Myrmekiaphila Shakii, surely?

is well known for its mood swings and unpredictable switches: right down to its gait, which can only be described as "leftin' and then rightin'". It also has been promising for fifteen years to release a retrospective record of all the flies it has ever caught, but this is unconfirmed.

...is to be sued for "unspider-like" behaviour. The arachnid, which is named after the popular recording artist - Neil Young, has recently been spotted holding its breath for long periods of time on the ocean floor, using a pair of wings to migrate great distances and killing an adult gazelle by leaping onto its back and breaking its neck.

A spokesperson for the current owners of the spider said: "We are seeking a return to Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi's former behaviour patterns, in which it was happy to spin aesthetically pleasing cobwebs across the sound hole of a battered acoustic guitar in dappled, autumnal sunlight."

"Unrepresentative webs".