Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
And today things are still pretty good.

Billy Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who says that I am the one
Well, okay, there was that city break in Bruges

What you want, baby I got.
What you need, you know I got it.
I get considerable satisfaction from working in Tesco.

Bought it at the five and dime
Played it 'till my fingers bled
Then put it on top of the wardrobe and forgot about it.

To the girl with the mousey hair
- Then she went blonde and took Macca for 25 mill.

The highway's jammed with broken heroes on last chance power drive.
Bloody M25.

Miss Otis regrets she is unable to lunch today
She's got the roaring backdoor trots.

Punctured bicycle
On a hillside desolate
Still, it was insured.

I was looking for a job
and then I found a job
I'm doing really well for myself

You could meet somebody who really loves you.
Then you do. She's really nice, and you both live happily ever after.

Medium Rare, with chips and seasonal vegetables please
Thank you.

I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still.
It was a small service. Family only, so he wasn't able to attend.

And all of your hope is gone
And your life is filled with much confusion
Because happiness is just an illusion
And you feel your world is tumbling down
You've been watching too much X-Factor

Mainly I repaint the boundaries on football pitches, cricket squares, that sort of thing.

We don't have any real friends.
So we're investing in a hyperbaric chamber and joining a book group.

Now face south.
Take the third right onto Penton Avenue and the post office is right in front of you.
Can't miss it.

I'll try not to snore. What time is your alarm going off, then?

I turn on the radio.
It's bloody Ken Bruce again, so I change to CD.

You cry out in your sleep
Because you ate cheese

I left my home in Norfolk, Virginia
California on my mind.
I walked down the high street, bought a Beach Boys album and was home for supper time.

And I'm like, "Thanks for giving her a lift to work".

And I served on the Danville train
Pushing the refreshments cart.

Well if you ever plan to motor west:
I'd recommend the M4 and then the M5. The A303 may be the scenic route but you will run into hellish traffic around Stonehenge.

I've found a new place to dwell.
The internet.

Is actually the property of Network Rail.

But not that much of a drag. I mean, we're still working and are more than comfortable financially.

I spell M.
A.
N.
Man.

Say, Big Bird, what are you doing?

Before admitting he's lost, getting out his iPhone and checking his location on Google Maps?

Thank god for inflatables.

all of these posts read out by Alan Partridge, and laughing quite a lot.

Somewhere a place for us
if Kirsty Allsopp gets her finger out

Alopbamboom

And can you read the second line?

I think bits of it keep falling down the back of the sofa.

Well, since my baby left me,
I found a new place to dwell.
5 minutes off junction 8
at the Novotel.

Hello darkness, my old friend
Sodding drummer couldn't change a lighbulb again

Asked a girl what she wanted to be
She said "Baby, can't you see?
I wanna be famous, a star on the screen,
If you're not Max Clifford, fuck off, know worra mean?"

Why do birds suddenly appear
Everytime you are near?
Could it be
That they, like me,
Long to shit on you?

A candy-colored clown they call Leon Kowalski
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper
"Wake up, it's time to die"

Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain.
He was angrily muttering to himself. Something about a lost Oyster Card and no Boris bikes around as usual. Endless people kept saying to him "Hello Boss. How are you. Are you looking for a good time?"

And the heir

Of a multimillionaire businessman and financier. I think I'll base my tax-interests offshore and become an MP and green campaigner.

And had to be careful. You wouldn't want to get it caught, would you?

And through the barricades.

Well.. we tried, but some of the barricades were a bit sturdy and I couldn't find a hole that was big enough.

With me and the girl from Clapham.
And I was right.
She married Dave the binman, you know. Lucky bastard.

To wake you from your sleep
And make love to you
And not have you say "What the bloody hell.. What time is it? What've you got in your hand? No I bloody don't want to. Bugger off. I'm going back to sleep"

In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

That's lovely darling. Pour me a gin and tonic, would you?

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I were to say to you
I play Centre Forward for Chelsea.

There are more questions than answers
on this consumer survey that I have only just started to fill in.

Until you think you have the time
to spend an evening with me
And I've got serious doormat issues

And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we'll see
I'll be kicking myself for not paying the leccy bill.

befor

'Cos I tell a joke or two.
Some people, anyway.
Other people say: "Who the fuck invited Michael McIntyre?"

I was petrified
But on closer inspection, it was just actually a funny-shaped shadow that looked a bit like a tarantula, so I was fine.

poxy satnav

Like you were walking on to a yacht
No surprise really, as it was a party on a yacht

AH-AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
3 for 2 in Somerfield

Oh - loss adjuster. Interesting.

106.2 - London's Heart.

the lion sleeps tonight

fitfully, unsure how and why he has wound up in the jungle when he really belongs on the savannah.

Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
But that vasectomy bloody hurt, if I'm honest.

If it's spoken in a language with which you're not familiar.

Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak
Somewhere in this town
Probably in the fucking JAIL, you idiot.

To see if I could feel.
Got a nasty paper cut
And I just want it to heal.

Mind you, she used to work in Ratners

Heyeye have you ever tried...

Look, I've just put the kids to bed, walked the dog and ironed your shirt. Just pull me nightie down when you're finished and don't wake me up.

I met a gin-soaked bar-room queen in Memphis
I said “Gin’s a bugger to get out - I’d whip that dress off and get it straight in the Hotpoint with some Daz, if I were you”

I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was a bailin' hay
Still, that's bob-a-job week for you.

In the mornin you go gunnin'
For the man who stole your water
And you fire till he is done in
But they catch you at the border
And now here comes Gazza, with half a roast chicken, some lager and a fishing rod.

That day I'll always remember
Hang on a mo, it might have been the twenty-seventh of April

The silicon chip inside her head
Gets switched to overload
That's definitely the last time I'm getting one these things off eBay, no matter *how* lifelike they say they are.

Arseholes, bastards, fucking cunts and
the rest of the cabinet.

She'll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca
Her lips are devil red, you know that you want to poke her..

Where you goin' with th...
Shiiiiiiitttt!

had a strange hobby
Collecting clothes
Moonshine washing line
Hundred pound fine

A bottle of red
A bottle of white
I have a schneaking shuspishun I may be a teensy bit pished

I bet you're wondering how I knew
'Bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy you knew before
Well, you put it in your Facebook status update, you two-timing git

(Incidentally, when I started this thread I crossed my fingers and hoped that a few folk might chip something in. Not only has the number of posts filled my heart with joy, but some of them have filled my keyboard with coffee. Thank you massivistas.)

Where do you go to, my lovely
When you're alone in your bed?
George Clooney on a beach, like the rest of them.

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
I blame the hat made of peanuts

And one I heard on Buzzcocks:
Oh Carol, I am but a fool
So I'll have eight vowels and one consonant

Woke up this morning feeling fine
Now that doesn't happen often, must be the Chubby Checker effect.

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Some bastard's nicked the soft top again.

We've already said goodbye
Since you gotta go
Oh you had better go now
Or I'll get the police to enforce the restraining order.

Oh the smell of the bakery from across the street
Got in my nose
But the council won't do anything about it. Don't they know who I am? I'll sue them all.

And the sky is grey
I've never felt so miserable

... and when you touch down...
Bits of you break quite badly.

One pill makes you larger, one pill makes you small
and the ones that daddy gives you
will be evidence in his forthcoming trial.

Emily tries but misunderstands
mind you, she's only eighteen months.

At the jail.

I came upon a child of God
He was walking along the road
- Damn hippy, didn't half put a dent in the bumper

that survived the flood remarkably well

You better stop dreaming of the quiet life
Why? It's all I've got to look forward to

Come On Eileen
(You add the punchline!)

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red light
I bought clear bulbs.
And I'm not that fond of lava lamps anyway.

Every little thing she does is magic
That's because she's a professional conjuror

about things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me,
Now, I've got antibiotics at least the rash has disappeared.

Michelle,
Kin 'ell,
She has norks,
The shape of the Liberty Bell,
My Michelle

1.

At home drawing pictures of mountain tops
When they're finished we display them on the door of the fridge.

2.

She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak
I admit that I have been feeling a little green around the gills.

3.

I believe them bones are me
in this X-ray image of my abdomen.

Also orange juice and cottage cheese.

Ah, the England footballers and their WAGS have arrived.

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I were to say to you
I remembered to put the bins out.

What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
I will try not to sing out of key

- and fuck it even if I do they'll just get that Autotune gizmo and make me sound AWESOME

And ambitions are low
You should probabaly get out more, find a new hobby.

I got a sixty-nine Chevy with a 396
Fuelie heads and a Hurst on the floor
Make me an offer.

Early one morning the sun was shining
I was laying in bed
Thumpingly hungover so I got up and made a strong coffee.

Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take, I'll be watching you
Until I get hit with the restraining order.

That's when I call claims direct.

there's no need to feel down.

Oh, you married Jordan.

Fire in the sty.

..of a runaway American dream
At night we watch Eastenders.

If you should ever leave me
Make sure you take that fucking cat

She may be the beauty or the beast
or just average looking..I'm not fussy at this point

Oh it's so funny seeing you here after so long girl
Did I tell you I'm signed to Stiff?

Born down in a dead mans town
...well, Nantwich.

- I don't know what it is that makes me feel alive
the fundamentals of human consciousness are so hard to pin down.
All that I can really do is restate the Cartesian maxim:
"I think therefore I am."

- It's a bit early in the midnight hour for me
things seldom get started before 12:53.

- Slide away and give it all you've got
then maybe have a go on the swings or the climbing frame.

There are places I remember all my life...

- But where the hell have I put the car thingies, you know, the - what do you call them -, the, erm, keys.

Wondering if that's where I keep the Black & Decker.

I am ill and I'm as ugly as sin
That's the match.com advert written

Don't start me talking
I could talk all night
Until Geoff starts the breakfast show at 6

Love is contagious
so make sure he double bags it, ladies

disco inferno
million dollar insurance
taken out last week

me mam will be wondering where I am

I suppose the name 'Kevorkian' on the brass plate should have been a bit of a giveaway.

If you don't answer, I'll just ring it off the wall
I pressed '2' for Customer Service
And now I'm listening to bloody Celine Dion

Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I've got a bad case of haemorrhoids

And from my favourite Elvis Presley song, Shitty Behinds

I've just had a crap
I can't walk out
Because I can't find the loo paper...

I posted this one on another message board when they partnered up with Wal-Mart.

(to the tune of The Jack)

She said she's always been on discount
But how was I to know
From the USPC code on her spine
And the flyer in isle nine
That I'd be paying full price
In the 10 items or less line...

I don't know what it is that makes me love you so
I only know I never want to let you go
Though you're fat and smelly, I hope you see
Your massive lottery win means nothing to me...

And no-one's waiting by your side.
Comfort eat and have a wank.

Wider than a mile
All those bare bums bobbing along
Certainly make me smile

"..Born Free
'til somebody caught me"

Somebody's ringing the bell.
Tell them to sod off.

I really quite liked Permission to Land

..put up a parking lot
About time too, I've been clamped
Three times this year alone

We all came down to Montreaux
On the lake Geneva shoreline
Nothing much happened
Oh..Ritchie got bitten by midges

and a fighter by his trade
urgh, is that a bit of ear in his mouth ?

She rides a Brompton

you were bloody snoring again

with these little fellas with sherbet on their bald heads

Have me chased by a monster made out of cornflakes, while my teeth fall out.