There is trouble with the trees.

I've heard this song - "The Trees" by helium, prog-meisters Rush - more times than I can count. And, like turbulence or Scottish Country Dancing, its something I've encountered without preparation or consent.

I have several friends who swear by The Rush. They worship at the stool of Neil Peart ("He's the best drummer in the world,you know") and don't find Geddy Lee's voice at all risible. I have no beef with these people and wish them no harm - my world is a broad one.

However, "The Trees" puzzles me. It's lyrics appear to concern a sort of botanic labour movement which conspires to reduce a deciduous ubermensch to mediocrity - his proud attempts to rise above the common herd (Herd of trees? or is that Ents?) doomed by the menace of equality and democracy amongst the leaf bearing. At a push it may be about pan-American employment legislation impacting upon native arboreal flora.

Now,call me politically correct - and you will - but isn't all this a bit right wing?

Have I got this all wrong? I'm aware, before it's pointed out, that its a metaphor. But whats it a metaphor for?

Answers from Rush Ruffians are welcome.

Regardless of our race, class, gender or abilities one thing unites us.

Soup!

We all eat it - from a can of Heinz Tomato in a mug to the insanely overpriced Cullen Skink I had earlier on today - and we all desire it, pursue it and eat a liquidised meal as a result of it.

So what is the best soup has to offer?

Carrot and Coriander (boo!)? Scotch Broth (yay!)? Liquidised or Lumpy? Charged with eroticism (Bacon and Lentil) or filled with frothy horror (something Heston Blumenthal does to a little chef)? Croutons or parsley? Both - you decadent swine - or neither? Home made or canned? Bought in a carton or a plastic bag? Resembling a smoothie or a big load of vomit?

Which is the best of soup?

Given the extraordinary response to the thread I started on the Scottish Elections last May - a response I could never have predicted on what is a predominantly non-Scottish forum - I was wondering whether I might be indulged to post occasionally on developments as we canter towards the referendum in either 2014, 2013 or potentially next Tuesday if Mr Cameron has his way - a full and frank debate with the clear outlining of its potential historical ramifications having taken place at some point on the Monday lunchtime.

Cards on the table though. I'm pro-independence though not for the reasons some might assume. I like England and the English, have no interest in parochial and insular nationalism and abhor Braveheart-ism and cries of "Freedom!". You can't be released from an unlocked room.

My own preference is for two grown up democracies who co-operate on areas of shared interest who leave each other alone regarding their own affairs. I think we'd all get on better, Scotland would prosper financially and the gaping social inequalities on each side of the border would begin to resolve. As Mr Salmond says "You'd be losing a surly lodger and gaining a good neighbour". If we ended up with the sort of relationships seen between two Scandinavian countries the world would be a better place. Particularly if there was one less country on the planet with pretensions to being a world power.

I'll continue in the comments but please let me know if theres any appetite for me continuing to do this over the next couple of, to me, extremely interesting couple of years.

on the only channel worth bothering with (BBC 4 - Do keep up) right now but should be on iplayer very soon. "A State of Mind".

It explains a great deal why the recent mourning of Kim Song-Il went as it did. I'd mourn Thatcher if my school was like that.

is this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2079631/Celebrity-resolutions-Qu...

Its not just the steadily accruing list of reactionary hatred towards anyone not white, English, heterosexual or a woman not married to David Cameron or Prince William.

Its not even the insidious, drip-feeding of poisonous, bigoted hatred which underpins every word of this abysmal dross.

I think the thing that makes this the worst newspaper article of all time is it's smirking, witless, tired, obvious and lazy, Terry and June mediocrity. It has a particular air of flaccid failure about it you can almost smell. He writes like a fart in a golf club lounge-bar.

Please feel free to join in the evisceration of Quentin on the comments page.

I've been surfing the site and chanced upon the "Nights In" section.

Now, many of the brave men and women who have posted their thoughts in this part of the website are hugely admirable individuals who often express themselves on the main part of the Word message board in a fabulous and frivoulsome way.

However, the record reviews are dreadful pish almost without exception. People who regularly make me laugh out loud when discussing Daleks, Peter Mandelson or Football become worthy,and unreadable bores when asked to describe a record they like. The contrast in tone is unmistakable.

Is the review section of the Word smaller as a result of the realization of the impossibility of entertaining record reviews? Does reviewing anything reduce the written pieces wit? Does this mean that Danny Bakers 70's single reviews in the NME are the pinnacleof high art in the Naughties?

Good evening Massive.

The polls are closed, the counts have started and the campaigns are finally, after a rather lengthy 7 weeks, over. The real deal begins now.

The first declaration isn't expected until around 2.30 am with the full count unlikely to be completed until around lunchtime tomorrow.

There are, however, a few twitterings and rumours around which if true are astounding. Fairly rough and potentially unreliable exit polls are putting the SNP around 50% with Labour at 22%. I should caution that this sounds unbelievable, doesen't seem to be based on normal polling procedures and seem to be mainly based on the list vote. Named sources are Progressive Scotland, Scottish Daily Mail and Radio Scotland. Hmm. Doesent seem like a credible figure to me but who can tell.

Boundary changes are likely to play a major part as well with most seats bearing limited resemblance to their 2007 equivalents. Obviously this will make individual seats very difficult to call.

Right. Off to crack open a bottle and wait for the coverage proper to start. I'll continue in the comments as soon as the first official exit poll appears.

Despite the almost complete disinterest in the UK media, with only the occasional intensely patronising item tacked on to the end of the Channel 4 news with much the same tone a skateboarding cat used to get on News at 10, there is indeed a major election in Scotland tomorrow.

The polls are suggesting a big win for the SNP but I don't believe polls, especially when I fervently pray they're right. The bookies, however, have an SNP majority 1/10 and Paddy Power have already paid out. Now that's a more convincing sign.

With that in mind; a brief guide to runners and riders for those who may have an interest -

Scottish Labour - Oh dear. Where to begin? A campaign which began with a 15 point poll lead suffered increasing difficulties when the actual prospect of Iain Thingy being in power hit home. This difficult to imagine scenario was further compounded by his strategy of "running away from people". Once he hid in a Subway shop then, a week later, ran out of ASDA when he spotted Alex Salmond. A press release later claimed Salmond had hid from him. This story may have held up had he not been filmed running away by the massed cameras that were present. Then there was all the press releases about Thingy "walking the killing fields" like some sort of latter day Pol Pot. The most dismal political campaign I think I've ever seen. The fact that Labour spent 4 years blocking SNP policy then, a week before the campaign adopted all of the SNPs manifesto as there own didnt entirely escape the publics notice either.

Scottish Conservative and Unionist - Oddly, Tory Leader Annabel Goldie has acheived an unlikely status as a national treasure being, as she is, Scotlands favourite elderly lesbian Auntie. Other than that, they're about as electorally important as the Monster Raving Loonies up here.

Liberal Democrats - In government at Westminister with Dave Cameron and the Bullingdon Club. Utterly toxic and ruined in Scotland. They'll do well to hold onto more than 8 seats.

SNP - Watching Alex Salmond against this lot has actually not been a pleasant experience even for a supporter. In the same way as watching your football team absolutely crush some non-league side quickly moves through pleasure then gloating then a faint sense of pity with an eventual slight sensation of embarassment and a mild sense of shame. His opponents have been reduced to pointing out that the SNP believe in Independence. Its like pointing out that dogs have tails and expecting people to suddenly begin hating dogs.

The Greens are kicking about and may actually do better than the Lib Dems and everybody else is nowhere. So there we have it. I'll be up all night tomorrow and may even blog the results on here as they come in if anyone - ex-pats in particular - is interested. Let me know McMassive.

Can I just draw the Massives attention to this wonderful, wonderful record.

It's absolutely, stunningly beautiful. I can't possibly do it any sort of justice by describing it here so I'll just beg and plead with you to buy it. More of a 7 song suite where every part needs the others - I'm deliberately not going to put up any samples - than a conventional album it's the best thing I've heard in many years. Reader, it made me cry. And usually only George Osbourne can manage that these days.

Honestly. Get it. You'll absolutely love it.

Just a word of warning to the many Kindle owners on here. I've discovered that they're remarkably easy to wreck.

After two close shaves (left it in the car on a cold night and it appeared to be completely dead, only reviving after a rub down with some Ralgex, a hot bath and a rubdown with rough towels followed by an inexplicapable screen freeze) I left it on the arm of the couch the other night, sat down a little too heavily and inadvertandly put a little too much pressure on the screen with my hand - nothing you would expect to damage a laptop for example.

Result? Completely wrecked. Luckily Amazon have been fantastic and are replacing the unit no questions asked but it doesen't seem to be a remotely durable product. I'd expect the screen to take more abuse just being in my bag during the day than I subjected it to.

I've never accidentally put my hand on a book and ruined it so I'm beginning to question the wisdom of my purchase.

Any other Kindle problems experienced out there?

I've been exposed to this weird Opportunity Screams in Your Ears and Takes over All Tablod Newspapers for a Month and Doesen't Knock programme for the last few weeks due to trying not to go out and get pissed on a Saturday night.

It's fucking dismal stuff. Karaoke singers being praised to the skies by people who aren't remotely qualified to judge talent. It's like watching a critique of Edvard Munch by Ray Charles.

But what would improve it? What is the Word Massif's fantasy X-Factor?

Judges, song choices, type of act?

Go on, Be evil.

In my life, as John Lennon nearly sang, I've bought some utter shite.

I bought a mini-disc player. Mini-discs stopped being made soon after.

I bought a Setanta set top box specially to watch the Scotland Holland game. Inevitably Setanta went into administration almost the following day.

I bought a Nintendo 64. Then the Playstation came out. I felt a little foolish.

I spent £1000 on a new CD player and amp. I dont think I've bought a cd since.

We persist, as a species, in buying things which are clearly doomed. I even persevered with non-Ipod MP3 players for a ridiculous length of time preferring, instead, a thing made in Korea which looked like it had been assembled by slaves in East Germany in 1972. It could have been demoed on Tomorrows World and still have raised nothing but laughter.

What are your poor buying decisions? What do you bitterly regret and obsess about whilst lying awake at 4am, wracked with shame.

Well?

Ok, this might be a little tasteless, not to say tenous, but I'm tasteless and tenous by nature so thats just what happens.

Anyway, were the Human Centipede operation currently being popularised by the obliquely titled "The Human Centipede" film to be performed by a representative section of the Word Massive ,much like the multi-surgeon team assembled by Dr Christian Barnard of the famed Heart Transplant Operation (or HTO Hitmakers in wordspeak), who would ideally form the tri-partite abomination? From soup to nuts so to speak. Or ass to mouth if you're gross.

First section: Richard Thompson. You've got to be able to see a beard after all.

Second Section: Morrisey. Muffled moaning and girning. Heaven knows he's miserable now.

Third Section: Danny from Embrace. Surely used to gorgeing on second hand Mancunian shite.

Anyone else?

I'm interested in the one good album which made you stick wirh a band through ever increasig levels of dissapointment.

We've all been there. A band you didn't care that much for somwhow delivered an unikely masterpiece. So you bought their next album. It was shite. Then you bought their next album. It was shite. So you bought their next album unable to believe that your youthful self sucumbed to the hype over the album you loved. It was shite as well.

And then, somewhere in your 40's you look back ruefuly on the con trick that was played on you.

What was the amazing record that tied you to a life of dissapointing sequels? Or De Niro Syndrome as I'm calling it from now on.

We've had plenty of debate about great singers - Sinatra, Bowie, Paul Buchanan and the like- but what about the other end of the spectrum?

Those who couldn't hold a tune in an industrial skip. The tooth edgening screechers who would be vastly improved by the addition of a ball gag. Those who do for song what Fred West did for B&B.

I'll go first:

Ian Broudie of the Lightning Seeds - A listless Dalek. A mildly aroused John Major reciting lyrics off the back of a dispatch box. Boredom with a larynx.

Ian Brown - bumping along the bottom of a tune like a dying goldfish in a tank. An insult to atonality.

Bob Dylan - an athsmatic hoover during a power surge.

Florence Welch - lowing in tune. Cattle at a disco.

Anyone else?