Have infiltrated the venue. Middle aged men dressed as pimps. This must be the place.

It's David van Day!

I guess he's up for Best Newcomer?

Little Boots was getting that.

Are hogging the red carpet as we speak. Their m on the s has just bagged, er, that girl who won The X-Factor. She's thrilled to be there. Just to be in the same room as Adele. It's amazing. Etc.

Or am I a bit behind the times?

tux-ed up? Is there a dress code? Has he smuggled in his custom rifle in a crutch - or have they ditched the Brits School Brats this year?

wearing a cravat?

Sitting next to a former member of Darts. Any questions?

are the Pet Shop boys on?

... Vini Reilly won't be there.

... the drinks free?

Why did DARTS split up?

Is there food?

Who is performing?

which former member?

I've just heard a story about a gig at the Lyceum that made me blush.

The set is by CBBC.

we are expecting full and comprehensible reports...

or do you get a plus 1 on these invites?

duck,duck,duck,duck of...

go on I dare you...

or does everyone do what we do and sit their half watching Coronation Street - lumme, that Reece Dinsdale is in it now.

The Gents are full of people urinating.

..the lucrative nose-gak industry was recession proof.

We are "guys", apparently.

Are U2 on first?

is on the blink so am relying on a very descriptive blog here from you guys.

Sounds like he should be there, but instead he's scored for CSKA Moscow at Villa Park.

... of the tv now.

U2 are miming!

...U2.

He really is a four-letter word.

"has a submarine"

....on the podcast re. the Oscars, who cares?

Subterranean Homesick Blues.

no?

but shitter?

It's Eric & Ernie

Not those two!

Funny as a burning orphan.

Think the fat one will do his "I love you mate" thing he does EVERY TIME HE'S ON THE TELLY!!!

she's just so damn dreamy...

the National Caravanning & Camping Club?

not got an album out filled with radio-friendly, over produced cod-soul?

.

I just saw Richard Madeley. No sign of DH though.

This is not looking at all good.

Say No to James Corden

Sorry wrong thread!

to grow that box hedge

That speech was great wasnt it?

just heard on 6 Music she's won an award. What was it for? They weren't too clear. Was it best contender for a role as a barmaid in Coronation Street?

The Corden/Kylie combo is a success.

... MUTE thing?

Are we on time-delay?

oh here we go the talent's arrived....

And having sudden crystaline realisation that I'm unlikely to enjoy a second of any piece of music I'll hear on this.

I seem to remember it being so bad lst year we were all pretending Amy Winehouse was good.

Who the f*** is Beth Rowley????

Shirley Bassey!

they aren't actually naked?

I've just cooked up a lovely bangers and mash.

It's Rotten!

on the Loud after their Xmas special which would have embarassed a hamster.

@Hepworth - Sarcasm is the lowest form of music blogging

...one word - why?

Oh God no!

That Girls Aloud performance was really badly shot...

aaaaaaagh.....Fearne...Duffy McDufster....unwatchable...

make it to the end.

...on the xbox, cant watch anything with Cotton on

sorry, got distracted, did Rotten promise to give us all the "backstage gossip". I sure hope so!

I assume she swore, as this very odd little Audio Muted button popped up on the screen. Must be on a slight delay. I'm loving it all so far.

appears to be wearing someone elses teeth, scary!

You're telling me those are the five best British singles in the last 12 months...!!!

Hepworth under the table already?

Question is, if she's got a gig on the main channel, what monstrosity is going to be presenting the inevitable ITV2 follow-up show?

Just tuned in. We don't need Cotton do we? Right, is it OK? I do hope Corden and that other guy from Gav and Stace is good. Please be good. They're going to be annoying aren't they? Oooh Alex James. Here we go.

... James!

of wisdom spewing forth from Cotton's pretty gob? Any fundamental truths about the human condition been divulged?

Or does Duffy sound like shes being played at the wrong speed?

must be cheese

That's Seasick Steve! Better at talent spotting than Dame Dave

nice bum though. Sorry, one of us had to say it.

When you're watching at home, the performance seems aimed at the people at home.

When you're here, it seems aimed at the people at home.

Alex James, then Coldplay. I'm going out.

...joe satriani & a writ?

corden & horne - also v poor...

... Showaddywaddy's outfits on.

Hard to hate, impossible to like

It reminded me of a 70s Saturday night variety show, but I'm sure it will be acclaimed as incredibly original and "fantastic pop".

where's the tune?

Is going to have to clear that mess up. Completely thoughtless.

Please fall off the stage.

Coldplay's guitar player's not doing anything is he?

Its got to be said.

Chris Martin can't sing a fckin note.

May be playing live, but that's not what you're hearing.

Best tune of the night so far.

A Trifecta of cuntitude.

It's Jamie Oliver. What's he up for? Best Onion?

It's Jamie Oliver. What's he up for? Best Onion?

Jamies Cullum and Oliver

And Fearne Cotton

Standing next to a caravan.

An incomparable hellscape

my wireless connection just went mad and I managed to post that about fifteen times soz.

well, oh to of been backstage with Fearne, Jamie Oliver and Jamie Cullum. God, I'm a misanthropic sod.

All I can see are tables full of suites. Is there a 'pit full of ver kids down at the front or is it like the National Lottery

are the front row fodder apparently. God help us if there's a war...

... can you guys in the audience see the backstage thing that that annoying blonde girl, in the polka dress is doing?

It's an advert for Bueno chocolate. Thank god for the real world...

Just demonstrated her new boxercise routine (just in from the gym) I fear it may be the most entertaining thing I see tonight (until Kings of Leon come on, right?)

They're running a clip of Mika. It looks like ancient history.

...Hi_De-Hi or what? ghastly suit...

The babble of conversation is deafening.

Shes got a natural comedic prescence, hasn't she?

..as voted by students - there's a surprise!

But those accountants love Kings of Leon.

don't they

What a smart-dressed bunch of young men. Well done.

Brought a drink

I'd like to hear KoL cover ZZ Top's 'Smart Dressed Man'. How good would that be?

...who wrote this shit?

..Annie Lennox get her award?

... Paul's on the coffee.

Whats your fantasy question thats the answer to?

"Who are those two dismembered corpses?"

"Whats that burning smell?"

Any others?

by Randy Newman... seems appropriate, all things considered.

I could have the wrong channel?

...can you tell if those strings are real or not from there? Just all sounds a bit too perfect to me, and I know about stuff like this.

I just put my fist in my mum's mouth. Not happy.

More awards in a year than Dusty got in her life.

That's what Duffy looks like. What's wrong with her voice?

Gotta go. Need to cook dinner and me Mac's making me legs hot. *stay tuned*

... with her.

Try "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" doing a Duffy impression.

All the rage round our way.

... is annoying. I've managed to avoid seeing her on tv up until to-night.

Joe Calgazhe or Jamie Cullum? Only one way to find out! FIGHT!

we have a performance by Scouting for girls to come? Oh good.

Does anyone else think the Mastercard/ABC ident is still funny this year (I'm sure they were using those last year) I do. Just makes me laugh. Oh I'm talking about the adverts again. Says a lot doesn't it?

She is awful.

Has someone nicked her lower teeth?

... what do you guys do in the audience while we're on the ad break? Get the beers in?

And the Adidas one too. Great ads, nice frocks, loud music. WNTL?

Doug Stanhope?

Omar Bakri?

Gilbert and George?

... bringing up a glass of wine with him?

...apparently. It's the least of our misdemeanors.

I thought for a moment it was ELO.

of the Turd Kind

.. have been to Specsavers!

chitty chitty bang bang!

Please!

.

Kraftwerk

doing a Take That cover

has just started working again.
Was it really worth the wait?
Er ,,,,,,, no.

Take That have borrowed ELO's spaceship from the seventies. But sadly none of the tunes...

give good show biz

... in miming shock!

...a shark being jumped!

How does Robbie feel?

has come as Ricky Tomlinson tonight then?

Or the bloke from Gavin & Stacey?

...

Whats he doing presenting an award

Awesomeness! Isn't it illegal to have a live act award that Muse aren't nominated for though?

.

They look barely alive...and I bet that's the first shout for the road crew in a few years

well deserved.

Mother, the revolver!

ok, it was worth watching after all

He's looking good

I'm off to open a bottle of wine

Right on!

Elbow

Genuine surprise in the room.

... was comedy gold from The Hoff.

"The almost surreal diversity of British music" . . .

Well said big man!

That was a major surprise as was Iron Maiden.

Thought both were rather welcome

Well done Elbow.

Why Why Why

lost the suit and found a nice bhs cable knit.

Burial was robbed...

oh sorry wrong awards show

I'm so bored with this band.

They appear to be playing live. Are they allowed to do that?

He's dwarfing the caravan!

with a shifty look in his eye. Expect the next Coldplay long player to be a bourbon-soaked cowboy fest about genital discomfort.

Someone make it stop, It's scaring the cats!

The Hoff & Bjork?

It's Budgie, isn't it?

It's Budgie, isn't it?

a double.

I was going to ask if there's been any car crashes but I just seen the end of the kings of leon and the davis hasselhoff....

… only people here can't type as fast.
Have to say, it comes to something when Iron Maiden winning an award feels like a blow against The Man.

About Genital Discomfort.

Been done. Boxcar Willie

to have sex with the Cotton-monster wasn't he?

. . .enough of the Craig David jibes. Poor fella.

Is that more landfill indie?

We didn't know who that was.

Hurrah!

that's wilting, check Trouble in Amish Paradise on BBC2.

That was a beautiful speech.

this thing goes fast

We need a proper star.

Eloquent young man isn't he?

Do you reckon they'd even heard each others songs before?

of this song...

That was quite exciting.

I'd like to see Coldplay collaborate with a double Decker bus!

so I'm guessing so. That song really is getting stale.

*that was supposed to reply to something earlier, my internet connection is starting to creak a little bit*

through a drift of empty bottles of becks and corporate white wine nice,

That must have made Rob Fitzpatrick's day.

'Best triple guitar solo of the year'? Best walk on zombie?