Such a sad thing. You have my condolences. One of my closest schoolfriends took his own life a few years ago. We'd drifted apart, as you do, but it still came as a shock.

There's nothing you could have done, I would imagine.

No one knows what really goes on behind the closed doors of a relationship.

There's nothing much I can add to what you've already expressed, but suffice to say: yes, good neighbourliness is crucial if we're to get through the next 200 years.

I live in an otherwise selfish, insular area of South-West London - or so I thought. The other day, my flimsy shopping bag split, goods Jenga-ing into the road. A perfect stranger, whose house I was passing, dashed in without a word and retrieved another for me. 2 minutes later, another perfect stranger rushed up with another bag. She'd nipped round the corner to the local shop to get one specially.

Little moments like these make life worth hanging on to. I'm so sorry your neighbours felt like they couldn't anymore.

It really isn't. You were everything that anyone reasonably expects from a neighbour - you opened up communications which could be taken forward if they had wanted or been able to.

I have some experience of this and know something of how you feel, though it was not so direct.

In the early 90s, I was a councillor in England (never again, but that's another story). I had a regular sparring partner on the opposite benches and, although it sounds like a bit of a cliche, you do develop a bit of respect for one another. Anyway, I was moving back up to Scotland and saying my goodbyes at the council. I was about to knock on his office door to say "Well, I'm off. It's been a pleasure though - true enough about your enemies being the ones sitting beside you eh? " etc. But I didn't. I thought "Fuck it - too much to do, not enough time to do it as it is" and went off to pack some boxes.

A few months later, I heard that he'd killed himself. His wife had left him for someone else and taken the kids with her. I'd no idea.

Would it have made any difference if I'd knocked on that door? Almost certainly not - though that hasn't stopped me from thinking about it over the years.

I don't have any answers, I'm afraid, other than that you should not allow these things to get into your head. People make their own choices; you cannot bear the consequences for them.

That's not to say that events like this should leave us unmoved or even unchanged. As you say:

And if you know anyone who’s depressed, or just down or even someone who’s had a rubbish day, go and give them a hug or a smile or just let them know you’re there.

That's the thing to take forward.

but thanks for posting that.

Almost exactly 5 years ago a good friend committed suicide. I spoke to him only 12 hours or so before he did it. It was a really friendly, positive conversation, talking among other things about the future. I didn't have the slightest inkling of what he was intending to do.

I've sat around for hours with my wife, with friends trying to make sense of it; trying to see if there were any clues, if there was anything any of us could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome. After talking for hours and hours over days and weeks none of us could come up with anything.

So please don't think it's anything that you are responsible for. If it hadn't happened yesterday it would most likely have been some other time.

I'd really like to think a smile, a hug or a kind word could make a difference, but when the monster of depression is involved I'm not sure that it can.

But that doesn't mean you (or anyone) shouldn't try.

But thanks for a great post. I think you've got the right perspective on it.

It's difficult to know what to say.
You never know what demons are lurking within people, and whether there would have been any way back.
I agree that it does make you think about other people and how you view them/interact with them.

There, always good to start with "the bleedin' obvious," as my old supervisor used to say. It's highly, highly unlikely that anything you had done differently could have affected the outcome. After all, you had absolutely no reason to suspect the carnage that was going on this couple's life. You didn't like the man, and it doesn't sound as though you had much reason to like him - this doesn't make you a bad person, any more than it makes him a bad person. It's just how it was.

There's a big difference between clinical depression and being utterly miserable and fed up (which is me much of the time). A few years ago my friend committed suicide. He had everything, a great career, a loving family ... nothing that would make him depressed or suicidal ... but he had an uncontrollable illness that dominated and took over his life just as much as diabetes or severe hypertension might have done. With a chronic debilitating illness like depression it's no use thinking "If only I had said something ..." Of course, that doesn't stop me wondering in retrospect every week if I might have somehow steered him towards treatment that could have made a difference.

I hope that it's been, to some extent at least, cathartic and helpful to you to relate this tragedy on here and get some support. Don't forget yourself in all of it - it was a deeply upsetting event and you were very close to it. I'd hate think that you wouldn't seek some help in working it through (if you feel you want to and in whatever way works for you) because you 'didn't really know them' or you don't somehow feel you have the right to be affected deeply by it.

Be gentle with yourself.

My best wishes to you, Steve.

but in some cases, if someone wants to do it, there's nothing you can do. A friend of mine's daughter tried everything - all kinds of medication, therapy, religion; she battled it for years and she used to say that her quality of life wasn't worth the struggle.
The happiest we'd seen her in ages was in her last few days, on reflection we realized that was probably because she'd made the decision. Her mother joined a support group and quite a few said the same thing, I suppose it's because they feel they're finally going to be "at peace."
Desperately bleak, and you wouldn't be human if you weren't upset and asking yourself if you could have prevented it. But in some cases, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

I realise this isn't your usual blog fare, but it seemed an important thing to raise, albeit in part perhaps for selfish reasons. Steve above hits the nail on the head - putting down my thoughts in print did feel cathartic, finally allowing me to hunt and capture this fluttering sense of unease that has circled me ever since I heard what happened.

I am definitely fine, I promise you all, and I really don't feel I could have changed anything fundamental, but those doubts do have a habit of lurking just out of reach and it's always nice to have them dismissed.

To those who have been touched by such things in far more personal ways than I can imagine, thanks for your comments and I hope it isn't too painful to stir the memories up again. To those who just thought it all too depressing, I apologise; maybe Stick's story of small acts of kindness is what we should all take away from it.

As somebody said, this has been a remarkable year for world news, and we've still got a long way to go.

As somebody else said, this small corner of the world has felt a little harsher from time to time of late.

This discussion, sad though its subject is, is a heartwarming example of the small corner, and hence the world, at its best.

Thank you, one and all.

of an all too frequent occurrence. Sadly my brother in law took his own life 12 years ago.He was a lovely guy, funny, articulate and artistic. He was in a band that had just released their first album and he was about to embark on a tour including South America.At 27 his life was ahead of him. Unfortunately recalling historical family tragedies radically affected his well being and he descended into an uncharacteristic depression. The family did everything to try and lift him. At times he seemed to be swinging back to his normal demeanour but this was probably a fleeting illusion. He was a big fan of Steve Harley and he and I had tickets to go and see him. Unfortunately he ended his life the day before. I often wonder if we had managed to get to that gig whether things would have changed. Obviously will never know but it is still something I think of even now.
You very eloquently described the circumstances with your neighbours and it really does bring home the fact that we are powerless to alter the course of a life. I think even had you known the situation and tried to lend the hand of support it wouldnt have made any difference. Certainly that is my experience.

I'm told that once the suicidally depressed make their mind up to kill themselves there's nothing that the rest of us can do to change it.

My best mate's Dad killed himself; and whilst we, who thought we knew him as a great role model, and a fundamentally sound bloke, in our childhoods, realised we didn't know him that well; the nagging thought was, naturally, whether we could have done anything. His funeral was even worse, when all the groups of his friends & acquaintances were there, and the unspoken sense of incomprehension about it was immense. I can't imagine how his family took it, some things are too big to comprehend.

It's always "wrong", it never ever makes sense. And there are always a group of people left wishing they could have done something different which would have changed things. Which isn't to say stop caring, but just to be aware that there are limits to what any of us could affect.

but my dad finally killed himself five years ago. I say finally, as he first attempted suicide when I was 18. I like to think I got a bonus 12 years with him.

At the time - and for years afterwards, I felt like I was somehow to blame, like I could have done more to save or protect him. Of course it wasn't the case, but it took a long time for me to accept that.

Another person close to me has also been hospitalised with depression. She'd phone me daily, and cry on the phone for hours on end. The day she phoned me whispering "I'm hiding in a bush, I'm too scared to leave it", was the day I managed to persuade her that she needed some help. I love this person more than life itself, but she's told me that if I want to stay in her life, I have to accept the fact that one day she'll probably kill herself, and it'll be her decision alone and that I won't be able to stop her. This is utterly hideous to accept, but accept it I must. Happily, she's doing really well at the moment.

If there's someone in your life who's depressed, all you can do is to offer your support, love and friendship, but understand that you can't save someone on their behalf. And do treasure your loved ones while you can.

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

oh god I could do with a hug now.

much love to you all. xxxx

just thank Christ you weren,t affected by the Carbon Monoxide yourself...as a heating engineer i come across it a lot during investigations of faulty appliances, often reported by neighbours adjacent to where the actual fault is.

Two women who lived in our street took their lives. A couple of years separated the events but both affected my mum deeply. She always felt that she should or could have done something.

Where I now live, a strange couple live opposite. The wife interacts with no-one, shunning all contact. The husband is similarly rather reticent, but not to the same extent. And I wonder. Are they happy living their lives like this? Are they just chronically shy? Will we soon be looking at a horror scenario as per Uncle Monty's? They have two teenaged kids, both of whom seem very normal, happy, well-adjusted people. It is an odd scenario.