Entertainment For Lively Minds
Bring me the head of ITV!
Posted by Vince Black on 23 January 2012 - 2:31pm.
My GLW and our Daughter in Law were chatting yesterday about our respective family Sunday catering arrangements. DiL said "Now that Dancing on Ice is on.."
I mistakenly thought she said "Now that Downton on Ice is on.."
Then it occurred to me. That can't be very far away can it? Monkey Tennis anyone?
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It would be hardly any more ridiculous...
...if it WERE on ice.
How about "Holmes Under The Hammer" with Martin Roberts as Sherlock? "We'll be finding out how these crimes were solved...[quiffy wink, gormless grin]...later in the show."
Holmes Under The Hammer
My first thought was of people beating upon the talent vacuum that is Eamon of that ilk.
Holmes Under the Hammond
Weaselly Top Gear presenter gives Benedict Cumberpatch a bedtime surprise.
...
Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank?
Chris Eubank
obviously taken over from previous host, Gary Glitter.
Strictly Come Dine With Me
Same as Strictly Come Dancing, but with (even) more drunkenness and spray-tans.
Strictly Come Off It, Mate
Dave Arch conducts the "Strictly" house band in a series of good-humoured arguments about football and immigration, all washed down with a glass or two of strong pale ale.
I think Peter Kay was ahead
I think Peter Kay was ahead of you on this one!
Rude Tube Drivers
Employees of London Transport swear at people and draw winkies on everything. Subtitles on 888.
The Only Way Is Ethics
Putting some good old-fashioned backbone into reality TV.
Big Blubber
The world's rarest whales are rounded up, chucked in a hot-tub in north London and left to die while we watch from the comfort of our corner-unit couches.
Surely Big Blubber
is one of those diet shows featuring morbidly obese people?
Been done...
I was looking for something refreshingly new and educational. Chortle.
Buzzcock the Neverminds
Pete Shelley and Steve Diggle share a house with a Nirvana tribute band.
Take Me Bins Out
We follow Paddy McGuinness's fascinating weekly waste disposal and recycling routine.
University Drop-Out Challenge
Startling footage of young people telling their appalled parents that uni just, like, isn't working out, so I'm jus' gonna live at home frever, yeah?
Celebrity Masterthief
Hosted by Anthony Whatsisname Thompson. No, I can't say that, can I?
That has almost unlimited potential....
Davina McCall hosting from the metal benches from some pedestrianised High Street with a couple of celebrity contestants. Davina has a set of five envelopes with a name of a famous High Street retailer. Each celeb gets to choose one each and then has to enter the store (with secret video equipment) and steal three items and exit the store without attracting the attention of the store detective and/or the magnetic bleepers by the door. The Celebrity Thief with the highest value goods is declared the winner and gets to donate their items to the local Sally Army.
The first episode sees Greggggggg Wallace saddled with Next and Amy Childs gets JD Sports. The game's up for Wallace early doors as the CCTV spots him trying to chew off the anti theft tag on a satchell and is escorted off the premises to sit on the bench with Davina to await the local PCSO to finish apprehending local youths swigging Thunderbird outside the snooker hall. Childs though has more success, concealing a Fred Perry polo shirt and a pair of size 3 Timberlands and exiting the store whilst the distracted security guard chats up a couple of chav girls intrigued by the shiny material on the Adidas Classic tracksuit.
Charities win, stores win (no such thing as bad publicity etc), celebs win and Davina gets some more money for old rope for putting her hands up to her cheeks and looking shocked. Again. Everyone's a winner baby that's the truth.
Channel 4, Channel 5 and UK Conquest, I'm watching you. This is now a Six Dog production.
Nice steal, Six
You'll be in charge of development and will fund the start-up, obviously. But can I be a consultant? Reasonable fee. As long as I don't actually have to do anything?
Absolutely.
You can be either Executive Producer or Junior Vice President. I have no intention either of doing any "actual" work. Just sell to the highest bidding production company (celador, I'm looking at you!), split the winnings between us and retire to a loft apartment on the Upper West Side.
Saturday Cotchin'
James Martin and his mates sit around and do fuck-all.
Unready Unsteady Cook
With Keith Floyd.
Desperate Scouser
We follow Ian McCulloch in his long quest to find the one person left in Britain who doesn't now think he's a tosser.
Football Folkers
Dan Walker, Mark Lawrenson and Robbie Savage form a close-harmony vocal group, specialising in 18th-century crofters ballads.
Chris Moyles' Punctuation Quiz Night
... where's me carpet slippers?
Question Tim
In which Messrs Henman and Rice discuss the burning issues of the day.
Mock The Weak
A ritual humiliation of those unable to fend for themselves.
Starring
Jimmy Carr, Ricky Gervais, and Frankie Boyle? Hang on, hasn't that already been done? And have I covered all bases there?
Mock the Mock
Comedians laugh at the ineptitude of Practice GCSE French Oral candidates.
Weaken The Mock
Educational theorists debate simplifying GCSE Music exams - with Howard Goodall, Sarah Brightman and Bez
Wok the Meek
Where people of mild personality are taught to cook Chinese meals, probably by Ken Hom.
IQ
Really clever, but dull, facts about this and that.
Are You Being Framed?
Candid videos of unsuspecting customers in the fitting rooms at Grace Brothers.
Homes Under the MC Hammer
Similarly candid photography of the infested inside of the MC's knee-high-crotch trousers.
Homes Under the Hammered
Documentary depicting the miserable lives of people renting flats below those occupied by chronic alcoholics.
Homes Under The Hammond
Richard Hammond becomes a Roofer for a week - a pre-cursor to the new Z-List Reality/Consumer Information/Home Restoration Show "Pro-Celebrity Roofing"
or possibly:
Holmes Under The Hammond - Eamon Holmes gives a piggy back to Richard Hammond, for reasons that haven't been decided yet (where are the creators of "Don't Scare The Hare" when you need them?)
Or.... Homes Under Hammonds
The miserable lives of people who live in the flat below compulsive organists.
I said organists.
Ham under the Homer
Light hearted highbrow sitcom about the scatty domestic arrangements of a sex-starved classics scholar
Bogwatch with...
...Chuck Berry and Chris Packham.
Mahavishnus At Ten
The title says it all
Piers Morgan's Life: Stories
in which Ian Hislop, Jeremy Clarkson and other celebrities look back on his life and relate their experiences of him with much animosity.
Deal or No Deal
Viewers vote to decide the fate of a perfectly nice town in Kent
Deal Or No Deal
Pixies fans debate the best line-up. Can't see this running to a second series.
Location, Location, Location...
Forgetful people attempt to remember where they are.
Sounds like...
...Wogan and Cotton on "Children In Need".
The Secret Milliner
Someone we can't see makes a hat.
Extreme Flashing
Robson Green replaces the lead on cathedral spires without a safety harness
Noosenight
Jeremy Paxman and studio guests discuss the merits or otherwise of capital punishment
Gnus at Ten
David Attenborough reads current wildlife stories, theme music by Sigur Ros. Ends with National Wether presented by an elderly male sheep (played by John Sessions), theme Barbara Ann.
Pun time!
Followed by ...
Moose Night. More animal highjinx.
Les Dawson's Creek
Standard episodes of American teen-soap dubbed with out of tune background music
Peyton Plaice
A welcome rerun of the 1960s series, set in an upmarket chip shop in the Hamptons
Jump They Say
A Manchester cop is shot and wakes up in 1993. He has to get used to a pre-www existence where albums are only released on CD once and Simon Bates is still on Radio One.
Britton's Got Tallents
TV presenter Fern Britton joins an archaeology team in search of Roman artefacts... oh god, somebody tell me to go to bed.
Heavyweight Debate
Protagonists meet to debate the major issues of the day, then slug it out in the ring to decide the winner
Presented by Nigel and Tony Benn
Talk Talk!
Join Mark Hollis and his guests for a good old natter and some ace celebrity goss! This week, Lou Reed and Van Morrison shoot the breeze round Mark's place.
Corr. Do what?
That'll be a load of non-stop geezer yak yak yak and not no mistake not never neither me old china
Prog It!
A progressive rock consultant tries to reactivate tired indie bands by suggesting they read some Michael Moorcock books and invest in a huge bank of synthesizers.
Single Letter Surnames
with your hosts Mel B and Colin H
The Restoration Comedy Man
A man with an improbable name turns up at building sites in a poncey wig in search of buxom wenches, with hilairious and extremely violent consequences.
The Eh Team
A fly on the wall documentary filmed around the HQ of the RNID.
Fantastic
At Home With the Laithwaite's
A man stays in his house and drinks a lot of wine. I'm volunteering here.
Pimp My Ride Albums
Tim Westwood retools "Nowhere" and "Going Blank Again" for the 10s by adding some phat beats.
Jay-Z's Kitchen
He shows you how to make wraps.
Fifteen to One
Quiz show broadcast at 12:45
Come dine with me
Someone very posh invites you to descend their staircase.
*applauds*
Droll.
(feed the drolls)
You bugger
Took me hours to get that. The penny has just dropped with an almighty clang. Very, very good.
Come Dine
with me Marc Alm... Perhaps not.
Flob It!
A reunion of old punks to see if they've still 'got it'
Musician Impossible
Your task - should you choose to accept it - to get Ginger Baker to play along to the Birdy Song
Roy Wood - As seen on TV
Members of Wizzard get together to try and work out if they are owed any residuals
WOULD YOU F*CK ING BELIEVEIT?
Each week, fat northern "comic" Johnny Vegas offers some poor unsuspecting member of the public a large sum of money to have sex with Burmese immigrant Ing Believeit.
Will they? Won't they? You'll have to tune in to find out!
Thursdays on ITV2 starting April 5th.
Low Expectations
A group of unusually tall celebrities (including Peter Crouch) live together in a purpose built house where doorframes and light fittings are just low enough for them to keep bumping into. Viewer enjoyment will come from the gradual chipping away of their resolve as they occasionally forget to duck down low enough.
Double Post
Where the "Captain of Her Heart" hitmakers take over a Royal Mail delivery round for one week.
Downtown Abbey
Petula Clark gets religion
Snog Marry Avoid
A documentary on Prince Andrew's life
Eel Or No Eel
A Moray, just for a laugh
Seal or No Seal
Documentary about Heidi Klum's marital difficulties.
Heel or No Heel
B-list celebs attempt to apportion blame in the break-up of adulterous C to Z-list celeb relationships
Creel Or No Creel
"And you've won the lobster!"
Is...
The winner
I'm actually crying - thanks....
Eels OR No Eels
Hipsters decide on whether to use their tickets or go to the pub
Man about the House
Much-reformulated progressive rock group embrace late-80s dance music with hilairious consequences.
Man About The Hose
Prog-rock denizens explain the best watering strategies for your organic macrobiotic garden
The Thin of It
Pleasant and relaxed folk working in an efficient government department.
The IT Crowes
Rockers struggle to retrain as programmers to keep the wolf from the door
House
Big prize bingo from Blackpool Pleasure Beach compered by Hugh Laurie. Showing on ITV3 at 3.45 am Monday to Friday.
University Challenge Anneka
Anneka Rice writes a dissertation.
Who do you think you were?
Gullible, thicko celebrities are put into a trance-like state by someone like Paul McKenna, leading them into "recalling" their past lives - usually historical figures like Julius Ceasar or King Henry VIII.
At this point, Jeremy Paxman (who has got out of the wrong side of bed!) storms in, demanding answers.
CSI: Crime Scene Invigilation
A crack team of detectives investigate cases of cheating in exams.
Ted Fathers
Bequiffed and Brylcreemed rockabilly enthusiasts face up to the challenges of parenthood.
The Killing Fresh Fields
Comedy ensues when exasperated William Fields (Anton Rodgers) follows his wife Hester (Julia McKenzie) to Khmer Rouge-era Cambodia to investigate the death of a young Danish woman.
Pointless Question Time
a new panel game where members of the public get to put questions to a mixed bunch of politicians and token learned slebs/media types, who take turns in either avoiding the point completely/inserting own agenda/massaging own ego.
Nobody wins.
Lie To Me
New name for PMQs.
My name's Moose the Mooche, g'night!
Fad's Army
Frank Tovey forms post-punk paramilitary unit.
It's Me Or The Nog
How one man's Oliver Postgate fixation is ruining his marriage.
Bagpuss
Taxidermy for beginners, this week a lovely furry weekend holdall.
Casualty
A drama series about Boden leisurewear
C***try Phial
The inhabitants of the Big Brother Hoose are invited to try some chemicals
The Bog Bang Theory
Are exploding toilets funny? We put it to the test...