Ladbrokes are offering 10/1 against a celeb fight on stage.
Would a Brandon Block qualify?

Will Brer Ellen's missives become steadily less legible as the night wears on and the grape takes its toll? I myself will be watching merely because the Brits angers me and a little well-directed anger is a good thing. Has anyone checked that Ozzie can read an autocue (or can read at all)?

American awards ceremonies use cue cards, which is why all the stars look as if they're boss eyed. UK shows tend to use autocue, which means they're looking directly at the camera.

...someone from The Word massive enlivens the proceedings by making an exhibition of themselves. Clearly this cannot be Mark Ellen, as he is a respected publisher of quality periodicals and a shoo-in for a knighthood. I am looking at the young hellraiser Rob Fitzpatrick to preface tonight's lunar eclipse with a full moon of his own.

Mick Fleetwood looks like a stretched-out Toby Ziegler from the West Wing. Only slightly less likely to turn out a well-rounded phrase.

...I'm really looking forward to this! Course it's mostly musically moribund but there are usually some memorable moments for all the wrong reasons. I saw one of those clip shows with the Mick Fleetwood/Sam Fox debacle of 1989 and it was genuinely toe-curlingly embarassing yet compulsive viewing.

...and it was huge fun.

...they're having "the red carpet" bit where all the artists who have been inside rehearsing all day go outside and pretend that they've just arrived. Take That reckon they might win "Best Live". Make a note of that.

The ITV disclaimers now take as long as the weather.

"The most unique collaborations..."
And they were paid presumably.

...they still have Coronation Street on ITV?

Looking forward to this. We missed our usual sweep on the Brits this year so this is the next best way to get involved.

From what they were wearing I thought it was British Sea Power at first but no.

Hurray!

..like a Mastercard bumper.

I can't abide Mika

...me neither, but is great to hear Tom Baker's dulcet tones narrating it!

"oh my goodness, this shouldn't be allowed!" from the kitchen

Now, as they used to say on "Yes Prime Minister", that's courageous. Leaving the actual intro to second, thereby taking the pressure of Ozzy.

Is doing a bad Mika impression.

where are you when we need you?

First appearance of the pre-recorded applause track of the evening.

It is.

.

this is making my hair hurt

He's doing another one

Lip-synced or double tracked?

Thanks to Mika's mid-atlantic high pitched vocals "Grace Kelly" sounded like "Chris Kelly". A paean to the silver haired former Food and Drink presenter, perchance?

OK, I think my ears are bleeding now.

or are you thinking about Leapy Lee too?

Oh, I think it has to be at least partly live to sound that bad.

...really work, don't they?

but I'm saving my sanity and turned the sound off

if you're interested.

Coat? Thanks

...a real mess!

The good lady's just said it's only a five second delay in order to bleep out Ozzy. Surely that's not enough.

i just want them to all go away and leave us alone.

I've been making a white chocolate torte.

The Outlaw? I thought Ozzy was the Prince of Darkness?

She said "big arsed".

...but I have a feeling this is going to be a real disaster!

Is the sound really bad, or are they owned by the person with the worst sense of timing in the world? And which label do they work for?

i mean, really. let the poor bugger rest in peace. Sharon is horrendous.

Kelly does look rather like Adele at this point. "Favourite heroes" eh, Ozzy? Prepare to witness the entire English language being mangled for two hours.

Uh-oh, the anti-Christ.

The most listened to radio presenter??

...where the chair of the parent teachers association has a few too many and gets a bit too noisy doing the tombola?
Sharon Osbourne.

How can a man that never shuts up for 3 and a half hours, five days a week, fail to engage his brain every time he appears on telly?

well done for mentioning Frog Chorus (which is great, by the way)

...the various obscenities hurled at Moyles then?

battery chickens to you too?

Truly, we are blessed...

Who knew?

What do we call the fat one now he's not so fat?

When are people going to stop trying to knock Macca with that one?

And they'll be weeping in the streets of Teignmouth tonight aboot that.

Travesty! When the feeling's gona and you can't go on...!

*kills self*

I refer you to what they said earlier.

couldn't they have mimed their speech? would have been better...

...but I love most of Paul's solo stuff with a passion and make no apologies for it.

This is a dire speech...

"Have a great night" he says...

I will - I'm gonna watch LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION...

C'mon Word Magazine must be taking Take That into their heard with the list of ailments - arthritis and dodgy lungs - that's Word territory surely

I don't think he'll be actually entrusted with a link all evening.

this - potentially - could be good!

The first of many speeches to go on too long from Jason Orange. Bodes well.

Rihanna and The Klaxons. There's a match literally nobody's been waiting for.

...actually get the Klaxons?

back in fashion then

With the Umb - er -ella woman?

RE: the gossip they always sound like Waynes girl friends bad in waynes word to me. plus what happened to Mika it seems so long ago h last year adele

I really do
(is this the drink?)

Thats the Klaxxons and not 'Musclebound' era Spandau Ballet

I had a kebab with tenpole tudor once her didn't have chillies

...commenting on how they are a typically 'student' band. I can see what he means by that, but I'll add the caveat that I'm a student and I can't abide them.

...on second thoughts...

My new child made an appropriate comment as that bint appeared on the giant, upturned tumbler - a great squirting noise from the nappy area..

only five days old and already Jarvis-ing!

Result.

About a minute too long.

early Spandau Ballet, horrible

...were made so that people can legitimately use the phrase, "God, this is just noise!"
Rihanna quite good, but Klaxons the usual dire noise. As I say every time the Chemicals do Glasto, at least the light show was good.

hurray fern britton

'nuff said

Surely the Brits is something you tape and then fast-forward through? It's not right to be watching it "in real time"

much as I normally abhor violence against women...

not terribly good, is she?

Oh no..

"Supported by HIT Top 40 stations".

The retina shredding lasers were quite good though

it's fern britton she's eaten loads of ryvita

flaming thing which doesn't involve phoning in?

Is she there to make the Osbournes seem competent?
Out of that list it surely has to be between 'Valerie' and 'Shine'?

Fearne Cotton - England's outstanding idiot

were representatives of Word asked, then?

when they are at home?

She's not bad.
The key skill here is no matter how dreadful it gets, how much humiliation is poured on you, how much drivel you have to listen to from the people you interview, how little the director in your ear tells you about what the hell is going on, DON'T BLUSH.
And I think so far she passes.

When there's phone voting that needs organising?

are quite disturbing

Sharon's big on the dramatic pauses tonight, isn't she.

I had reasonably high hopes for the Adele album after 'Hometown Glory' but the album was Smooth Radio cobblers.

Poor Jack....

In that last link he was allowed to say "Welcome back to the Brits".

Adele wins the Critics' Choice, thereby ensuring everyone is sick of her before she even gets going.

no will someone tell me this story (private message me.) i cant stand her, i was so proud of bill from the coral giving her the knockback a coupla years ago!

...don't you think?

STOP PRESS: I have just exploded as Will Young as walked on. I FANCY HIM THIS MUCH. As I do Jason Orange. What is it with me and gay men?

How she fistfully cheered for Adele's award...right on Shazza! Like she knows great talent from bellowing sphincters seeking their 15 minutes!

Hooray - Will Young - now he was GREAT in Mrs Henderson Presents!

Good to see people stick their necks out on an act that enters the charts at number one.

I listed to an interview with Adele recently, she was talking about her cover version of "a Dylan song nobody's heard" and that her version is better,

It's "Make You Feel My Love" off "Time Out Of Mind".
I suspect a few people have heard it.

I'm not convinced, another boring brit-school Winehouse alike. It's becoming a factory line.

He seems to be gaying it up big style.

Mind you, I'd do the same with Sharon Osbourne standing behind me.

Oh, no, hang on...

...who the critics who made the choice actually were.

I thought I recognised that smokey Welsh twang! And in the blog entry just above me...

I've gone all shivery!

The flouncy, poncy Brit school brigade have just been namechecked by a 'full-faced' Will Young...

Now Adele shows that Chavette swagger in all its 18 stone glory.

...fabulous song, loved Bryan Ferry's version. But there have been a few covers of it, actually.

Well she might be.

...between the hysteria among the Brits kids at the front and the absolute torpor of the people at the tables.

My bets on the Klaxons.

Leona? SHOUT!!!

Klaxons? *Yawn*

Kate Nash? Ho-hum

Bat for Lashes? Stupid name..

Mika? Twat...

and the twat takes it! Leo Sayer must be so proud!

To present the next award... a man...

(large pause, then Sharon realises there's more)

She's already complementing the script writers every time there's a big word. At least she's getting something from this.

stop staring at me like that

SHOCKER!

if valerie wins best song of the year, mark ponce ronson better thank songwriter dave mccabe of the zutons, or i will punch his american-socialite-mum/dad-in-band-"foreigner" lights out!

allegedly.

crazy name - crazy girl but actually really rather good

Europop's young, gay, Jewish prodigy.

and from one bubblegum burst to another...its Kylie!
Dressed as Kermit the Frog.

She's been making pop music *since the 90s!* The script said so!

Kelly Osbourne looks like David Coulthard in a tutu.

Intriguing image.

That's the voice of The Wife

turned into Debbie Harry. No bad thing.

She's the same age as me, you know?

I don't quite so good in a slinky sequinned dress.. :-(

She justifies the existence of Australia.

Thats one Kermit I'd like to maul like a sexually vivacious Stallion.

Or, in my case, doormouse.

...but why are there eight of them?

...but why are there eight of them?

...she's morphed into Debbie Harry.

...for the Power Rangers?
Note to Kylie, watch the high notes.

She was rubbish on Jools H as well. How long will her unouchability last?

Look! An actual pop star!

that's cava, innit?
*burps*

Or is it just a blateant rip off?

One of the dancers just kicked Kylie in the fanny.

..."she'll come if she can do her new single" spot, isn't it?

reminds more and more of Ms Harry

"Fearne Cotton appears to have mistaken a T-shirt for a dress."

'I found out in December.'

YCNMIU

He looks a little bit like darling Lee Mead, doesn't he?

Coat of Many Colours?

C*t of many colours, more like

Ive just drove a spear through the television screen...now its leaking a pallid, grey fluid. Probably the liquid form of Fearnes feigned charisma.

everything about her i hate, how she got an o.b.e. for music when she doesnt even play a musical instrument i'll never know.

will jack black ever make a another good film?

The mind boggles...was all of what we've seen previously normal??

perhaps they'll be on later...
*crosses fingers*

So Adele found out in December?

It's great having these amateurs involved and letting slip what really goes on because they don't know any better.

I'm off to the fridge anyone want owt?

Still no score in the Arsenal and Man U games.

Give him a contract!

Talking of food, Mr Jude hasn't brought my dinner in yet.

*clicks fingers*

She can't be killed. She will only return bigger, stronger... er, worse.

With the bunnies.

Lord, how long after treatment to we have to pretend to like her?

with the Hoxton fin haircut up for Best new Act? I'd vote for him.

Got more integrity than Mika, anyway.

There's one to Sky Plus.

in recovery? I can't believe that I used to fancy Kelly Osbourne :(

So, a de-moustachioed Hitler and Ms. Havisham.

I always get kelly rowland mixed up the sprinter!

What is the story with that daft Osbourne woman?

Do you really want a straight answer to that, Kelly?

A CHOON!

....else how would I know that ITV have a new drama show from the Footballers Wives people - Rock Rivals.

Warning - Simon Cowell is involved so don't get too excited.

Oh no, it's an American.

Give it to Rufus! Give it to Rufus!

As it were.

...John Naughton made the point that in show business Americans are advantaged by the fact that they're impossible to embarrass. If tonight's performance is anything to go by, Sharon is American. Even her kids look shocked.

Does Bruce have a table near the front do you think?

yeah, right!

Out of Destinys Child.

The less good one obviously.

OH, and Michael Buble?!

surely timbeland isn't asolo act he's a country!

Michael Bobbly for 'International Male''

Humbleness.

Quite.

Is he gay too?

Or, alternatively, a fuckwit.

rispek...

...from Mr. West.

has escaped from Terminator:The Sarah Connor Chronicles

with herself about that hair, innit?

Madonna's piled on the pounds!

....Osbourne's does it take fail to read an autocue?

Kanye - Has he got the mumps? - Just an enquiry from the other side of the room.

HAWLEYHAWLEYHAWLEYHAWLEYHAWLEYHAWLEYHAWLEY

...I'm convinced Gossip only have that one song!

...they've found a lovely French cottage in Location, Location, Location for just £55k! And Bill Oddie had some singing seals...actually, Bill Oddie probably has more musical talent (and more record sales) than most of these no-marks.

Beth Ditto has Madonnas face. Right there in the middle.

He is DEFINITELY not gay.

BUT MARK RONSON!!!!!!!! How is he a solo male? FFS.

Someone shouted 'Good luck in the Brits!' He replied, "I'll tell you a story about the Brits. It'll be a shed full of wankers." Precise and to the point, I think.

Kanye.
Though if Newton Falkner gets this, I'm going to strip to the udders and perform fellatio on my live size Mick Hucknall mannequin.

mark ronson isn't a pop star he looks like a posh public school ad exec

Impressive nostril flaring - can't say much else for the lass.

All is forgiven

What does he actually *do?*

...but wasn't he a producer???

bloke a brit...

Call me ignorant, but I always assumed that fopp-haired trumpeteer was American.

Is Mark trying to look like the young Phil Spector? Next year the frightwig. Articulate isn't he?

LOVES Ronson

mark ronson's mums hot

Another looky-likee: Mark Ronson & Mackenzie Crook from The Office

Mark Ronson just said Bastard for the sheer hell of it at 8:45 on a Wednesday evening. Why do we have a watershed FFS!

...he'll shit himself.

Ozzy Osbourne reminds me of my mate Mark Sage. He cleans bins.

Spinal Tap anyone?

...I feared they were gonna play Sabbath's 'Paranoid' for a minute!

think the kaisers are sounding rubbish

This is rabbish

Phew it's only that he's from Leeds

I wore that suit to a wedding in 1986.

So, let me get this right.... Ozzy is just there to say "Let's hear it for (insert name of band)?

But its a fuck of a site harder to play in that than it clearly is in real life.

Are they on valium?

How much slap has Wilson got on?

Oompa loompas attach Kaiser Chiefs?

I predict a walkover!

Munchkin action! Go! Go! Go!

so he qualifies!

I'm a little upset at this LUFC reference yet again at the Brits - yes we still remember Corinne Bailey Ray.

Whenever something falls flat I always find myself thinking "so *this* is their new single..."

...called this lot 'uber-bland'. Can't disagree with that; short and to the point, really.

Form an orderly queue ladies!

Leeds sky line, all a bit wobbly

It's like they're *really* tall

'....Laduuuuuhzngennnnnlmunnn, The Kylieeeeeee Cheeeeeeeeze!'

He's trying a new 'hit one in every three' approach to the notes, I see.

...are godawful.

.."the GIANTS of rock" with Ditto stood next to her?

Can we send that Ditto "woman" back to the woods?

GIANTS OF ROCK then I'm packing it in and going into gardening :(

Her from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs after a cake shop raid!

Oops - shouldn't insult fat, lesbian New Yoyk indie personages

They have got one song - I've always assumed that's where Beth gets her surname from.

. . . is a walking talking small print machine!

On a side note, my mum wasn't happy with 'that nice Leona' and her first video. "She's just trying too hard to be sexy. It's just not necessary." Bless.

why are they hiding behind mini skyscrapers, its a bit spinal tap. and yeah they sound rank, i usually dont mind them.

....ITV make from phone lines that they're prepared to tolerate Fearne Cotton having to recite all those interminable terms and conditions every few minutes.

Fantastic movie - discovered purely by chance and utterly gripping for the rest of the evening!

That stage was pretty special. You could tell from the close ups they were pleased with it. The Kaiser Chiefs were something of a distraction really.
Apparently there's a two hour special on ITV2 after all about it. Kate Thornton's presenting I hear.

that she reads out the T&Cs for text voting. It's like she's some denatured TV presenting robot.

Any suggestions as to next tipple? Another bottle of red, some single malt or a large glass of neat, warm gin?

My liver is in your hands.

It's hard to tell when the Brits stop and the ads begin.

...the Kaiser Chiefs drummer.

She's doing all the work that the Osbournes are getting paid for.
Still no score in the football.

gin gin gin gin gin

from Mark Ellen as of yet??

its been worth watching this to know what to do about my frizz problem at least