but - it is a person on the other end - doing a thankless job for poor pay. Even chickens are free range now - but call centre workers get less freedom.

A polite but firm refusal usually works.

What really annoys me are the automated calls - with a recorded message when you pick up.

Why firms thinks these might increase "engagement" with their customers is beyond me.

My phone, my house, and uninvited intruders can expect to be repulsed with some force.
Which is why I signed up to www.tpsonline.org.uk . It really does work and I get maybe 1 cold call every 6 months.

the person on the other end probably wants to make the call just as much as you want to receive it. They're just doing their job and as long as they're polite and courteous to you, there's no reason not to be the same towards them.

Imagine how spirit crushing it would be if someone started shouting and swearing at you when you were talking to them. Yes, it's a nuisance and we'd all rather not have them, but they're not a huge problem in the grand scheme of things.

More worryingly, however, is that the tactic of cold calling must actually work to an extent, otherwise companies wouldn't use it.

... then they were probably the unruly, disruptive element who made life hard for the rest of us at school, before buggering off with no qualifications, then hanging around outside the school gates, cherry-picking the best-looking girls from the lower years.

And now is when we get our revenge.

Bemusement.
I pretend to be an Edwardian gent, who has no real concept of how the telephone works.
They soon hang up.

I receive quite a few cold calls during work. An increasing trend I notice (in fact in the vast majority of cases) is the opening line - 'how are you today?'. It seems churlish to complain about this nicety, but it has the opposite effect on me to the one intended. We both know the score - they are calling to offer a product or service of some kind. I don't see why they can't just come straight out with 'Hello, I'm from___. We provide____. I wonder if this is something you'd be interested in?

Simples, innit?

I did it years ago, and it works. Can't remember the name of the site, but if you google 'cold call opt out' or something like that, you can too.

Failing that, Seinfeld dealt with it well. Something along the lines of, "I'm a bit busy now. Give me your home number and I'll call you later".

'Oh, you don't? Well how do you think I like it?"

"Never call me again, goodbye." usually does the trick.

This never fails. In fact it produces the worst kind of response from the caller - from phone straight down to (at best) a mumbled goodbye.

I do generally try to be polite but everyone has off days. When they ask "how are you today" I reply "I'm not too good actually" and this then throws them off their script.
It is a lousy job, my son did it for a while and he was surprised how many people he rang just wanted to talk which is quite sad really.

Yes, sign up, and it does reduce the calls, and if you get one then just mention TPS and they usually back off.

Occasionally you get a really smug one who claims that they are not covered by TPS. Then I feel I have permission to dust off my most foul and abusive language.

However, I have seen call centres in action and they really are the new sweat shops. Starting times, time on the phone, time for a call, toilet breaks, all are regulated to the hilt. Union reps are threatened. Meanwhile, the systems they use are rubbish, and to add insult to injury they are surrounded by posters and noticeboards dripping with the most insultingly crass positivism.

No, I may be having a bad day, but probably not as bad as their day. I will not make it any worse if I can possibly avoid it.

I just keep saying "hello?" in a silly accent, as if I can't hear them. It's amazing how long some people hold on for, getting increasingly agitated until they hang up on you.

My wife and I made a game out of it in our old flat where we were besieged by cold callers. We would get points for the length of time we could keep them on the line with the 'hello?' angle. Then extra points would be applied depending on the state of agitation.

Anybody getting cold calls should try it.

Oh and by the way, the opt out services don't work if you've been a customer with the company - like for instance British Gas. Because that is implied consent for them to call you and the law can't stop them in that situation.

After a brief "No thank you' while they're in the midst of their scripted introductory spiel.

I make an effort not to be impolite, but it's my time they're taking up not theirs and if they catch me at a bad time for me then a few have taken the consequence. Crap job it may be but they took it. As a colleague of mine, rather unkindly I thought, would sometimes say. 'Should have stuck in at school then, shouldn't they?'

I used to work for a large telco and though not involved in the call centre/customer care aspect I worked close to them. In all honesty most of them I knew really did not care how impolite peeved customers could be with them. An element of annoyance is taken as read and training was given on how to deal with stroppy members of the public and how to maintain their own dignity. After a while they simply got used to it. A duck's back/water scenario

None of that excuses bad behaviour towards these people. Do as you would be done by. As often as possible.

within the opening sentence if they are a nice or annoying cold caller. If they are nice, a polite no thank you has never failed to work. If they are annoying, either, ask them why they have phoned as you have registered with the Telephone Preference Service or ask them to hold and put the phone down.

Put the phone aside and go back to whatever you were doing. They'll do their whole script - the idea is not to pause to let you say no - and then say hello? a few times before they realise you've gone.

You haven't been rude to the poor kid on the phone and you've saved several other households from having their dinner interrupted.

I once used a satisfying put down to a cold-caller who wanted to know if I was interested in, or had ever considered, buying a conservatory. I said that I had always wanted a conservatory and asked how much they cost. He outlined a range of splendid and horribly expensive models, but all the fees for the architects, builders etc would be included in the "bargain price". Was I interested? I said I was, but I did not think my neighbours would approve. He then went on about planning permission - there was really nothing for me to worry about. I mentioned there was one thing that might be an issue - I lived in a 2nd floor flat! He hung up...

I've found a reasonable order of events to be
1. Go X Directory
2. Sign up to the Telephone Preference Service
3. Issue a polite "no thank you" and something like "it's really inconvenient as I'm eating/have visitors" etc.
4. Tell them I belong to the Consumers Association and have access to plenty of advice on dealing with nuisance callers.

5. and I only did this once in an extreme situation with a particularly obnoxious caller ... put the radio onto a talk station, place the handset next to said radio, walk away, finish dinner, do the washing up and make a pot of tea. It screwed up their outgoing line for over half an hour to the extent that the centre supervisor called later in the evening to remonstrate. At this point he got both barrels about "No" meaning "No" even after the 12th time and the story of a previous encounter with one of their sales team who had accused me of lying.

Oh, and if they are selling conservatories, say you live in a first floor flat and you are more than willing to consider any proposal they may wish to put forward. #Edit# Sorry dlusher just spotted your conservatory comment above - it does work though!

I tell them I am happy to answer their questions but they must accept that I will impersonate a Dalek throughout our conversation. I've had some wonderful times

"I'm sorry, they're not in at the moment. Can I take a message for you?"

Has yet to fail me. Bizarrely they say they'll call back. But never do.

And others I have used:

"Can you call back when I've got some clothes on?"

"I don't really spend enough for you to save me any money"

"I looked it up on the internet and I'd actually pay more with your company"

"I'm quite happy the way God made me thankyou"

and one that really flumoxes them:

"No, it is I who would like to save YOU money today."

I'm getting twice or thrice daily phonecalls from 08451110272. I answered a couple of times and the first time there was no-one on the other end. The second time I was informed they were calling on behalf of Scottish Power to offer me savings on my gas and leccie. I told them the very low price I already pay and they started on their sales pitch only to be cut off (not by me.)

I looked up the number and it seems it is a call centre used by a number of companies, not just Scottish Power, and other people who have received calls have experienced similar things - calls cut off for no reason etc. It seems that either the callers or their managers are instructed to terminate calls if it doesn't look like they're going to turn out as they want, which is to say, profitably. For them.

I take the point that these are people doing crappy jobs and that they shouldn't have to suffer abuse. Most likely they have no choice but have to do exactly as they're told or they will lose their jobs. When I worked in a bookshop I had to ask every customer I served if they wanted to sign up for a newsletter - I hated doing it and some customers hated being asked, but it was a case of do it or get into trouble.

A better approach than abusing the cold callers would be to target the organisations that use them - tell them that you don't like this approach, be as candid as you like. If they get enough complaints and negative feedback they will rethink their practices. Unfortunately, in these straightened times, companies have a duty to increase their business, and this is a method that has been shown to work.

When I was at uni I worked in a call centre during holidays and evenings to make ends meet - it was the worst time of my life.

Having people tell you to fuck off piped straight into your ear solidly for 12 hours straight is absolutely soul destroying. I'd have nightmares about it all the time.

Because of this I always make sure I treat people with respect and politeness.

on caller display, then I don't answer. If it's important, a message will be left. Mrs M and myself were talking about this the other day, remarking that the only calls we get to our landline now are cold calls, none of our friends use our landline only the mobiles...even my mother has finally mastered the mobile phone

...it's an irritation and unwelcome intrusion. I'm not rude but they get short shrift.

Put handset down next to radio in kitchen, turn radio on. Leave it a few minutes. Doesn't stop you getting calls, but it's mildly amusing.

get blocked by TPS etc? I

I don't get many cold callers but I do pick up the phone and after a shoirt pause get the recorded messages. It helps that you can tell them to fuck off w\o fear of upsetting the recordings feeling.

and its always when I'm cooking me tea too.

answer in English, which as I live in Spain normally means they give up pretty quick. Sometimes the really polite ones offer to get an English speaker to call me back - but as my ruse is that I don't speak Spanish, I wouldn't really understand that they'd been so thoughtful.

I'm not sure it's worth learning Spanish to try the reverse in the UK though...

Get an answerphone and sign up with TPS. Never ever does a cold caller leave a message. You only need the landline for broadband. I assume if every one had an answerphone the whole cold call game would be finished. My preference would be cleaning toilets rather than work in a call centre.

Sorry,

Forgot to mention I once had a call from an obviouse recording from the US for Florida holidays. It went round the tapeloop again and again and..... until I swithced the phone off!

...the caller says something along the lines of: "this is not a sales call" or "this is just a courtesy call", I always say: "I'm sorry, but I'm only taking sales calls at the moment".

If I'm feeling particularly mean, I'll say: "that sounds great, I was just about to start looking for new windows for the whole house. Maybe you could give me a few prices. Could you just hold on a sec while I put the dog in the other room though?", before placing the receiver alongside the phone and finishing my dinner (or whatever), safe in the knowledge that the phone will not ring again until I'm ready to be disturbed.

I was accosted on the Tube over 20 years ago and my response was "I'm sorry, I don't speak english" but said in english. The person just walked away, and I was very amused - still am!

As a variation on the speaking english in Spain it might be fun to try...

I plan to launch into a tale of woe and aches the next time a complete stranger asks how I am today.

There is an extreme reaction, which if properly applied is not only a fair response, but an extremely satisfying one, albeit a little dangerous...

I am TPS, but not ex-directory and find it works very well. This also means that if anyone does cold call you from the UK, you know they are breaking the law, and hence, to an extent, "fair game" in respect of how you react.

We got a series of calls from the same company trying to sell us a new kitchen, and each time they tried to tell me that I wasn't listed on TPS, and promised to take my name off their database. After the 15th (seriously) call I hit on a scheme where their persistence would cause them inconvenience and perhaps persuade them to stop calling me. (Crucially, they didn't have the right name for me, or my address)...

"Yes, that sounds like a great offer. How could I find out more?"
"Send a rep round? Yes, OK. When?"
"Yes, that would be fine."
"OK my address is "

The next call you get is someone confirming the details. And the one after that is someone in a car trying to find you. To this person you explain:
"You have called me times, and every time I tell you I'm not interested and you promise not to call again. Now I hope you will feel inclined to do something about it. This is what it feels like having your time wasted. If you call me again, I'll do the same again."

This produced an outflow of anger, which, in the circumstances, washed over me, and hopefully found its way to the call centre.

I have received no more calls.

... for any Jehovah's Witness that would come calling.

"I'd love to chat", he'd say "But I'm just off out to give blood"

REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please....'

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off ( instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset .... you have efficiently completed your task.

These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

3: When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.

Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express ... they might need one!

Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... in case their canteen packs up. You get the idea.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form ... after all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all ... you are just returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks ..... we need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it ... Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe you'll get very little junk mail anymore.

Just as an aside to "they deserve everything they get"

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/why-are-so-many-france-te...

This piece in the Independent makes some claims about the workplace stress involved in working in direct sales callcentres.

Regardless of how much creedence you choose to give the french case, the operators anywhere deserve the same peace & dignity you'd like yourselves.

when we get the cold callers, i have in the past asked if i could call them back, when they are at home, and could i have their home number.
once i even got a woman on the phone from india to give me her mobile number, so that i could have "sexy talk" with her(i didn't call, my missus was listening in the room, in fits of laughter!).
i had one lad on the phone asking me about "mobile phones" and i pretended to be some old bloke who was a bit deaf and thought he was asking me if i had a "mobile home"... i had him on the line for about 15 minutes, getting more and more frustrated "well, do you use a MOBILE PHONE in your caravan, then?" he kept asking, until he worked out it was a wind-up...
i love 'em, endless hours of amusment, and THEY phone me to get abuse.
it's great.

our number was misprinted in an old phonebook as a bus company.
so on saturdays, i get old people phoning up.
this happens a lot, i usually pretend they have called a brothel and ask them which "services" they want.

...but my company gets bugged by at least one of these bastards every f*@%ing day!!!

Our secretaries are now good at rebuffing them, even if the callers use the old sales technique of asking for me by just my first name. If it's an unfamiliar name, they have to explain why they want to speak to me. Occasionally, they slip through the net and I end up having to waste my precious time speaking to them.

And, they tell lies. Or they don't tell you the whole truth. Recently, after fairly endless discussions with a chatty Glaswegian guy about our phone tariffs, I thought I was on to a large potential saving. When I said yes, he passed me through to the a colleague who was to do the checks and customer satisfaction survey or some such bollocks. It was only then, after wasting half an hour of my time that I found out we'd be tied in for 3 years! I was livid and told them where to stick it!

I have no compunction about being rude if I have to be. I'm busy. I didn't ask to be called. If they can't be straight with me, they deserve nothing but my contempt, I'm afraid.

As for doorstep cold callers. We've got a 'No hawkers or traders and no religious callers' sign on our house. Haven't had the Mormons or Jehovahs round in ages! Sorted!

... while out shopping to answer the street / shopping centre marketing call of "Sir, can I ask you a question?" with the retort "You just have..." and wander off into the horizon.

...Oh, go on, you know you want to and we'd love to know what reply/reaction you got!

I haven't done this one yet, but I plan to do so at some stage.

Answer the phone with "your call is in a queue. we value your custom. please hang on to speak to one of our operators."

Then put the phone next to the stereo. See how long it is before they hang up.