy spirit freaks, throw in some yoofs from a council estate in Bridgwater, and get some upmarket organic second-home lefties to join in with the muckspreading.

Other working titles:
The Somerset Levellers
Tor Vale and Deane
Mendipendence Day

Car-crash, enmity, no one gets out of the programme un-detested (except for some yokel with a refreshingly simplistic outlook who's fond of scrumpy).

..Oh wait. We already have The Archers. And River Cottage.

In which 'Joey' Burke and 'Darren' Head, two unemployed twentysomethings from the Wirral, overcompensate for the fact that they 'almost but not quite' come from Liverpool, by adopting impenetrably overinflected Scouse accents, hanging around Flanagan's Apple and the Pen & Wig trying (and failing) to pick up unimpressed shop assistants from the Dingle and Kenny. With hilarious consequences.

Finedon, I'm In Love

Romance blossoms on the outskirts of Wellingborough as ITV broadcast a programme about Weddings, Engagements and Dates in a Finedon. May contain nudity.

Twenty-Four Hours From Towcester

It's Saturday, and Lewis Hamilton is supposed to be at Silverstone Motor Racing Circuit tomorrow for the Big Race. Will he make it on time, or will his hired Renault Clio breakdown somewhere on the A43/M1?

Geddington Owe You

Fed-up of owing money to debt-collectors, drug-dealers, landlords and the government? Well all that's about to change in Geddington...

Desborough Housewives

Whilst their husbands are at work, the housewives of Desborough make use of the day by doing the household chores, watching daytime television and making sure the dinner is ready for when their man walks through the door later that evening.

Murcott On The Dancefloor

The boys and girls of Murcott go out clubbing once a month. Channel 4 is their to film all the sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll shenanigans that goes on in this sleepy hamlet town. Warning: May not contain nudity.

Rushton Ruffians

A spin-off from the successful Murcott on the Dancefloor, Channel 4 now follows a group of teenagers as they try to find things to do in a town that has nothing going for it before they have to go to bed at 11pm. Cigarettes are smoked by under-age children, shops are protected by gangs of youths and chewing-gum is spat on the pavement.

Coming soon:

Roade To Ruin and Upton Girl.

of the toilet of the small Kentish town. There's all manner of shit inside it.

Where residents of the County Durham value are patronised and felt sorry for by those living in leafy Middle England

Celebrity Big Brother, staged on Orkney

Or they could do it on Shetland instead: there's one there too.

An expose of the lifestyle of the lesser spotted Black Country Dingles.

Could your region be the new Essex?

A new Workington would be nice.

Its like the isle of Wight - but not as trendy

I feel like I have lived here 50 years.

I moved here in 96.

When I return from a weekend away, I have to turn my watch back 40 years.