With too much time on my hands because of a (brief) health-enforced career break, I have turned my attention to the television programmes viewed by the fruit of my loins, WH Jnr.

Something must be done. The storylines do absolutely nothing to prepare the younger generation for the nature of the real world that awaits them.

I therefore submit these alternatives and look forward to your suggestions.

THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE (1)
After the latest cut in the Sodor Railway’s maintenance budget, a points failure results in Elton the Pink Engine rear-ending Gordon. A Health and Safety Executive investigation follows and, worried that they are asking too many awkward questions, the Fat Controller invites the Transport Minister to dine with him at his club. Several bottles of fine brandy and various calls to escort agencies later, the HSE investigation is dropped. The Fat Controller is awarded an OBE for services to British industry. The Sodor Railway raises the price of an annual season ticket by 150%.

THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE (2)
It’s 1940. Shortly after the Wehrmacht's successful occupation of the Channel Islands, troops land on Sodor. The Fat Controller instantly offers his co-operation to the German high command. Thomas is shipped to the continent along with all other useful war-fighting materiel, and later finds himself attached to an armoured train transporting panzers to the Russian Front. Thomas then has an unfortunate encounter with an IL-2 Sturmovik. Meanwhile, back on Sodor, the Fat Controller is trying on his latest uniform but is secretly preparing Henry the Helicopter to get him to Argentina just in case things go wrong. Ringo Starr is tried for war crimes.

BILL AND BEN, THE FLOWERPOT MEN
It’s a lovely day in the garden and Bill and Ben are mucking about as weed basks in the sunlight. Then an unscrupulous bulk-waste entrepreneur, unwilling to meet heavy EU tax charges, sneaks in and pumps a tanker full of chemical waste into the well while no-one is looking. After a while, Spider starts behaving oddly. He begins to grow and grow. Hearing the gardener’s screams after he accidently bumps into Spider, Bill and Ben go bravely to his assistance. Last in series – a new series “Ben, the Flowerpot Man” begins in 2012.

THUNDERBIRDS
International Rescue is forced to re-evaluate its HR policies after John Tracy, lonely denizen of orbiting monitoring station Thunderbird 5, fails to spot an incipient monorail disaster because of his deteriorating eyesight and copious hair growth on his palms.

BOB THE BUILDER
Bob and the gang knock-off early and enjoy themselves in the pub with his earnings after he is able to convince an elderly lady that his has just re-roofed her cottage when in fact all he has done is break a few tiles with a hammer for 20 minutes. Farmer Pickles glasses Spud.

1973 Jimmy Saville juxtaposed with pre-dentistry Dame David Bowie - BBC4 Acoustic at the BBC -'Starman'.

A red-letter day. My young son, looking unusually thoughtful, stared up at the craggy yet disturbing visage of my mother-in-law and asked, "Granny, when are you going to die?"

That's my boy.

Others must have had similarly pleasurable parental experiences.

I note a reference in the current edition of The Word to "Ye Olde English Spangles." I used to like those....but I've never had any insight as to what the flavours were supposed to be: Dandelion and Burdock? Shepherd's Pie? Bangers and Mash?

An accident? I think not.

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6622I420100703

It’s well-known that John Lennon made an appearance in Dick Lester’s ‘How I Won the War’ (alongside Michael Crawford, no less) in the 1960s and that Jon Bon-Jovi was in U-571. Neither was particularly effective it has to be said - but did you know that Ray Davies penned the main theme for a war movie?

He wrote ‘The Ballad of the Virgin Soldiers’ under his full moniker of Raymond Douglas Davies in 1969.

Take a look ‘The Kinks – At the Rainbow, Part 3’ on You Tube - the film theme and titles appear about 1 minute and 21 seconds in.

Does anyone know of any other filmic military manoeuvres by rock stars onscreen or off?

What do you think would be suitable epitaphs for presently dead artistes and those still working on it?

A few suggestions:

Toyah - “Now passed over to the other side. Along with my credibility”

Stephen ‘Tin Tin’ Duffy - “Gone and quickly forgotten”

Demis Roussos - “Finally thin.”

The last one would apply to me too, although I would quite like:

“All and all, I’d rather be here than in Paisley.”

Any thoughts?

On a rare trip to the pictures at the weekend (having offloaded the ankle-biter), I was in deep shock when, during the pre-feature ki-ora slot, as the soundtrack to a glossy corporate ad for some sort of financial services, we'll look after all your money, yes we will really thingy, I could hear the strains of Joy Division.

It occurred to me that it might be nice if the background music to these ads actually reflected what we think about the companies and organisations concerned, e.g. Oxfam Shops - Jon Allen's 'Dead Man's Suit', obviously, and for that most sinister-sounding of frozen pizza purveyors, Dr Otker (who no doubt indulge in the most unspeakable surgical experiments in order to create their toppings), it would have to be Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds' 'The Carny'.

Any thoughts?

We've all heard that to create your pornstar name you should take your first pet's name and add it to your mother's maiden name ('Stickleback McCafferty' in my case, if you're wondering).

That caused me to ponder if there are similar formulae to create the perfect name for a band. For example, matching references to totalitarian regimes with varieties of household items and sundry equipment...

Adolf Butterknife

Soviet Twintub

...are the kind of results you might get.

Do you have any other ideas for the ideal combinations and results?