All this is true, and in true Littlejohn style, "You could not make it up".
Back in 2003 my GLW and I had an mid October break planned, and bouyed by the forecast of unseasonally warm weather, we decided to go on a few days walking holiday up in Ullapool.
Now neither of us had ever been up there but we were recommended this particular hotel in Ullapool in which to base ourselves.
So, on the Sunday I made the call to book our stay.
This is pretty much verbatim as to how the convo went...
(The voice of The Hotelier is best imagined in the soft lilting West Highland accent that the folk of Ullapool have: think Duncan MaCrae or Para Handy if you will).
"Ringringring"
Hotelier: "Hello, ******** Hotel, how can I help you".
Me: "Hi, I would like to book a double room please for next Monday Tuesday and Wednesday nights please".
H: "'am affa sorry but were closing the morra. Weel when I say we're closin', I dinna mean for good, jist for the fortnight, cos me and the wife are away to Tenareefy on Monday. Noo we dinna usually close the hotel when we go awa, 'cos her Faither usually looks efter the place when we're on oor hols, but he is no been affy weel recently. We thocht he wis havin' a hert attack last week and we took him to the doctors, but the man said that that he had a (pause) urinary tract infection. Noo we thocht that if he had that, his pains wid be doon there, if you ken wit I mean, not in his chest. Noo the Doctors an affa nice man, but jeest a bairn ye ken, naw like Dr *******, he wis a proper doctor. So we hiv decided to close up for the twa weeks, just to be on the safe side".
M: "Oh thats a pity. Um, can you recommend anywhere else in Ullapool to stay?".
H: "Weel in depends whit yer efter. Is it a Bed And Breakfast, or a place that does evening meals? There is even a temperance place if ye dinnae like a dram".
Me, cutting to the chase: "Well, let me put it this way... if YOU were going to Ullapool, and YOUR hotel was shut, where would you want to stay?
Hotelier: "Och that's easy. I would go to my sisters place, she has got a spare room noo that her Brian's awa tae university".