and Noddy's doing the backstage coverage. Will Dizzee Rascal know who he is one wonders.

that strikes fear into the heart of any music lover - "this award voted for by members of the general public".

Are they tweeting?

Sounds like she's been listening to Propaganda.

to open the show.

And that was nothing like...etc etc.

Lily Allen showing the good side of Autotune whilst surrounded by a troupe of Jenny Eclairs (whats the collective noun for Jenny Eclairs? A Vag?)

Excellent!

Jesus Christ!! Mel B?!!!!

...its Neil Kinnock! Oi! Oi!

The Rascal deserved that.

He could launch into "Spasticus Autisticus".

displaying a ready and spontaneous wit as usual.

His 70's club comedian persona isn't, it would seem, a persona at all.

I care nothing for it or the people on it.

Fearne , yeuch

Fearne , yeuch

The KLF surely?

Sorry. I can't.

That is going to be. like, amazing!

The KLF surely?
or Jarvis?

He's looking more and more like Bernard Manning and right now less funny with his Bucks Fizz references. Good to see he's up to date and keeping it real.

Seems to be something to do with Fearne Cotton.

have equalised

Seasick Steve probably used to be in A1 or 911 or Blue and that beards been stuck on.

glasten berry loves hip hop

At last..Gravitas!

Peter Kay really is shocking isn't he? I'm finding myself longing for Ms Cotton, and that can't be right.

Oooh missus. How quaint.

Nice recovery from Kay, though!

Peter Kay!!

Oasis have officially released the best album of the last 30 years?

It is a contender and clearly only the work of Liam (The Knobhead) as Noel clearly wasn't involved.

Oasis RIP - Live Forever

That really is a great song. I haven't given these guys a chance as yet. I will now.

Horne and Corden!

Though I did quite like him calling Gallagher Jr a nobend.

Be still my heart. Its Kasabian. What are they for?

in foul mouthed outburst shock...

Was winning that award a bit like winning the best dog shit in the park award?

let one of those fuckers catch fire for real.

..can two women be?

Plenty of zingers getting in there under the bar. I'm saying all pretty good so far, especially Lord Nodford.

..how much etc...etc...

There's a MENSA meeting two short tonight.

I'm going to have nightmares tonight - the Beatles getting run over as they cross Abbey Road by a car driven by Fearne Cotton.

They'll never win owt with a name like that.

Princess herself.

I would.

the second half of the football?

Previous winners presenting the following awards smacks of desparation.

I would. Or at least I would have until she dissed Crispian Mills.

Geri Halliwell utterly self obsessed. Its not about you, dear.

the footie on radio 5. More excitement there

getting their money's worth from the Spice Girls tonight - that's the third time they've been on in 40 minutes.

Geri forgot to thank a Spice Girl. Or does simply saying 'Melanie' cover some kind of hydra-like lifeform?

You need to feel your way into this very special night for the Massive.

Geri Halliwell ?

Joined Twisted Sister?

might have had some work done?

It's pavlova girl.

We'll all be wearing one just like it tomorrow

Is the big night of CSI tonight. That gets my award for the eveing.

who just won the award for "act that the record companies have invested most money in"?

Lady GaGa - mad as a box of frogs. But I love her...she is a proper act.

Huge bass keyboard guitar computer thing. I want one in my living room

I didn't know Miss Haversham played the piano.

Huge bass keyboard guitar computer thing. I want one in my living room

spinning?

Not a great song but she can sing a bit can't she.

For god sake stay away from those women!

Come on Gaga: Courtney and Geri insist.

Don't really like Gaga, but at least she is A Proper Pop Star.

String.

They're trying to woo the Word crowd......

that Lady Gaga. Enjoyed that.

And here comes Idris Elba completely failing to be Stringer Bell thus shattering my illusions.

Spice Girls in the ads now too - help they've taken over my TV. It's getting a bit scary now.

Well deserved award for a great band.

The new Oasis?

the avant garde and futuristic explorations of musics possibilities.

Or a load of tedious lumpen shite.

sends cock pictures to? Or am I getting confused in my dotage?

I'm reminded of that woman in the radiator in Eraserhead.

sitting in the "crowd" dressed like that. The table behind her will be shouting "down in front" all night.

Bless.

before they finally get Dizzee's career off the ground?

..is Florence not the most beautiful women in the world?

Whats this arsehole doing on?

His resemblance to his father is just getting stronger and stronger, isnt it?

Have I missed anything?

working for Visa? I feel old.

..will live this down about as easily as Madeley did with Ali G gate.

National Treasure. Shit singer.

...not get nominated?

Isn't very funny tonight. However to be fair if I was a comic I wouldn't present the Brits unless threatened at gunpoint.

In case you're worried

Will look nice when it's finished.

I like her. She having a go at being properly memorable.

Best Michael Jackson look-a-like around

Cheryl Curl is rubbish at miming.

Cheryl Cole's either one of the clearest singer's ever or she's not really live. Wonder which is true?

Sunglasses? At neet?

Have you got a stye, pet?

Fighting for Her Love apparently.

What Time Is Love?

poncing around in a white mac and sunglasses and singing some Auto-Tuned to buggery dirge doth not make ye a great artist.

God I hate the Brits.

Has invented the Mash-Down

doon the Metro Centre.

doon the Metro Centre.

But reading this thread has helped me catch-up.
Nice one. I feel like I was there. :-)

*does virtual Jarvis-esque arse flap dance*

Flicked across channels all night, ice road truckers and the olympics far more interesting. I must be getting old though, i haven't heard of at least half of tonights nominations.

Voted for by commercial radio and Sun readers - that wont be The Massive I assume.

Oh, JLS have won - point proven!

who makes frocks and watches folk make films?

who reckons Robbie Williams will be coked off his tits again? Its the only reason I am watching to be honest. I want to see if he has a bout of paranoia during his performance!

Dungs

Has Chris Rea won anything yet?

look like she could have been married to one of Pink Floyd in 1973?

...will you marry me? Oh wait....

That was nothing short of performance art. Breathtaking. It would be kinder to draw a discreet veil over the insipid mithering afterwards of Geri Halliwell, who wouldn't know talent if it ran up to her screaming in a Union Flag dress - play some old indeed.

Florence seems like a decent sort. I was even able to tolerate her caterwauling tonight, for some reason. The duet with Dizzee sort of worked, I know not how.

Cheryl Cole. The Nation's Sweetheart. Why? Why? Why?

Peter Kay. Proof that it is possible to have charm surgically removed. The "what a knobhead" to Liam Gallagher was richly deserved, but then again didn't require a great deal of wit, did it?

It's been a gas

Anything good happen?

and it all felt strangely flat compared to the epic hate-fests of recent years.

Does that mean popular music is getting better and less worthy of contempt or is it so banal we can't even get worked up enough to rip the piss out of it?

Lady Gaga was clearly the big winner both in terms of winning and in establishing some real credibility. I really enjoyed her stuff.

Heres to next year when the Massive get the Brits they really want - a posthumous Best British Male for John Martyn, Best Beard for Robert Wyatt and a lifetime acheivment award for Richard Thompson.

Night all

...were they last year???

sad really. robbie was clearly not with us

Azeem's view. Gaga is proof that male, female, black, white, pop, rock, soul or jazz it's all irrelevant if you have wit, imagination and talent, she has all three in bucket loads and more. Yes I'm a liitle bit obsessed but even if you strip away all the paraphenalia and just sat her in front of a piano in jeans and a t-shirt she would perform, play and sing the arse of every other "performer" there tonight or most other nights. That's all.

....boy am I proud to be British..

A Wizard. A True Star.

I'm sittin' watchin' the Brits yeah? Actually I'm lyin' on the floor yeah? And suddenly I done this epic fart yeah? But it weren't JUST a fart, it was a SHART yeah? 'know what I'm sayin?" Anyway, I go upstairs 'cos I can feel the liquid in my shorts, OK? Right, when I get up there I pull my pants down, yeah? Sure enuff there's a bit of liquid shit 'know what I'm sayin' yeah? But here's the weeerd thing yeah? When I smells the shit it smells like FISH, yeah? Like, how can shit smell like fish, 'know what I'm sayin' lol? Maybe I need the quack no?

they found out JLS were dying of the mutant virus and Lady Ga Ga set fire to them to stop the spread of Mad Cowell's Disease.

I saw a 2 minute clip on News at 10 and it was unmitigated torture. How on earth do you sit through it? And Harry the Nazi, just when I thought it couldn't get worse.

and it might have turned to love, were it not for her horrible, mewling thank-you speeches. Liam had the best podium moment, thanking the fans then giving his award to them.

A significantly large group of undomesticated equines could not possibly force me to watch this.

f**k the brits scum is on!