I fell in with Bronwen falling out the union bar
So we gave it a go, although it didn’t go too far
She had too much cider, I had too much beer
But I send her my love and a bang on the ear

I glimpsed the goddess Amber in the pub from afar
In truth she would have made a corpse go "phwoar"
Never spoke a word to her, such was my fear
But I send her my lurve and a bang on the ear

Tracey was the first for me, I met her at my work
She wouldn't let me touch her, and so I felt a berk
And twenty five years later, I found out she's ginger beer
But I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

When I fell in love with Jill, I didn’t know there’d be a price.
She broke my heart not just once, but went and did it twice.
The ache has long since passed, so I can hold her memory dear,
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

Rachel was another lass I really ought to mention
As soon as I laid eyes on her I was standing to attention
She had God-given gifts that made all the fellas leer
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear

"You're a very pretty girl Louise" as Orange Juice once cooed
Well Edwyn should have seen the one that I successfully wooed
We parted in the end "as friends": in that we were sincere
Still send each other Christmas cards, in lieu of bangs on the ear

"My first love was Penny, at first it went so well
We worked and lived together, heaven slowly went to hell
Soon the penny dropped, another love - it all came clear
But she stays in my heart, with a bang on the ear.

"With Jane I laid my hat, love hit me like a train
She was a fiery red-head, burned too bright to tame
Laid with a good friend - two lost, a price so dear
But I've no time for grudges,so both, here's a bang on the ear"

I used to date Alex, til I asked him one day,
"Has it ever occurred to you that you might be gay?"
He's still my best friend, and I hold him so dear,
so I send him my love, not a bang on the ear.

And then there was Simon! We were seeing each other.
Turned out my friend Paula was also his lover.
She and I were flabbergasted, we'd had no idea.
I send him no love, just a bang on the ear.

Tara was the sister, of my best pal at school
I was so in love with her, I was a smitten fool.
But her boyfriends name was Tam and he loved her too sincere.
So I gave them my love and a bang on the ear.

Bland maybe. But true.

Margaret was my first love and she will be my last,
I rode her in the Derby and guess what, we came last
I stroked her and caressed her as the crowd gave out a cheer
but I gave her my best, and a bang on the ear

When I met Emily, my eyes popped out of their socket
This lady soon will be called Mrs ganglesprocket
My love for her gets stronger, every single year
But if she read this I'll get a bang on the ear.

(She never reads this blog)

Sara was the very first to steal my heart away
And fifteen years along, she's flying Boeings for BA.
Please feel free to add a "cockpit" joke of your choice here.
Still, I send her fond love, and a bang on the ear.

This girl named Imogen took my fancy something savage
And I knew that getting off with her would be batting above my average
But I'm living proof that it can pay to persevere
(and I'd still give her considerably more than a bang on the ear)

...GREAT thread idea. Nice one!

The nameless girl across the corridor, who flew away so fast
After catching me applying a sanitary towel to my arse
The cyst had gone yet still she ran away in fear
I send her my love and a bang on the rear

Tom was from work, we dated a few times,
Then he dumped me for my colleague at the desk next to mine.
But still, they got married, had a kid last year,
I send them my love and a bang on the ear.

Gavin was Scottish, I met him down the pub,
Just split up from his wife, timing wasn't good,
Fell for him completely, though I never made it clear,
But I'd send him my love and a bang on the ear.

Lesli lived in a trailer, down near Thorpe Park
We met in Halfords, selling bikes was a lark,
In the stock cupboard, I rode her like a steer,
But I'd send her my love and a bang on the ear.

Chloe was so smart that she couldn’t help but charm me
She taught me everything she knew and I made her origami
But after I fell ill she said goodbye and disappeared
Still I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

Sarah never went to school, we used to go mitching*
I can remember her dancing to Russ Abbott in her mum's kitchen
I love a party with a happy atmosphere
so I send her my love and a bang on the ear

(*westcountry slang for playing truant, honest)

Ian, he was older, and drove big noisy trucks
I used to skive off sixth form and go home for sneaky...hugs
And as we're still together, I think perhaps it's clear
The recipe for love is lots of chocs and bangs and beer.

Fiona was about my age but sexually superior
I spent one happy summer exploring her interior
Her outbursts of temper were what caused me to fear
But I send her my love despite the bangs on my ear.

Beckie the brat loved a practical joke
She tormented the neighbours and regular folk
To be honest she deserved a kick up the rear
But I settled for less and a clip round the ear

Sean is now my husband, been married now for years,
Should be wrapping presents, while filled with Christmas cheer
Instead he's gone out with his brother, for a pint or two of beer,
but if he comes home pissed, he'll get a bang on the ear.

Smoking dope with Melanie in a hotel room in Calcutta
The Japanese across the hall thought we were both nutters
I left while she was sleeping, so quiet she couldn’t hear
Now I’m sending her my love with a bang on the ear.

Ruth I met in Goa, she had gorgeous raven hair
She worked for Aer Lingus, instead of Ryan Air
She took me home for Christmas and I drank too much beer
I send her my apologies and a bang on the ear

Gav was the last chap I expected to meet,
not my usual type... but swept me off my feet.
We fell in love & married in just over a year...
I send him my love and a kiss on the ear.

Mel you were my first love, you sat next to me in class
Our friendship was platonic but was fated not to last
Your family moved to Dublin the same day I turned eight years
So I send my love to Ireland with a bang on the ear

Ian when we kissed over the twenty-sided dice
You really weren’t my type but I admit it felt quite nice
You left the world by your own hand, your family in tears
I send my love belatedly with a bang on the ear.

Maggie was an osteopath and crazy, batty, bonkers
But she liked me very much - I was in up to the conkers
She wore a wicked grin and black silk stockings very sheer
I remember her with lust and a bang on the ear

Debbie was an air hostess with whom I made a blunder
A pretty face, a charming smile, she rent my heart asunder
But that was a long time ago, now almost twenty years
But still I wish her well, and a bang on the ear.

Dennis looked like Jimi, headband held his curls in place
He smiled at me and angels started singing Purple Haze
But all that perfect beauty only filled my heart with fear
I send him my love ( Are you bald yet, dear ? )

Allison I followed like a puppy on a lead
She went off to sail the ocean, and left my heart to bleed
The night I finally kissed her, was the last time I would see her
And I send her my love, and a bang on the ear

I fell for her so hard, I fell for her so fast,
Pat made me wait an age, as she knew that this would last,
Years later she drives me crazy, but my heart still holds her dear,
I'll always give to her my love, and a bang on the ear.

Conor had a dirty smig, I thought that he was drole
He drew a spider on my arm and thus my heart he stole
I drew myself a wedding dress, our plans they seemed so clear
I sent him my love, I got a bang on the ear

I once loved the bogman, who wore hawaiian shirts
he was a mad music man, inspired by what hurts
A sad song resulted from my shoe meeting his ear
I wrote him a song too, but not a note did he hear

Jen she was a Yankee, Chicago girl to boot
A familiar path was followed: Courtship, kissing, root.
But Dublin was the zenith: St. Louis the nadir
Still I'm sending her my love, and a bang on the ear.

Michael he is from New York, a bronx boy he is
We fell in love in L.A. and by the end of summer it had all faded away
Thoughts of him still make me smile yes even today
So he'll always have my love, and a bang on the ear.

I first set eyes on Sandra, had to get her in my life.
What blessings she has brought me, oh my darling wife.
She is my guiding star, my best friend down the years
I give her my love and a bang on the ear

Our first love would when apart, beat my young hearts shame
Then Kate went away to college, and left lost I ended the pain

I don't bump into her anymore, but we did grow up with our emotions austere
I was a fool to love lost, and needed that bang on the ear

is impressed, he twittered last night 'this is so great, Word mag readers write 100 verses to Bang on the Ear' and posted the link'

Zoe the gorgeous taught the shy boys how to kiss
But when it came to me she said "Now him I'll miss"
I cursed my lousy, stinking luck - she really was a dear
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear

Music's been a constant, from when I was very small
Now no space for the separates, the Bisto girls take it all
Oh to have the funds for vinyl played crystal clear
Alas it's not to be, Bang & Olufsen's way too dear

The first time we met we were both on a horse
She thought I couldn't ride, but I'd been on a course
After a while we got married; my happiest year
And not once have I had a bang on the ear

At eighteen it's a risk to meet your Emmanuelle Beart,
That kind of beauty is sure to flip a young and tender heart,
That it would be for just one night, I wish she had made clear,
Now I'll give her a poke on Facebook and a bang on the ear.

Me and Sas went travelling, two years around the world
It ended up quite badly, with accusations hurled
But we had lots of great times and that's what I hold dear
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

Kathleen was a writer with eyes as blue as the sea
Walked down to the dark end of a winter's bitter street
We drank and we fumbled, broke what was held so dear
But I send her my love and a bang on the ear

When I first kissed Tracy, I was The Other Bloke,
She told me she was Bad News, and I hoped this was a joke.
But she was too wild to handle, as always was my fear
I offered her my love, and got a bang on the ear

I knew Janet for a while, and our love was slow to grow
But the best things are worth waiting on, this I've come to know
And now I give her my love, every day of every year
So I send her this verse, and expect a bang on the ear

I first saw Gillian in a dodgy club in Reading
I was at once infatuated and knew where this was heading
My love for her grows from year to year to year
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear

My first real love was Jude,
She was at her best when nude,
Her flirty nature was my biggest fear,
That's why I sent her a bang on the ear

My true love his Vanessa, she is my wife
and without doubt the best thing in my life,
We have had another fantastic year
thats why I am sending her a bang on the ear.

David was a French boy; his passion was to cook.
He tried his best to teach me; alas, it never took.
Now I'm doing fancy things with bok choi, herbs and deer,
I send him my apologies and a bang on the ear.

Tracey was my first love, she was in my cell
And while a jailbird I remain, I hear she's doing well
They've got me in for murder, and until I'm out of here
I'll bang her my love, and I'll send her my ear.

Simon was charming but changed after a while;
picked apart how I walked, ate and spoke. He was vile.
I was crushed for an age but it's now in the past.
Still, I send him no love, just a kick up the arse.

Angela was a girl with eyes as brown as shoes,
We'd kiss for hours on her bed listening to 'Fisherman's Blues'
In the end we parted, the reason's still unclear,
But I send her my love and a bang on the ear

I've just had a flashback of a pervy bloke called Rex,
Who had a dirty penchant for fetishistic sex,
When he said he'd give me aural he didn't make the spelling clear
So he gave me his love and a bang on the ear.

Karen was my first love, though I was only eight
We were always building dens, flying kites and staying out too late
Left the country with my family, I know I shed a tear
Still I send her my love and a bang on the ear

I still think of Mandi, she's the only girl I miss
I took her back to my place once, but we didn't even kiss.
I haven't seen her now for nearly seven years,
Still I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

Megan was my true love, the finest in the world
But she had to spoil the fairytale by also liking girls.
I took the news quite well, although why I've no idea
And I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

Though Helen was the first girl that I ever got in bed
She wouldn't give up everything and only gave me head
I was happy to reciprocate though it caused me many tears
As I got busy down below she'd hang on to my ears

Cathy was a loner, she lived in Brixton town.
She lit romantic candles; they burned her living room down.
As we swept up the ashes, the metaphor was clear.
But I send her my love, and a bang on the ear.

Love can arrive at a time, that you least expect
It hit on a hot summer day, as I recollect
As Ange and I near our twenty fourth year
She gets all my love and a bang on the ear

At last week's Christmas party I kissed a girl from work;
They think it was a drunken thing, they haven't seen us flirt.
It's not their place to know, to gossip or to interfere,
As I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

Yvonne was my true love, she taught me how to kiss
Although it's long ago, it's bliss to reminisce
The memories still fresh and so I hold them dear
So I'm sending her my love and a bang on the ear.

Anne was from New Zealand, we flirted on the intranet
After many conversations, eventually we met
Now she's living in Miami, she sells hot dogs and beer
From a cart on the beach, with a bang on the ear

A lass was coming on to me, girlfriend of a chap I knew
'Twas at a ball. We took a walk. I shagged her up Trap Two.
Our occasional dalliances continued for some years
I wish her much good fortune and a bang up the rear

(true story)

Raquel* came from elsewhere, it would be rude to specify,
A creative carnal pixie when in her bed we'd lie,
The things she'd do with whisky would give other men the fear,
As would books with tattered pages I had to whisper in her ear.

By comparison Jo* was worried, by matters of amour,
I suggested something one day and she pointed at the door,
"Talk like that to me again and you won't be living here!"
She rolled up a hefty Wednesday Guardian then banged me on the ear...

/goat

* names have been changed; back in the day, the Wednesday Guardian with all the public sector job ads was fekkin huge. Or was it Tuesday's?

Sandra was net achttien, blond en een lieve lach
Ik was bijna dertig, snap niet wat ze in me zag
Dat het niet zou duren, dat had ik al gauw door
Maar ik stuur haar al mijn liefde en een klap op het oor

Rosie the adventuress, to Transylvania went
She met an old aristo, whose dentures were quite bent
He moved so slow she dodged him, his lunge it cost him dear
She ran screaming from the bedroom, a fang in her ear...

/many goat

Cristina was a love of mine, a buxom German lass,
Her breasts were quite spectacular, to say nothing of her ass.
But she went back to Munchen, from my life she's disappeared
I wish she'd send me her love, and a photo of her rear.

Con occhi brillanti mi dicevi "Ti voglio bene"
Parole fugaci e promesse mancate
Un amore finito è sempre doloroso
Ti saluto e ti mando un bacio sull'orecchio

Apologies to any Italians reading.

Kirsty was obviously aware that I didn't have a clue
We got past that problem and I worked out what to do
She lasted me a lifetime but it didn't last a year
Give me back my broken heart, I'll give you a bang on the ear

Emma was my first kiss, we were drunk and in a barn
She was the older and made sure I came to no harm
Fantastic body, the memory's very clear
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear

I wanted to be with Enno, but he took another choice.
at least he shared my love to the brilliant Waterboys
Now he's living down in Berlin with a family so dear,
And every now and then, I send a bang on his ear.

Ricky's form was awful, Mitchell's even worse
English hopes were bouyant , but Perth had been a curse
Playing on his home ground it was Johnson they should fear
Poms all out for 123 and a bang on the ear

I lost my virginity to a very tall hunk
Can't tell you his name, I was VERY drunk...
Did I reach climax ? Not even near!
But I send him my love and a bang on the ear

Met Angie at a wedding, where I was taking the pics,
She too loved Selling England, which knocked me for six,
When I told her that I loved her, she shrank away in fear,
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

Although I never loved her, I lived with Carolyn,
The ghost of Angie haunted me, I was still so sad within,
I couldn't believe she'd left me, this went on for many years,
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear.

After 20 years in sorrow, I met my lovely wife,
She doesn't love Selling England or even like The Knife,
But there's more to life than music, or so it would appear,
And I give her all my loving and a bang on the ear.

A Hungarian beauty our love kept me enthralled
My life she complicated, my parent she appalled
Then from darkest Gambia her beau he did appear
Still I send her my love and a bang on the ear

Whiskey was my first drink, when I was in fifteen,
Sarah said "don't do it"; on drink she was not keen.
Now I'm in The Priory, can't even have a beer,
So I send her all my love & a bang on the ear.

Liz was very friendly, her tendencies were wild
The men she adored, ‘til she had a child
The club scene misses her and her wiggling rear
So I send her birth control and a bang on the ear

Tracey, Ann and Rachel, Virginia, Gertrude
Stacey, Stephanie and Laura, Elizabeth and Jude
Gemma, Emma, Rowan, Katie, Alicia and Leah
Fanny, Geraldine (and mother) = a gang bang on the ear

We need another 15 to get to the target

Jess was slightly special, though her verse was slightly terse,
We're a wake or we're a wedding, with no rhyme or scheme or verse,
Now whispers become whiskey, and a touch becomes a tear,
so I'm sending you the bill my love, and a bang on the ear.

When I went to Swansea Uni, I fell in love with Marion,
But she went out with my best friend, and there was quite a carry on,
I didn't speak to them for days, and I shed many tears,
But I send them both my love, and a bang on the ear

My best friend had more success with women than I did,
He always got the looker and her friend sometimes hid,
Now I've a wife and daughters who bring joy to my latter years,
And I give them both my love and a bang on the ears

I forgot to mention Judith, she had long fair hair,
She loved Stevie Winwood, and I kissed her for a dare,
she's now a friend on Facebook, we had lost touch for years,
So I send her Xmas wishes, and a bang on the ear

My first girlfriend was Jenny, I'd met her though the church,
But within six weeks she'd dumped me and left me in the lurch,
I hear she's now divorced with kids and has been for three years,
So I send her my love and a bang on the ear

True love didn't find me, never in my life
I was short time girlfriend, never long time wife
And now I'm just cemented in my ways I fear
( But if you're* out there; from my lips to Gods' ear! )

*The atheistic chapter of the Massive can choose to read this as referring to the existence of God as well as my potential future partner ;)

A gardener's daughter stopped me on my way on the day I was to wed,
It is you who I wish to share my body with, she said,
I've lived in a music fantasy world like this for many years,
So I send Cat my love and a bang on the ear.

Heather's so sweet, she's the love of my life
But next year she gets married, another man's wife
I'm to sing at her wedding to give them good cheer
Sing a secret love song, and a bang on the ear...

Shane was a looker, he had a temper too
But I was just so mad for him, what's a girl to do?
We were never suited - that became so very clear,
So I send him divorce papers and a bang on the ear.

Marianne lived near me, but went to a different school
We played together, acting out love scenes as a rule
Her sister caught us half dressed and thought we were queer
Hey M - did you live up to your sisters' fear ?

Brother-in-laws and friends' boyfriends they all come on to me
I act like I don't understand to keep friendships trouble free
I've never told their girlfriends that they all leer
And deserve less love and a box on the ear

Chris, my first boyfriend, was older than me.
He's a radio presenter now; curiously
I'm now older than him by five whole years.
The vain sod. Happy Christmas, have a bang on the ear.

just two more to reach the target!

Van was my first choice
Back in that fateful year
He went down to Coney Island
Fish supper and a beer
Now he's playing on the gob iron
Bringing us much cheer
And he sends you bad tidings
And a clip round the ear

Carsten was my best man but his girlfriend hated me
We didn't talk for years, then he dumped her -blessed be he!
he got married by the seaside, we drank champaign and schnaps and beer.
I carried him over his treshold - with a bang on the ear

Hey! Fat man at Christmas time
Impart some northern cheer
Gorotesque-ah face and whiskah beard
Class warfare disappear
M62 appreciate. Ow!
Heathen pioneer
Drunk man in bus sheltah
Shouts out bang-ah on the ear

When I first met Etienne, he threw his beer on me
Some months later I gave him the last of my purity
Oh those deep black eyes, oh how they looked when near
He sent me his love, with the splash of his beer