Not sure if it's worse, but it was my misfortune to work on the Oxford Apollo panto in the mid-eighties. Jack was played by Alvin Stardust, the girl by Lynsey de Paul of seventies eurovision slight fame, Madge from Neighbours was the Vegetable Fairy(!), and the newly-minted Simple Simon was Freddie, complete with his Dreamers who of course were all twenty years younger than him. Completing the line up were (who has this on their Equity CV?) the Care Bears. Alvin, Lynsey and Freddie all got to sing more than one song and the show stretched out to the crack of doom. The Apollo led on some pre-opening press with the story that Freddie had got a new rug job specially for the show. This edifying spectacle I only had to sit through about thirty times...

... I lived in the south-west in the late 90s. One day I took the bus to Lyme Regis where I found a little theatre on the sea-front where they were ambitiously advertising their season of shows as 'Summer of the Legends'. I say 'ambitiously' because the best known legend, and by some distance, was Isla St Clair. She had her own poster and everything. It read, 'A pleasant voice and an engaging personality'. Well, it wouldn't do to over-excite expectations.

I know this isn't Popbitch, but I was recently told by a Scottish media type that The Krankies are swingers. Just thought I'd share that with the group.

How long before Andy's post gets erased I wonder?! Soon I hope, to save others from the unpleasant images that are now swimming around in my mind...

"Top jewish tribute act - Rabbi Williams" i notice...

Sod this, i'm sticking with Easy Singles night down the Phoenix Club. I see Half a Shilling are booked for St Georges day...

is pretty grim.

I'm made of sterner stuff than that - the bill holds no terrors for me!

Why not? Because I survived our annual UK seaside holidays (Scarborough, Bournemouth, Great Yarmouth etc.) during the 70's, the dubious highlight of which was usually a trip to the local theatre to witness one of the above acts (as well as Val Doonican, Roger De Courcey and Nookie Bear, The Grubleweeds and other such horrors).

Bring 'em on!

...is that the actual Krankies or their current tribute band, The White Stripes?

In 1984 Van Morrison played five nights at the New Vic Belfast. On his one night off mid-run he was scheduled to play next door at the Grand Opera House as part of BBC NI's 60th birthday celebrations. Naturally, having bought tickets for the other five nights, attendance was required.

We got to witness an evening of Northern Ireland's finest, compered by Jimmy Cricket. I do not recall that he got a single introduction right first time, and we suffered through endless re-takes. We had The Bachelors, whom up to that point I had thought only existed in black and white footage from the Cilla Black Show; Phil Coulter - think Richard Clayderman with a stroke (your mum will have something on cassette in the back of a drawer); and Gloria Hunniford - I cannot recall what her party piece was.

The penultimate act was Ruby Murray, famous both as culinary rhyming sang and, until Madonna, being the most chart topping-est female act of all time. Sadly age (and drink*) had taken their toll, and she and the various keys to her greatest hits had long since had a parting of the ways. Still the fur-coat clad crowd loved her for she was their Belfast girl.

As for us we sat stoically, and it has to be said politely and quietly, through it all knowing that Van was up next. And then there he was, everything cranked up to 11 and blasting his way through a 15 minute version of ‘Summertime In England'. It was fantastic - and the place emptied in seconds. Those over 50's that stayed stuck their fingers in their ears and talked as loudly as they could. Hilarious and appalling. For the broadcast version they used the obligatory ‘Brown Eyed Girl'.

(* Word lawyers can relax, she's dead)

...with the White Stripes.

I think there is something rather touching and poignant about acts touring and playing the "End of Pier" circuit. Whenever we are back in the UK we always squeeze in a day trip out to Blackpool. It brings back so many memories. My first concert was as a thirteen year old watching Manfred Mann, The Caravelles and Marty Wilde at the South Pier, Blackpool in 1964. Also, given the White Stripes weird venue tours I think they would be a perfect act to do the seaside piers this summer.

by saying that actually looks quite good? Nowt to do with yer 'Guilty Pleasures': there's a reason why these acts are STILL touring and - more importantly - packing in theatres all round the country. Is it really worse than the Eagles flogging their way round the medium sized stadia of the world, or that bizarre amalgam of ELOs that is doing the rounds at the moment.

I don't think you can argue that Paul Daniels ISN'T a fantastic musician - his TV show in its heyday was fantastic and got huge audiences. Frank Carson is a brilliant stand up of the very old school (even if he did tell the 8 year old me to piss off when I tried to tell him a gag). Jimmy Cricket I might let you have.

Jimmy Clitheroe - The Krnakies (typo, but I prefer it) base their whole shtick on him. You can keep your frightening clowns, If you want a truly sinister act he was your man.

...I would rather see this than the Mighty Boosh.

Bloody hell...

Good grief...

Thanks...

The trepanned person's Abba...

Mick Miller-Comedian famous for being bald on top and long hair at the sides.As funny as a Root canal.Ex -Footballer of My much beloved Port Vale.Slagged us off for nearly all his "Act".Got Punched in the Car Park by a Vale supporting Doorman.
Duncan Norvelle-Chase me,Yes that idiot.
Grace Kennedy-Singer who had BBC 2 Show,as much soul as Napalm Death.
Ian "Sludge" Lees-Had an Afro,Black Country accent and no sense of humour.Arrested for impersonating a Comedian.
Dougie Squires' Young Generation featuring-Junior Showtime regulars. Dancing that had to be seen to be believed.Think Beginning of Seaside Special.
and Ladies and Gentleman your Top Of The Bill
Mike "And this is me" Yarwood. Yes he did do Frank Spencer and Harold Wilson but The bloke behind the bar did them better.
I saw this at now defunct Cabaret Club "Jollies" in Stoke-on-Trent.
Was called Cavalcade of Stars or something like that.Was to celebrate the Refurbishment of the Club i seem to remember.
I was glass collecting so i didn't see too much thank god.
Seem to remember it being on for 2 nights.Have tried to blank it from my memory.

'It's a stunning line up of entertainers with real honed talent and professional 'gravitas'. The best thing about seeing the old Variety stars is you're GUARANTEED an evening of sustained belly laughs. Besides, given the fact we have so few of the greats left, this might be one of the last chances to see such a cracking line up.'

I would imagine that the sun will have become a red giant and the Earth consumed in a fiery death before the phrase "entertainers with... professional 'gravitas'" is applied to The Krankies again.

The last stop on entertainment train to oblivion. There were some pretty desperate acts on there sprinkled with some star from the States who looked bewildered at what their agent had booked them on, saying they got them on "primetime TV"

Of course Bernard Manning was the icing on the cake along with the creepy barman with the eye patch behind him

eg

followed by this

At least The Chuckle Brothers aren't on the same bill, that would be the final straw. Did you realise that there are more than two Chuckle Brothers. My sister once worked with The Krankies and she said they were "very nice".

saint, sir!

The advert said something like "coming to a town near you" which was the scariest bit - it actually seemed threatening. Thankfully it's actually inaccurate as I live a good few hours north of Newcastle.

Still, it's good to know where all these performers are on a given night so that you can be sure not to be there.

What was the circus in League of Gentleman? One could quite happily imagine the line-up discussed running away to be in said circus. Or, indeed, the more distressing one I saw in a cod-medical documentary last night, where all the ill and damaged, dermatologically, of the Phillipines (I think) are the members of a good old fashioned freak show.

For readers of a magazine that sells a considerable amount of it's wares based on the heritage music industry, the double standard applied by many here is astounding.
All the acts on this bill have in been hugely popular. Sure, they reached a peak before the 'alternative' comedy boom of the early eighties and their material might not fit with much of todays thinking, but they made it because they earnt their time on stage and mastered comedy in their own particular way.
In the same way that people will pay good money to see Led Zep and McCartney audiences at these shows will be going along to see acts (and material) that they know and love delivered by people who know their craft inside out.
Paul Daniels in particular hasn't done himself any favours recently with his ill considered TV appearances, that doesn't stop him being one of the greatest magicians this country has produced.

And before you start - there's more than a passing similarlty to many of todays 'older statesmen of rock' - look.

The Krankies - The Stones. Mick and Keef of the comedy world, how closely do they resemble the Glimmer Twins? - Jeanette has also fallen out of a tree, albeit a panto tree, namely a beanstalk. Did she make a fuss and cancel gigs? No.

Frank Carson - Van Morrison. Van still rolling out the same old formula, fan still buy tickets. Frank, with the way he tells them, doing the same.

Jimmy Cricket - Ronan Keating - both sweet natured boys harking back to more innocent times, though Jimmy would never release anything where he threatened to shag Lulu as Ronan did with 'We've got tonight'

Cannon and Ball - Simon and Garfunkel - you never see them in the same room do you? They've had the splits, reconciliations and they perform the definitive version of Wind Beneath My Wings.

Paul Daniels - Michael Jackson. Both gifted with magical powers, both courted controvesy, both had fumbles with odd looking women. Paul was also born black, but to carve his niche in a tough white oriented world has continually used his suggestive powers to fool us into thinking he's white.*

The Brotherhood of Man - Nuff respec' to the Bucks Fizz of their day, 'nuff said.

*I might have made this bit up.

I couldn't resist. This just had to be done.

That's the funniest thing ever heard on the blog. Thanks.
(This thread just gets better day by day).

Change the original description slightly, and this is what you have at Blickling Hall, Norfolk, on July 19...

"The Best Of British Eighties Tour 2008 brings 11 familiar names to[gether]... for an evening of entertainment harking back to the good old days. The bill is bursting with talent."

Namely.... Rick Astley, Kim Wilde, Howard Jones, Nik Kershaw, Paul Young, Heaven 17, China Crisis, The Real Thing, Curiosity Killed the Cat, Altered Images and Dr and the Medics.

Incidentally, is it just me or are Heaven 17 the worst offenders on the whole 'soup-in-a-basket' 80s revival circuit?

In the 80s (when I actually wanted to see them) - "Oh, we're way too cool and ironic to tour."

Now (you'd be forgiven for assuming) - "Well, our new stuff isn't selling and we're got the mortgage to pay, so 'Good evening, Glasgow!'"

now constitutes the best thread on the Word blog ever.

Fact.

I have now lost both my lunches; the first when the biggest secret in the rock world (Krankies=The White Stripes) was leaked, the second when I thought I'd regained my composure but couldn't resist reading on.

I salute you all, despite feeling hungry.

Has always been how The Krankies came up with their act.
"We could take this on the road, you know..."