Has been ominously quiet these past weeks. You still with us, mate? I do hope so.

Earl Scruggs has died at the age of 88. banjo picker par ecellence RIP.

A band of which I know nothing, except their name, have sacked their drummer for being a thief. This isn't very rock and roll, is it? I thought drummers were supposed to expire in strange outlandish ways a la Spinal Tap

I knew it was a mistake,as soon as I made the decision, but time pressed, there were queues, and the vacant space beckoned me. So against the received wisdom of previous disappointment, I went to make use of the self-scan aisle at Sainsburys. I put the basket where you are supposed to, I was very careful. Equally carefully, I opened a carrier bag, ready for filling, all the while watching other shoppers for hints and tips in the proper use of the facility. I pressed the 'Start' button......

And the soddding thing did what it always does. It started yelping 'Unexpected item in the bagging area. Please remove this item'. It doesn't matter which supermarket I go to, Asda, Morrisons, Sainsburys, it's always the same. I'm stood like a lemon, while the youth/youthette in charge of the infernal machines strolls over to sort me out, and give me a pitying smile that says 'It's not your fault, but clearly, you shouldn't be here'.

I'm not a Luddite, I like new technology, I'll give most of it a go, but I've had enough of self-scan. And anyway, why should I do it myself? I - we- would be well advised to use the manned (or personned) checkouts, otherwise the poor devils working there will find themselves jobless. Ban the self-scan, is my new battle-cry.

latest Cravendale milk ad, you've probably seen it, it made me laugh. I may have a low amusement threshold.

When did that disappear? And did it serve any useful purpose, other than teaching us Esperanto, or possibly, Finnish?

Has been on air for over 37 hours, and I've not heard any of it. Have I missed anything important?

Has arrived chez moi, and the Massive are well represented in letters page, critiques, and the caption competition. Cheers, in no particular order, to backwards7, drakeygirl, tim turner, Frances Barry-Walsh and Patrick Crowther. Now all I've got to do is read the rest of it.

is getting out of the music business. That's all I have to say.

Someone e-mailed these to me and they made me laugh. They might make you smirk, but don't feel obliged:

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy

My girlfriend wouldn't give me a handjob, but offered to use her keyring instead. I felt I was being fobbed off.

A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid. He says it's not a problem, he can stop any time.

The BPI have released figures for the best selling albums and singles between 1956 and 2009. That's a fair spread of years. Here's the top five singles:

Candle in the Wind (Diana version)
Do they Know it's Christmas?
Bohemian Rhapsody
Mull of Kintyre
Rivers of Babylon/Brown Girl in the Ring

I can see how the first two got there, it was the times and the place, and I can just seee how Queen made it, but dear God, Boney M at number 5? What madness possessed the purchasers? Had they been unable to find a Goombay Dance Band single? Had cheesy Europop triumphed where Hitler had not? Why, why, why??!

The answer is, apparently, no. Scientists, or possibly astronomers, have studied 500 earth-like planets, and they can't support life, so the view is that earth is unique as the only planet that has life on it. Just Earth. Out of the whole Universe. Based on a sample of 500 planets. Oh, COME on! What a teensy weensy sample to base such a finding on. I still believ that out there in the infinite unknown, there are other planets with life on them. To believe we are the only one is a very depressing thought.

According to musicradar.com (a musicians' website, it says in the Telegraph) Axl Rose is the greatest lead singer of all time. Who knew?

There's been a fire at the 02 arena, and there's discussion as to whether or not the concert will go ahead, according to the BBC News website. If you've got tickets, you might want to check.

I'm sat in my office on the High Street, looking out at the encroaching gloom, and the freezing fog that hasn't lifted all day, and contemplating, with some distaste, the 20 mile drive home on an unlit single-carriageway A road, that's pretty open all the way. Granted, I'm not in the snow-covered wastes of Scotland or the West Country, but it can be pretty bleak. I'm having a set of winter tyres fitted tomorrow, which might be a bit belt and braces, but the motoring press seems to think it's a Good Idea. A better one would be to work from home, but that's not an option. How fares the rest of the Massive in these chilly times? Is a commute by public transport to be reccomended over drive-yourself? Are those whose office is next door to the bedroom laughing at our plight? Whatever, and whereever, Merry Christmas,or a suitable non-denominational greeting, to you all.