Entertainment For Lively Minds
Actors that make you feel ill
Having misread the "Acts that make you feel ill" thread twice this morning (once I mistook it for actors, the other time I assumed it meant "acts" as in "sex acts" - lots of scope for nausea), I thought I'd just go with my first instinct.
There are a handful of actors or actresses whose presence in any TV show, film or play is enough to make my blood boil. In most cases, there's no good reason. As witness:
Neil Morrissey. I don't know why I hate him. He seems perfectly nice, and has been in some good stuff (Men Behaving Badly definitely NOT included). But for some reason, I hate him. His presence in anything will make me watch the first five minutes out of bloody-mindedness, and will inevitably end with me shouting at the TV. I don't like that I feel this way; the poor man's done sod all to me. It just happens. It's visceral.
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Nail. On. Head.
Neil 'Bloody' Morrissey certainly pushes my buttons in a way that few other actors do, and I can't really figure out why. Something inscribed deep within my DNA produces a profoundly angry reflex whenever I see his gormless mug. Possibly it's because he's a long time Lad Mag totem - in him they recognise one of their own, just a beery, bellowing oaf who has accidentally blundered into an easy and well paid gig.
Witness this, it says it all. Who bought it? Nobody. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Morrisseys-Perfect-Pint-Neil-Morrissey/dp/000728...
The Amazon link says...
...only 3 left in stock, let's give it a week and see how many more he has shifted to the Great British Public ;-)
But The man has impeccible taste
As I believe he Supports The Vale
Morrissey and Nick Hancock both stink up the media ...
.. and both bang on about football endlessly (one Vale, the other Stoke).
They make me gag.
Still only three copies left...
Hurry hurry hurry folks!!
Morrissey Fox Blonde Ale
Whilst I've no interest in their book, I do have to say that the Morrissey Fox Blonde Ale is very nice indeed.
Amanda Holden
Limelight-grabbing pretend-nice lizard-faced chancer.
You are Les Dennis
and I claim £5.
Sorry
I'm really not. I'm sure even Les is a little more generous in his appraisal when considering the merits, or otherwise, of the thin-lipped poison-eyed attention-seeking knicker-dropper.
Multi-talented
Her recent vomit-inducing series for ITV - gosh! there are 3 things that I can try that I will be really good at against the odds (please ensure Mr.Producer) and also look kind of sexy at the same time
Hideous
Still find her slightly alluring though
confess
which one of you is Les Dennis?
He's not an actor, but Robert Sodding Peston
Putting stress on odd WORDS in strange PLACES and clearly under the impression that he is some sort of economics guru and not just a BBC hack.
A little of Jamie Bloody Oliver lasts me a long time as well.
When the revolution comes...
Peston should be one of the first against the wall. If only for pretty much causing the run on Northern Rock. Shitehawk.
Hermione Norris
Is one of the reasons I no longer watch Spooks
[Possibly a Spooks spoiler]
You might want to check back in the next series. Just in case it's no longer a problem.
Interesting
Any particular episode in the last series that might be worth tracking down?
Possibly not
She's in all of them, but the final episode of the series cast doubts over whether she might return.
Yes, yes, yes
I will never forgive her for the way she treated David in Cold Feet. I know I should let it go, but I just can't.
Has to be...
... Danny Dyer.
I'd add Tom Cruise - he just looks permanently smug. To be fair, if I was married to Katie Homes I'd look smug - but you know that's not the reason for his self-satisfied grin.
Kirsty and Phil, Gok Wan, Trinnie and Susannah,
Supernanny, Mylene Klass, Eammon Holmes, Nicky Cambell, Michael McIntyre, Jimmy Carr, Gillian McKeith, Reggie Yates, Vernon Kaye, George Lamb, Chris Moyles, Peter Kay, any member of the Osborne family who isn't Ozzy, Ant and Dec, Katie Price, Robert Pattinson, that pillock who goes round the world with Ewan MacGregor, Ewan MacGregor.
I'll get back to you later... I'm sure I've forgotten a few.
Not the fragrant Mylene, GOD no!
She is all sweet smelling and fragrant and I bet she kisses with tongues and is very bendy and a bit dirty (in my fevered imaginings). Plus she can play the piano a bit, but does not do it nude which is what all the professionals do, so she should shape up and go pro.
Whilst chasing burglars out of the back garden ...
with the nearest sharp instrument.
... and Charley Boorman
it can only be his father's sage, professional advice that has prevented him from entering the acting profession.
But he did...
...he wrecked his dad's "Excalibur" - Nicol Williamson's finest moment!
I didn't know that
my car crash reflex is kicking in.. Dare I look?
No...
...he plays Mordred - the illicit offspring of Helen Mirren and Nigel Terry (Arthur and his half-sister) and seems a bit creepy and strangely dubbed. A bit like in real life.
Just noticed its actors.
A slight misunderstanding on my part.
Can I nominate that wazzock from the BT adverts who was in My Family and Love Actually? The very sight of him produces something irrational in me.
Will Mellor.
'nuff said.
David Tennant
Probably in a minority of one but he riles me, so self satisfied
James 'Jimmy' Nesbitt.
Can't put my finger on why.
Looks smug. Probably isn't.
Can act, I'm sure.
Just don't like 'im.
Agree completely
Comes across as smug as smug can be
Absolutely.
Nesbitt riles me.
Hate Nesbitt...
... whenever he's interviewed he goes on about Northern Ireland as though he's the only person that ever lived there. But worse of all is that smug smile which he incorporates into all his roles - and why does he keep going on about Man Utd - he is a c*nt.
He looks exactly like Shrek
I was watching him in a film recently ("10 minutes of Heaven") and on the big screen he is an absolute dead ringer for the green-skinned ogre.
James 'Jimmy' Nail
only because of the stories I've heard from people who've worked with him. None of them good.
I cannot abide
Jim Carrey or Will Smith,just cannot stand to see even a split second of either of them.A pox on both their houses.It's all been a bit stressful today,what with having to think about these two and UB40.I need a wee dram and a quiet lie down in the dark.
Deviating from my own thread...
...these are actually newsreaders. Matthew Amroliwala is a pretend man, constructed entirely out of bits of Ken that were considered too unrealistic to actually hit the shelves next to the lovely Barbie. He's just not plausible, and I scream when he comes on the news.
I used to feel the same way about Tim Willcox, but then I was actually interviewed in da studio by him on News 24 and he was lovely, so I had to revise my opinion. Mispronounced my name though. The plastic bastard.
Did he introduce you as
idio-beer?
:-)
I have an unusual surname.
Idio'bear is my first name, and is eminently normal.
Alastair Stewart
and that holier than thou mask of moral indignation that he wears instead of a face. And he's been done for drunk driving.
Twice
I believe.
Thick Of It flashback...
...re. Paxo, not Stewart, but the "mask of moral indignation" reminded me:
"So what are you going to do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock incredulity?"
I think *hate* is a bit strong...
but I struggle to watch anything that features the following actors...
Catherine Tate
Kenneth Branagh
Emma Thompson
Hugh Grant
Jim Carey (apart from The Truman Show)
Drew Barrymore
Jim Carey
You should try "The Incredible Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" if you haven't seen it. Unless you worry that it might be even more frustrating to know that underneath all the gurning he can actually act a bit.
Oi, lay off Hugh - and Emma
Hugh Grant is a bloody good actor, an absolute master of comic timing, and capable of doing other things too. He's brilliant in 4 Weddings, and very good in Remains of the Day, An Awfully Big Adventure, Extreme Measures, Bridget Jones, to name a few.
Emma Thompson is a nothing less than a national treasure, and I won't hear a word against her. Her performance in The Remains Of The Day was heartbreaking, and better than the one that got her an oscar for Howard's End, as far as I'm concerned. And she should have got an oscar for scene-stealing in An Education, absolutely priceless.
With you on Hugh.
Emma T gets on my tits, though.
Although she was brilliant in the otherwise arse Love, Actually. Understated and just so, so skilled she made the rest of the cast look like amateurs.
I can't stand luvvies...
and Branagh and Thompson are perhaps the worst offenders I can think of.
"Oh darling you were simply marvellous in 'Frankenstein'! MWAH! MWAH!"
Ghastly.
Straw man alert
Yeah, like they actually had that conversation. What is a luvvie, really? And as a matter of interest, does being one preclude you from being a good actor?
I was attempting to be humorous...
and yes, one can be a good actor and be a luvvie, but unfortunately I can't separate their off-screen personas from their on-screen ones. I think we might have to agree to disagree on this.
"Ken, Ken.. Where are you, luv?"
"I'm in the kitchen, darling"
"Ooh.. Can I be in it too?"
Ha ha
LOL etc. But to be fair, they are both extremely talented. Branagh, like the much-maligned Lloyd Webber, is a national treasure and certainly doesn't deserve the short shrift he appears to attract.
Although 'Peters Friends' didn't
do any of that generation any favours whatsoever.
I didn't have much time for Branagh
but Wallander has made me warm to him. That said, I haven't seen the Swedish version, which is apparently much better.
I have
its better in the sense that the settings fit better and the names are pronounced correctly, Val-AN-der. Still a bit bleak and intense for me though.
The problem I have with Branagh is that everything he does has to be so bloody Shakespearian. The over-acting really gets my goat, surely the art of acting should be to make the viewer believe the illusion and not solely to prove what a fine actor they are.
Keeley Hawes
simply cannot act. Very nice looking and I'm sure she's a smashing person but she cannot act for toffee. Her presence on the cast list is like hanging a big diversion sign over the programme or a reminder that I ought to cut my toenails or, well, anything else really.
The Axis of Evil
Postlethwaite/Hoskins/Caine.
Am I alone in thinking of Robin Williams here?
So smug & worthy: just the thought of his patented "bravely smiling though his heart is aching" look is enough to make me squirm. Anyone who wants to counter with his undoubted comedic talents is kindly steered towards "Patch Adams".
I know what you mean
but his one redeeming role is Keating in DPS - I'll not have a bad word said about it.
Can I Raise You a
One Hour Photo?
I'll see your One Hour Photo (though I've not seen it)
and raise you a Fisher King. Good performance in one of my favourite movies.
the Plank of Wood
known as Jude - how, why, where?
at least Gattaca was so good even he couldn't ruin it
So far down the page and
So far down the page and still no mention of Nicolas Cage?! How odd...
Seconded
Thirded fourthed and fifthed if that's allowed. Teeth on edge etc. just thinking about him. I could just, DOH! AAAArgh!
Raising Arizona
Great film... good performance from Nic Cage... you only need to watch this film to see how little he has progressed in 25 years.
Frizzy haired..
...Andie Macdowell
Annoying.
4 Weddings is a fine film ...
... except for her. Whenever it comes on the telly I have the same internal wrangling about whether to watch it, whether her appearance is overcome by the generally excellent remaining cast, or not.
Maybe I should just tape it judiciously, leaving her out of it altogether? In much the same way as a planes-fan I know managed to judiciously tape Top Gun so it only included the flying scenes - got it down to 35 minutes I believe.
Brad Pitt
Totally crap. Really struggle to understand what he's saying.
Horrible in everything....
...except Ocean's Eleven. He's perfect in that.
First saw him in
12 Monkeys, absolutely brilliant film and he was good, albeit a minor part.
If I were a more cynical chap than I am...
I would put forward the quite unthinkable suggestion that his success has been down to his good looks. As if the entertainment business could be so shallow...
Avoid
Bill Nighy? Noey. Too hammy and overdone for me.
Talking of hammy - Julia Roberts with Richard Gere especially Runaway Bride. The horror, the horror! She's so adorably goofy, he smarmily patronises her character. Yuck! Nausea follows.
new
Amanda Holden in that Big Top programme is so bad, in fact I have an irrational hatred of her. I get the feeling that she used Les Dennis to get in the game ,then screwed Neil Morrissey and hey presto she is now famous. Wonder how she got the job on BGT. As far as I can see she has no talent whatsoever.
There is one exception to this:
The Grimleys, where she is actually rather close to perfect. But Noddy Holder was even better.
The entire cast of
Harry Potter.
Emma Watson
is beeeeeeeeeeeautiful, though. And I belong in jail.
I actually like Dan Radcliffe, too. He's not much cop as an actor, but seems like a nice kid, all things considered.
Emma Watson is 19
So for what reason do you belong in chokey?
Spirit of the law.
Not letter. I don't think, as a 32 year old man, I have any business feverishly rubbing my thighs in the direction of an until-recently-child star. Sadly, that doesn't stop me.
Fight you for her
Anyway, I'm just about young enough to be seen purely as a golddigger rather than lecherous - something which can often be a fine line
Adam Sandler
He's just not sympathetic enough to be a comic actor, if one of his characters gets into trouble I don't think "Gee I hope he gets out of it" I just think "Well...good"
Can't watch Cameron Diaz either. She's got dead eyes, like they don't connect properly to the rest of her. She may be beautiful but she makes my skin crawl.
Sandler is perfect
in Funny People. I detest absolutely everything else he's done, though, and that is directly attributable to his performances.
I LOVED Funny People. It's really funny, and actually rather moving.
I actually liked
The Wedding Singer.
Almost uniquely for an Adam Sandler film, the character he played wasn't a charmless gimboid that you'd want to punch in the head repeatedly. And Drew Barrymore was fairly watchable too.
Just a pity Billy Idol looked about 90.
Agree on Peston ...
... but not on the Rock. Peston is too mannered - bit too 'matey' in print as well which sometimes obscures rather than illuminates. But Peston broke an important story exposing the venality and cretinous behaviour of an entire class. Idiot management blinding themselves to their own ignorance by shovelling borrowed money (ours) down their own throats - by contrast the Rock staff have every right to be very angry.
Yeah, he got it right on the Rock.
But his Gandalf Stormcrow routine thereafter, which the Beeb enthusiastically endorsed and plastered wall-to-wall over its airwaves, thereby forcing all the other news media to run similar stuff, led directly - I'm SURE of this - to the recession being worse than it had to be.
The markets react to the news, of course they do, so if you've got Peston roaming down every street in the land with a megaphone and a bell, yelling "BRIIING.... um.... err.... OUT yerdead UMMMMM", that's going to frighten the horses. I mean, obviously, there would have been a recession anyway, but he and the BBC news team did as much as anyone to make it worse.
"And now, over to Sir Robert Peston, Emeritus Professor of making everything sound shit, who's waiting at the Stock Exchange to explain why we're all fucked. Interminably, and in a weird voice."
I love this description...
... thanks! We are still f***d mind
Actually
Yeah. Nail. Head. etc
Ikea Knightly
When the pout starts and the mouth opens...turn off.
Incidentally has anyone tried to sit through the Sleuth remake? Three alumni of this post (Branagh, Caine and Law)in an eye-wateringly ill judged desecration of a much loved favourite. Dear old Larry would be turning in his etc etc
Martin Shaw - Robson Green - Ray (alright mate) Winston
I simply cannot watch anything with this arse in. That judge programme well, I know TV has to bend reality to make things interesting, but that's bloody ridiculous, and his acting with that syruppy annoying voice. Should have packed it all in after The Professionals.
Robson Green, what's that all about? Professional Geordie, always banging on about Newcastle United but has never been in anything that required any acting talent whatsoever, and now there's a programme about him fishing! Wow, Robson Green and fishing, what a ratings winner that is.
Ray Winston. Probably a fine actor but has taken over the professional cockney role from Bob Hoskins. Wonder if he gets paid in jellied eels.
That'll do for now. Must take a pill and calm down.
I like Robson' s eccentric psychologist
Dr Hill in Wire In The Blood. But he still has to go a long way to redeem himself for...and Jerome.
Renee Zelweger
If she's in it, I won't watch it...I think its the scrunchy face she has, its very off putting
David Threlfall
The most luvvy of all luvvies.
Jodhi May. Shut. Your. Mouth.
Patterson Joseph. Always with one eye on something better that never comes.
Idris Elba. On-set tales of his forthcoming new series paint him in a very different light. Never forget you started out in Channel 5 soap Family Affairs, Driis.
Nicholas Lyndhurst. Wet and rude.
The entire Fiennes family. Taking themselves way, way too seriously.
Helen McCrory. Big gob.
Alex Kingston. Too much hair. Tracy-Ann Oberman outshines you.
Martine McCutcheon. How she threw it all away.
Hugh Grant. If you don't like acting or being famous then go and open a garden centre and shut the fuck up. You're crap anyway.
Any actor who does that I lead a normal life and I'm just like you schtick while secretly being a demanding prima donna. That'll be most of them, then.
I guess you're an actor five-centres
ah hahahahaha
and you're wrong
Too many To Name
but Chris Quinten aka Brian Tilsley holds a special place for me. A man so wooden he had a sponsorship deal with Ronseal. You got splinters watching the man. when he got Stabbed in the series he didn't so much bleed as leak sap.
Brilliant
You should have been his agent. Summed him up perfectly.
Brian Tilsley, Wembley, 1992
Arrived for the Blackpool v Scunthorpe 4th Division Play Off Final, with a couple of blonde streetlets in his thrall.
Brian Tilsley, Wembley, 1992
Arrived for the Blackpool v Scunthorpe 4th Division Play Off Final, with a couple of blonde streetlets in his tanned yet grubby thrall.
Tom Hanks
TH is the least convincing actor I have even seen. Any playing a gangster do me a favour.
Sue Bloody Perkins
I don't think she is an actor, but somehow is considered a comedian. I watched her on Monday ruin a perfectly good idea - restoring an ailing brass band - with her continuous 'funny' facial expressions, her 'funny' contribution to a brass band (bongos? wtf?!) and her 'funny' asides. The idea was that as winner of a orchestra-conducting reality show, she could add value to a brass band. What!?
agree about Sue bloody Perkins
loved Victor Lewis Smith's description of the godawful Mel and Sue as "the only double act with 2 straight men - except they're both women - and only one of them is straight" .
Biggins
This is a literal one. I was recovering from a pretty nasty bug, and tried to watch the edition of 'Celebrity Come Dine With Me' he featured in. He literally made me suffer a relapse.
I've no problem with him as an actor, but he just doesn't bother with acting any more - it's all reality shows and just 'being Biggins'.
He was in 'Minder' the other day.
Played Arfur's tailor - and he didn't measure his inside leg once.
no Sean Pertwee yet?
Son of Worzel has been rubbish in every thing I've seen him in - especially some of the worst British movies ever made - Blue Juice, Love Honour and Obey, I.D., 51st State, Dirty Weekend - what an appalling CV!
(some mates say Dog Soldiers was an Ok movie - but I couldn't watch because it had Pertwee in it.)
Keith Allen.
Keith Allen.
I'm a geezer me..
no Mr Allen, you are an untalented, unprincipled wanker.
Keith Allen wins ...
This is no longer metaphorical - whilst writing this I can FEEL my heart rate increasing as I remember the lazy tosser.
A couple of weeks ago he was asked to introduce the premiere of "Oil City Confidential", a rock-doc by Julien Temple.
Keef was being broadcast live by satellite to cinemas across the UK, as well as to a local audience of several hundred in London.
Since he is, in fact, Keith Allen, no preparation was required. He had nothing. Not a sausage. To say he embarrassed himself would be wrong - the bastard does not have that level of awareness - what he did do was simultaneously bore AND irritate several thousand people. Not an easy trick to pull off.
Thankfully, after a couple of minutes Julien Temple appeared, and, on the odd occasions when Keith shut his face, managed to get in a few words about the movie, the people he had worked with, and how pleased he was we had bothered turning up.
Keith gurned uselessly through this, and then, predictably, swore (this is 7.30 on a Tuesday night). Oh how radical. The man is a useless worthless fuck.
Were he on fire, I should not cross the road to piss on him.
Good liver
When you are described as an 'actor and bon viveur', as Keith Allen regularly is, you are basically as well known for being a drunken twat as you are for doing what your actual 'job' is. And I'm not sure he does really act, he just plays himself. A bit like the Argos Jack Nicholson.
Matt Damon
Matt Damon
Will Smith
Leanardo Dicaprio (Dear Martin Scorsese, please stop putting him in your movies)
Nicolas Cage (He was good in Adaptation but most of the time he's horrible)
Matt is perfect
as Jason Bourne.
Leo is an extremely good actor; a lot of people can't seem to get away from their preconceptions of him from his 'pretty boy'/Titanic phase.
They are both excellent in The Departed.
James Corden
I repeat...........James Bloody Corden ;o( A major irritant whenever I turn on my TV.
exemption
The History Boys, where he was actually rather good
Also very good
in Mike Leigh's otherwise pretty dismal All Or Nothing.
he's not bad in Starter For Ten
and Gavin and Stacey is brilliant. even series 3.
That sketch
With the England team is soooo unfunny.
Kenneth More
goddamn him. Oh, he's dead, sorry
Any film
... with Sean Penn in it is annoying to watch, because:
a) he always appears to be 'acting', while
b) giving the impression that he is pretty damned pleased with the serious 'acting' that he gets up to.
but Sean Penn is so goddamn awesome in Carlito's Way
Well he is. Maybe it's the Art Garfunkel wig...
Have we had
Jack Black yet?
John Wayne
Not sure why John has escaped so far - perhaps because he's so obvious?
I can't stand to be in the same room as him with his faux macho "the hell I will" and his in-your-face patriotism. Especially knowing, that unlike other Hollywood stars who enlisted in the ranks, during WW11 he stuck to entertaining the troops: "the hell he won't." And queued up to denounce fellow actors during the McCarthy witch hunts. And who can forget him spanking Maureen O'Hara for not knowing her womanly place? Unfortunately my parents watch him over and over again and I get a frequent glimpse of what makes him so nauseating.
Feel the bile rising even as I type.
And thence to the age old
And thence to the age old dilemma - how much does the personal life of the star affect how much you like (or not) the work?
There are plenty of actors I don't like because, well, they can't act.
If I had to approve of their personal lives, the list of actors I could like would be restricted to James Stewart.
And I really, really, like John Wayne. Especially in The Searchers.
It does tend to put me off
It does tend to put me off them as an actor if I don't like them as a person. But in this case, I don't like him as either.
Adam Woodyatt (Ian Beale)
How is he still gainfully employed? Maybe they can't think of an appropriately awful way of killing him off.
tim roth
made a little go a very long way.
surely not
Meantime
made in Britain
Reservoir dogs
Pulp Fiction
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead
Vincent and Theo
The Incredible Hulk
Four Rooms..... oh yeah that was rubbish!
but still I can't say it loud enough MADE IN BRITAIN!!!!!!
Actors that make me sick
Leonardo di caprio. I just want to punch the man every time I see him.