I worked in France for quite a while, and my French came on in leaps and bounds. But early on I joined the office habit of calling "salut" (hi) to each other first thing in the morning. However I mispronounced it slightly with a d on the end...."salude" means "bastard". I was beaming and waving and calling everyone a bastard. How they laughed when they told me.

My Dad worked with briefly with a French bloke, who arrived speaking very basic English. However, after a couple of weeks of 'banter' with the English lads, he'd learned a few extra words, without quite understanding their meaning. This came to head when he and my Dad went to a restaurant, and he politely called the waiter a twat.

In my early days in Italy I once asked the young lady in the local greengrocer's for a grapefruit (pompelmo). Except I didn't. I asked her for a blowjob (pompino). I didn't get one.

where I was studying French and English, I was asked to be best man at a wedding between an Irish guy and a French lass. All, including the speech went very well...until the reading of the telegrams, where I misread a thousand affectionate kisses as 'a thousand affected fucks.' (something about bisses affectifs and baises affecteux if memory serves.)
But they're still together so....

I thought I'd told my father-in-law that I was looking forward to returning to Japan in the Autumn to see the beautiful displays and colours of Japan's famous Momiji maple tree foliage.

Instead I told him that I was looking forward to seeing "Momojiri" a beautiful display of Japanese girls' peach-shaped arses.

in Italian. It is, in some instances, highly important to stress double consonants. Failing to do so can result in "felice anno nuovo" (happy new year) coming out as "felice ano nuovo" (happy new arsehole). Or the intended "Voglio comprare delle penne" (I want to buy some pens) transforming magnificently into "Voglio comprare delle pene" (I want to buy some penis).

Many have fallen into the trap whilst on French exchange visits. French mum asks if you'd like anything more to eat. "Non, merci" you reply. "Je suis plein" (No, thank you. I am full.)

Except "Je suis plein" translates as "I am pregnant."

Much hilarity for French mum, furious blushing for fourteen year old boy.

My job involves 50% Spanish/50% English and i'm always making howlers,much to the amusement of my colleagues and students.
Mrs Crout is Puerto Rican but grew up in New York and even she makes mistakes in Castilian Spanish.
Mrs Crout works with an Argentinian girl and Madame Crout is always saying ""Cojelo suave!" which means "Take it easy" but for the other Girl it means "F*** it Slowly"

a student of mine when I taught English for Business years ago. We were planning a fancy dress party that evening and a very pretty Swiss girl tapped me on the shoulder, beckoned me aside and whispered "I go like a rabbit."

My only such mistake has centred around confusion between "canard" (duck) and "connard" (bastard). If only I'd known that Donald Duck was still Donald Duck in French.

I meant to say to someome "Jag ska till barberaren" (I'm going to the barber's). What I actually said was "Jag ska till barbaren" (I'm going to the barbarian).
That could've been nasty.

Speaking at a medical conference in France some years ago, boyfriend gamely elected to deliver his talk in his (O level) French - he wanted to work on it as he had some French collaborators (quiet at the back). Principal theme was breast cancer so he asked a friend what the word for 'those things' - with gestures - was and was told 'nichons'. So he gave a whole talk to a slightly stunned audience about cancer of the tits.

From the French Best Man's speech to an English wedding reception.
"I 'ope you have a very big 'apenis"
We did, we all had a very big happiness.

When I was 18, I was a teaching assistant at a French school. The teachers were mostly a sound bunch, and I enjoyed going for coffee with them. The headmaster was something of a stuffed shirt, and was generally regarded as being a bit useless. One day, I intended to ask what his job as a headmaster actually involved (as he didn't teach). My choice of words was "Qu'est-ce qu'il fair comme travail?" which is more like asking "what does he do for work?" This question was greated by a roar of laughter at what they saw as my deft lampooning of this hapless man, and I gained a temporary reputation as quite the wit. Needless to say, I didn't make any effort to correct this impression.

German. I once wanted to ask the wife of a friend if she was excited (verb spannen) as she was going on a trip, but instead I enquired if she was pregnant (schwanger)...

...is an utterly lovely chap, so he won't mind me telling this. Him and my sister (she speaks fluent french, he doesn't) were in a restaurant in Paris a few years ago. Their orders arrive. Waiter asks whose is whose.

"Je suis la courgette," says my BOL.

"Pas de chance," says the waiter sympathetically.

A friend's fragrant French wife was working for a London law firm. She thought that the expression 'I can't be arsed' was actually 'I can't be asked'; meaning that she was too busy to pick up any work. She couldn't understand why she got such odd looks in the board room.

as the wrong language entirely.

Whenever I'm in any foreign country I always end up speaking schoolboy French. It being the only foreign language I can manage.

This tends to work well in France, as can be imagined. However, I once found myself in Rome. Successfully ordered some beer in Italian, said 'merci beaucoups' on their arrival. To mutual looks of perplexity amongst all concerned.

Once found myself in Moscow. Successfully ordered some beer in Russian. Said 'merci beaucoups' on their arrival. To mutual looks of perplexity amongst all concerned.

Tit! Zut!

is what I asked for in a Spanish marketplace, (Pollo - Chicken, Polla - Cock ) to much hilarity and sniggering.

Mandarin has five tones. Use of a tone can change the meaning of word. For example, with the first (or flat) tone the word 'ma' means mother, but with the fifth (falling and rising) tone the word 'ma' means horse.

One day I went to the Bank of China to get an over-the-counter cash advance on my credit card. As you can imagine, it being the land of the triplicate form and red-ink stamp, there was quite a lot of paperwork to complete.

I thought I had asked: "Qing ge wo bi - Please give me a pen."

As it turns out I said: "Qing ge wo bi - Please give me a cunt."

When I moved to the UK a few years ago, I became aware that 'pants' is perhaps most frequently taken to mean 'underwear'. Imagine the consternation of some of my partner's City colleagues when the female CFO came to visit chilly London and loudly proclaimed "I'm really glad I wore pants otherwise I'd have got a cold fanny".

Lived in USA in mid 80's and my then wife wasnt allowed to work. To pass the time of day she joined a gym with various dance/aerobics classes. After a 10 minute workout the attendees were asked by the instructor to "put their hands on their fannies". Not unreasonably she wondered what type of exercise class she had joined. (For anyone not entirely familiar with American English a Fanny is your backside not a womans front bottom!!)

Another time many years ago I was visited by my Dutch penfriend and her mate at the time that Rod Stewart was gracing the charts with his version of First Cut is the deepest. Whenever they heard the song there were guffaws of laughter as cut in Dutch translates as cunt. I often imagined the scene where a teenage English girl in Holland has an accident and goes into a chemist and says 'I have a nasty cut, do you have anything for it?"

GLW has almost wet herself reading it.

I used to be able to reduce my mid-Western students to rubble by telling them about the light-up sign in the delicatessen at the end of my street in London which said, 'Hot Faggots to Take Away'.

His translator on a visit to Poland was not surprisingly fired after the following -

“I have come to learn your opinions and understand your desires for the future” was translated roughly as the equivalent to “I desire the Poles carnally“

“When I left the United States” became “when I abandoned the United States”

“Your desires for the future” became “your lusts for the future”

“Poland is the ancestral home of more than 6 million Americans” became “a state also which constitutes the fatherland of 10 million Americans”

On a holiday in Northern Spain I decided to go for a beer at the little bar on the beach. Leaving the GLW who has fluent Spanish I attempted my first solo run.
"Cerveca por favor" I heard myself ask.
I got a big smile and the barman pointed round the corner. I thought it must be separate counter for beer, so walked round the bar and asked again. The waiter nodded again and pointed.
I must have looked vacant as he turned to a customer and fired something off in rapid Spanish.
Next thing I knew this big burly chap grabbed me by the arm and escorted me into the toilet with a big grin on his face.
Fearing the worst I saw him point to the urinals and smile. I smiled back, went over and used the facility. To my relief this seemed to satisfy him and he went back to the bar.
I emerged after a few minutes, went to the bar and said "San Miguel"
Thankfully a cold bottle was put in front of me.
When I told the wife when I got back she looked puzzled till she got me to repeat what I'd said.
After hearing she burst out laughing. I'd asked for cervicio a slightly posh word for toilet.